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Brooke3535 · Dec 3, 2014, 11:26 AM

I just found out that my husband's family doesn't want him married to me and they think that I feel "better than them".
My husband and I are legally already married, our official big wedding is in February. His brother is supposed to be one of his best men and their daughter is one of the flower girls, he threatened to not be in the wedding, but now they are again. They have caused so much drama during this year of planning the wedding that they have taken all my enjoyment away from me.
His family is VERY upset that it's a formal wedding and that they can't wear jeans. They are also mad about no kids, accept the 3 in the wedding. My husband's brother told him that our marriage won't last and so many horrible things and about me. I was raised very privileged and my husband was raised with a struggling family so we are in a different spot in life. My husband and I are deeply in love and he has been so amazing and always stands up for me. We are kicking his brother out of the wedding soon and so he might lose his brother? I just can't do anything right in his family's eyes.

I'm not sure what to do? Any advice is greatly appreciated! Anyone else been in this situation before?

Wondergirl · Dec 3, 2014, 11:34 AM

You are already married. Why a "big wedding"? I'm not surprised his family is unhappy. I became unhappy (and even a bit angry) just reading your post. Why not put the emphasis on the reception and have a relaxed party? In the "ceremony" itself, include both families and keep it casual, a celebration of love and union. And who is really creating drama here?

Brooke3535 · Dec 3, 2014, 11:42 AM

No one knows we are legally married. We got married in August so that my uncle who is also a pastor could marry us, he has stage 4 cancer and probably can't make it to our original wedding in February. The February wedding is the wedding that all our family and friends will be at. Only our parents and brothers/sisters know we are already married.

I'm actually a very sweet and loving person and I've always been wonderful to his family. They have been pretty horrible to me.

ma0641 · Dec 3, 2014, 11:51 AM

So tell them you are married and this is a convalidation service, a renewal of vows. Then have a party. You don't need anyone but yourselves at the altar.

Wondergirl · Dec 3, 2014, 11:54 AM

You are married. There's no getting around that. And if you pretend the Feb. event is your "original" wedding ceremony, you are lying to friends and relatives. If the fat ever hits the fire, you will lose any respect you might still have.

If you are truly sweet and wonderful, do the right thing and be honest and turn this event into a joyful celebration and union of families.

Brooke3535 · Dec 3, 2014, 12:00 PM

This site is pretty harsh. Thanks for the advice

I wish it was that easy. Everyone has already bought their bridesmaid dresses, hotel is booked for the wedding. A lot of money is already invested to just all the sudden say it's a renewal of vows. It's going to be a beautiful and special event and I just wish his family would be better to me. That's what my question was about, his family being horrible to me, not the fact that we chose to sign a marriage license and to change the whole wedding that's already in the making

Wondergirl · Dec 3, 2014, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by Brooke3535

This site is pretty harsh. Thanks for the advice

Harsh? Because we don't agree with the lie you want to perpetuate?

his family being horrible to me

Why doesn't his family like you already? I'm guessing it's not because of money. Please tell us more about what has happened. And the groom is okay with these wedding plans?

Brooke3535 · Dec 3, 2014, 12:11 PM

This site isn't for me and is making this situation worse. Yes my husband is very excited for the wedding in February and he also doesn't want everyone knowing we are already marred. We only did it so my dying uncle could sign our marriage license for us and do that for us. You take care.

Jake2008 · Dec 3, 2014, 12:19 PM

Sometimes, investments just don't work out. It is a chance you take.

The risk of investing a lot of money in an event, is a risk you take, as you have no doubt worries about the behavior of your relatives 'to be', being the same, if not worse, during and after the planned cerermony.

From what you have said, I would agree that the behavior of your 'husband's' family, is iffy. What makes you think that they will be any less boorish, and suddenly develop respect and manners where the wedding is concerned. And, if they try to make themselves seem loving and welcoming toward you- nobody would see it for anything other than fake.

And then, they find out that you were already married and I doubt that would be anything less than adding rocket fuel to the fire of discontent.

I'm wondering if you had a civil ceremony, because you already knew what to expect with a big wedding, and his family?

So, back to the investment, and likely a good chunk of which you will lose as far as deposits go for the hotel, reception catering, etc. should you decide to cut your losses, and not go for the event at all.

