[valinors_sorrow]

Hmmm, I don't know if this will help or not but here goes. I see your post being more about loss than drinking which relieves me, frankly! It may be that you were happy before simply because you had not experienced any significant loss as yet-- you can't hardly miss what you haven't experienced, now can you?

But here's a little glimpse of my take on LOSS. Loss comes in all shapes, sizes, colors and flavors but they all have some fundemental things in common. One of the wisest things ever suggested to me is we never really get over loss, we just get used to it -- I think that is fairly accurate for how I experience it. It allowed me to give up completely on looking to be who and where I was before the loss occurred. I could now see that is just not possible. And I could also see the "getting used to it" takes time. So I became a little more willing to trudge, a little less expectant of a time table -- that helped too.

Additionally, I would like to say as someone who has experienced a great deal of loss (and I don't mean to sound sort of oddly boastful about that either, it just is how it is) what I have come to realise in all the "getting used to it" is this:

Each loss leaves a hole, a never-to-be-filled-up-again hole. A hole that if I concentrate on it, tends to grow and threatens to overwhelm me. So guess what? I don't concentrate on it! I have dozens and dozens of holes now. There is one for every person and pet I loved who I lost one way or another -- and as I age I accumulate more and more. At this rate, by the time I die, I figure I'll look like a lace doiley and just float off the planet. AND maybe, just maybe, that is a part of the plan, that perhaps that is how we were designed and how loss is meant to be properly accommodated. So do I feel "less than" for having all the holes, hell no! I know I have lived, loved and definitely experienced LOSS -- and will do so up to the day I do die. But it took some time for me to gain any kind of grace with loss... and it will you too. I know from having experienced a very huge loss early in my adolescent years that the more life you have (from growing up) the easier time you have "framing" the loss. At age 15 when it happened to me, I was very nearly pulled under by it.

I watched an interesting documentary the other night called The Gifts of Grief and it helped me a lot. It's a big topic and worth exploring and deciding how you are going to handle it from all the options you have available (drinking being just one and a poor one at that, as you can see by all the posts here).

So there is a little something to think about... I hope you find it worth the reading a long post. Phew!

[talaniman]

Seems to me you really don't want to drink or hangout so DON'T. There has to be other ways to fill your time with out the company of your ex like a hobby or activity you enjoy. If not take the oppurtunity to FIND something new and fun or find some fun people who don't drink. It takes time for the hurts of life to heal , but because one hurts doesn't mean to sit and isolate yourself.

[s_cianci]

As you say, turning to alcohol in order to cope is never the answer. It's perfectly OK to do it to be social. But being social doesn't mean getting wasted every night, to the point where the morning-after pain is "ten-fold." Obviously, going out to bars every night does get expensive, not to mention jeopardizing study time, which is very valuable for a full-time graduate student. You're on a tight budget as it is, both financially and time-wise. Of course, you can always go out and drink non-alcoholic beverages. It's a lot cheaper and a lot safer and you'll still have the pleasure of your friends' company to enjoy.

[YeloDasy]

I would suggest inviting your friends to do something... like a movie... or comedy show, or something else... You invite them to do something and see if they do it, you don't have to go where they go... talk to them, and tell them you need them to do something else, and define that "something else" as what YOU need! Try that! :)

[aqua@home]

But in order to hang out with my friends, alcohol is always part of the equation. Otherwise, I'd isolate myself at home. Many times, I'll not hang out, because going to the bars is not the best idea at this time.

No I do not have this problem and I think you are doing great. You realize this is not something you like doing and you can still choose not to! I think that maybe you should find a new place to meet people. Maybe find a couple of new friends that don't drink. Good luck.

[valinors_sorrow]

Pssst, I hear on great authority from a personal friend that Starbucks is a great chick watching place and the only thing you might get there is caffeine buzz! Hint: just don't be ordering anything like a double espresso shot, swiss mocha cappachino with two percent milk, easy on the whipped cream and a dash of nutmeg okaaaaaaay??

:cool: Just a thought?

[LUNAGODDESS]

You are in grad school... mentor... MENTOR... there are so many people needing a support system... guaranteed not to bore you... be a Big Brother... go and build a house for humanity... go to a cooking and or wine classes... great place to hook - up... a calmer scenery ( saying it softly)... there is someone out there waiting for a person wanting a future... guess what that could be you... get up and GO GET THEM!. I am not nasty to you... great job in knowing that a no-where direction is not the way to go...

