Check out some similar questions!

natters4 · Sep 4, 2012, 02:33 AM

Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and it has been the most volitile relationship I have ever been in. I know I am already addressing the issue by calling it volitile, but it is like a real up and down rollercoaster. However, my feelings for him are so intense I just cannot find the strength to walk away.

Within our time together he has split up with me at least 10 times - seriously. Each time I believe it is over and get hysterical. Deep down we both know I haven't done anything to warrant this from him, however he always makes me truly believe it is all my fault and I have failed him. When I stop the constant texts and make plans to go out with friends he comes back to me and woos me all over again with meals out and lots of attention.

Personality: He is the most well known guy in town and has a lot of people around him. He is a big drinker and socialite, and very popular. I am very career driven and went to university and he says he likes this about me - however I think it makes him insecure and a little jealous.

I love the guy to pieces even though he has manipulated me to the point of desperation for him. I just want everything to be normal all the time. He has currently split with me again and my grandad has just had a heart attack. He said it is all my fault because I am a jealous nasty person. I am going through therapy and am on medication for anxiety.

I know all the responses are going to tell me to get out of it like all my friends and family tell me, however I really don't want to. I'm addicted to it.

Help me :(

joypulv · Sep 4, 2012, 02:54 AM

No, save the word 'addiction' for physiological dependence, not relationships. You are limiting your ability to escape just by that use of the word. And ditch phrases like 'total control over my emotions' for the same reason.

He may be like a lot of people who have learned at an early age to equate fighting with love, who think intense 'feeling' is required in love, so they break up or just fight a lot. We all know about make up sex. This is just carrying that to the next level. They aren't capable of enjoying comfortable love that comes with time and shared experiences.

So the question is, what is going on with you that you won't let go of him? He is smart enough to tell you things are all your fault, because apparently you believe it. You put that in the same breath as saying your grandfather had a heart attack, as though that's your fault too. Only you can work on what it is about you that falls for this. Go to therapy and say 'I have to find out why I am attracted to a man who keeps me infatuated by making me believe that everything is my fault, and who knows that by breaking up with me over and over, and blaming me for that too, I will keep the attraction going.'
And don't waste the session talking about HIM. What is it about you that developed before you even met him.

natters4 · Sep 4, 2012, 04:18 AM

Thanks for the response, it is very insightful.

What I don't understand is how he can risk actually losing me each time he breaks up with me?

Also, he is still in contact, be it short and harsh responses to texts - but then sometimes ignores me. What is his problem?

joypulv · Sep 4, 2012, 04:52 AM

He knows that any relationship is a risk, and he knows that his risk with you is minimal - you have proven it time and time again. He might even enjoy the risk, the thrill of wooing you back. In fact I'd put money on it. As for variations in contact, that's all part of the manipulation, of being unpredictable. Harsh texts hurt. Ignoring you makes you panic that he's gone.
I'm not sure you are getting any of this. And you keep concentrating on him instead of yourself. You want to know what his 'problem' is - he doesn't have any (other than the deep seated childhood kind that led to this type of behavior). How can he have a problem if he is getting what he wants? He knows how to string you along, keep it the way he wants, and get you back whenever he wants.

Again, this isn't about him!! Tell us what it is about you that goes for this?

J9M9K · Sep 4, 2012, 04:56 AM

Originally Posted by natters4

Thanks for the response, it is very insightful.

What I don't understand is how he can risk actually losing me each time he breaks up with me?

Also, he is still in contact, be it short and harsh responses to texts - but then sometimes ignores me. What is his problem?

** he RISKS losing you each time because he really doesn't care if he loses you or not, or he wouldn't treat you that way :) - people that love you don't treat you badly. You NEED to move on and find someone who appreciates you. If you don't, you are going to really regret this a few years down the road. Good Luck!

natters4 · Sep 4, 2012, 05:57 AM

Thanks guys, I guess it's just hard to walk away from something when you don't want to.

I guess I am insecure and feel like I will never meet anyone else. I am scared to be on my own as I would be lonely.

Wondergirl · Sep 4, 2012, 06:36 AM

Originally Posted by natters4

I am scared to be on my own as I would be lonely.

Where does that come from? Have you ever been left high and dry in the past?

joypulv · Sep 4, 2012, 07:27 AM

Being alone is a good and strengthening exercise in learning about yourself.
It doesn't have to be lonely - that's a self inflicted attitude of misery at being alone.
I happen to think it is a necessity so that you don't jump into love relationships, or stay in bad one, just out of fear of being lonely.