[Pboy87]

Hmmmmmm... insecurity? I thought insecurity was fearing that your girl will leave you for some other guy..
Hmmmmm...
I don't how to stop thinking about what others think of my girl, who they link her with.. how they think I'm a loser for not being able to handle it etc. The close dance bit I'll get over.. I have already started meeting dancers, thinking of joining a dance school even for at least a few months.. If I don't learn anything to change my thinking, I'll still be able to salsa at parties at least and dance with my girl at times.

But yeah, this I just realised and need to work on.. That I can't stop people from thinking crap. But it's a tough situation to handle hen you feel people think crap about you and think your girl is easy and you can't do anything about it.

[talaniman]

I find worrying about what other people think, or do, distracts me from doing what's important to me.

[Pboy87]

Hmmm.. I'll surely keep that in mind always.. thanks so much...

And about the dance paranoia? I still don't think I'm 100% comfortable seeing her close dancing with other men , maybe in time I will get over it?

[talaniman]

LOL, you must not be in the United States. I guess its something you are not use too.

[mmresd]

First, learn to control your emotions, dancing is just dancing. Second, either take dancing classes or tell her to teach you. Lastly, take her out dancing, and support her hobby, for you to want to make her stop her dancing especially if it is soooo integrated into her life is mean and overpossesive.

[Pboy87]

NO I don't want her to stop dancing altogether.. But yeah, maybe close dancing with other guys I wouldn't like. That bit I'm not yet comfortable with. She loves dancing and can dance as much as she wants but I just wish she keeps distance.

[talaniman]

I doubt that happens so adjust your own thinking, and let it go as no big deal, that's what she thinks, its not a big deal to her. So don't make it one. You have expressed your displeasure, but hasn't changed, so don't make her pay while you wrap your head around it! Leave or stay, but don't be stuck, or make YOUR issue HERS.

Hopefully you get to a point that you decide not to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Is this a deal breaker for the relationship?

[Pboy87]

Well she doesn't find it a big deal or anything. Its just getting myself to trust other guys touching and holding her and being able to see her hold someone else so sensually other than me.

And well, as of now this does seem like a deal breaker for her . She won't stop partner dancing ever anyway as she is a dancer and loves it and I'd never want to change her. Though I hope there is more distance between the dancers than a guys thigh between her legs and their upper bodies completely touching.

She isn't comfortable that I have a problem with her close dancing with guys . She doesn't understand me and I can't yet understand her perspective.
So I spoke to her and told her that I will always be around but I don't want you to be tied down because of me as I really wish to see her happy. She thinks I'm breaking up with her giving the old 'its not you, its me' excuse. But its just that I want to see her happy and enjoy and not give up something so close to her heart (she has made some sacrifices for me previously, like cut off talking to some close friends who were her ex-flings as they were still hooked onto her and tried to push me away from her though she didn't think so as they were different when just I was there and different when she was there too) and I know I would get uncomfortable again seeing her close dance and will fight I guess as I don't know how long it will take me to accept close dance as just dance. Rome wasn't built in a day. I am trying to accept close dance but till I am not completely over it I don't want her to stop or nag her about it. So I told her that she is free and I don't want to tie her down. She had said words like, I love you and I'm miserable. And well thinking about it, I don't want her to be miserable because of me.
She still feels we should at least be friends but I don't know.I may still get issues up. I don't know what to do. I love her. But don't want to hurt her or fight anymore. But I'm also not over this issue yet and it will bother me if it happens again. Don't know what to do..

