[smjozeph]

I'm 36 years old. My daughter will be 12 in March. I held her when she was just a couple of weeks old, and haven't had any contact since then. I have never been a part of her life, and now have finally decided to step up and be responsible. I'd love to be a part of her life if she wants me to. I haven't had any communication with the mother in over 8 years. This was a one night stand, and we never dated. I only want what's best for the child. I have been paying child support off and on for about the past 9 years. I left messages for the mother with a lady from the child support enforcement agency who has contact with the mother. I found out today that the mother plans to contact me after the new year, and that my daughter might be willing to get to know me. She at least wants to know about me from what I was told. I feel horrible for abandoning her. I think about her every year on her birthday, and around holidays, and have spent many sleepless nights thinking about her. The more time that passes, the harder it is to know what to do. I am willing to do whatever is necessary to possibly give my daughter a better life. I just don't know what to do should the time come when I first hear her voice or she hears mine. I need to make good on this, and give her the opportunity to have a father.

[Emland]

Should you move forward and make contact with your daughter you can't have an "on and off" attitude with her. Think long and hard and be committed to being a part of her life from now on or don't make contact at all.

You should plan a visitation schedule with the mother and work to be a positive influence in your child's life. Young women who have been abandoned by their fathers are more prone to be promiscuous that those that have had a stable adult male presence in their lives.

This a major, life changing event you are considering, for yourself and your daughter. Please think it through carefully.

[jjwoodhull]

Be certain that you are ready to make a life long commitment. Then, when you get the chance to meet her, tell what you have told us. You can not turn back time, but you can do what is right now.

Do not expect her to automatically love you. It will take time to develop trust and love.

Good luck.

[Justwantfair]

Make sure you give the mother in this situation her due credit, there are plenty of mothers that would not allow the opportunity after the abandonment. She is clearly more concerned about her daughter's feeling then her own.

This is a huge commitment; parenting is not a part time commitment and you will have plenty to make up for.

[smjozeph]

I just don't know what to say to her after all this time. I have no other children, and don't know what things I should or should not talk to her about.

[Emland]

Tell her about yourself, what you do and your likes and dislikes.

Ask her about herself. If she is like most tweens she'll do all the talking.

[smjozeph]

I know the mother has another child two years older and she lives with her two children in subsidized housing three states away. I want to make her life easier now. I work very hard, and have a good job, and I want to make sure my daughter and her mother have the things they need. Most of all, a father for my daughter.

[jjwoodhull]

It sounds like your intentions are good. I hope it works out well for all involved.

[hjpan]

Be ready for anything.
AND DON'T TELL HER THAT SHE WAS A MISTAKE MADE BY YOU AND THE MOM 12 YEARS AGO

This is why I dislike one night stands/friends with benefits.
Sh*t happens and the guys take off.

[Justwantfair]

He is trying to do the right thing now, no sense to harp on things that cannot be changed.

[smjozeph]

I know there will people who respond to this in a negative way. That doesn't bother me one bit. My only concern is that of my daughter. I made a mistake that lasted a long time, but there's nothing I can do about the past. I can, however, make a difference starting today. Thanks so far for the positive input. I do appreciate it.

[jjwoodhull]

It doesn't matter what others think - only what happens between you and your daughter. It takes a lot of courage to right our past wrongs. Please update us as things move forward.

[Fr_Chuck]

AT 12, be perfectly honest and frank if she asks why you were not faithful in paying support, and why you did not contact her.

Don't try for some sweet excuse, sorry if I am frank, you were a dead beat dad who did not take responsibility, so be honest.

But I would not go there until she asks, tell her about yourself now.

[sully123]

I applaud you for stepping up to the plate. I think it is wonderful. Still all these years later, you always think of her. Just think it might take time, you were young, and we all make mistakes. You have a great job, and you can give your daughter the things she deserves. It will all work out at the end. What happen between you and her Mom that isn't the issue, you've matured, and your ready to except her into your life. Stand proud..

[talaniman]

I supposed better late than never, just be ready for the questions and attitude, remember to be honest. Once you take that step, keep stepping.

It may not be easy or smooth, the path your on now, but I wish you the best for you, and your daughter, DAD!!

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, please don't take what I said as negative, I am glad you are going to be there now, it is hard to step back into their lives.

[sully123]

I just wanted to mention to you also, I was in a similar situation. MY daughter who is 37 now, didn't find her Dad till she was 21, my son's father legally adopted her, that was her Dad to her. She found him at 21, and he broker her heart again, his wife made an ultimatium to him it was his daughter or is marriage. He gave her up again. It took 12 more years until the last few years he has realized what a mistake he made and he still crys over it, because he feels bad he lost all those years with her. It actually took grandchildren until he realized, and now he is wonderful to her.. So keep on stepping up, like Tal says.. you won't regret it either.. Good luck.