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hamworld05 · Nov 2, 2008, 08:45 PM

Gee, where to begin...

God, I hate snow... Snow usually means winter, and I always get sickly during the winter. Since I hate getting sickly, I hate winter!

Now that we have that established... I feel so down... I think I'm in a slump. I haven't been doing my schoolwork, so I've been emotionally and academically paying the price. I don't mind having crap grades all that much, it's just: I believe I'm in danger of failing 1 or 2 courses. I know I haven't been handing in assignments for one teacher. My teacher told me this would be my last week for handing in assignments otherwise, I risk the chance of failing. I've been missing way too many classes(for the second course in fact, this goes for all of 'em) and not doing the homework(usually textbook tidbits but occasionally some actual assignments).

I'm not really sure why I'm not doing the homework. I know that last year, I dropped out of Science, and took Resource as a replacement course. That helped emotionally(less pressure, and Resource is essentially "homework class"). On some days, I don't feel like going to school at all. So I stay in. On those days, I still don't do any homework. I don't have any suckish teachers in my opinion right now.

My parent's values usually clash with mine. I'm tired of them getting on my case. Every time I'm unable to entertain myself through interactive media(i.e TV, video games, Internet) I get some mental anguish. If they care so much, why do they show it in such strange ways like pulling one of the cords from my Gamecube or taking away my modem and hiding it?

I don't like Home all that much anymore. It used to be okay for meaningful learning, but now I find that it's just too loud(I have a severe-profound bi-lateral sensorineural hearing loss Pretty weird, isn't it?) for doing homework without having my privacy invaded.

I don't think I can balance school with my hobbies. I find school just gets in the way in doing hobbies. I wish I had a mental pattern that allowed me to deal with homework sufficiently, and get fulfillment from doing my hobbies. What do I do?

Wondergirl · Nov 2, 2008, 08:52 PM

I was feeling bad for you and thinking of solutions until I got to your last paragraph.

You must have been paying attention along the way because you are an amazingly good writer with exceptional spelling and sentence structure. I got the feeling you are smart enough to figure this problem out all by yourself. Your last paragraph says you already know the best solution.

mdh111688 · Nov 2, 2008, 08:56 PM

First, what grade are you in? Second, what are your hobbies?

hamworld05 · Nov 2, 2008, 09:38 PM

I am in the 10th grade. As for my hobbies, they tend to vary from time to time. A given is web surfing. I am an avid web surfer! I usually like interacting with people online, so you may find me in a chatroom related to my interests. Right now, I'm totally into Pokemon. So I'm usually in a pokemon chat room. I also have a thing for forums. In my opinion, people are nicer on forums than chat rooms. So forums are cool like that. And lurking. I tend to lurk around certain forums. Like Pokemon ones. AMHD, too. I'm also into video games, and watching TV. I love reading books.

Wondergirl, I'm scared. I'm scared because I'm not entirely sure what the solution is. I'm scared, because I may have to face homework, and homework scares me. Even if I have this problem figured out, I don't trust myself. Like, I tried to get myself to the library. But I made up excuses and went home instead.

I get uncomfortable when around in social situations. I find homework(whenever I do it) to be well, almost dull. I have a lot of work that I haven't done, and I feel scared at the thought of attempting to complete most of it without feeling empty inside.

You're placing too much faith in me. I need help, and I think I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to homework.

Wondergirl · Nov 2, 2008, 10:00 PM

Originally Posted by hamworld05

You're placing too much faith in me. I need help, and I think I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to homework.

You sound like me -- too smart for your own good when it comes to schoolwork. If you knew how bored I used to get in school (but yep, you probably do since it is the same for you)...

I know how addicting the computer is. Mine was down for about 36 hours last spring, and I couldn't even check my email. I thought I would shrivel up and die.

Have you talked to a school counselor or a teacher you like and trust?

hamworld05 · Nov 2, 2008, 10:07 PM

I've talked to a teacher I liked, a guidance counselor and a therapist or whatever, I think. I think all I got was "You need to do the homework, you don't have enough confidence in yourself, and you need to spend less time on the computer." I would post more info if I could remember, but I don't get to talk to them the way I should often enough.

It's late, I'm going to be headed to bed. Good night!

