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suddenImpact · Feb 23, 2007, 12:27 PM

Hi,
My girlfriend and I have had a great sex life for the three years we've been dating. She always wanted it at least 1-2 times a day, we would always watch porn together, everything was great! If anyone ever turned it down, it was me. Well she has recently became pregnant and now she says she has no sex drive, now I'm lucky if I can get it once every other week.

One of the hardest parts about this, is she says she don't want me to masturbate at all, and I'm no longer allowed to look at porn. She says that if I do either of those, it makes her feel like she's not good enough. I tried to explain to her that its kind of hard to go from having sex ALL THE TIME to lucky if I can get it twice a month, but she don't seem to care. I almost feel like I'm back in school, and have to hide somewhere to pleasure myself a little.

Any advise would be appreciated.

Synnen · Feb 23, 2007, 12:45 PM

She's pregnant, and you expect RATIONAL?

Sorry, honey... she's not going to be.

Maybe you could compromise and while she doesn't want to have sex, she could be there when you masturbate? So that she knows that it's HER you're thinking of?

suddenImpact · Feb 23, 2007, 12:54 PM

She don't want to be there, or for me to do it at all. She has told me point blank, that she sees no reason I can't wait for her to be in the mood.

I'm not expecting her to want it all the time still... just not to mind if I'm going to at least pleasure myself

Synnen · Feb 23, 2007, 01:05 PM

I agree with you that she's being completely irrational.

Unfortunately, every bit of advice that I might have won't work, because she's not looking at it rationally.

Is there a third party you can bring into it, like a pastor or priest, that might mediate between the two of you?

suddenImpact · Feb 23, 2007, 01:12 PM

No, unfortunately there is no one. She talks to a friend of hers about it, but her friend completely agrees with her. Her friend is pretty much the only one she will take advice from other than me. Since her friend is on her side, that means what I say pretty much don't matter.

She has asked me one time if I had masturbated at all, and I'm not going to lie about it, so I told her yes, she got mad at me, and we argued about it for two days.

smoothy · Feb 23, 2007, 01:16 PM

I know I posted an answer but its not showing...

She's pregnant, so she's got all sorts of Homronal changes making her act weird... however expecting you to abstain even from masturbation since SHE isn't feeling horny isn't right in my mind. That said if she isn't feeling like it, that's fine... but no reason to demand you not vist Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters when you need release. It would be wrong to expect her to put out when she doesn't want to on the other hand.

JoeCanada76 · Feb 23, 2007, 01:17 PM

If you masterbate, do not tell her. Do not let masturbation become an addiction either.

She is completely irrational and you need to expect that during pregnancy. For my wife and I personally as soon as we found out she was pregnant it all stopped. ALL OF IT. THE WHOLE 9 MONTHS BUDDY.

It might have been hard but both of us realize it was safer not to for my wife and during her pregnancy because of health reasons.

To demand for you never to masterbate is a sin.

Oh, and even though she says that to you. I want to here and now bet a million bucks that she has masterbated and have not told you about it.

Joe

suddenImpact · Feb 23, 2007, 01:19 PM

I completely agree, I told her if she don't want it, I don't want to make her. As it is, the rare days she does actually say "lets have sex" its like she's just lying there off in her own little world. I've heard her tell her friend that she only does it as often as she does because she feels bad for me.

To Jesushelper - I do, do it without telling her, but I'm not a liar. If she asks me again, I'm going to tell her the truth. I guess I was just more hoping for someone to help with a good argument to her to make her understand that all guys do it, and that there is nothing wrong with it. I still love her just as much as I always have (I wish just saying that would be enough)

smoothy · Feb 23, 2007, 01:28 PM

A guy (a normal one anyway) is going to masturbate if a willing woman isn't present. Whatever you do don't tell her at least you aren't sleeping around because you don't need THAT thought bouncing around in her cranium for 9 months. Just tell her you NEED to get off and if she isn't feeling up to it then you understand and need to do it yourself. But don't be sarcastic when you say it.

Synnen · Feb 23, 2007, 01:30 PM

Oh, I agree with you.

I've been in her shoes, though, and I understand where she's coming from. She feels fat, ugly, icky, and unattractive. No matter what you tell her, she's probably not going to feel any different. Plus, at least with MY pregnancy, everything internalized. I was never in the mood either. My whole body just kind of turned any sexual urges off.

