Originally Posted by
Tallarin
My best friend has disappeared from my life (and actually the lives of everyone in our very small school community - which is making some tasks very difficult but we muddle through) and I have learned to accept that no matter what I do or say, that friendship is dead, gone, kaput, never to be. For a while there I thought that time would heal the relationship and that it I kept being supportive "from afar" eventually things would go back to normal (hey! I'm an optimist O.K???).
So after much soul searching I've come to accept what it is, but the one thing I can't let go is the ANGER of having been abandoned. As I was deleting email last night, I ran across one from this person telling me not too long ago how important I was in their lives. I was ANGRY for hours.
For many reasons, I have always held the belief that holding grudges and staying angry gets you nowhere and usually, no matter how rotten someone treats me, I end up "turning the other cheek" and forgiving the person. This time, I am not able to practice what I have always preached to my family and friends and honestly, it scares me. Someone told me that my friend needs to hear what I'm going through, I don't think that's a good thing... or even practical as she won't answer her door. I really don't care to have this person back in my life again - My four kids all miss her as she used to spoil them rotten with rides, hand knit stuff and home baked goods and a good ear when "mom was being unreasonable" :D. The ultimate "auntie" even though we have lots of relatives around.
I never thought a friend could hurt me so bad...it's scary that I can't forgive... especially after she forgave (or so she told me) our spat over the summer...
thank you
There are lots of angles to take, but your post didn't have a specific question, so I'll go with the basics... improving quality of communication, even if it's just the communication you have with yourself.
According to the principles of Non-Violent Communication, anger is a valuable feeling that tells us two things:
1) We have a need (or several) not being met, and
2) We have a judgment in our head turned outward (usually onto another person)
To transform anger in the NVC model:
a. Recognize that anger is just a "check engine" light on your dashboard telling you to look into the above two things
b. Look at what actually happened, separate from your own interpretations of them. For example, "disappeared" is an interpretation. What is it this person actually does? Fails to answer the door is one you mentioned. I can only guess at others.
c. Shift your focus from what they do to what's inside you, specifically what you feel when she does those things and what unmet needs those feelings point to. Is it really just anger in there? What's underneath the anger? There's a list of feelings when our needs aren't met on the second half of
cnvc:: Feelings Lists, when needs are satisfied and when needs are not satisfied
d. Identify what needs aren't being met. List of needs at:
cnvc:: Needs List