[LeafCan]

Good luck and thank you for the update, freak

I think I have to do what you are doing too then. Thanks a lot

Lets get healed together haa

[Homegirl 50]

The twist on my story is that my girlfriend cheated on me March 2006 and I just found out about it Oct. 18th. At first I was pissed, but then realized that I loved this girl and wanted to make this work. We started hanging out after a week and things seem to be better than ever. Apparently I was the one that was happy or pretending things were ok, but last week my girlfriend told me we needed a break.
Sorry for intruding on this thread, but I just need some help.

Why don't you post a queston telling about your relationship so you can have you own thread. Ths on is freakinconfused

[friend4u178]

Why don't you post a queston telling about your relationship so you can have you own thread. Ths on is freakinconfused

Here is his Post

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ak-149349.html

[freakinconfused]

good luck and thank you for the update, freak

I think I have to do what u r doing too then. Thanks alot

Lets get healed together haa

You know it! Let the healing begin folks! Ha, she just texted me now as I was writing this! Screw that. Texts are worthless... not going to answer! Not even going to answer if she calls either. As a matter of fact, I was thinking about changing my number altogether... I'll sit on that idea for a bit and see what happens. Peace!

[Soldout]

You know it! Let the healing begin folks! Ha, she just texted me now as I was writing this! Screw that. Texts are worthless...not gonna answer! Not even gonna answer if she calls either. As a matter of fact, I was thinking about changing my number altogether... I'll sit on that idea for a bit and see what happens. Peace!

That is what I was going to suggest. If she keeps calling you just change your number. Unless she is ready to be serious there is not need for her to keep calling you. She is the one who needed a break so she should leave you alone and enjoy her break. She will regret palying mind games with you. Its simple its either she wants to be with you or not. She just wants to keep you in limbo to have an emotional hold over you. Don't let that happen. You don't deserve that. You are a young guy there are plenty of beautiful women who are serious about finding a good guy and you will meet someone new who will treat you with respect. It sound like you are making a stand now. Good for you!

[freakinconfused]

That is what i was gonna suggest. If she keeps calling you just change your number. Unless she is ready to be serious there is not need for her to keep calling you. She is the one who needed a break so she should leave you alone and enjoy her break. She will regret playing mind games with you. Its simple its either she wants to be with you or not. She just wants to keep you in limbo to have an emotional hold over you. Dont let that happen. You dont deserve that. You are a young guy there are plenty of beautiful women who are serious about finding a good guy and you will meet someone new who will treat you with respect. It sound like you are making a stand now. Good for you!

Right on! Thank you! Also, you are absolutely right. Last night when I was typing that message she texted me, saying some crap about some movie she was watching and then to say that she enjoyed dinner the other night. I didn't respond to that, and she sent the same message again like 20 minutes later, and I didn't respond to that. Then she called my phone at like 1:45AM when I was trying to sleep and left a voice mail saying that she just wanted to tell me goodnight and that she enjoyed dinner. Not going to respond to any of that because she's already told me in person she enjoyed dinner like 3 times, and I really don't need to hear it a bunch more times. I know she enjoyed dinner, so did I. We told each other that in person already. I just didn't enjoy the morning after. She's just trying to string me along again, even after I've asked her not to text or call unless she has decided that she messed up by dumping me. Hell, even then she should not be calling but coming to my apartment and explaining herself. Probably never going to happen I know, but that's really the only thing that would come out of her mouth that I think I would be willing to listen to anymore... Oh well!

[freakinconfused]

Ok, well here's an interesting update. I'm sitting at work just now and I hear a voice that sounded like my ex's voice say "Is **** here?" The computer tech who sits in front of me was like "Uhh, yeah?" and looked all confused because he knows that I'm trying to move on and have NC with her, but he didn't want to lie. And lo and behold, my ex walks back to my repair bench.

I was kind of shocked, but I didn't act that way. I immediately put on a very flat, neutral, aloof demeanor when I saw her walking back. I asked her what she was doing here. Turns out she brought me some Airborne (effervescent vitamin tablets) because yesterday morning when we were getting ready for work (during the time when I found out she had "made out" with someone) I mentioned to her that I felt like I was getting sick again. But I'm no fool. Her bringing me medicine was just an excuse to come see me because I didn't answer any texts or calls yesterday. She's just trying to reel me back in.