[ilovcali]

I don't know if I'm weird, but how can anyone really get involved seriously with someone new, a few weeks, maybe even a few months after a serious relationship? How can you really do that?

I'm 1.5 months out of the most serious relationship I've ever had. I have been on a few dates, but there's no way I'm ready TO BE with someone new. I don't even know how I could be. DATING is very different from a RELATIONSHIP.

I can't even get myself to like someone new, and some of the girls I had dates with, have been very nice. I still miss the ex so much. I haven't even conscientiously compared the new girls to the ex, I just still miss her very much. So much.

If anything, trying to be with someone new too soon, will make things much worse. Though I know of some people who can do it. I just don't know how they do it.

I really don't even want to be truly CLOSE or INTIMATE with someone new. I just don't care that much. INTIMACY does not mean sex. EMOTIONAL INTIMACY is what I mean.

What I miss about her is coming home, eating dinner and watching TV with the woman I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. Being able to COMPLETELY be myself, say what I want, and be OPEN. I miss that more than anything. No one but her, can give me that for A LONG TIME. You don't GET THERE in any SHORT TIME.

And I'm a guy, and she was the only one in my life, who ever got that close to me. And I miss that, so much.

How can anyone replace such a thing so quickly?

[Skell]

Ditto here mate.
I have the same feelings and thoughts.
I suppose I'm somewhat satisfied to know that my ex SO FAR hasn't been able to move to a new relationship. I guess this might show that she also is healing and getting over what was a very serious love.
I think it is needy and clingy people that rush into new relationships so soon. It isn't healthy and they rarely last. It shows more of their own personality flaws that they can rush into something new so quick than any flaws in the ex partner.
These people will find out the hard way that it isn't healthy jump straight back in simply because they need someone.
As you said though it is only time.
I miss the same things. Im struggling too. Struggling badly at times but I'm sure it will get better.

[luv2dance12298]

I know EXACTLY how you feel.

It takes time.

And WHO KNOWS how people do it!!

[Skell]

And ill tell you this much. Your doing fine. Only 1.5 months. Going good mate.
I'm 5 months and I still get all those feelings. It gets better but yes it still does hurt.
But for only 1.5months down the track you are going pretty good my friend!

[tirednhurt86]

Skell is def. right. You are doing amazing for 1.5 months in. I'm 4 months in and I still have these feelings as well. Its funny because I was going to post a question similar to yours today on here! I was wondering if I was abnormal because I can't move on yet. I want that connection with someone again and the closeness but I know I'm not ready. My ex hasn't moved on just yet but he did once leave me a nasty message saying he liked a new girl and wanted to date her, to kind of rub it in my face. Anyhow, some people just take all their insecurities and problems from one relationship to the next- this is not fair to the new person. There must always be a healing time after a relationship- esp. a serious long term one like I had. Its OK to be single but some people want to be with someone so badly that they settle- I know you do not want to settle and that is why you are single- good for you! Just grieve your loss and forget about others. What they have so soon after a relationship ends, most likely will not last and if it did- are they seriously happy? I highly doubt that they would be. Anyhow we don't know what other feel deep down we only see what they allow us to see and most people allow only good things to be seen. Just take time for yourself and forget dating for now. If the woman of your dreams walks in to your life go for it, but for now just be alone and work on you- that's what I'm doing and its hard but it will be worth it- just think how amazing your next relationship will be because you loved and learned so you know more going in the next time. Anyhow, these people are most likely insecure people who define themselves by being with someone- be different- do not conform to what the world expects. Its hard not to compare but anytime you feel yourself comparing stop yourself and tell yourself you are not ready and that one day you will be. Goodluck and message me if you need to talk!

[valinors_sorrow]

That you can't just jump is a good thing...

People who jump from relationship to relationship without seeming to bother to heal in between or without using the time in between to heal even though they make it look like they did are often not in the same kind of relationship as the rest of us are. Its an amazing thing to see someone attempt to use being in a relationship to "fix" things-- things that will not be fixed that way. Things like low self esteem, lack of any life, poor social status, or finances. Or they use the distraction of being in a relationship to cover other things. Things like not being grown up or not feeling like they are whole from a crappy childhood. They use their partners to imitate the skills the don't have themselves while never fixing the cause of it at the source. Some of them aren't even in love with their partners but instead are "in love with love" and the partner is a handy "excuse" for it, sad as that is. They can fool others for some period, but it never lasts-- that is the dead giveaway. How do I know this? I did this and had enough failed relationships to eventually see that it was me.

