[Wondergirl]

You say I was not ready for marriage. I assumed that I would feel the inclination to do it. I did not feel it, but instead had doubt. Is that not ready, or perhaps being with the wrong partner?

Sort of like, both. Does it matter?

[help4me2200]

Sorta like, both. Does it matter?

It matters to me. Our love was dying dowm, and I had doubts about her long term. Living with her would be a house of pain (or so I thought). I do not want to think I am commitment phobic. I am worried that I should have settled for her.

[Wondergirl]

It matters to me. Our love was dieing dowm, and I had doubts about her long term. Living with her would be a house of pain (or so I thought). I do not want to think I am commitment phobic. I am worried that I should have settled for her.

Not marrying one person is not commitment phobic. Had you done the pre-marital dance with counseling, etc. you would have figured it out in time if she wasn't the one for you.

[none12345]

If you have someone in mind, than I don't think you're ready to marry that person because you question it.

To know if its "the one" or not, you have a feeling that everything is right, something you won't regret, won't give a second thought, everything is perfect.

Also I don't think there is "the one". Life is unpredictable and anything can happen.

[Nestorian]

Feelings are easily deceived, or misinterpreted. Look at it this way, our feelings are a result of our thoughts, keeping in mind that people can have thoughts that are subconcious and that are super fast, so much so that many don't even realize they have them.

Be aware of your thoughts and learn self control. Very few of us are ever sure of anything, and when we are, we tend to be fooling ourselves. “Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.”
Confucius

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”
Confucius

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.”
Confucius

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”
Confucius

“Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.” ~Edward Albee

“Seeking is not always the way to find.” ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts, but if he will content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.” ~Francis Bacon

“The future influences the present just as much as the past.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

"There are many things in this world I can not understand, but it seems to me that there are many things in this world that do not understand me. So rationality is as fleeting as the thoughts that make it so..."- Nestorian

These are the lessons I see in your issues. Try to pay attention and relate them. It would be benaficial to your endeavors.

Peace and kindness be with you.

[help4me2200]

Powerful stuff. You Sir have much wisdom. Thank you for bestowing it upon me. I see the light...

[Romefalls19]

To me, if you're questioning it, they aren't the one you should marry. Cold feet, sure. But questioning the person, not quite

[talaniman]

Do you know when you have met "the one" to marry?

There is no such thing as the one. Its the one you are willing to take a risk with.

Be logical, as a human male, there are probably millions of female humans you can work with, and have a happy fulfilling life with.

Pick one, and take the risk.

[enilorac]

Hi Everybody. I broke up with my ex 17 months ago. We were together for about 3 years. I broke up with her during a big argument. Basically, I did not feel that I wanted to marry her, and she wanted it. I was cool with the break up for about 4 months, and then I found out she had moved on with a new guy. I went back to her but she rejected me. I was devistated, and became deeply depressed. I developed insomnia, and could not sleep for months. Some part of me felt as if I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me. Clearly she had some great qualities, and loved me a lot, but my gut did not feel it would work 24/7. Our 3 year relationship was only on weekends. I'm still hurting 17 months later (but less than before). Can anybody please tell me how to get over this, and if you think I truly made a mistake in breaking up with her? Thanks for your comments!

My relationship is due for a split. We have been dating for 7 years and seen each other only on the odd weekend.

I'm bracing myself for it.
Reading your entry I can kind of relate to.

I want to get married and yes id be gutted if my partner didn't want to marry me.
However I'm not splitting with him for that reason!
Long story. *sigh*

[help4me2200]

my relationship is due for a split. we have been dating for 7 years and seen each other only on the odd weekend.

im bracing myself for it.
reading your entry i can kind of relate to.

i want to get married and yes id be gutted if my partner didnt want to marry me.
however im not splitting with him for that reason!
long story. *sigh*

Take my advice. Think it through carefully. Talk to your partner honestly. If its workable, try to save it. If not, move on with peace in your heart.

[help4me2200]

Feelings are easily decieved, or misinterpreted. Look at it this way, our feelings are a result of our thoughts, keeping in mind that people can have thoughts that are subconcious and that are super fast, so much so that many don't even realize they have them.