We talked about random stuff for a minute, and she mentioned it seemed like a lot of techs were working (I'm a computer technician, if you haven't figured that out already). I told her tomorrow we will have even more because we hired a new guy - my replacement at this store because I'm transferring to a store closer to where I live. She then immediately asked when that was happening. I told her a week or two. She then started talking about how her roommate got a job and will be moving back home - which I thought was great, because her bad influence will be removed, but I'm not ignorant either - I know it still won't change our situation.

She then started talking about a job with a beer company that she might apply for. I told her that was great, I'm sure they would probably be able to find her a job in the big city she plans on moving to, but if not, I'm sure she could get one around here as a backup plan. She then said she had to run to work, but told me to answer my texts. I told her no, that texts are stupid. She said well then why didn't you answer your phone? I told her because she called at 1:45 in the morning, and because it ran out of battery. I then motioned to my phone, which was sitting behind me, plugged in and charging. She was like, "No it wasn't! I got you - it rang so that means it was on, otherwise it would have went straight to voice mail." I was like, well maybe I fell asleep and rolled over on it then and then it died later on - which I thought was hilarious because that is one of the excuses she used when she didn't answer her phone several nights ago. That night, several nights ago, she had called like 3 times and I finally answered and told her I would have to call her back in like 10 minutes because I was in the middle of something (playing Halo 3, ha!) She said OK, but then didn't answer when I called back, and then gave me the above excuse as a reason for not calling back. When I used the same excuse she was like "What, do you think I made that up or something?" I was like "No, of course not. I'm just teasing you." She finally had to go to work after that, but told me she would talk to me soon.

[LeafCan]

I just don't understand what all these girls are thinking :P

THey are making the situation complicated.

If they love their boyfriend, just get back together. Why do they need a break/space to think?

[Homegirl 50]

You can love a person and not want to be with them, ergo the struggle. And sometimes a person needs a break to re evaluate things. There is obviuosly something going on with her. Maybe she is having doubts. But this is what being young is about. Discovering who you are and who you want to be with.

[LeafCan]

My girlfriend of 4 years is facing a lot of problem at school. All the sudden she told me she is confused and needs a break. Yes, she is young, 22 and I am just 26 last week.

However, we are still seeing each other, phoning each other. I tried to stay NC but she keeps calling then I started call her back again. Every time I asked her about our relationship, she said she is really busy at school and doesn't have time to think carefully about our relationship. I was like... But I am sure she is telling me the truth because she is like studying at home all the time and doesn't really go out. She told me she is totally stressed... and cried every time I talked about our relationship and her school work...

I am FreakingConfused too :(

Sorry for posting my little story here...

[freakinconfused]

Honestly, what I should have done is exactly what I'm doing now (not talking to her anymore) only I should have started doing this the second she said she wanted a break. She probably would have come back to me right away then. But for some reason I couldn't open my eyes then and see that's what I needed to do, even though everyone on here told me to do so. That's what's funny about this thing - you've got like 50 people on this site telling you to go to no contact immediately, but that's exactly what you end up NOT doing because you think this will make the situation worse.

But that's wrong. What makes the situation worse is giving her the security of a fall back plan - me being there and talking to her, etc. only made it easier for her to go out and make out, or have sex, or whatever with someone else. She knew that if that didn't work out, she could just turn around and come back to me. If I had not been there, it would have been more difficult for her to make that kind of decision, and she may have not made it in the first place. Live and learn I guess - the next relationship I'm in, if I feel any of this coming on I'll either be the one to break it off, or if not and she is the one to break it off, then I will go full NC immediately because I've lived through what happens when you don't. Yeah, my ex may be having doubts now two months in (well, still not even technically two months in, tomorrow is the official 2 month date) and she will probably have even more when her roommate moves out, but what good does it do now? Unless she comes to me and admits to making mistakes and is truly sorry, there really is just no reason to continue on anymore - and it doesn't look like she's going to do that. So, she is basically a waste of my time at this point. I'd rather spend my efforts looking for a new girl.