Wondergirl · Nov 2, 2008, 10:17 PM

Originally Posted by hamworld05

I've talked to a teacher I liked, a guidance counselor and a therapist or whatever, I think. I think all I got was "You need to do the homework, you don't have enough confidence in yourself, and you need to spend less time on the computer." I would post more info if I could remember, but I don't get to talk to them the way I should often enough.

It's late, I'm going to be headed to bed. Good night!

"You need, you need, you need." Yeah, we know "you need."

Let's meet here again soon, tomorrow night. I get home from work around 9:30 Central and am on the computer by 10. Maybe see you then? Sleep well.

mdh111688 · Nov 2, 2008, 10:19 PM

I share many of your hobbies, including Pokemon :) I am nearly 20. I love video games, my favorite right now is Fable II for the Xbox 360. What about you? What genre do you like best?

As to your not being able to do the homework, what about the homework scares you? You mention it being dull... is there a way you can make it interesting? I sometimes encounter problems motivating myself and have to make studying fun. Try talking out your homework to yourself. It might sound weird, but it really works for me. Another thing that works is making flash cards on my computer. A great site for me is: Flash Cards - Create, Study and Share Online Flashcards

Hope these tips help you!

Wondergirl · Nov 2, 2008, 10:20 PM

*Wondergirl, reaching into her pocket to give you a smile for Monday*

Clough · Nov 3, 2008, 02:59 AM

Hi, hamworld05!

It really is about choices. I can sympathize with being bored and all that, but you know, what if you really applied yourself to the things that you need to do to get ahead and prepare you for the things that are to come later in life?

If you applied yourself to get your schoolwork done and worked even beyond that which is required and also showed an interest going beyond doing just the basic things that you need to do, chances are that opportunities would open up for you to do things that would be more interesting and challenging.

I know that from my being a teacher for a long time, that I have tried to provide ways for the smartest and self-motivated students to excel, not get bored and be excited about the challenges that I might give to them to prepare them for the things that they will encounter later.

Future employers look for those individuals who went the "extra mile".

Just a thought for you...

Choux · Nov 3, 2008, 12:42 PM

Thanks, but no thanks, I'm not joining your PITY PARTY, ham.

Get out from behing the computer and start making a real life for yourself. :)

hamworld05 · Nov 5, 2008, 07:06 PM

I hate myself... God, I don't deserve to live. My intelligence has been insulted so many times in a chat... I probably am an idiot... I deserve to end myself. I don't think I have a way to go from being stupid to being smart without the journey being depressing and painful. I have to think of a way to end myself without it being painfully obvious... It would save the pain...

I made such stupid statements... It's hard to believe I'm not stupid now. Nobody loves me.

mdh111688 · Nov 5, 2008, 11:01 PM

Hey hamworld,

What's up with this? You do deserve to live. Why do you feel as though your intelligence is less than it is?

I believe that you are an extremely intelligent person. I don't see any stupid statements either. I don't know you, but I am sure that you are somebody that is loved and is worthy of that love.

No matter what, if you did kill yourself, it would cause pain to more people than you know. The journey may seem hard right now, the exit from the tunnel of darkness may seem unattainable, but in the end, it WILL work out and WILL get better. You just have to believe that it will.

Please don't make any rash decisions and please seek out help. There are people who can help you. NOBODY deserves to suffer alone and in silence.

hamworld05 · Nov 6, 2008, 02:28 PM

Originally Posted by mdh111688

Hey hamworld,

What's up with this? You do deserve to live. Why do you feel as though your intelligence is less than it is?

I believe that you are an extremely intelligent person. I don't see any stupid statements either. I don't know you, but I am sure that you are somebody that is loved and is worthy of that love.

No matter what, if you did kill yourself, it would cause pain to more people than you know. The journey may seem hard right now, the exit from the tunnel of darkness may seem unattainable, but in the end, it WILL work out and WILL get better. You just have to believe that it will.

Please don't make any rash decisions and please seek out help. There are people who can help you. NOBODY deserves to suffer alone and in silence.

First paragraph: Because I kept trying to convince others of my opinion. In attempting to do so, I must have made about a kajillion stupid statements. They had no basis, and were not worth debating. I tried hard not to cry, because I understood this... Every time I try to do some real thinking, I find it's just plain stupid. I'm not sure who I'm loved by. Certainly not my parents. I'm confident they have a distaste for me, even if one of them cooks and cleans for me.