Be aware of your thoughts and learn self control. Very few of us are ever sure of anything, and when we are, we tend to be fooling our selves. “Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.”
Confucius

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”
Confucius

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.”
Confucius

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”
Confucius

“Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.” ~Edward Albee

“Seeking is not always the way to find.” ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts, but if he will content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.” ~Francis Bacon

“The future influences the present just as much as the past.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

"There are many things in this world I can not understand, but it seems to me that there are many things in this world that do not understand me. So rationality is as fleeting as the thoughts that make it so..."- Nestorian

These are the lessons I see in your issues. Try to pay attention and relate them. It would be benaficial to your endevors.

Peace and kindness be with you.

I read the quotes, and I do understand all of it on some level. I still hurt because there is some small doubt in me the keeps coming back, and making me feel that maybe I should have tried harder to make it work with her. Maybe I was foolish to let her go. Maybe There is no perfect partner, just accept what comes. Where is the truth in all of this??

It also bothers me that she moved on in 3 months, and is happily (or so I believe) dating another guy for over a year.

It's in my head every day.

[talaniman]

Or maybe you aren't dealing with your feelings very well, and are reliving them over, and over again.

That usually says you haven't regrouped and built new memories, or something has happen to trigger these feelings again.

Which is it?

[Nestorian]

"I read the quotes, and I do understand all of it on some level. I still hurt because there is some small doubt in me the keeps coming back, and making me feel that maybe I should have tried harder to make it work with her. Maybe I was foolish to let her go. Maybe There is no perfect partner, just accept what comes. Where is the truth in all of this???

It also bothers me that she moved on in 3 months, and is happily (or so I believe) dating another guy for over a year.

It's in my head every day."-You

Self doubt is dangerous. You're feelings decieve you, let go of your fear. Its OK to be scared, confused, uncertain, but don't dwell on it so much so that you fail to see the rest of life.

I think you are displaying your fears to connect to new people, and you are afraid you will not be accepted by another women... She is gone, you let go, and now you are suffering and don't know why. What do you want in life? What are your hopes and dreams? Where did you want to be in 10 years from now, a year a go?

Now, why did you simply like the weekend thing and not put more time into being with her on week days? Why did you not fear leaving her every weekend?

Hmm, You sure do have a lot of wieght on her and being happy and moving on after 3 months. Perhaps you thought you meant more to her? You are feeling she didn't really care after all, or that you mean less than this guy or even her? You feel belittled, betray, insignificant, low, and ultiamtely feel unworthy?

Think on those very hard, for get what you said, answer what I wrote, do you feel those or not? Good luck.

[help4me2200]

OK. The truth is that I connected to my ex in some deeper way, deeper than I have ever had before. I knew that she was there for me, and understood me at the deepest level. We were able to connect imtimately, and I would always go about knowing that I had her, and everything was all right. Even when she was at a distance, I felt OK, because I knew she was there as my girlfriend. I never replaced that. I went on a date tonight, and the girl was cute, but not a connection on the level that I had. I am afraid. I want to deperately believe that I will find it again, and that this time it will be more right than the last. I know that I need to let go for my own good. I hold onto the past, because I am afraid of the future. I was wrong to hold my ex for so long, when I did not feel that I would marry her. Every time that I pulled away, she would come back to me. In the end, I forced her away. Maybe it was the best thing to do (break up), but I feel incomplete. I lost myself confidence, and self esteem. They are gradually coming back. I want to find a great girl that I can be right for. I'm better, but still hurting. I need to find myself in all of this.

[help4me2200]

Yes, I felt that I meant more to her. I feel belittled and betrayed. She does not care about me, and yes that hurts a lot. She replaced me. The truth is that it was mine to keep or discard. I chose to discard it. So much of her was right, but some part was not right. She nurtured me. In the end, I held her stuff for months, and returned it after I knew she met somebody else. Maybe, I expected her to come back and apologize. She never could say "I'm sorry", so the hurt inside me stayed. I was not going to reach out to her, when I felt she caused the problem. I have to beocme a more mature person, and this will make that happen. I do need to keep moving forward with a smle, and believe. I have felt so much pain after the relationship. She felt the pain during the relationship with each interim break up. Life brings us some hard lessons...

