[graduate2life]

How old are you and your wife? Did you date at all yourself before you got married to her?

She is from a city and you from a small town. Looks like part of your phobia is coming from social differences in your upbringing. You need to overcome this by looking at other women/girls in the cities and realizing that having a male friend (like your wife did , by the way before marriage in this case) is not a crime. She seems progressive, educated, mature and an honest individual to me. You should be proud of your spouse.

What she speaks to you is about you. Women are not pre-programmed robots that they will shower praise and love on opposite sex regardless of the person in front of them & their behavior. If you had a relationship earlier, you would have known that if you are in good & happy current relationships, you do not carry the past in your mind. Especially when there was no real relationship as in your wife's case!

[graduate2life]

you let it go, like any mature man would, and believe your wife. Of course she can't answer what meeting this guy was because it meant nothing as nothing happened. Its really sounds like a friendship the way you wrote it.

You need to recognize its you who are putting this strange thoughts in your own head, and making nothing into something, thats really meaningless.

now you can continue to let yourself be carried away, and let this build in you, or you can get control, relax, and just believe her. Are the females of your culture not allowed to date, have male friends, or even suitors? Is she on such a high pedestal, she cannot fart without shame? Come on guy, there is much you will learn about her as time goes by, and she will learn much about you as well, and what if she finds out what an immature idiot you are, and loses respect because you are not fair, nor have any self control, compassion, or can't even give her the benefit of a doubt. what is this, your first relationship or something. Maybe its you who are not ready for a mature adult relationship, let alone marriage to a mature woman. How is this her fault?

Great answer!

[rahluraj]

Dear All
Thanks for you respone to my querry I really appreciate your views on this issue.
I understand all that you are saying is correct and idealy that's the way it should be , but my real problem is that I personelly know all this in my heart that its of no use to keep thinking about it,
But I just can't let it go off my mind
Help me in finding the way to get these things out of my heart and mind so that peace and happiness is restored in my life
I love her a lot and probebly that's the reason why I am finding it difficult to let it go
Help me overcome all this

[simoneaugie]

The best way to stop thinking about it is to stop thinking about it. Sorry that sounds a bit simplistic.

When your thoughts turn to the subject that's causing a problem, stop, and make yourself focus on something else. You may have to redirect your thoughts 50 times a day at first.

Having something positive, like something nice about her, ready to shift your focus to is a good defensive strategy. After some time has passed you will automatically quit thinking about it.

If the problem turns out to be real, deal with it when concrete evidence is there to work with. Until that happens, if it does, use your brain for positive things not obsessive thoughts.

[talaniman]

I am having a problem with understanding what's really bugging you. Why are you not happy with what you have? Why does the thought of her talking to another male before she met you bother you? Maybe your idea of pure was flawed?

What's going on now in your life, that you keep dwelling on something so far away and removed from your life? Does she work? Did you not talk to other females before her?

Help me understand this obsession That haunts you. Why are you making this such a big deal? Don't you work, and have other more important things to do?

[talaniman]

rahluraj disagrees : its not about a female talking to a male I had a co ed.and I understand that, but when she says that they were into a relationship for 1.5 yrs or may be more it's a different thing and regarding work I'm already quiet occupied with my business but this

What is a different thing, that she had a friend for so long? What the freak is your problem guy, because as a mature adult male, who is secure within himself, I don't see, or understand why your trippin over something that's not really your business. Who cares how many boyfriends she had before you? Who gives a crap how long she was with someone else? What, are you mad she was doing something before she met you? So what?

You must be a very young inexperienced, immature, insecure boy, who thinks that making a baby, and getting married makes you a man. It doesn't, and you better grow up, and get over YOURSELF, before you ruin what you have, or more likely fail to appreciate what you have.

Your man hood should not depend on if your wife sat at home, and had no male contact, and I don't give a freak about how long she had one, what possible difference can that make?

Wait, that's it, you wanted someone who waited for their true love to appear so you can be happy knowing you were her one, and only everything!! That has to be it, since your tripping on your own thoughts, and have had your pure image of your woman blown out of the water.

That's a damn shame you cannot adjust from the fantasy of your own mind, into the real world, and just deal with what you have in a mature way. Like all us real men do.

Let the BS go, just like you had to let your tricycle go, and you hoola hoop go, grow the freak up, and get over yourself my gosh, or try to get to the root of your problem, that you can't even explain properly, and at least act like a real man, not a boy who has a woman, kid, and business, but can't control his own freakin' thoughts, nor listen to those that do!

[Cat1864]

Dear All
Thanks for you respone to my querry i really appreciate your views on this issue.
i understand all that you are saying is correct and idealy thats the way it should be , but my real problem is that i personelly know all this in my heart that its of no use to keep thinking about it,
but i just can't let it go off my mind
help me in finding the way to get these things out of my heart and mind so that peace and happiness is restored in my life
i love her a lot and probebly thats the reason why i am finding it difficult to let it go
help me overcome all this

I think some of your insecurities may stem from how you began your relationship with her. I understand that arranged marriages have their own issues that a couple must overcome that a 'love' match doesn't. One of those issues is about feelings. You say that you love her. Do you believe that she loves you, too?