[Pboy87]

My girlfriend and I have been together for around 1.5 yrs now.(on and off).. Would fight n breakup for a few weeks and get back.. Except once, we broke up for around 3 months and got back. I went around having random flings during those 3 months( no dates or emotional talks or anything.. Random girls at parties or things like that).. But she claims she never went on a single date as she hoped for us to work. And she thought that if she did date, I wouldn't take her back. As a date is more emotion based.
We had a fight 2 -3 weeks back about her close dancing the bachata with another guy at a party ( I put that up in the forum too and got answers and lots of clarity then). We had a huge fight as she is a dancer and she won't change that. At the same time, I haven't been brought up in a dance environment. It was very orthodox with me and hence touching and close body contact with the opposite sex for me was always considered sexual and I couldn't understand close dances as a sensual art form and thought of it as erotic and sexual.
She thought I was waaaay too possessive. As she is a professional dancer and actor and both fields require considerable amount of physical contact. ( She thought we broke up at this point as I asked her for time for myself to get over my issues and told her that it could take time).
We still spoke a bit after that, and then she had some issue with my best friend and asked me to choose him or her and I told her I'm not doing any crap like this and then our contact got almost cut off.. ( my best friend and her are now back to being buddies, I just got phased out now)..
Anyway, we started talking lesser and lesser and she would talk to me only when I initiated contact.
If I text her, she would reply. Or she wouldn't message or call on her own anymore.
I got fed up of this and stopped contacting her last week. And for 4 days we were without any contact.
Then I wrote to her again. And she would reply and we'd end up fighting.
Yesterday she asked me on chat, if it is really difficult to get laid. And I replied I wouldn't know I'm not going around but yeah it should be easier for girls than for guys. And she told me that whoever she is meeting now wants a relationship with her and she just wants a rebound or a random fling. I was shocked as to why she is telling me this.. So I asked her if she has been dating.. She said she went on one date with some guy some days back and told him she isn't over me as she still loves me and the guy said he is willing to wait till she gets over me. She says she freaked out when he said that and didn't date that guy again yet as she doesn't want all that. I got really quesy as she was telling me all this, but she also says she didn't even kiss him let alone anything else.
And then last night told me, that since we both think different about her touching other guys and dance. And that I'm very possessive,we can't be together as a couple, but she still loves me a lot. But love isn't everything in life.

Now,the problem here is.. Because I had that issue about not understanding close dance I started learning dance. Signed up and dedicatedly I would go to learn it past 2 weeks and I'm over the whole physical contact thing. She doesn't know that I started learning dance as we @eren't much inn contact and I thought I'd just call her one day and surprise her. I'm just very hurt that, while the time I was trying to get over my issues and learning dance to understand her.. ( change my whole view about something that I had for 24 years of my life) she was out looking for guys, flirting around and dating to get laid and have sex. And had this date gone good and the guy would also want a fling like her, I wouldn't even know about it and they would be f**king around.. I just don't know what to do now.

She has started going on dates and wants to get laid she says (weird is why she tells ME this of all the people on the planet).. Even though she thinks that I wouldn't ever take her back if she dates around . So does she really not want this anymore? She says she has accepted that we can't be together as I had a problem with her dance and I should accept it too.. Though she also keeps saying she loves me a lot and knows I love her a lot. And doesn't know that I am over the dance issues as I am now learning it myself and understand the whole psyche behind it.
She says she loves me a lot and won't get over me even with the casual rebounds she wishes to have now, but she just wants the flings to have fun. And so went on dates and is flirting around again.
I really don't understand what to do now. Please help me. Been having sleepless nights and can't even eat food right because of so much on my head.

[Schoolmarm97]

I'm not at all clear on why you're calling her your "girlfriend". You've been seeing each other only on-and-off for just a year and a half. The math suggests you've been apart (and having "flings") about half that time.

I think you really need to reassess what this relationship is, because apart from the drama, it doesn't seem to have much of a framework to build on for the future.

[talaniman]

It may be to late for all of this second chance stuff, since you had them before. Maybe this time you get yourself under control before you do anything. I don't know, but my guess is she spoke from anger, but even if she was serious, its none of your business, and you really need to focus on you, not her. Get healthy dude, or nothing good comes of this. You have never listened before, but please do so now!

Get your own act together, before you even consider talking to her again. You have many personal issues to resolve for yourself.