It takes two fairly whole and grown up people to have a really healthy, deep and satisfying relationship. Incomplete, damaged or immature people need work that a partner is never going to provide and in fact SHOULD NOT provide. Not ever.

That all your respective relationships didn't work out may be that you were essentially "too well" for them and they had to abandon the ship before you saw that or they sought someone more to their level and traded - a very common phenomena. They treat relationships like busses-- there will be another one along any minute, only they're cunning enough not to reveal that openly.

Please let yourselves grieve - that you can't just up and go is a good sign. It means you are real. Grieving is a process that takes time. If you feel stuck in it, let's talk about that, but only after you've let some time pass because you might see, "yes, it is getting a little easier, it really slowly is". The hurt fades, the desire for your ex fades, the anger with your ex fades, it all becomes more ordinary as you convince yourself you can survive it by well LOL surviving it. And next time, pay attention to the one you're inclined to be interested in. Listen to how she/he talks about who she/he was with, how they broke up and how long did it take her/him to recover. You'll start seeing what I mean here. You are all just fine, pain and all. It is a part of living and loving.

[s_cianci]

Many people get caught up in "rebound" relationships and that's what you're describing. I'm really not sure how or why these happen. I suppose it's a way that the "injured" party in a recently ended relationship sees to get back what they had. However, this kind of thinking is flawed for two reasons: 1.) It's a different person, not the same one they just lost and 2.) one can't recapture a relationship that was built up over many months or years in an instant upon meeting someone new. This is why rebound relationships are doomed to failure ; it's the wrong cure for the wrong disease. It's really unfair to the person being used as the rebound cushion, as (s)he is totally blameless and is just being led on even though they may be in fact ready for a meaningful, healthy relationship with someone. Of course, the usual rules of taking it slow at first, etc. apply.

[s_cianci]

I think it is needy and clingy people that rush into new relationships so soon. It isnt healthy and they rarely last. It shows more of their own personality flaws that they can rush into something new so quick than any flaws in the ex partner.
These people will find out the hard way that it isnt healthy jump straight back in simply because they need someone.

This is right on! Exactly it.

[ilovcali]

Hi all. Many of you know my story pretty well by now. My ex and I broke up 2 months ago. She lived with me, we had spoken of marriage and kids, house, the total package. Aside from when we ran into each other, there has been no contact from either party.

If you recall, many of her actions led me to explode one day on her. She was always very flirtatious, wore very provocative clothing, never introduced me to her friends, basically kept me hidden. Many times, she would go to this one bar, wearing provocative clothing, with her best friend, just so guys could hit on them. And she would never let me go with her on those occasions, and she never liked going to "her bar" when she was with me. We actually went everywhere but there. This is while she was dating me. I did everything I could for her, I cooked dinners, I took her out, I helped her with schoolwork, I introduced her to all my friends. I think I did all a man can do for a woman.

She finally broke up with me, blaming me. She said she couldn't believe I could have been so harsh that day I yelled at her. I admit, I was harsh that day. But that was months after me telling her that certain things I did not like. She would flirt with guys, and never mention she had a boyfriend. She would never talk about me with any friends at all. Like I was not even part of her life. It felt like she took me for granted. It did hurt so much.

After the break-up, she has starting seeing a therapist. What hurts the most, was she used my one day of yelling as the reason to break-up. I felt great guilt about yelling at her. But I am stunned that she has no remorse or guilt about anything she did. She just pawned it off as she never did anything wrong. And she is doing the same things she did, while she was with me. Going to the same bar, just hitting on guy after guy.

She walked through me like I meant nothing. Without a second thought for a man who did so much for her. Did I really mistreat her so much? I mean, what in the world did I do? Was she normal, and am I the one who was crazy?

She felt no loss whatsoever. I have so much grief, because despite her flaws, we did have a connection I've never had in my life. I'm almost 30, so is she. I miss that connection. I wish I could only look at the bad things, but the good things were so good. Better than anything else.

I guess I hoped she would change for me, because I would have attempted to change if she asked me to. But she never had any complaints about me. She had no heart or conscience for me at all.

Why am I the one who feels loss and pain? I don't know for sure, but I don't think she is at all. She is doing the same things she used to, without missing a step. I really meant nothing. I think that also hurts so much.

