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cincyboy55 · Jul 6, 2010, 06:34 AM

So my girlfriend and I had been together for the better part of 8 months. Things had their rocky spots at times, all normal relationships do. We both go to the same university, and once the summer hit, we haven't seen each other as I would like to. We would only talk via phone and things started feeling distant. Last weekend she asked to go on a break because she felt our connection slipping and wanted to slow things down. I was reluctant, but I said yes. I didn't talk to her for the whole weekend, and I finally do last night and she says that she wants to find herself again and doesn't know if she is ready for a serious relationship. I know she hasn't cheated on me, she isn't the type of person to look elsewhere in a relationship. Also before we went on this break, she told me she wanted to work things out but now she has a change of heart. Also last night when we talked, she told me she still wants to see me and I just don't think that's right. It confuses me because I feel like she wants a safety net and I don't want to be a safety net. I just want to be with her, no questions asked. She's 19 and I'm 21 and she told me there was a boy in her past that hurt her very bad, but I tell her all the time not to let one mistake ruin it forever one else, and she had dated the wrong person then. She's not a very emotional person and I can be, so it makes it hard in that respect as well. Ill admit I wasn't the best boyfriend, but I am willing to change for myself to be a better person period and in turn make me a better boyfriend and I want her to see that.

My questions are:
1. what should I do about giving her space?
2. should I continue to see her while we are on this break?
3. do you have any advice to get back with her?

redhed35 · Jul 6, 2010, 07:06 AM

To answer your first question,give her all the space she can handle,she has made a decision to end the relationship,I'm afraid once someone has made that a firm decision in their head,there's no going back.

Question 2. no,do not continue seeing her while on the break,it's a BREAKUP!
Do yourself a favour and disappear from her life,keep working on yourself,start no contact,and stick to it.

Question 3. you can't make someone want you or love you,trying to convince her will only make you feel like crap and leave yourself respect and dignity in the dirt,it won't work,it never works,don't even try.

No contact is the most quick and fastest way to recover from a broken relationship,its hard,but its been tried and tested and its guaranteed to work if you stick with it.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 6, 2010, 07:51 AM

A "break"... is a breakup. No way of getting around it. I know what you're thinking... you're thinking, "Maybe if I did THIS differently...or if I do THIS, she'll come around."

... Nope. She won't come around to anything. Her mind's made up. You calling/texting/seeing her won't change anything... if anything, it'll drive her away. She wants space, give it to her. Don't try to show up somewhere where you know she'll be so you'll "accidentally" run into her... don't call her from an unknown number and hang up the minute she picks up... don't get jealous... don't do anything.

Take this time to figure out a hobby, hang out with your friends, and just do you for the time being. If she misses you, she'll come back.

cincyboy55 · Jul 6, 2010, 09:17 AM

Here's some things I left out after re-reading... she doesn't want to lose me in her life.. she acts like she wants me but she doesn't at the same time.. and she wants to take me out for a dinner this weekend. Should I let her see how things could be different then?

ISneezeFunny · Jul 6, 2010, 09:29 AM

The "not wanting to lose you in her life" is the whole "trying to have her cake and eat it too" thing. She wants you in her life, but she doesn't want you to be THAT seriously in her life.

A majority of the times, there's usually another guy involved. I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but it's just the way things are. However, the best thing you can do right now is to look out for yourself. I know you want to be there for her, and you want to take care of her, but this going back and forth is hurting you. Think about it logically, make your choices based on reason and not emotion, and you'll see what you should do.

redhed35 · Jul 6, 2010, 10:18 AM

Originally Posted by cincyboy55

Here's some things i left out after re-reading...she doesnt want to lose me in her life..she acts like she wants me but she doesnt at the same time..and she wants to take me out for a dinner this weekend. should i let her see how things could be different then?

She's not really thinking about YOUR feelings in all this,only that SHE wants to keep you in her life.

She knows you still want her,she knows she does not want you,its cruel to want you to hang around to stroke her ego.

Is that how much yourself respect is worth?

The price of a dinner!

Yes,things will be different after the dinner,you will feel worse then you already do.

Is a long drawn out break up really what you want,or what she wants.

Make the break clean,and you will heal faster,make it jagged and rough,get the wound dirty,and it will take far longer to recover.

positiveparent · Jul 6, 2010, 11:59 AM

Seems she's dangling you and keeping you in reserve just in case, let her go, don't get used like that, you are worth much more, walk away, and put this behind you, take your life back.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 6, 2010, 12:07 PM

She wants space, give it to her.
It does not mean you get to decide how much space to give her or how to invade the space you give her.
Giving her space means leaving her alone. Don't call, don't text, don't go out to dinner. Tell her "dinner is not a good idea"

talaniman · Jul 6, 2010, 12:52 PM

You have been dumped as a romantic partner and demoted into the friends zone so she has the options of having you around when she needs you while you are chasing her still to prove you are worthy of a title with her..

You are correct in your thinking that its not right to be her emotional tampon, for her own entertainment when she is bored.

She asks for space, give it to her and do your own thing, and keep your emotional distance, by being unavailable for what she needs.

cincyboy55 · Jul 6, 2010, 01:33 PM

Do I have any hope with her? I had big plans involving this girl and I'm a wreck now. She thinks this break will be good, one of her friends went through the same thing and her and her boyfriend are better than ever

redhed35 · Jul 6, 2010, 01:41 PM

Originally Posted by cincyboy55

do i have any hope with her? i had big plans involving this girl and im a wreck now. she thinks this break will be good, one of her friends went through the same thing and her and her boyfriend are better than ever

You and her are not them... you both communicate in a different way and most likely they have a completely different set of circumstances,unless your both clones of them, the same outcome is certainly not guaranteed.

What works for one couple,does not mean it will work for you.

Holding on to the cracks in your relationship won't fix it,you can't fix it on your own,no matter how much you want to.

I understand that excepting that it is over is hard,I understand that your hurting and grasping at straws,but it is over,the sooner you can come to terms with that,the sooner you will start to feel a whole lot better.

As suggested reading,you could try the stickies in the relationship forum.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 6, 2010, 01:49 PM

Also last night when we talked, she told me she still wants to see me and i just don't think that's right. it confuses me because i feel like she wants a safety net and i dont want to be a safety net. I just want to be with her, no questions asked.

Does this even make sense to you? Sounds like desperation.
Give her space, leave her alone. Go about your life as if you are not taken. The chips will fall where they may.