I want it to get better... I want help... but I'm not sure where to get it and without letting my mother know about it. Even if my mom loves me, I don't love her back. I find her love(if it should exist) meaningless.

mdh111688 · Nov 6, 2008, 04:35 PM

The intuition and insight in your response again point towards your intelligence. Stupid statements (not that I think your statements are stupid) don't make you stupid. I say dumb things all of the time, but I am still a very smart person.

The basis of your statements rests with you, not with the person reading it. If you feel that they are worth debating, then they are. I am no professional, but I think you sound pretty depressed. I think something you could benefit from is positive self talk. My therapist recommends this for me all of the time because I am very hard on myself. I constantly put myself down. It is something to do with my own depression and anxiety issues.

Everybody is loved by someone. I would say I love you, but I don't want to freak you out :) I do feel that everyone wants to be cared for and that everyone deserves that care. I am very sorry that you don't feel as though your parents care for you. That is a very hard feeling to live with. I have struggled with thoughts along those same lines for a long time. It's taken me a awhile, but I am realizing that the love is there, I have just been blind to it. Now, I am not saying that this applies to you as I don't know you. This is just my own experience speaking. What do they do that shows in any way that they don't have love for you?

Your last statements about getting help and not wanting your mother to know, is there a particular reason? Would she not approve of it? I run into this situation with my dad. My mom knows about my therapist, but we can't let my dad know because he doesn't "believe" that therapy has any benefits. I personally think he could "benefit" from therapy himself. The counselor at school is always where I'd recommend for someone in high school to go. If you've spoken to the regular counselor at school and didn't find that too helpful, most schools have other programs that are accessible through the school. For example, while I was in high school, I spoke to people with Communities in Schools and SAIL I know that CIS is something that is a national program, but I don't know about the other. These are just some suggestions. Let me know what you think.

hamworld05 · Nov 6, 2008, 09:21 PM

Originally Posted by mdh111688

The intuition and insight in your response again point towards your intelligence. Stupid statements (not that I think your statements are stupid) don't make you stupid. I say dumb things all of the time, but I am still a very smart person.

The basis of your statements rests with you, not with the person reading it. If you feel that they are worth debating, then they are. I am no professional, but I think you sound pretty depressed. I think something you could benefit from is positive self talk. My therapist recommends this for me all of the time because I am very hard on myself. I constantly put myself down. It is something to do with my own depression and anxiety issues.

Everybody is loved by someone. I would say I love you, but I don't want to freak you out :) I do feel that everyone wants to be cared for and that everyone deserves that care. I am very sorry that you don't feel as though your parents care for you. That is a very hard feeling to live with. I have struggled with thoughts along those same lines for a long time. It's taken me a awhile, but I am realizing that the love is there, I have just been blind to it. Now, I am not saying that this applies to you as I don't know you. This is just my own experience speaking. What do they do that shows in any way that they don't have love for you?

Your last statements about getting help and not wanting your mother to know, is there a particular reason? Would she not approve of it? I run into this situation with my dad. My mom knows about my therapist, but we can't let my dad know because he doesn't "believe" that therapy has any benefits. I personally think he could "benefit" from therapy himself. The counselor at school is always where I'd recommend for someone in high school to go. If you've spoken to the regular counselor at school and didn't find that too helpful, most schools have other programs that are accessible through the school. For example, while I was in high school, I spoke to people with Communities in Schools and SAIL I know that CIS is something that is a national program, but I don't know about the other. These are just some suggestions. Let me know what you think.

It's not that bad thinking they don't love me. As long as they don't constantly interfere with my business, they're all right. I just don't feel loved by them, y'know? Like they accept me but eh whatever, just sit on the table. If I want affection, I get it from my siblings. They have such odd ways of punishing, too. Like if they decide I'm a bad kid or whatever, they take the modem away. If they feel I have an addiction to Pokemon, they take my gamecube away. If they believe I'm failing, they don't let me watch TV. I wish they'd leave me alone and let suffer the consequences in peace(that'll never happen).

I don't want my mother to know or even understand that I'm getting help. It's just a privacy thing for me.