I think you need to seriously think about this: If you knew about her past relationship before you married, would you have married her? What would you have done differently? Would you have called her unflattering names and refused to marry her no matter what your family said?

Would you have still married her, fallen in love with her, and be expecting your (probably) first child?

When the negative thoughts come up about what 'might' have been with him, think instead of 'what is' with you. You have a home with her and are starting your own family. Don't let anything come between you and your family especially a construct of your own imagination (you are making him more important than he is.)

[graduate2life]

It seems you look at her and see her as a different person now, and not what you thought of her as earlier. Perhaps you thought she was "naive" and "you were the guy - her knight in shining armor" or something like that.. But its OK , with this new information , perhaps you will be more willing to accept her as a "partner". I would hope so. I am just hoping you will accept her revised version, and revise the position you give her in your life. Now that you know her a little more - accept her again and be happy with what you have.

[talaniman]

to be frank the problem is that I never expected this to happen and especially with we expecting our 1st baby it was totally uncalled for, before getting married she asked me weather I had any past and that was I intrested I knowing anything about her

Welcome to real life, where anything can happen, whether you like it or not. You make adjustments and move beyond it, because something else will soon take its place. That's just life. You deal with it.

I find it interesting you had a chance to have this talk before but passed, and that may have had a lot to do with your misplaced assumptions. I also think its interesting you articulate better in your ratings comments, than you do in your posts. Interesting.

[graduate2life]

Welcome to real life, where anything can happen, whether you like it or not. You make adjustments and move beyond it, because something else will soon take its place. Thats just life. You deal with it.

This is so true. Nicely put.

[rahluraj]

Hi

Its been my virtue through out my life, I always had to accept things less than what I wanted.. be it carrer or personel life. I had to work in a job which I knew was much below my skills and intelligence but I had to because the time demanded it.had issues in my family right from my childhood and being eldest always bare the brunt of it but never complained ,I had to struggle a lot to convience my family to allow me to study what I wanted, it was only in my marriage that I always expected that I will get fulfillment but I guess that's not going to happen to me ever in life when ever I am getting happiness someone has to play a spoil sport

[myagony1234]

hi

Its been my virtue through out my life, i always had to accept things less than what i wanted.. be it carrer or personel life. i had to work in a job which i knew was much below my skills and intelligence but i had to coz the time demanded it.had issues in my family right from my childhood and being eldest always bare the brunt of it but never complained ,i had to struggle a lot to convience my family to allow me to study what i wanted, it was only in my marriage that i always expected that i will get fulfillment but i guess thats not gonna happen to me ever in life when ever i am getting happiness someone has to play a spoil sport

So, are you saying you are not happy about your personal life, and have extra expectation for your wife, and that's why you are so hard on your wife?
Come on. Please be reasonable.
If you want to marry someone “snow white”, in terms, who never dated other people, then you should marry a 10 year kid.
How old were you and your wife when you married?
Will you be happier if you married someone nobody wanted to date until her age?
She dated before she met you. So, what is the problem?
LET IT GO ALREADY, and love your wife and baby, and MOSTLY yourself!!

You are creating issues from non issue, and torturing yourself and your wife for nothing. If you focus on the issue in your life, you will be always miserable. In this case, you do not even have issues!!

Nobody is perfectly happy as you think.
They have issues, but rather focus on the good stuff they have, are thankful for what they have, and live their HAPPY life.
You are ridicules in my eyes, friend. PLEASE MOVE ON!

[talaniman]

Now I get it, you're a drama queen who has to have it your way and can't forgive, or forget.

it was only in my marriage that I always expected that I will get fulfillment but I guess that's not going to happen to me ever in life when ever I am getting happiness someone has to play a spoil sport

Okay I see your problem, you got married to be fulfilled, but it is the mature man, who bring fulfillment to the marriage. You can only get what you put in.

Guess you haven't been around a lot of mature men. Just find one (who is married;)) and ask them.

[Alty]

Its been my virtue through out my life, I always had to accept things less than what I wanted.. be it carrer or personel life.

And? It happens. I wanted to be a lawyer, went through a year of law school and realized I not only couldn't afford it, but I didn't want to spend that long in school before making money. So I changed my dream, because an Insurance underwriter instead. It's called life, so suck it up!

I had to work in a job which I knew was much below my skills and intelligence but I had to because the time demanded it.

This is common among men from your culture. I've done some research on this. You think that your job defines you, that to work beneath what you believe are your skills, is demeaning. It's not. A job is just that, a job. Either you live for your career or you have a career to live. If you're not happy with your career choice then do something about it, it has nothing to do with your perceived problems in your marriage.

had issues in my family right from my childhood and being eldest always bare the brunt of it but never complained ,I had to struggle a lot to convience my family to allow me to study what I wanted,

You're complaining about it now, and I doubt it's the first time you've done so. Stop whining about the could have, should have, I wanted issues. It's in the past. Are you getting that? Either change your future or forget the past.

it was only in my marriage that I always expected that I will get fulfillment but I guess that's not going to happen to me ever in life when ever I am getting happiness someone has to play a spoil sport

Are you a man? You sound like a child. You expect your wife to do everything in her power to fulfill you? Do you know what a marriage is? Do you have any idea how to make a marriage work? She's not in your life to make you happy, she's not there to fulfill your every wish and if you think that everything should be perfect, that's not marriage. No one has a perfect marriage. No one!

