[annie33]

I'm married 3 months now and my husband won't make love with me, every time I try he says he's tired. We never have in th 2 & half yrs we've been together before marriage, I put it down to us being many different things

1. in case I got pregnant because my husband has a child from a previous relationship which only lasted 6 months for the sake of the child and he was thrown out of house and access to child has been difficult at times but good since I come along.

2. because I'm overweight from ill health and taking steroids which I cannot come off but he knew this all when he met me 3 yrs ago and also married me 3 months ago.

3. I know he loves me because he tells me everyday but sometimes I feel he doesn't show it and I get so frustrated and angry.

4. I know there is no one else as we are both Christians and take are marriage vows seriously but sometimes I think to myself how can we go on like this and I'm so embarrassed to talk to anyone about it, I don't know what to do. When I try and talk about it even jokingly he changes the subject totally or gets cross and tells me love is not all based around sex!

I know its not but my heck he's a flipping man and wasn't like this when we 1st met although we never actually made love we were intimate which stopped after about 6-8 months because he said he found it hard not to carry on and make love and he didn't believe in sex before marriage so I frustratingly accepted his wishes even though I found it hard as I knew neither of us were used to this from before as we both discussed when we 1st met.

I'm in my early 30's and suffer endometriosis and would love to try for a baby within the next couple of yrs and I know he would love another 1 also but its not going to happen by immaculate conception as I tell him when I say that he says to me don't start! I've spoken to a close male friend of ours who I thought could maybe explain from a mans point of view who's also a Christian, he cannot understand at all and has assured me its not me and was shocked, he said he thought we would be announcing a baby before the year was over. I love my husband to bits but just don't know how to handle this situation without actually feeling I'm being rude taking about it.

[Cat1864]

How is his health? Is he on any medications? Does he show any symptoms of being depressed? How old is he? How is the rest of your relationship?

It is not rude to discuss your feelings and concerns with your partner. Would he be willing to attend marriage counseling with you?

If he isn't willing to work with you or discuss the problems with you, then you will have to decide just how far love goes to satisfy your frustration.

[annie33]

Hi, Thank you for replying to me, He has been on Sertraline 100mg for a couple of years for Depression which seem to be controlling it quite well, I myself am a long term sufferer of Depression & Annxiety but it has never affected my love/sex life. My husband has just turned 36 not over weight but is quite lazy and is always complaining of being tired but not tired enough to deter him away from the computer to late at night esp at weekends sitting on motorbike forums! Our marriage is good I think apart from this, He has never been a romantic type and doesn't easily show affection/love he's the oppisite from me in that way. He has told me he was never shown love as a child growing up and he doesn't know how to fully show it when he was never shown how. He doesn't come from a very loving/close family were as I do. He was sort of the black sheep of familt between him & his brother still to this day... I don't know if this is anything to do with it but thought the more I explain the better. He cuddles up to me at night then turns his back and goes to sleep!! I told him I was making him an appoinment with our gp to get him something and he said he didn't need anything and to stop going on about it. So no I don't even mention it to him, I was thinking to myself counselling but I know he wouldn't go. I feel bad writing all this but don't want to talk to my family/friends about it. He is a very caring person and very understanding and supportive person. And gave up his old job and moved over 60km's to live in a strange town were he knew no one only me and my family so I don't like putting him down, we just have this 1 problem...

[talaniman]

Sertraline, it does affect sex drive, or performance, among other side effects, and he does have to tell his doctor. Google Sertraline , and show him the many side effects and convince him the correct thing to do is tell his doctor so adjustments can be made. Be firm, as what's the point of taking any drug from a doctor if he won't do his part, and communicate with him.

[Jake2008]

You should think twice before speaking to a close male friend about your husband's sexual problems. That should never have happened in my opinion.

You need to speak to him. Only him. This is a very, very private problem, that should remain in the realm of the marriage.

While you may be frustrated, and understandably so, it seems that the writing was on the wall long before now. He has excuses, you have your own reasons for thinking what might be happening, but so far nothing has worked.

If you approach him for sex, or let it be known that you want sex, and then make an issue of it when you don't get it, well, I can see him feeling backed into a corner. Clearly the 'fault' is his, from what I can gather.

But, what is the fault. Is it physical, psychological, a problem he cannot discuss with you, or not tell you so as to spare your feelings- it could be any number of things, but, what is not mainstream to me at least, is that it has been and continues to be a huge wedge in your relationship.

Adding your desire to have a baby in the mix, might not be a great idea until the two of you deal with what is causing this. You are only seeing the results of something, you are not yet aware of the cause.

How far you want to go with this is up to you. If you cannot live without an intimate relationship with your husband, and he is not willing to address the possible reasons, you could leave him.

You could approach him quietly, just the two of you, outside of the bedroom, and gently ask a few questions and see if you can't gain any insight as to what he thinks the problem is. (without getting angry or frustrated).

To me, and this is just my opinion here, I'd be prepared with options- seeing a Doctor for a physical, attending marriage counselling, etc. If his problem were frequent migranes, I wouldn't be expecting my husband to be lively in the sack, and instead fix the problem with appropriate medication so that it doesn't interfere with that part of our lives.

So, because it is sexual in nature, why would the approach be any different. There is a problem, and it needs to be addressed, just like any other problem.

As you know, there could be many reasons for a lack of sex drive, but, the key is finding the cause.

[JudyKayTee]

hmm..

On top of depression killing libido, overweight women also can kill libido, sorry, that's real life. If you can do something about it, try doing something about it, I'm sure it can't hurt. You probably want to take your husband to see a psychiatrist, who is a MD who is trained in mental health issues. /

I have no idea why you are furnishing info on Zoloft - which is not mentioned by OP.

As far as her weight you did read that she's on prescribed steroids, right, and weight gain is a side effect?