[sickoflove]

So this girl was my first love - and I was hers. We experienced all our first times together, from first kisses to losing virginity to each other. After 2.5 years, and some rocky times, our relationship ended on just a random, normal evening. I could see that she wasn't happy and suggested it, and she readily agreed.

She lead me on for a while, making me think things would work out. She would then seem to lose all feeling for me. This cycle would repeat itself for the next 3 months or so. She is now heavily into partying at her college, which is about an hour from mine. It is all she does on the weekends, drinking a lot and wearing revealing clothes. When I went to her school to tell her I was moving on and not going to go through this cycle of her telling me she wants us to be together in the future and then not committing in the meantime, she broke down crying. We stayed a non-sexual night together in her room cuddling after that. I felt like she still cared a lot, and she even told me she loves me.

I gave her a lot of space for 2 weeks, and she eventually started texting me every day. I would keep it short and sweet and not give her too much attention. One day she told me she missed me and asked me if we could spend a day together the following week, just me and her. I said we would see how our schedules are looking. It resparked my emotions and got my hope high again. The next day she acted completely ice cold to me, a complete 180 turn from the day before, where she had even called me "babe". I did not seem to be worth her time.

I found out from a friend the next day that she had made out with another guy the previous weekend, the week after she had told me she hadn't been with anyone since our breakup. It dropped the pit of my stomach out. She happened to be in my town the next day for a party and her and her friends ended up hanging with me and staying at my place. She was pretty much ignoring me the whole night, and I made no effort to pursue her. She ended up sleeping in my bed with me after the night was over. I asked her if she could honestly tell me she hadn't been with anyone else, and she said she had last weekend, and that she was drunk and it was nothing, only kissing, and that she had left right after.

The next day after she left we talked on text messages about her feelings and stuff like that. She said she wants me back, just not as the people we are now. She comes from a very controlled and strict childhood, and said she wants to mature as a woman before we come together again. She said she doesn't want us to fall into the same relationship we had before, and that we need to grow as individuals before we get back together. I asked her why she even is bothering to give me this hope, is it just to keep me as a backup plan, or is it legitimate? She told me it is because she truly loves me and enjoys my company, but she can't do it right now. I told her lets make it official that we are both going to move on with our lives and that whatever happens in the future will happen, and that I hope the future includes her. She agreed, and we told each other we love each other and said goodbye for now.

I am wary, because despite my previous efforts at moving on she has baited me just enough to get me hooked again right when I am starting to feel better. I know this time has to be different, but she can melt my resolve like no one else I know. I am so deeply in love with her, I can't even explain it. Even though I know I should want nothing to do with her after she has lead me in circles for months, I can't shake my feelings for her. My fears for letting her go until she is ready is that

a) the feelings she says she has for me will fade over time and she won't care at that point
b) she will have sex with other people, though she says she has higher values than that (we are the only person each other has had, and it is unique and I am scared to lose that forever)
c) she is putting me on the backseat for a backup plan in case she doesn't find anyone else

I love her so much, i can't deny i want her back. I know i can move on, but i want there to be a future for us so badly it hurts. I can sense her feelings for me when we are together, through how she still kisses and cuddles me despite her best efforts not to. She is hot and cold when communicating over phone, however. What does this situation sound like to you more experienced people, and what can i do to have her back again? As it stands now we are both gonna move on with our lives away from each other, and i dont plan to contact her first and to be only friendly when she contacts me. What do i do guys? This is the girl i want to spend my life with, and i dont want to lose the connection we have by giving her too much time. What can I do? Have i pushed her away too far already? It has been 3 months.

note: she said she is not closed to seeing other guys and I think she might even be interested in one. It doesn't make sense to me why she would do this if she truly wants another shot with me, and didn't even think making out with the other guy was a big deal, though he is now the only other person who she has done that with besides me. She now seems distant and uninterested in talking to me. She has even told me she resents me for always wanting her to come see me at my school on weekends (she was allowed a car, I was not) when we were together because she couldn't make friends and do her own activities and that she needs to get past that, but she still loves me. I agree that was wrong of me, but it is something I have told her I am ready to fix, though she says not right now.

[kctiger]

The first love is the hardest. We always want to spend the rest of our lives with that person, think we'll never fall in love again after it's over and refuse to believe we could possibly be interested in another person like we were in them. That's a complete fallacy from start to finish. I think she has told you the truth. She doesn't want to be in a relationship and all of her other statements are just attempts to soften the blow on you. She is in college, she wants to party and she doesn't want to live with regrets, meaning she wants to explore what it's like to be single and have no one to answer to.

I've been where you are and I've heard all the same things she is telling you. People grow apart, it's as simple as that. While she may "love" you as a person, the relationship is over, no matter how long you, or her, pretend like there is still something there. Yes it hurts and yes it is truly hard to go through. My advice to you, cut your ties, drop communication and grow from there. Good luck. I advise you to ask questions until it hurts (from this forum), come here a lot, and by all means, stick around to read the experiences of others. It is a world of knowledge at your fingertips.