[Pboy87]

Yeah I did have the issue of possessiveness.. And I did work on it and get over it. That's why it's a bit irritating and disturbing, That all this while that I was working on our relationship problem and my issues to have something better with her , she was out looking for guys to date to have random sex flings.
She wasn't angry when she said any of these things. And My friends think it was more in lines to get me jealous and show me that she doesn't need me and is moving on. Or either that I don't keep her hanging and tell her, I want her or don't and make it clear.. So I asked her out again even though her going on dates already is bothering me deep inside I'm getting over it.. and she said we can't work as you are possessive and lets just be friends. Had I gone on a date she would have turned the world upside down.
last night I informed her, that I had started learning dance and understand close dance now and had gotten over the possessiveness. I didn't ask her out now, just that before we parted of to whatever I wanted her to know that I did make an effort all this while when she was out dating. She still claims she loves me a lot and knows I love her too but also says lets be friends. So I'm confused. I told her I was and will always be her friend. But I'm still confused as to where this is heading.

[talaniman]

Hopefully its headed for some growth, and self improvement on your part. Leave her alone, and know you paid a big price for your earlier fears, insecurities and controlling nature. When you accept your mistakes, you can correct them and learn, so give this time away from her a chance to make you a healthier partner in the future.

Now you can be stuck on what you have lost, and sit in self pity, or you can get your act together in case she does take a second look later. Up to you.

[Pboy87]

I am trying to improve myself.. ad I still kind of have this feeling that she will look me up after some time.. She still says she loves me but just can't live with me because of my possessiveness. The problem is that she is going on random dates and flirting around now and wants to have casual sex so when she does look me up I really wonder what I should do after she has kind of taken a different guy tour and come back. Should I be with her then or not?

[talaniman]

Keep working on you guy, and cross that bridge when, and if it come to that. Until then don't worry about tomorrow, just deal with TODAY! Practice your new dancing skills on others. Might be fun.

[Pboy87]

I am.. and it is fun.. I'm actually getting compliments from my dance trainers for the speed of progress.. doing.. salsa... cha cha cha.. and jive.. not all that well, but can definitely dance to save my life now..

Coming back to the main issue that I have now,. I am trying to cross the bridge.. and I am getting there.. Taking each day at a time.. its just that she isn't around to see my progress anymore. She is dating other people already.

I am confused at Just one question now. IF she does realise the change in me and comes back.. should I get back with her then? After she has gone around and had random sex with many different guys while I was making an effort to be better to be with her?

[talaniman]

I find it disgusting guy that you would change and do better for someone else, and not just for yourself. What she is doing is none of your business, and you still have that old stinking thinking that got you dumped in the first place.

Chances are, your transformation will take a while, so its not wise to wait, and HOPE she comes back. She isn't waiting and hoping for you to change. She is living her life, and that's what you should be doing. In reality, YOU don't really know what she is doing, but your fear has you assuming the worst.

Concentrate on you, and don't assume, or presume anything from, or about her. That's crazy.If you better yourself, and get to a place of good thinking you will be in control of yourself, in a calm cool way. Then you will build a better life for yourself.

And you won't be stuck or obsessed on what she is doing. You won't be torturing yourself with useless thoughts over things that are out of your control. It's a longer harder path than you think so one step at a time, do the change first and get to a place of being healthy and happy with yourself.

[Pboy87]

Well I'm not imagining.. the last time I spoke to her she did tell me she is moving on and dating guys for flings.. doesn't want anything serious with any guy now as she isn't over me, but she has started dating around again.
So I am not making stuff up. Just saying what she told me.

[talaniman]

Dude she is taking the steps to get over you. She may not want to come back, whether you have changed for the better or not. Doesn't matter what she says any more. Doesn't matter to you what she does. You have your own business to tend to, and really do need to leave her alone so you can heal and move on.

You can do this the hard way, or the right way. Enough of this what she said stuff. That's CRAP now.