[freakinconfused]

In my humble opinion, no happy birthday (I made that mistake), calmly and politely get your stuff back (if she asks, say there's a few things that you've noticed you need lately), and disappear. If she TRULY wants you back and you are to feel good about a potential reconciliation (which may never happen, so don't get your hopes up), it has to be after a period of her own uninterrupted reflection on you, her, and the relationship. That is why no contact is an absolute must. No interruptions in her thought process. No interruptions in her ability to miss you. Just disappear for a while, as hard as that sounds. Keep firing questions, though, if you're still confused. Everyone's here for you, and can offer you an emotionally detached perspective, as you well know. And I know how hard it is to think straight in the immediate weeks following this crap.

Ok so yeah, it's taken me until almost the two month mark to finally do this, and all I have left to get from her place is two things that I can get when she's not there. Starting when I found out she "made out" with someone, I have gone NC. But what do I do if she is the one interrupting her thought process? She is the one who is initiating contact as of late, and even showed up at my job yesterday! I can't disappear of she keeps searching me out. I want her to reflect on our relationship together, and she will probably start doing this soon when her roommate moves out (unless whoever the hell it is she "made out" with fills in that gap) but I don't get how she is supposed to miss me at all when she won't leave it alone. Ahh who knows. She will probably stop texting and calling me here soon when I haven't responded to any of hers for a while.

[enigmagnetic]

Here are the basics I see.

1. she made out with someone else. So she is out and looking and sizing up all her options.

2. Every time you pull away she comes around. This is because she wants to make you her "guaranteed" fall back option.

I think you realize these two basic points. I'm merely highlighting as deal breakers. She is trying to be your kryptonite. The minute she kissed someone else she lost the privilege of having you around when she wants. That's the way you need to see it. The only alternative left is to face the facts. She is a young girl who doesn't know what she wants. She is using you because she is afraid of the unknown and you are familiarity. It's a hard thing to realize. When I was first single, I wanted to bad to go back with my ex because I did not want to face the cold unknown alone. It's gravity. If Newton could have described he would have. You gravitate towards the closest mass (or densest which means deepest in this case) around you. Now she is allowing foreign bodies to orbit her because she wants to "see" what all the fuss about. Let her go for a while. Focus on getting strong enough where you begin to "logically" analyze your situation without a little voice making you feel guilty that you are criticizing her. Good luck.

[Homegirl 50]

The whole thing is no matter how long the two of you were together, if she/he decides they are no longer sure about the relationship and wants a break, you just do it, at least they are not cheating.
You spend so much time worrying about "what does he/she really mean" they mean what they said. "I need a break." It may not be about you, but about them. But don't get mad at the person because they needed a break and you can't handle it. Let them figure things out and in the meantime, go on with your life. If you can't, that's really your problem, not theirs.
The years of 20-25+ should be spent learning and figuring yourself out, not being attached to someone anyway..

[nothingmore21]

I went through the same way, but it was opposite. What ever you do, don't call consisting, don't try to talk to her. But just leave her alone. Because if you keep calling her and trying to talk to her, she 'll get frustrated because your not giving her space and she will just turn you down If she comes back, than that's your decision, but if not, than maybe its meant to be. Just hang in there! ;)

[chuff]

Page 1 of 3. Seriously. It's ridicules how long it is.

I tried to go out to eat with her last Sat. night, but she tried to push it to Sunday (I knew that SHE knew that I wanted to talk to her about where we stand, which is why she kept trying to avoid it. I even got her to admit that).

Seriously, you are not getting it. She’s in complete control. She knows she’s in completer control. Your job if your going to take her out to dinner (and why you are is beyond me) is to act calm, cool, and careless. I said careless, why would you start bring up feelings and where you stand. She told you where you stand. She’s shown by her actions where you stand. And you reward her with a meal!

No. No. No. This is backwards. She’s the one that’s emotional because she’s the woman. She wants to FEEL something, and what she feels is apathy and annoyance. If you want to create feelings with in her then acting like an obsessive, pathetic, and can do nothing without her love, isn’t going to cut it.

I got fed up with her. She called, and told her that all I was trying to do was take her out to dinner, but it kept getting pushed back for whatever pointless reason, so just F it, it was totally pointless and a waste of my time. I didn't really yell any of this, I said it relatively straightforward as if I meant business.

Okay I take back everything I just said. Actually I don’t because you still need to hear it. But this was long overdue.

She got upset and told me that she would be home in 20 min (she was out with her roommate) and then we could go.