You really do feel sorry for yourself and you have no reason to. You're the one that makes mountains out of mole hills. I sincerely think that you don't want to be happy, you just want to find something to moan about.

Grow up, preferably before you child is born or your wife decides that she's had enough of your childish behavior and leaves to find a real man.

Really, I'm rolling my eyes at you. You are acting less mature then my kids and they're 11 and 7 years old. :rolleyes:

[Cat1864]

hi

Its been my virtue through out my life, i always had to accept things less than what i wanted.. be it carrer or personel life. i had to work in a job which i knew was much below my skills and intelligence but i had to coz the time demanded it.had issues in my family right from my childhood and being eldest always bare the brunt of it but never complained ,i had to struggle a lot to convience my family to allow me to study what i wanted, it was only in my marriage that i always expected that i will get fulfillment but i guess thats not gonna happen to me ever in life when ever i am getting happiness someone has to play a spoil sport

This is going to get harsh:

From the tone of this post, I am concerned about how you will be with your child. You seem to see yourself in competition with the world. From childhood through getting a job, you appear to think you have 'lost' to everyone or everything else. Your wife was supposed to a trophy. A new toy that no one else had even looked at. She isn't an object. She is human and has feelings and a life-before, with, and, maybe (no one can tell the future), after you.

She is expecting a child that you seem to keep forgetting. Or are you? Are you trying to ignore the existence of the baby that is already beginning to take your wife 'away' from you? How are you planning to compete with the baby when it is born? It will need the attention and affection that you appear to think of as only yours. Will you be able to accept that your wife will need to give more of herself to this little person for awhile? How do you plan to punish your wife for taking care of your child? If you think I am being harsh, good. You are punishing your wife right now for something in the past that YOU by your own words didn't want to know about before marriage. Look at what you are doing to yourself and your wife. Try not to extend your negative feelings to your child.

[talaniman]

Sooner or later you will have to cope with your"hurt" feelings in a more positive way, to the benefit of your FAMILY, or pay the consequences of not doing so.

Your course of action as it is, is to alienate your wife further, and that's not the point of marriage. Working together is. She needs a man who leads, which she can willingly follow, not a sulker, who spreads blame and negativity.

Welcome to the real world, where you will have many obstacles to happiness, so you better decide HOW you deal with what life throws at you, because you will never be happy unless you do.

[graduate2life]

I feel your misery. You take so many days to write, and suffer in the intervening period.. and in the end you come up with more details about your confusion. Keep doing that; at least that way you will continue to analyze yourself (here with help of other's inputs) and get to your true motive and persistent behavioral patterns. Everyone may appear harsh, but that's what feedback is going to be about, and it will shape you for the better.

Besides this, I can understand it's a funny and distant idea for you that we are all truly responsible for our emotions and happiness. Nevertheless, if you continue to rest them on others you will always feel miserable. They may love you for who you are, but its not humanly possible to cater to such out of proportions demands in any kind of relationship. You are better off not making such demands. You will find that you will be happier by lowering your expectations and will be appreciated for it as well.

Also read this:
"PLAYING THE VICTIM... when people blame others for their misfortune and feel victimized by bad luck.

So what explains those men and women who repeatedly pursue a path that leads to pain and disappointment? Perhaps there is a hidden psychological reward.

I got a glimpse of it once from another patient, a woman in her early 60s who complained about her ungrateful children and neglectful friends. As she spoke, it was clear she felt that all the major figures in her life had done her wrong. In fact, her status as an injured party afforded her a psychological advantage: she felt morally superior to everyone she felt had mistreated her. This was a role she had no intention of giving up."
SOURCE: NYTIMES

Altenweg agrees : I'm going to check out that article, sound just like our OP.

RE: Yes! I happened to check nytimes just after commenting here. And when I saw this article I too was like oh this sounds like our friend on AMHD! So many theories out there, don't know what explains certain type of thinking. But if OP can see we all concur in our views of his situation, he can perhaps look deeper and admit, and then make amends!

[rahluraj]

Thanks to all for your comments!

[Arumuga perumal]

Dear Brother,

Good day !

If u want to stay with the past you will loose your present love. Trust her and go for better living. Prove yourself that your love is true then All is Well.if you don't believe your wife then you are the looser if she loves you so much.

On the other hand you don't want to hide make sure your heart is strong. Speak with open heart what you dislikes! Girls don't like to interfere which was happened in past So be calm,never get angry at any circumstances. Wait for her reply if she don't want to share then leave it may be good for both relations and future.

I believe your future will be good.

Warm Regards
T.Ananth