Even if I am smart, I'm not convinced I'm a great critical thinker. Why I can't have the right kind of smarts? I found a great link on intution : Accessing Your Intuition - an article by Brian Tracy

I'm not sure what I'm lacking in the intelligence department that would displease so many people... How do I found out how intuitive I am? By testing it? I'm feeling a bit better, though... maybe I just don't understand how to debate and how the Internet social graces work.

I have a goal I can expect to meet tomorrow... feeling pretty good about that. There's the weekend, too. If I'm lucky, I might get a couple library books and read my socks off into the weekend evenings.

mdh111688 · Nov 6, 2008, 10:56 PM

How many siblings do you have? I have an older brother who is almost 24. I tell him all the time that I think he's really old. Since I'll be 20 in about a week, I can't keep using that one. Oh well.

On the parental punishment, it honestly isn't that odd. That's about what my parents did to me. They just want to "teach a lesson" by taking away things that might be distracting you from your studies. The way I do things is that I do my homework during the day for a set period and then spend a while at night before bed relaxing. Whether that's playing Fable II or working on my computer, it is just my time. This schedule allows me to find a balance between my homework and my hobbies. Perhaps this might work for you?

I understand that you wish to keep your privacy, that is totally understandable. Do you know of any programs similar to the ones I mentioned that are in your school? They will have to honor confidentiality as long as you don't pose harm to yourself or to others. That is what I was told when I spoke with my counselors, but you can always ask them what reasons they would have to break the confidentiality. I really think it would help you to have someone you could really talk to.

I am very glad that you are feeling better. To be completely honest, I don't understand how to debate things and I am still learning the Internet social graces. Life is a learning process. Yes, the weekend is quickly approaching and it is always good to meet goals. There are few better ways to boost self-confidence. I am very intrigued by the article you have attached. I honestly don't have enough time to read it at this point, but I definitely will once I have time this weekend. I hope you enjoy your books!

spyderglass · Nov 6, 2008, 11:11 PM

Ham, I can't tell you that I know exactly how you feel, I don't believe anybody can know exactly how someone feels- but in high school I had a different belief system than my parents and they were constantly criticizing me. Sometimes that made me feel that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve to be loved. They would constantly take things away from me, things that meant everything to me- but I understand now that I'm an adult, since I was so different from them, they didn't know how to handle and react to me and my differences. My family didn't think I needed counseling either, they told me I was just feeling sorry for myself (which I probably was) and I needed to suck it up. Now that I am in therapy I understand that I am and was bi-polar. You are in the tenth grade and things seem very black right now- but when you are an adult you will have more freedom to do as you like. Do your homework graduate and GO TO COLLEGE (I would hate to see a smart guy such as yourself not go) and you will start seeing things in perspective.
Ps. Go out and get a book called "Please Understand Me II" by David Keirsey
Later

mdh111688 · Nov 10, 2008, 04:26 PM

Hey Ham,

How are you doing? I know that you said that some goals might be met this past weekend and that you thought your weekend would be nice. I hope that it was.

hamworld05 · Nov 11, 2008, 02:18 PM

I'm doing all right. My weekend was alright(got to stay up late, play a lot of pokemon, watch t.v etc. ). I'm just so lazy. I almost want to do the homework, but it's just, the motivation isn't there. I'm not convinced I should spend valuable time doing work teachers don't even think matters a whole lot. I know it sounds childish, but I'd like positive affirmations(like hey, awesome job! Or, thanks for doing the homework! and keep it up) from somebody at school. I don't want to do a whole lot of work, remain behind and get no positive affirmations.

During the last week, a few education assistants and I( my suggestion, they shall not take all the credit!) decided to make my main goal was to show up to classes the entire week. I fulfilled this goal and felt a bit happy at meeting it. School felt a bit better. I'm not all that less behind, though.

Now, this week's goal for me to show up on time to all classes. A bit tougher, but nothing that I can't do! It's a shame Friday is a P.D day. I'd love to celebrate my meeting goal by playing chess. See, Friday's a game-day. So, I can read, chill or play board games. :D

I wish I could sleep better, though. I'm such a night owl, and I get sleepy during classes. I want to sleep earlier, but time flies by so fast when I'm doing stuff on my computer that it's hard to just stop and go to bed.