[mamacitared]

After a few months of getting to know each other better, my (now ex) boyfriend and I started our relationship. Everything was fantastic. People said they had never seen him happier, he couldn't wipe the smile off his face when we where together.
He had been single for a long time before we got together - so it was all a bit new to him. But all he had wanted was to find a girl, settle down, have children and enjoy life. I basically ticked all the boxes that he was looking for.

Shrtly into our 'official' relationship he told me he was starting to feel similarly to how he felt a couple of years ago when he fell into a deep depression. He told me not to worry as he can see it coming so will do what he can to stop it getting hold of him.

2 weeks later we were out with a friend at the cinema, then to the pub after. Our friend left and my BF then continued to have a very public and very emotional break down. The depression had gotten the better of him. He told me that he just wanted to get better and that he had no idea how to do that with a partner... he has only known how to do it whilst single with only himself to be concerned with. He ended it. I was mortified, but knew I had to leave him to get better, hole himself up and heal.

3 weeks into his depression, our friend met with him and talked a bit about what he was going through. During which he said that he definitely wanted to carry on seeing me and he was using me as a target to get better for. At this point he had been on his SSRI's for about a week.
After another 3 weeks or so... he got in touch and invited me out to the cinema. I agreed to go. We had a nice time and talked, but not about anything deep or emotional about him and I and what was to happen with our relationship.

A week later - he called me and said that getting into a relationship with me in the 1st place was a mistake, he jumped in as he was needy and his brain was wired differently then. He went on to say that he did not have the same feelings for me as I have for him and that he feels he just needs to be honest.
Now, all of this sounds A LOT like the affects of his SSRI's to me. He said that he had been feeling himself again for about a week or so - which is exactly how long he had lost his feelings for me, or thought our whole relationship was wrong.

My story is a bit different to most I have read here as we were in that lovely honeymoon period when all this kicked off and went horrbly wrong.
It has left me feeling so hurt and abandoned... I really love him. I sat there going out of my mind for 7 weeks while I gave him the space he needed only to be presented with "sorry it was all a mistake."


It doesn't make sense... nobody close to him or to me thinks that it makes sense, judging by how much he liked me, the hurdles we overcame to actually BE together in the 1st place. The only thing that can explain it is that the meds have left him emotionless toward me.

I know that this is not me and that it is his problem and really I am powerless to do anything. Until he comes off his meds, no one will be able to predict what he will feel... It's comforting to be able to share my story with people who know where I am coming from.
If anyone can offer me any advice, that would be great.

[JudyKayTee]

If this were any other medical problem would you leave?

[mamacitared]

Absolutely not.

[Fr_Chuck]

If you love him, you fight for it, if you don't, just move out

[mamacitared]

I really do love him, but it's very hard to know whether this is how he truly feels or if it's the antidepressants talking. Either way I think I have to take what he says at face value and start to move and get on with my life and hope that when he does come off the antidepressants (whenver that may be) that he finds that he no longer feels 'emotionless' towards me.

It's quite a helpless feeling.

I just wanted to post my story here in the hope that someone may be able to shed some light on his current state of mind, as I have no prior experience with having a depressed partner.

[KBC]

I really do love him, but it's very hard to know whether this is how he truly feels or if it's the antidepressants talking. Either way I think I have to take what he says at face value and start to move and get on with my life and hope that when he does come off the antidepressants (whenever that may be) that he finds that he no longer feels 'emotionless' towards me.

It's quite a helpless feeling.

I just wanted to post my story here in the hope that someone may be able to shed some light on his current state of mind, as I have no prior experience with having a depressed partner.

I began posting an answer yesterday and got interrupted, sorry.

If he is in the same state I was in while beginning or ending the use of medications,I can relate quite well.

Antidepressants as prescribed have made me feel emotionless also.

I had deeper issues to learn coping skills first, and acceptance of being depressed,before I would or could be able to have any relationships.I was uncaring towards others for the most part.

It really is up to you to decide what path you want to take.Stay near him and try to help him through this,or move on.There are many people out there who are looking for relationships that don't have problems like this(or they don't know they do, :) )

[Jake2008]

It takes a long while to fully experience the benefits of an anti-depressant. His Doctor an him may change the type and dose many times. Often, a minimum dose is tried for six weeks, and if necessary, it is increased.

At this point, it is probably too soon to determine the effects of the pills he is on.

People on anti depressants are not 'emotionless', and if they are, there needs to be a medical analysis of this. Being numb, or being hyper sensitive, or suddenly not caring about life are indicators that either the doseage, or the medication itself needs altered and changed.