To expect the same from you, though, is completely unfair. YOU don't have hormones whacking up your system making it pretty easy to forget about sex. And, if you're like the guys I've known in love with their pregnant wives... the changes in her body are actually VERY attractive to you.

No argument is going to work unless you can get her to understand that you can't just turn off sexual urges. MAYBE you can get her to understand that SHE still turns you on, and it's driving you crazy that she doesn't have the sex drive she used to. You don't want to force yourself on her, or make her feel obliged, but you need some sort of relief.

Could you go along for doctor's visits and bring up the concern of lack of sex drive there?

suddenImpact · Feb 23, 2007, 01:34 PM

I am going to go to her doctor visits, I have asked her if we should talk to the doctor about it. She got mad about that too though, telling me that its completely normal for women to lose their sex drive and there is nothing the doctor can do about it.

smoothy · Feb 23, 2007, 01:39 PM

Well I think this issue DOES need to be mentioned to a doctor. She might have some other stuff going on that might be a precursor to other issues afterwards. Let a trained professional decide what's normal and what's not.

suddenImpact · Feb 23, 2007, 01:43 PM

Should I just take the chance of getting her mad at me again, and bring it up anyway when we go to the doctor?

Squiffy · Feb 23, 2007, 01:46 PM

She is pregnant, her body is one blob of emotional hormonal mess. She is being unreasonable, if you want to masturbate its your body, she shouldn't be telleing you that you cant. However, she won't see it like that. Just bear in mind its nine months out of forever, it may be a hard nine months, but just see how it goes. And masturbate when she isn't around!

smoothy · Feb 23, 2007, 01:48 PM

Either that or you will start to resent her... Risk ticking her off now or start to hate her for what she's demanding of you.

I'd keep a close eye on her for post partum depression afterwards. She may have a chemical imbalance that needs treated due to the pregnancy. I've seen it in my sister-in-law. Let a doctor tell you both that she's fine or not. Better to know she is than find out too late she isn't.

chriso123 · Feb 26, 2007, 06:22 PM

For crying out loud, you aren't a liar? But what should it matter that you are masterbating. Just don't tell her, you don't need the hassle and you will feel better. Jeez I just don't get it. She isn't going to find out! As said she isn't being rational so why should you have not masterbate because she says so... what will she do if you do? My bets are nothing but shout at you.

Gah. Just do it.

ghost56 · Feb 27, 2007, 07:51 AM

I agree with the others. Synnen gave a good answer, but if she will not accept a compromise, then you will just have to relieve yourself when she isn't there. Hormones do weird things to women in pregnancy, but for her to disagree with you pleasuring yourself is wrong, she should understand you need to relieve the sexual tension. Would she rather you went out and found someone else, I don't think so. She should understand that you still have sexual needs whether she is pregnant or not.

Synnen · Feb 27, 2007, 08:11 AM

The problem is that SHE doesn't have any sexual needs right now. None. Zero. Nada. Zip. Her body is telling her "hey! That sex thing did the trick, we're pregnant, you shouldn't need to do that anymore, no matter how much you liked it, so...we'll just shut down the factory in here that makes the testosterone that gives you sex drive, okay?"

Since SHE doesn't have any sexual needs, she doesn't understand (and remember: She's pregnant! She's got a whole bunch of irrational stuff going on right now) why HE still has them. They're pregnant, aren't they? The OTHER irrational thing going through her mind is probably "*I* am not comfortable in my body right now.....why should HE get to be comfortable? LET THE SEXUAL TENSION BUILD! LET HIM SUFFER TOO!"

I didn't say it wasn't crazy... it is! It's totally insane!

She's probably somewhat embarrassed by it, which is why she doesn't want to talk to her doctor, but that's probably the only way it might be resolved.

pricej · Feb 27, 2007, 08:59 AM

I agree with Synnen! When you are pregnant, your body is not your own anymore. It is a very uncomfortable feeling, and hormones are going crazy. She is NOT going to be rational, just deal with it. And by the way, it will probably take about 6 months or more after having the baby before she finally starts feeling like herself again. Don't expect things to jump back to normal right after she has the baby! It takes a while for a woman to feel like a woman again after her body has been taken over for so long. Be patient with her. Tell her what she WANTS to here. And in the meantime, take care of your business while in the shower. What she does not know will not hurt her!