[Nestorian]

"She replaced me."-You
Maaybe she is trying, but you are the only you in this world. She, if she takes time to find her self, really is looking for some one like you, but not like you. She wants to increase the chances for a healthy successful relationship, so she needs to find some one who has the qualities like you that made her happy, as well as you, but also with out the qualities that made the relationship not work...

"The truth is that it was mine to keep or discard."-You
Was it? Regardless of your choices, she had to chose to be with you as well. Sure you could have choose to work with her, or not, but your choice doesn't dictate what she decides to do, or you may be together now... Right?

"She never could say "I'm sorry", so the hurt inside me stayed."-You
Um, didn't you break it off? If it makes you feel better I never got a sorry from my ex, actaully she said that she loved my like a sad puppy... (man that was cold.) But I still lover her just the same, and 3 years later it hurts just the same, but now I know that I am responsible for my thoughts, emotions/feelings, and actions. It's me who has to live my life and I'm not going to waste it recalling the painful times, when I can draw strength from each situational lesson and make new experiences to draw from, hopefully positive ones.

But yes, what was the problem again? (sorry, got a lot on my mind these days.)

"I have to beocme a more mature person, and this will make that happen. I do need to keep moving forward with a smle, and believe. I have felt so much pain after the relationship. She felt the pain during the relationship with each interim break up. Life brings us some hard lessons..."

Maturity would most likely benafit you. Going about life "with a smile on your face", not always a good thing. If you feel like crap once in a while then let it out, but only allow yourself a predetermined, by you, amount of time. Don't force yourself to be happy, just try focusing on things that are happy for you. Like exercising, and running, biking, sports, hanging out with friends and such. I strongly suggest you just go see a counsellor for a little extra insight at this point as you seem pretty set in these "darker thoughts". Work on yourself, by sitting down and asking yourself how your day went then write about it. Try journaling maybe.

And once again, yes, life can teach some pretty harsh lessons. Then again, we have a habit of expecting life to give us many great things; perhaps we would be wisest not to expect anything from life, but to be grateful for what we receive.

Peace and kindness be with you brother.

[coyne740]

Ok bro, I am not the same or different than you but read my thread here - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ht-290618.html... I was a wreck when my ex left me for someone else. It kills the male ego to see that we are not as important as we thought we were. But guess what? It will pass once you go out and meet new people, and start living for you. Trust me when I say this, you don't see a way out right now? But you will! Just start doing what you like to do! My ex hated when I worked out because it was improving me, and it was something that she had no say in. I started again and I am proud to say, I am down 60lbs, benching my final 12 reps at 260lbs, and barbell curling 135! It's amazing how much it has helped. What do you want to do for the rest of your life? WHATEVER YOU WANT!! That's the best part of being single. And someday, she'll email you, and you'll think the same thing I do when my ex emails me... huh, poor thing, she never got to have what I have right now!

[help4me2200]

Thank you for the inspiration. I am starting to believe that things will turn out OK. I will keep the faith, and keep on living my life.

[none12345]

All the things you said, are just your perspective. Obviously she was not the person for you because if she was, she wouldn't have left. Sometimes your emotions just blinds you into thinking how perfect it was or could have been when really that wasn't the case. I think you need to look pass that and let her go. Once you do, someone else will come along.

[help4me2200]

All the things you said, are just your perspective. Obviously she was not the person for you because if she was, she wouldnt have left. Sometimes your emotions just blinds you into thinking how perfect it was or could have been when really that wasnt the case. I think you need to look pass that and let her go. Once you do, someone else will come along.

Valid point. The facts became distorted with time. Emotions have a way of changing the facts. Time will heal. I know that she was not for me. My biggest mistake was in looking back. I know my life is in the present and future. The consolation here is if we did marry, it would have been so much worse for both of us. Letting go takes time, but I am trying.