As to him saying that he was using you as a beacon of hope, was an act of desperation to help him find meaning and happiness in his life. While it was a temporary fix, he realized that, as he said, his brain was not firing properly, and he sees things more clearly now.

I don't think his lack of interest has anything to do with his depression, or his medication, except only insasmuch as his mood has lifted.

He's obviously stronger, or he would still be clinging to you, but for all the wrong reasons.

Regardless of whether his attraction to you was to save him from himself, he was obviously not in control enough of his own emotions to develop a healthy relationship with you, or anybody else.

I would advise you to accept that he is not interested, and had he not been in the emotional state he was in, he may not ever have hooked up with you in the first place. He had a need at that time, and you filled it.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this man was out of control. You were kind, and considerate to wait this out so long to see what would happen. And naturally you thought when he was feeling more himself, things would only get better between the two of you.

But, I doubt he had the right frame of mind to know what he wanted in the first place.

[CheloUK]

Hi,

I read your post with interest as I went through a very similar situation.

He was taking citalopram, which pparently has a number of side effects and only now (that he is my ex) I am starting to recognise these in his behaviour.

Firstly I will answer your question: No, you should not fight for him. He has a fight to fight on his own, and he does not want your help. As simple as that. As harshly as it sounds you need to get it in your head that whatever you two experienced together was not HIS reality, only yours. You will just have to move on and be the happy fabulous self you are. You seem to be a very sensitive and caring individual with a lot of love to give. Just make sure you give it to yourself first and foremost. Sounds cliché but there isn't a more absolute truth than that one about loving onself first.

Now I will tell you my story to see if it makes you see you are not alone here: I went out and pretty much lived with theis guy for the best part of last year. He left me in November 2010.

I met him in very unusual circumstances, and I never thought I'd get a boyfriend out of a party like that (mainly because it was an adult's party which I wanted to experience for the first -and last- time). This part is important as it will become clearer later.

We spent the night together and started dating. He was extremely attentive and caring and affectionate towards me for the first months and I even felt the had some ulterior motive. One month into the relationship told me he was on antidepressants (because he could not ejaculate while on them, but could always get a full erection) due to a car accident and genetics (one of his parents was clinically depressed). At first I was confused as I thought why would I go out with someone in this situation, but looking at him and what he was: his ability to keep a job, maintain a flat, etc I decided to carry on.

Turns out he had been sexually abused as a child(as he said, but now I am not so sure - see adult's party-) and I tried to leave him but he blackmalied me emotionally and I did stay (my responsibility). I tried to leave him because the sex stopped and I could not understand why. Then in the middle of all this he asked to move in with me, to which reluctantly I agreed (2nd chance to get out, but I did not).

I decided I loved him and I should take this journey with him, so asked him to seek help, which he agreed to. He moved in with me and he was taking the medicine on and off. Sometimes he would be in horrible moods and I would ask what was wrong and stay out of his way as I did not know how to deal with it. Sometimes he'd be overtly enthusiastic and hyper.

2 weeks after moving in we had a fight in a bar and he then said he wanted to break up because he was sick, damaged and I deserved better. He went to sleep elsewhere and I went back home thinknig that was the end of it. He started texting me that night saying that I did not want to know what was going through his head, that he had something akin to a cancer, etc and that if I was not interested in knowing, etc.

He came back the next day asking for forgiveness blaming the combination of the medication and alcohol, etc. I took him back (I know).

2 weeks later he left me for good, without so much as 'I am unhappy, aren't you?' and moved out. On discussions afterwards he said he was ikll, that was a journey he had to make on his own, etc. Horrible things happened and where said, including one where he started offering sex in an online forum in front of me. Knowing I was there. Worst thing anyone has done to me.

It seems his depression and all that was just a smokescreen to the fact that some people in his situation need to feel the affection of someone and then discard them as soon as they feel better (see medication, therapy, etc). I do not think we should feel any animosity towards them (although it is hard and only human to hate them for a while), but just accept that till certain extent we had been used and well, there is not much we can do but to learn from this and move on.

Right now I am in a better place (although still hurt) after a lot of introspection, wondering why I allow people like him into my life, what can I do not to let that happen again, etc.

The answers aren't on here. They are inside ourselves. We just have to ask and our soul will answer sincerely. Do not be scared of what you might find.

I will recommend a couple of good books that might help yout through this. They are helping me: Byron Katie's 'Lovig What Is' and Louise Hay's 'You can heal your life'.

Cheers

L

[JudyKayTee]

This thread is more than a year old. The person is no longer reading.

There are more recent posts which could use your attention.

[CheloUK]

Yeah I just realised... confused 2010 with 2011.. Cheers