[tornbetween]

Let's see if I can make a long story short. 12 years ago, I was in a terrible marriage of 16 years. A husband that had numerous affairs. I tried to stay in this marriage for my kids at that time were ages 8 and 9. I had a very close friend who had a child the same age of mine. Kids were actually friends. Due to the situations at home, I spent a lot of time with this friend and spent endless hours with her and her family. An attraction between her husband and I began and eventually ended up in a 4 month affair. I know this is wrong and all of you are going to judge me on this.

I realize this situation is ruthless, but things happen. This man was wonderful to me, to this day I am grateful to him for the reason I feel that he saved my life. He showed me that I didn't need to be treated as I was by my husband. My husband was not only a cheater, he put me in compromising positions with other males/females to help feed his sexual desires.

4 months into this affair, I wanted to continue but this man I was involved with felt what he was doing was wrong and we ended our relationship due to the fact that the kids were so young and he felt that it was more important for him to be a father than for him to be happy with me.

I need to express that our relationship was out in the open. The kids knew, which ended their friendship and to this day there are hard feelings between kids. His kid turned into bullying mine, which basically I am just learning about now 12 years later.

Time went on and we saw each other by coincidence from time to time. For the last 7 years we never saw each other, I got remarried unfortunately that didn't work and I recently filed divorced papers on 2 months ago.

3 months ago I ran into this man from my past, please understand that I NEVER got over him. I moved on with my life, but I always wished that it was with him. I NEVER stopped loving him. I just came to terms that it just was never going to happen. I ran into him unexpectedly, we started talking. He was still living with his wife that had filed legal separation papers 4 years ago, because she said he never got over me. He was miserable and was going forward with a divorce. To shorten the story... even though it's hard to... he and I continued to talk, both filed divorce papers, now in a relationship together for the past month or so... my kids now 20 and 21 won't accept the idea. I am continuously fighting with my kids... they won't even consider forgiving the past.

I tell them that we can forgive, but not forget and that's fine. He is a very kind man, loves me dearly and wants to be friends with them. I ask my kids why they hate him and neither one can tell me why. They were put in a bad situation many years ago that they just cannot forget. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I have had an awesome relationship with my kids in the past and just felt that if I was happy they would be happy for me. I neglected to mention that many years ago his wife, put a restraining order on me - which lead me to tell my kids that they had to stay away from these people and his kids were told the same.

Being that our kids are grown up now, we thought this would be easier - but it's not - it's a huge mess. I don't want to give this relationship up. I know that if I did, it would hurt him so badly that I would never have another chance. I love this man so very much. I love my kids and have always put them first and to be honest, I am very upset with them because I feel that they are being very selfish. I told them I wanted to know their position and soon. I want to know if they are willing to just deal with the situation because it's what I want and he makes me very happy.

To be honest, I am hoping that their true love comes through and they will say they will try. But... I am also afraid that they will say that they can't be a part of this and that will force me to choose. From the very start, I refused to choose, but I am so tired of arguing I don't know what to do. It takes time away from my job to where I fight via phone/text messages and brings me to tears and lack of concentration.

This is such a unique situation, that probably no one can compare - but I would appreciate any words of wisdom you can give. What should I do?

[talaniman]

You two aren't even divorced from your mates, yet you want everyone to accept a siuation that has torn them apart. That's selfish. It may take years to get over and heal from such dyfunction and misfortune, so I suggest you keep everyone out of your business, and not expect them to bless what you are doing.

Unfair for you to force this on them. Sorry, I doubt you get what you want, so be happy with what you get.

[Homegirl 50]

You guys still are not divorced, yet you want your kids to jump back in to the same mess with you.
When you both have ended your marriages and you want to have a life together, do it, but don't expect harmony.

[Matteus]

I tried to stay in this marriage for my kids at that time were ages 8 and 9.I realize this situation is ruthless, but things happen. An attraction between her husband and I began and eventually ended up in a 4 month affair. This man was wonderful to me, to this day I am grateful to him for the reason I feel that he saved my life.

Its no good from trying to justify your actions, you better stop it.

He showed me that I didn't need to be treated as I was by my husband.

You are trying to find a reason to hate your husband. Well, I can say you probably think it wasn't your fault at all, for him acting the way he did. Probably it wasn't. But you better stop trying to find the source of your happiness in other people, and try to learn to put a finger in your own plague, and see if it hurts, meaning, try to blame yourself, I'm sure you can find something to blame yourself.

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OK, it seems like you are not actually worried about your kids, don't get me wrong, but you want approval and you want the cake and eat it too. You can't hold two watermelons under your armpit. One of them is going to fall.

I need to express that our relationship was out in the open. The kids knew, which ended their friendship and to this day there are hard feelings between kids. His kid turned into bullying mine, which basically I am just learning about now 12 years later.

You definitely should stop acting selfish(!) for the sake of your children.

I got remarried unfortunately that didn't work and I recently filed divorced papers on 2 months ago.

Learn to make better choices, and not only for yourself.

my kids now 20 and 21 won't accept the idea. I am continuously fighting with my kids... they won't even consider forgiving the past.

They don't need drama in their lives. They will never accept that idea. It brings them bad memories, and you were acting exactly like their father, toward this other man. You definitely ruined another family.

I don't want to give this relationship up... I love my kids and have always put them first and to be honest, I am very upset with them because I feel that they are being very selfish.

Im not sure who is being selfish. I actually don't think you are thinking clearly. You just say you put your kids first, and than again, you can't let go something they are not capable to accept. You want the cake and eat it to. Sounds cliché, but sounds real!

And to finish it:

he felt that it was more important for him to be a father than for him to be happy with me.

You should do the same thing. And think before unzipping.

[Irene1985]

Hi there,

I have just come from your children's position and it's not a nice place... My mum and her partner have been together for 15 years and us being her children are just starting to accept and realise that this is making her happy now. My best advice from my perspective now is to just ignore everyone and just be in your relationship with your new partner. He makes you happy right? Your children are adults now so they need to start making adult decisions. It's about time that you start looking after your own happiness. I know it's going to be hard but stop trying to convince them on how perfect he really is. It's called tough love and as a parent this is the card you need to play. You and your new hubby sit both of them down and speak to them like adults. Tell them this is what you both want and listen to what they want. But remember you are the mother in the situation so still hold onto and play this roll. This is the card that my mother herself has just started using and we appreciated that she gave us a say in the matter. If they don't response to what you want then just leave them. They need to come to the conclusion that you are happy and you can't force the idea no matter how long it takes it could be months or years but you need to leave them with the decision and let them see how happy you are. Don't compromise your hapiness for your children because they aren't children anymore. I know you are a mum and your always going to be but please be strong and play this card. You will find that it will work out for the better at the end of the day. And two more things don't let your kids communication effect your relationship with your partner do things with him make him feel included but don't let negative vibes into your relationship or else you will end up losing him and who cares what happened in the past sure you put a few scars here and there but that's in the past everyone does it, you have to look towards the future because only the future will give you answers
I hope this helps :)
Irene