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going insane · Jun 16, 2012, 12:10 AM

My boyfriend is 55 I am 46. When we try to have sex believe me when I say it's once in a bluemoon, he doesn't get an erection. He casually asked the doctor about it only because I insisted. The doctor said everything (bloodwork) looked OK. A few adjustments might help like quit smoking and loose a little weight. The problem is he just seems like he's not interested in me at all when it comes to sex. I've even asked him if he was gay. He treats me great in all other areas. I feel like I'm just a friend. I've been thinking about finding somebody else to take care of my sexual appitite, but I would much rather be with him. What can I do? We've been together now for 3 years and this is causing such a problem I don't know what to do. I love him but I have needs. He seems to not even care about my needs.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 16, 2012, 04:16 AM

So no viragra or anything given by the doctor ?

Cat1864 · Jun 16, 2012, 08:10 AM

I am going to be blunt (and hope that is just frustration causing you to mention cheating): If you feel the need to cheat to get what you need, then get out of the relationship and find someone better suited to filling all of your needs. Cheating does not solve problems. It only causes more.

If you truly feel the need to involve another person in your relationship, then be open with your boyfriend. He may welcome an 'open' relationship.

Is he affectionate in any way? Hand holding, kissing, cuddling, etc.

His health may be good, but how is the rest of his life? Stress, worry, concern, exhaustion, distractions, even pressure to have sex (it doesn't have to come from you, he could be causing it himself) can lead to a lowered libido.

What do each of you get out of the relationship? You say that he treats you great in other areas, but what does he get in return? Is he doing just enough to keep you hanging on while he gets his needs met?

When you look at the whole relationship, try to be has honest with yourself as possible. Don't try to sweep minor issues under rug because they add up and can show you a pattern of behavior.

Realistically all you can do short of walking away is trying to explain to him how you feel and listen to what he says. If diet and exercise changes might help, you can encourage him, but you can't do it for him. Unfortunately, you can't make him change any more than he can make you change for him.

You might consider Couple's Counseling as a way to learn other means of communication. It may be a way for both of you to get everything out that might be causing issues which might be affecting his libido.