[Hoppus101]

I am in my first ever real gay relationship, and we have been happily together now for around 6 months or so. We have been very happy together, the sex is great, and we love each other very much - often talking about spending the rest of our lives together etc.

When we first started the relationship it was made clear that it would be a challenge for both of us to be monogamous, as neither of us were used to it, but we were going to do it, no matter what. My partner was more adamant about this than me, as when I suggested trying an open relationship, he did not see it as an option.

Unfortunately, we only get to see each other at weekends, and I strayed and have had a number of encounters with other men without him knowing during the week. I then had my suspicions recently that my partner had been doing the same thing, just through a few little changes in behaviour and some things that were brought up in conversation. I then did something which I now really regret (and plead with anyone out there never to do if they are considering it), and I logged into his email account (I guessed his password), and saw that he is and has been meeting up with men for casual encounters, much like myself. I have tried to bring up in conversation little hints to see if he will mention anything, but he always denies anything saying that I am the only person he wants to be with, which I now know is a lie.

Through my own fault, I have now gotten myself into an awful situation. Do I confront him about him cheating by telling him I betrayed his trust and read his emails, and keep quiet that I had been doing the same thing? Do I just sit him down and have a chat telling him that I had been cheating and asking him if he has been doing the same thing? Do I talk it through with him and talk about the possibility of an open relationship as we are obviously not very good at monogamy, no matter how hard we try? Or do I just keep quiet about everything? I hate to think of him being with another man, but I know that I have absolutely no right to be angry at him for doing so, as I am just as bad as he is, probably worse.

Before I get any responses, I know how awful I have been by cheating, reading his emails etc, so just saying how terrible I've been won't help - as I say, this is my first gay relationship and I am still learning a hell of a lot about relationships, what I want from one, and now I know exactly what not to do when I suspect someone is cheating on me!

Thanks for any help in advance - I am really struggling here :(

[MicheleMM]

This may help:

Marriage is Not Easy - it Takes Work! - Associated Content

Better Yet:

How to Love Someone You Hate | eHow.com

[liz28]

If the two of you are cheating on each other than maybe your should call it quits until the two of you know how to be faithful. There is no reason to be with one another if your are going cheat because it only causes drama and pain.

If the two of you are lying nor trust one another why be together? And it doesn't matter if this is your first gay relationship because have you or have you not been in a relationship before?

[Ren6]

I'd come clean and tell him the truth, including that you looked at his e-mails and that you've both been doing the same thing. This conversation can be the gateway for the next conversation about open relationships. There's no reason now why he'd reject the idea. Good luck and be safe.

[BMI]

The relationship is obviously broken and I really don't see this becoming a long lasting meaningful relationship.

I do not think you should bring it up in any of the ways you suggested, especially alluding to the cheating thing yet not coming clean with how you know. It's wrong to seek answers and bring up the conversation when you already know the situation but your partner has no clue you were spying on him.

I'd break this off if it an emotionally attached relationship. If it's just for fun than if you can deal with it than whatever. To be quite honest, neither of you have shown much respect to the other and so if it is more than fun you both need a lot of work.

[kanicky73]

I don't see why you wouldn't just tell him that you have been straying. He will probably most definetely admit then that he has been as well. Its funny how when someone knows the other was just as bad as themselves they have no problem of admitting. The fact that you already know the answer to whether he has been faithful or not kind of takes away the fear that people have of telling the truth. If you come clean and he still denies it then I would tell him that you read his emails and you know he is lying. Then once you both are open and honest about what has been going on, then consider what you plan to do about it. Either you are going to continue doing what you are doing or you are going to call it quits until you are both ready to have a faithful relationship.

[talaniman]

Be honest, and let him know everything, so he will at least have the facts to make a decision, and if you two aren't willing to work on this thing, and define what you both want, don't waste time living a lie, in an unhealthy relationship, which is what it is. Two liars, and cheaters, playing at love, only fooling themselves.

You both need to get real, or get gone, from each other.

[Romefalls19]

Cheating on each other, you guys just need to call it quits. This relationship is so beyond messed up it's not even funny.

[JoeCanada76]

Unfortunately it is hard to keep a relationship going when your seeing each other only for the weekends. A relationship needs to be built on seeing each other more then just weekends. There needs to be more of a commitement on both ends. I think that either way. Somebody will try to blame one more then the other. The thing is both have to take responsibility for this situation.

Take care and you already have great insight on what to do.

[Ren6]

Cheating on each other, you guys just need to call it quits. This relationship is so beyond messed up it's not even funny.

It might look that way to most, but both parties acknowledged from the very beginning that remaining monogamous was going to be a challenge for both of them- and this is while they're in that first bloom of love stage! For whatever reason, the other guy nixed the idea of an open relationship. If Hoppus comes clean about the cheating and about seeing his bf's e-mail... well, that could open up a new door for them rather than be a death knell for them. They still love each other, but fool around during the week- make it an official "open" relationship. They might as well give it a try. For some people, monogamy is not an ideal they aspire to- it's not necessarily a sign of "true love" for them. That's why I think these guys should just fess up and set up some guidelines for their new relationship style.

[Romefalls19]

True, but if they can't be monogamous, I don't see a long term relationship working. Eventually it will start to take a toll, like it is now

[kanicky73]

I think Romefalls19 is correct that if they can't be faithful then a long term relationship really doesn't have a chance. But I don't think that's what either one of them want. I mean come on if you were serious about starting a long term relationship and only wanted to be with that one person, you wouldn't be sleeping around and cheating. So as much as they both say they want a relationship. I think what they really want is the security of knowing that if they can't find someone else to sleep with, they always have each other. There's a difference here between wanting a long term relationship and wanting the security of knowing someone always wants you.

[talaniman]

When we first started the relationship it was made clear that it would be a challenge for both of us to be monogamous, as neither of us were used to it, but we were going to do it, no matter what. My partner was more adamant about this than me, as when I suggested trying an open relationship, he did not see it as an option.

You both broke the rules, now its time for some brutal honesty.

[I wish]

Even if you confront each other and are up front about everything, there's no much left in the relationship.

You can both admit to cheating... and then what? It's time to find some closure and move on.

[Ren6]

Some people are unhappy in monogamous relationships and really aspire to loving more than one person. They usually have a "primary" relationship and work out rules with the other primary partner concerning "satellite" lovers. These guys really sound like they fall in this category, which is not as unusual as you might think. Their relationship may not be doomed at all, if they can 'fess up and come to some sort of agreement.

[cheeseismee]

Well I would say. "We are both having sexual encounters with others. Lets not deny it or cover it up. We can love each other. We can stay together but lets not hide any thing any more." The only thing you did wrong with reading his email was the fact you already knew he was "cheating" and you were too. So there was no need to do it. That being said. The reason most "breeders" look down on gay relationships is because there is little monogamy that is seen in the public. From one bi to another there is too much intolerance between us all. We need to all find what makes us happy. If the two of you want to have some sort of relationship than do it. BUT be honest every step of the way. No being koi. Just do it

[kerriyon]

If you think you is both cheating why you just sit down and ask each other if that's a bad idea well do something to figure out.