Do you see what happened? I mean do you stop and really see what took place? I’m not going to brag…………actually I am going to brag. I told you in my last post that she has had her way with you so long that she would not expect you to stand up for yourself. And….. while she didn’t. She caved……immediately. I’m going to repeat this again as it is an ongoing theme. HER GAME SUCKS. You totally owned her at her own game with ONE conversation, where you CALMLY stood up for yourself. God, you did everything perfectly.

I told her F that, I just don't even want to go anymore because it wasn't going to be fun at all. She told me to at least come over to talk to her.

Oh this is tremendous. Her game is crumbling. Hopefully, you told her to come talk to you because you were in complete control.

I said if she really wanted to talk, I would come over.

You would come over?

I get there and we talked, and the gist of it was that I'm not here to attack her or issue an ultimatum, but that if she needed to break up with me because it was something she needed to do for herself, then I have to not talk to her anymore because it's something I needed to do for myself to help me move on.

What happened? You had the advantage, you had her back tracking. HER GAME IS AUTROCIOUS! Please wake up to that. You had her and you started talking about your feelings and how you need her. All that backing up and she gained everything back.

I said that it hurts too much for me to wonder if she's going to call me, or want to come back, etc.

How was this going to work?

I told her we need to call this break what it is, a break up. She came back with "well, what did you think this was?"

Dude, brother….I’m a guy and I believe that I am fair but I also back the guy in many break up situations because we do not have it easy in break ups, but come on here….. she was dead on. I mean seriously, I can’t disagree with her at all. I can’t even fault her for using confusing language. What did you think this was? Quite honestly you have no excuses because not only did she tell you, but so did everybody else who posted here.

What makes this whole thing worse you brought this one. I told you this was a game. You didn’t believe me. I told you this was an easy game to beat. You didn’t want to believe me. I told you that if you started throwing things back at her she would either shut up or get mad. You did take my advice and she apparently both shut up and got upset. She then canceled her plans, made time for you and you gave her everything right back and started talking about your feelings and then she told you the truth which you should have already known.

That made me angry, of course,

Why?

but I know she said it in this way to push my buttons. I told her that's bull$#!t because she was saying crap at the beginning like I didn't have to move my furniture out, and that it would be back soon, etc. I told her all she was doing was dangling the possibility of getting back together in front of my face.

She dangled that in your face because she was afraid to face the unknown. It’s a very common trait that women in different countries and cultures share.

I asked her if she wanted to explain herself better, and she told me that, with the exception of her freshman year, she had been with me in college. She said that we had gone out and partied and stuff, but she never really did the "college thing" because we stayed in a lot, which was fun and an easy thing to do, but she felt like she was missing out because she was still young. I thought that was kind of bull because we definitely went out and did stuff.

It is bull and it also didn’t answer the question at all.

Also, when she said that I started thinking 'well what the hell is the college thing? Go out and be a drunk slut and hook up with other guys every night - basically act like your roommate?'

But that is what she wants. I covered that in my original post I believe. You are a back up plan for when this lifestyle either doesn’t work out or she get owned in her stupid games with somebody that will eat her alive.

She also said that she would rather be apart from me now and do this now rather than us move off somewhere or be married and then she wanted to do it.

So in one statement she admits that she will be a slut and she isn’t capable of being loyal to her future husband. Quite the catch.

I agreed with that, but I also said that she could have just told me all of this instead of just dumping me.

Do you not get this yet? You are a back up plan.

I said I would have done whatever she wanted, you know, move out, talk less, or whatever, as long as I knew she was mine and that we were together.

What the F? You would have moved out, talk less and let her screw around, cheat on you, take her out, talk about your feelings and act like a complete wuss as long as you were together? Is it any wonder why she beats you with her pathetic game?

[chuff]

Part 2 of 2

So I got fed up with her crap, and I told her I was sick of playing games, and that I really just didn't want to hear from her anymore unless she was contacting me because she wanted to work on getting back together.

Even when you told her that you didn't want to hear from her you told her you would still be available.

She said she really thought she did, but didn't want to set a date or make promises or anything because that would be stringing me along.

Did you laugh as much as I did? That's all she has done is string you along.

I also told her I'm tired of text messages, and that if she wants to call me she can dial 7 numbers. She told me she loved me and missed me, and I basically just told her she needs to show it then.

