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shoequeen89 · Jun 21, 2011, 12:12 PM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months now and he still asks me questions about my past which has not been any worse than his own. When we first started dating he always asked me very specific questions about my ex-boyfriends and what we did together. So specific that I couldn't even remember if I had done it or not. For example, last night he asked me if any of my ex-boyfriends *** shot like his. I answered "No" and he replied "Really?" then I replied "I don't know." He got all upset and said when we first started dating I said something different. I am so tired of him asking me about my past relationships because one I don't want to think about them and two why should questions like that matter at all. Right now he is so upset with me and calling me a liar... I don't know what to tell him, but I don't feel like I should apologize either?

spitvenom · Jun 21, 2011, 12:21 PM

Tell him those relationships are over. If he wants to dwell on them he can do it by his self cause this relationship will be over.

shoequeen89 · Jun 21, 2011, 12:24 PM

Is it bad that I don't remember the specific questions he is asking or is it normal for him to be asking them. Somehow he knew about some of my past relationships before I even told him because our friends are the same?

JudyKayTee · Jun 21, 2011, 12:34 PM

It's bad if it upsets you. It's bad if he's dwelling on the relationships and what they entailed. It's bad if the questions and answers make either one of you insecure in THIS relationship.

How old are the two of you? He seems either very young, very immature or very unsure of himself.

What would I do? I'd tell him sex isn't a competition and I'm done being cross examined.

shoequeen89 · Jun 21, 2011, 12:43 PM

I'm 21 and he is 29

spitvenom · Jun 21, 2011, 12:46 PM

No it's not bad that you don't remember. I can't remember everything about every relationship I have had. Hell I don't even remember what the first girl I ever slept with looks like.

Cat1864 · Jun 21, 2011, 01:14 PM

His immaturity and insecurity are showing. It is none of his business what you did and how before you met him. If he can't handle not knowing, then get him out of your life. You deserve someone who is in a relationship with you not your history.

It seems he is intent on competing with ghosts and keeping them present in your relationship. That is his problem. Do not allow him to make it yours. If he wants to have a relationship with ghosts of past relationships then give him another one to play with by packing up and leaving.

Quite frankly, I would be concerned that he was comparing me with everyone in his past if he was comparing himself to everyone in mine.

As for not remembering, of course you don't remember every little detail. Why would you?

Why should you apologize for him not knowing how to behave. You haven't lied to him. At least not in what you have told us. He owes you an apology for putting you through the wringer.

Okay, maybe you owe yourself an apology for putting up with him for so long. Make amends to yourself by putting him and his questions in their proper places. You can decide where his proper place is after you tell him to mind his own business and see how he reacts.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

liongal · Jun 21, 2011, 01:24 PM

Agree with Cat1864, he is competing with your ex's and wants some HEFTY ego stroking... In the long run, Im sure this will start to really affect your relationship. I would suggest you give he a dose of his own medicine, but somehow I doubt that will get him to see how sad it is.

JudyKayTee · Jun 21, 2011, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by liongal

Agree with Cat1864, he is competing with your ex's and wants some HEFTY ego stroking... In the long run, Im sure this will start to really affect your relationship. I would suggest you give he a dose of his own medicine, but somehow I doubt that will get him to see how sad it is.

I think this would amount to game playing - I wouldn't feed into his insecurity.

Without knowing "him," of course, it's hard to be 100%.

I just don't like any type of games in a relationship.

amicon · Jun 22, 2011, 02:49 AM

He's controlling and manipulative-is that really what you want?

Your past is why o you are past and not his business.

I'd show him the door.

Jake2008 · Jun 22, 2011, 04:56 AM

Relationships are built on trust.

At his age, for him to question your sexual past, while he has one of his own, as far as comparing himself to your past boyfriends, does not sound like he is very mature.

It also sounds like he is very insecure as the others have said, with his own sexual prowess, or performance in the sack. His anger toward you is misplaced. You had nothing to do with his lack of whatever it is he thinks he has, or has to live up to. The insecurity comes when he feels that he doesn't live up to your other encounters.

But that is only one side of the coin. That he blames YOU, and calls you a liar over these discussions the two of you have about YOUR past, is also troubling, because my guess is, it won't stop at the bedroom. He will question your work mates (male), your activities without him, your friends. Because he is the type of person he is, the next thing you know it will be going through your cell phone, or hacking into your email, or going through your Facebook with a fine toothed comb.

8 months is a long time to be interrogated over your past sex life. That he doesn't see that he has a problem, is a big red flag.

Until you know more about this man's character, I would advise you to stop providing him with opportunities to use you as a springboard to vent his own insecurities.

Stop the sex, until you are more comfortable with him, as a person. Don't let him drag you into his dark little world, and get your thinking back on track. His problems have nothing to do with you.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 22, 2011, 02:22 PM

That is a great post Jake2008.

This guy sounds like someone with control and anger issues and I would not be surprised if it does not escalate.
I think you need to leave him alone.
A relationship should not be full of that much stress. This seems loaded with red flags

liongal · Jun 23, 2011, 02:45 AM

I agree JKT, it is game playing but some pple only learn this way... I don't like it either, but have resulted to dishing out the same treatment to make it clear how it feels to receive it.

chella1979 · Jul 11, 2012, 03:43 AM

My boyfriend is the same, I have always lived in the same area and had the same circle of friends as him so some of my exs he knows. Anytime we bump into them or are mentioned in conversation we have to go through the same thing. He said I should be empathetic as he is putting up with a lot! And I say it doesn't have anything to do with him.
We love each other and apart from this popping up now and again we are perfect together, and plan to spend our lives together. But I always worry about his reaction if it pops up. How can I stop this?