To me, the last thing I'd spend money on, was trouble. But that's not my call, it's yours.

joypulv · Dec 3, 2014, 01:00 PM

You say this is your 'official big wedding,' but I hope you aren't having clergy officiate. None will do so unless it's called something else, with a different ceremony. When they find out (filling out the marriage license), they will be horrified and angry.

I have never heard of excluding children. Sounds awful. You can't have a 'formal wedding,' so I just don't get any of this! And you have to ASK if you will lose his brother after kicking him out?

You care more about this sham show with all the trappings than you do about people. You and your husband love each other deeply. How long will that last without his family?

COMPROMISE. Convert out of formality to informality, if only for honesty of it being a 'blessing' or 'renewal of vows.'

Or come back in 5 years and tell us how wonderful your marriage is....

Cat1864 · Dec 3, 2014, 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by Brooke3535

No one knows we are legally married. We got married in August so that my uncle who is also a pastor could marry us, he has stage 4 cancer and probably can't make it to our original wedding in February. The February wedding is the wedding that all our family and friends will be at. Only our parents and brothers/sisters know we are already married.

I'm actually a very sweet and loving person and I've always been wonderful to his family. They have been pretty horrible to me.

Does the officiant for the February wedding know that you are already married? If I read this correctly, his parents and siblings already know the 'big secret' so who are you hiding it from? How do you know they haven't told everyone else already if they are so intent on causing drama?

I understand that you want your big wedding and so many plans and commitments have been made. However, I agree that you and your husband should be honest with your friends and family about already having married and why. People who care about you will understand and support your decision. You can still have the religious ceremony as celebration and affirmation of your love and commitment to each other.

How did his family treat you before you started planning for the wedding? Did things start to go down hill when they realized how 'formal' and (from the sound of it) not very family (meaning including children) friendly your wedding day is going to be? If they are more down to earth then this could feel like a slap in the face to them. HAve you thought about that?

It is your 'big day' and it should be the way you and your husband want it to be, but is there a chance you are going over-board and there might be some room for compromise so that his family feels more comfortable at the ceremony? I am not saying you have to embrace blue jeans or have children running around while you are trying to say your vows. But would having children at the reception be possible? Are there any family traditions you might incorporate?

Have you and your husband tried to make peace and understand their feelings and fears or have you both been adding more stones to the wall? Are they really the only ones causing the drama? Take a long hard look and be honest with yourselves. Try to look at the situation from their perspective. See if there are places to make peace offerings because the brother is correct that your marriage won't last if your husband has to choose between you and his family. Even if he chooses you, it will cause him pain and stress. Not a good way to begin a marriage.

talaniman · Dec 4, 2014, 08:27 AM

What really causes the drama is having two ceremonies. One for your family that met their needs, and a second for HIS family, an expensive celebration of hidden facts just for show.

Can't you see this second ceremony is built on deception, and has little chance of a successful outcome? Why did the first ceremony have to be a secret from HIS family in the first place? Big weddings always add stress between families and that's normal I think, but adding intentional deception only increases the stress and drama.

Had you been honest from the beginning with his family of your plans, and the reasons behind them, then I doubt there would be a need for further deception, or even being stress that his family go along with this STAGED second wedding.

STOP right now and correct this oversight if for no other reason than it's the right thing to do. I am sure they will be pissed at being excluded from the real wedding, and rightfully so, but at least it can be dealt with openly and honestly.

I am so struck by the lack of honesty from the very beginning, and what feels more like a cover up than a celebration that I have to ask how much more deception will be needed over the years will be needed to keep this secret? I don't think any of us is being harsh to you as much as you want us to be a part of justifying your own dishonesty, and disrespect for his family, and its small wonder his family doesn't like you. That won't change until you bring both honesty and respect back to the table.

I simply cannot believe you expect strangers to go along with your deception, and you sure picked the wrong site for HONEST opinions.

Eat your expenses, and come clean.

J_9 · Dec 4, 2014, 08:37 AM

It's funny, Tal, that she wanted honest opinions, but when she got them, she was offended. Truth told, she wanted us to back up her lies, but became defensive when she was shown the truth of the matter.