[sickoflove]

Thank you for answering. I just don't get why she is so interested in the whole living without ties thing and I am not. Do you think there is no hope for us based on what I have said? Whatever it would take to have her again, I would be willing.

[kctiger]

I don't think there is hope right now, and I definitely don't think it is worth living like there is. These things happen. I've seen people break up and get back together years down the line. That's the beauty of life, never knowing what could happen. As for her, it's a part of life. People change and they want to "find themselves." You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders so I think you know what's best.

[sickoflove]

I know you are right. A lot of my problem is not accepting what has happened. I just find myself loving her so much despite everything. A part of me hopes she will realize the emptiness that will come with the party scene, and that she will miss the love that we shared together. I know this is something she needs to go through. I went through the freedom/party stage early in high school. I knew she was better than all of that once we started seeing each other. But you are right, I know I can't live like she is going to come back, though I sincerely hope she does someday. I know I am not respecting myself enough by thinking this way, but its still very hard to shake these hopes.

[new77]

If I was you, I would not be in love with someone who treats me that way. Try to do something else than getting her back. Go on with your life if you want her to see you doing well! It is the only way she can see what she really wants-she seems she does not know, and that is not your problem!

[awayandalone]

hey man first loves are tough to get over. But I guarantee you will get over. My third relationship was ended unexpectedly 2 months ago by my ex, as the greatest love I've known yet it hurts like hell. By that I'm trying to say that you will find love again, and when you have it it is the best feeling in the world but anytime you lose it its going to hurt. That's what I tell myself to get through my days now I've loved before and I know I can love again. I may not invest my whole self into another relationship but someday someone will accept me for who I am again.
when you have love it's the greatest feeling in the world, but as soon as its gone, no matter who ends it you or them, if it was a meaningful relationship its going to hurt and take time to get over. Use this time to focus on you regain your confidence and you will start to feel better.

I also want to share with you that after this recent break up, out of the blue my first love contacted me after 4 years of not talking to one another. Do I think we'll get back together, no, but I also don't think we aren't meant to, we are slowly regaining a friendship and its really helped me get through this break up. So you never where life can take you, if its meant to be she'll come back and if she doesn't know that you sound like a good guy and know that one day you'll find someone who won't let themselves get caught up in the party scene and random hookups and will enjoy the meaningful relationship you share with them. My ex has done the same thing and gone to the party scene and it hurts like hell not knowing what she is up to but at the same time it is better I don't know.

use this site often and read others posts it does help and you will start to feel better but to do so you must cut all contact with her. Wish you well man!

[talaniman]

It would be a lot easier and less confusing if when you had broken up, let each other go, instead of feeding false hope to yourself. That's right you fed it to yourself, instead of disappearing from her life, let her do your thing, and doing your own.

Yeah, it sucks though, with that first break up, but now you know.

[sickoflove]

Do you guys think what she is saying about still loving me romantically and that she needs time to grow a bit first as a person is just a load of BS? She says she wants to try down the line, but who the hell knows when that's going to be. This one line of hope is what messes with my head big time.

[new77]

sickoflove you are hurt and do not listen what we say here, actually its kind of normal, but please try to be aware that as much as you look into it "what it means when if..." will just lead you to no answer, you will be in loop. Leave it. You will laugh one day at this situation. Ah there are so many things to do than thinking on her no? What hope? Take it slowly, see how it goes, you both live on the planet called Earth still. People get together, break up, get together, find love, loose it's a cycle. Everything that happens in out lives has reason, and this thing will take you to something better. If you really like her, and she does you, you will get back together, but first let her go! :) You are young, let her go, believe me if you let her and not contact her, and keep you cool, she will try to reach you, but you have to be strong and when she does it to tell her that you can only take her for good, no games :))

[Imabadman]

You need to get in the right frame of mind about your situation.

It's over.

The relationship is done. The fat lady sang, the quaterback is toast, or any other way you want to say it. It's over. She's gone and her thoughts and reasons don't matter. What matters is her actions and those actions were to leave you. You don't walk away and leave someone you want to be with, period.

So now what, what do you do? Just stop. Stop everything that involves her; thoughts, hind sights, guestions, cares. When you find yourself thinking of her tell yourself, "NO". Don't allow it. Avoid any/all contact until your stronger emotionally and can be indifferent. Let it all go. It's painful, it'll take work and determination but you will come out the other side smarter, better adjusted, and ready to deal with your next relationship.

[sickoflove]

You guys are absolutely right. I am just in denial. She is not the girl I used to be in love with. I am just in love with the memory of her. It is silly to think I can somehow change her mind or change her back by bothering her about the whole thing. It hasn't worked the last few months, so why would it work now.

[Imabadman]

I am just in love with the memory of her. It is silly to think I can somehow change her mind or change her back by bothering her about the whole thing.

Been there myself my friend. It takes time. Nobody said life would be easy, just that it would be worth it.

[talaniman]

Originally Posted by sickoflove
I am just in love with the memory of her.

I have a lot of those myself, of many exes, its was always great when it was good.