You don't see this at all do you? You give her the boot, and she tells you she loves you. It's a game to her. This is all a big game.

She said that she did by inviting me to her birthday - I told her that she also invited all of her friends to her birthday as well, so that was a lame way of showing it. She begged me to at least go to dinner before there was NC and I told her fine because I really wanted to go out with her and have a good time, which is what I was trying to do the past week, but we'll go when I feel like going.

Stuff happened between then and last night, but it was mainly her calling me and texting me. I didn't respond to any texts because I wanted to be a man of my word. I would let her call about 3 times before I even bothered to pick up, and then left the convos short.

So I decide that we go out to eat last night (Tues night). I made it clear though, that I want this to be a date, and she agreed.

Why?

We actually had a really good time, you know, laughing, talking and all that. It was almost like we were just starting over and going out for the first time. I teased her some, and let her just talk about herself and what she's been up to. I broke down and gave her the card and gift card that I've had since her birthday.

I'm at a complete loss.

I told her next time that, if she wants to continue to work on us, she needs to take me out.

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME? WHY WAS SHE NOT PAYING FOR THIS MEAL??

ON TOP OF THAT YOU GAVE HER A GIFT AND CARD??

She said that would be great, or maybe she could make us a nice dinner or something. We finally got back to her place and hung out for a bit. I told her I had to leave in a bit, but then she asked me to stay over. I freaked and wanted to leave, but at the same time I wanted to stay. I called my best friend, and he said just roll with it. He said if she was wanting me to sleep on the couch, then leave, but if she was wanting me to sleep with her, then stay. I told her that I didn't want to stay if it was just because she was going to be lonely tonight, but I wanted to stay for the right reasons, which was because she wanted to work on "us." She swore to God that is why she wanted me to stay (she's will NOT swear to God unless it's true - I've tested this throughout the years. Maybe it's changed now, but that's really just one of those things that I don't think she will change)

Yeah because she's a woman of honesty and integrity who doesn't play games. What'd she do next, sleep with you to keep you in her game because you had been pulling away from her.

. I said OK. So, of course, she was all snuggling up on me and laying her head on my shoulder - this was all stuff she was doing, I didn't try any of this first. When we made to the bed she initiated a make out session which turned into getting it on. We slept in the same bed, and it was good. I loved waking up next to her like I used to.

I SWEAR TO GOD I've never met this woman and yet I can predict her every move. SWEAR TO GOD.

Ok so here comes the bad part - while I was taking a shower this morning and she was doing her hair, and I decided to ask her - and I felt like I needed to know - if she had done anything with anybody else. She asked what that meant. I said that means "have you had sex, made out, etc. with anyone else since we've been apart." She nervously told me she hadn't had sex with anyone else,

Now that's funny. Do you seriously think she didn't open those legs?

but that she had made out with someone else. I got extremely hurt inside because I hadn't done anything with anyone else, and I had absolutely no desire to, but I didn't show that I was upset.

You did. She's a woman, she reads emotions, accept it she knew and to be honest she was probably happy that it made you jealous because she was in complete control again.

I asked her if she would tell me who it was, but she said that would just be too weird - it's probably either someone from her work or a regular that comes to the bar she works at.

You are going to tell me that you asked her who it was but then think you didn't show that you were upset?

She was honest with me at least, which was good, and I told her I'm glad she was honest with me.

Did she give you a popsicle for being a good boy?

Give me a break, she's been lying to you from the start. I mean this in the nicest way, but it's time for you to nut up and start acting like the man here and not like some kid she can manipulate with candy and face facts to who this woman is.

She could have just lied, and she even told me that she was going to just lie, but wanted to be truthful with me.

So by lying about what she was lying about she has told you the truth about the lie?

I told her if she had lied and we got back together and I found out about it later, I would have never spoken with her again because she's already damaged my trust in her.

But she didn't believe you because she had just got free dinner, cards, gifts, sex, attention, and a guy that caves the moment he gets control.

I told her this though and she agreed and said that's why she didn't lie to me.

While news update. No surprise it's the same as yesterday she lied. She tells you this BS because you believe anything she says. SWEAR TO GOD. So all she does is sprinkle the “I know you wouldn't put up with my games” line to you and you suddenly accept it as though you were the one in control.