Apparently the OP was raised with a silver spoon and used to getting her way without throwing a temper tantrum.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 4, 2014, 08:42 AM

Well I would have issues, about the no kids invited, in fact if I had kids, I would not come. I think it is silly since a wedding is a family event. It is not a "blue jean event" unless that is the type of wedding.

But, you are already married, and everyone needs to know, this is just a blessing, it sill be obvious, if the preacher does it properly, since he can not pronouse you man and wife, merely bless your marriage

Also, not sure why, kicking brother out of wedding, but no, you don't, his family is his family, time for you to start accepting their life style.

Also, not sure why, kicking brother out of wedding, but no, you don't, his family is his family, time for you to start accepting their life style.

Den Mother 08 · Feb 6, 2015, 08:09 AM

I think it is totally your decision to have a big wedding. Weddings are about the couple, not the family. However you can't control what people do. But you can control how you react to it.
My husband and I have been married for 32 years. When we got married his family also thought that my family was wealthy and they couldn't have been more wrong. I was raised with both parents until my father past away after 27 years to my mother. We had a wonderful loving home and we were provided for and showered with lots of unconditional love.
My husband came from a divorced family, and he was back and forth between homes until he was 18 and we married. His Mom was always hard to get along with no matter what we did to include her in our lives. She got her feelings hurt easily if you didn't agree with her, and often times would tell my husband that I didn't like her. That was untrue. I tried to do things with her and include her in my activities such as shopping, visits with the grandchildren, planning holidays and family dinners. She fought every situation as if she was being attacked. For example; I was breast feeding my babying two months old and she wanted to feed her mashed potatoes, and smashed green beans. When I told her that I felt she wasn't old enough for table foods I got a lecture about how all of her children were eating off the table at 2 months old, and when I turned my back, she put potatoes on her finger and in my child's mouth. I was upset but I discussed it with my husband and he took care of addressing the situation in a calm but firm way. Another example is that she dropped by our home unexpected one day with a friend of hers to see the new baby. The baby was sleeping so I offered to fix coffee and chat until she woke up. After about 15 minuets she said they had to go and would see the baby another time. Then she called my husband and said I was rude and didn't want them to see the baby.
So as you can see, some people can't be satisfied no matter what you do to get along with them. If I had let my mother-in-law to get to me and have an argue meant every time you turned around our lives would have been miserable. Instead I took a big deep breath and moved on.
If your husbands family doesn't want to dress appropriately for you day of celebration, then let them come as they are. They will be the ones embarrassed by their approach to the situation. Your husband needs to explain to his family that this is something you both want and that you both love them and want them to be a part but if they decide not to join in the festivities, that you would be just as happy to have them become spectators and enjoy the celebration! Try being the bigger person. Don't let them steal your joy and only you can control that. I wish you all the love in the world on your big day and ever after!

Precious7 · Feb 6, 2015, 02:33 PM

They have caused so much drama during this year of planning the wedding that they have taken all my enjoyment away from me.
His family is VERY upset that it's a formal wedding and that they can't wear jeans. They are also mad about no kids, accept the 3 in the wedding. My husband's brother told him that our marriage won't last and so many horrible things and about me. I was raised very privileged and my husband was raised with a struggling family so we are in a different spot in life. My husband and I are deeply in love and he has been so amazing and always stands up for me. We are kicking his brother out of the wedding soon and so he might lose his brother? I just can't do anything right in his family's eyes.

I'm not sure what to do? Any advice is greatly appreciated! Anyone else been in this situation before?

If you really wants His family to accept you which is your main concern then accept them how ever they are. If they want to wear Jeans let them do it, if they want to bring kids let them do it. You want acceptance and love from them but you don't want to consider their thoughts and needs, then it doesn't shows any difference. In a marriage family definitely play an important role. It is a place for love and support. If they don't see it and don't accept you,nevertheless you accept them. Time changes, people changes, If they see you loving and respecting them, they will surely understand one day. At least they will stop hating you when they will get to know you personally ( only if you love and respect them). And by kicking A Brother from his own brother's wedding, it doesn't looks like, you are loving them so much, no matter what his brother said. Your whole in laws family don't accept you but you can't kick them out right! If you want to live alone just with your husband and having no relationship with his family, then don't care if they hate you or love you. And don't even pay attention to my suggestions. But if you really want to live in love and unity with His parents too, then think about what I said. Hope it gets better and a happy married life. :)