I am working on myself. But I'm so stunned people can be like this. Especially someone you thought really cared. You find out they didn't give a rats ***. I sometimes wish I could be like that. I just feel at a loss, with lot of my faith in life tarnished. She did much more wrong that I, and walked away, unscathed, undeterred. I am left with a wound that will take very long to heal from. I just don't get it.

[s_cianci]

First of all, don't feel so guilty about yelling at her. She had it coming and I'm sure she's yelled at you many times before you finally blew up at her. And don't worry ; no thinking person, including her therapist, is going to buy the story that she ended a longstanding relationship over that one single incident. Much of her behavior was inappropriate and unfair to you. Unfortunately it seems as if the two of you had different levels of involvement in the relationship, with you giving much more than her. Evidently the two of you had different ideas and beliefs concerning the standards to adhere to in a relationship. The two of you probably weren't compatible from the start. I can't say why she stayed with you as long as she did. Maybe you were a security blanket for her. Unfortunately it sounds like she wanted her cake and eat it too. It sounds like there were lots of red flags from the start that you should have been wise to. Remember, if something doesn't seem or feel right, it isn't. Her wearing provocative clothing, going out to bars with her girlfriends without you, not introducing you to any of her friends or acknowledging you as her boyfriend ; all of these signaled trouble. Giving her the benefit of the doubt was not a good move and never is. These should have been indicators for you to run like the wind!

[talaniman]

Cali, that you are having these feelings shows you are human. A human that cares and you got hooked up with a low down dirty-well you get the picture. I'm sure after your emotions, which are running high now, come down a bit you'll be able to see the reasons to find yourself lucky that you no longer have the bee-yatch around to bring you down. You may have been in love but her behavior was driving you nuts, so a break-up as painfull as it is, was exactly what you needed. You may not have been able to do it yourself but, and tell the truth, it worked in your favor and now you just have to continue with the healing process. Venting is better than being trampled on by some immature drama queen, and I know you feel better for it.

[chuff]

Cali, As I've really started to look inward at myself, like you are doing I have been asking a lot of questions of myself. Why do I feel this way? Why do I behave this way? Why are those around me not living by the same standards I am? One of the things that I really started to say to myself after looking back was, “How could I have been so stupid in that situation or in that circumstance?” What's worse is that over the course of my life I've made the same mistakes with different women and never even realized it until recently. And that is what makes me most upset. It's not getting used by the woman or the break up but it's knowing that in the end, I essentially caused my own hurt and pain. The signs were always there but emotional people like you and I always make excuses for it. It's not that you and I are stupid, but we think on an emotional level that these types of woman do not. Your asking yourself “why wasn't I good enough when I did all these things for her but I bet if you follow that line of thinking and keep going your really asking yourself, “Why did I CONTINUE to do all these nice things for her when she obviously did not care.” For me the answer is that if I showed them I was different or I cared more than anybody else they would appreciate me more. God just writing it makes me cringe because I know that it came off looking just the opposite. Your answer might the same or it might be different but I urge you to explore what it is. One thing I've learned from reading these posts is that when she pulls away you pull away. Emotional people dive in when the other one pulls away like she was doing. Then when they pull farther away we dive in further. It a vicious circle and it's a dangerous circle. The further we go in when they pull away the more emotional damage they can create in the end.

By the way I am also a couple months away from being 30 so don't feel to bad. I'm a late bloomer as well, and to be honest I'm glad I'm not alone. We'll get this right one day.

[ilovcali]

Thanks for the responses guys. I know you're right. I knew you were right even when I was dating her. That is why I saw the red flags and pointed them out during the relationship. If she had listened to what I had said, or understood where I was coming from, it could have been different. She never compromised, never. She always played an air on innocence and said she didn't realize she was doing anything wrong. I could never understand how she didn't realize her actions were not right.

S_ciani, do you really think this was a personality difference? How could we have dated for so long and been connected (she did have a connection to me as well) if our personalities were so out of tune? I have has serious relatonships before, but never was I ready or willing to marry the girl until my ex. Do you really thnk her behavior would work in a committed relationship with someone else? Does that sound like a healthy relationship?

Honestly, there were multiple times I was about to break-up with her throughout the relationship because of the red flags. Every time, she would start crying and tell me how much she loved me and cared for me. I couldn't go through with it. I fell into her trap.

In the end, she didn't think I was good enough for her I guess. Which does hurt. But I am working on the healing process. Each day is not better than the last, but I am trudging through, and will make it at some point.