[chuff]

Part 3 of 3

She asked me if I had done anything - I told her no, and that I hadn't really wanted to.

So you told her that you are waiting for her. You told her what she already wants, that you will wait and be the back up plan.

I asked her if she was drunk when it happened - she said no. I honestly would have been less upset if she said yes. She told me that I could believe her or not, but when she was making out with this guy, all she thought about was me.

FOR THE LOVE OF THE GOD SHE SWEARS TO.

I asked her why she even did it then, and she said "because I just wanted to know, you know?"

I feel like I'm in a bad plot of a soap opera.

Then she said something like "well you could too if you wanted."

Sounds like a major hint.

Man guys, this really just crushed me when she said these things, because I really thought she was wanting to work on us

Where exactly are you getting that from? You are not paying attention at all.

- which maybe she is now,

I mean this in the nicest way, but I could really punch you. NO….NO SHE IS NOT wanting to work this out. She told you to go nail….. I'm sorry, she only made out, another girl. It's over.

but knowing this has made things so much more difficult, and so I almost feel like it's just too late now. Then she went on to say that I was just going to be all mad at her now, but that I had asked and got an answer. I told her I'm not mad, just upset, which is true, in some ways. I mean, I can't be furious because it's not like she cheated on me because we aren't going out, but it really upsets me because I just know that she does not feel the same way about me as I do about her.

You had to know that, she dumped you.

If she did, she wouldn't have done that. She just wouldn't have.

But she thought about you the whole time.

But me telling her I wasn't mad was really just a lie on my part. I actually am really pissed. So I tried to keep a smile on my face and told her I had a good time last night, and started to leave for work. She told me she loved me again,

After all that, she knew you'd pull away so she hits you with L word. Seriously, will you just admit to me this is a game? Just admit that.

but I didn't say anything back, and then she was all hugging me and about to cry and stuff,

She was about to cry. I think it was someone really cool that pointed out they can cry at will. Oh that was me. She controls you through her emotions. It's obvious. It's so obvious that it hurts to read all this because it's so transparent.

and she told me she would be calling me tonight. She tried to kiss me a couple of times and I sort of returned them, but all I could think about was "eww, this mouth is tainted now."

Yep, it sure is.

I jumped in my car and peeled out of her parking lot. I'm not sure that I'll answer though when she calls tonight. I mean, for me that just really sealed the deal. I just don't know if I could ever consider being with her again now. I mean, yeah she made out with someone - it's not like she got laid,

Well down in Florida when someone get's laid they are having sex. Does that mean something different where you live? Because she certainly had sex. Don't bull sh*t a bull sh*tter.

and it's not like it's multiple people that she's been with (at least I think, but who Fing knows now),

Everybody but you.

but I mean if she really did love me still like she claims, then I just don't know why she would do that.

It's almost like she doesn't love you, but does play games with you.

Hmmm, it seems like somebody pointed that out already.

Why am I wasting my time with this chick still. Why?

You got me. I hate her and I've never even met her.

[freakinconfused]

Well, after reading that I feel like the biggest idiot in the entire world. But hey. Guess I had it coming, and I asked for it anyway. Just the kind of thing I need to hear to get my @$$ in shape. Live and learn. I definitely will admit she is playing games, and yeah I probably shouldn't have given her the card and gift card, or even bothered to pay for dinner or anything. And I see where I had control for a minute and lost it all over again. I just don't seem to be able to catch it in the moment, but I guess that takes practice. You are either a natural at games, or you got to learn to play them, and clearly I need to brush up on my game. What's done is done though. Not really much left to do now but forget about her and move on, even though she still continues to call and text me about every day. I just need to change my number.

[jasondbel]

Girls are girls man... they just want to have fun especially at 23. Why would you want to tie yourself down to that one girl because she is the only girl in your life. Of course there is always two sides to the story. Did you leave the toilet seat up? Did you do your and hers laundry on a regular basis? Did you cook? Did you play video games? I can give you countless testimony on girls breaking up with guys after a wedding. Not uncommon. In fact I would say I've heard more break ups after a wedding than any other time. Weddings are like going to a meat market. You should have went when she invited you. She met an older guy and she is with both of you. That sweet loving beautiful creature would never hurt you. Welcome to life pal. Find you another girl my god! That's pitiful 24 five weeks you still have 80 yrs to go.