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robertsqueen · Mar 21, 2007, 07:04 AM

For those of you that know me, know that I am pretty vocal about being a molested as a child from my brother. Well last night my brother who is truck driver came into town. We all had dinner as a family and everything was okay. Well my son got dirty so we put him in the bathtub to play while we finished eating. The kitchen is right beside the bathroom and the door was open. Now what scares me is that my brother went into the bathroom to play with my son... while my son was naked. :confused: I know that what happened to me happened a long time ago. I got upset and went to get my husband outside. I didn't say anything to my brother because I didn't want to make a big deal about it. Although I was very upest inside. :( So then after my sons bath my brother wanted to take him out to his semi to show him. I made my husband go with him... and my mom got upset with me. My question is... Am I making this a bigger deal then it should be... or do I have a right to worry?:confused: As you all know I am very protective of my son... he is my world and I would never want him to go through all the pain I went through after being violated like that. :mad: Also my brother only seemed interested in my son and no one else... is that strange?

urstruly85 · Mar 21, 2007, 07:16 AM

You do have a right to be worried. Although what happened to you was in the past you never know what could happen now. Did your brother ever go for help? Maybe he should talk to some one. He could have just been intrested in him because that is his nephew and kids are very fascinating. I would sit down and talk to your brother. And let him know how he feels. And your mother has no right to get upset.That shows it was okay for your brother to do the things he did to you. And your mother should have gotten him help.

ballengerb1 · Mar 21, 2007, 07:19 AM

You are not out of line to be worried. Abusers do not grow out of it and your brother needs to be confronted.

vlee · Mar 21, 2007, 07:21 AM

I'm unsure how you can sit at a table with him after what he has done? I certainly would never leave him alone with my child if I were you. I would be worried too. Was he sexually abused as a child? Most child offenders are also victims.

phoenix1664 · Mar 21, 2007, 07:28 AM

Well as you said you are protective of your son and no one would expect anything less I think you are not doing anything rong you are just protecting your son.

I am sorry for what happent to you and I think you are doing the right thing looking out for your son.

He sounds a lot like my brother and talking to someone helped him.

robertsqueen · Mar 21, 2007, 07:32 AM

Yes. He was sexually abused as a child. And he didn't just molest me but he raped me. He did that from the time I was two until I was six. He got put in a boys home... but he never once apoligized to me... and he is very rude towards me. What scares me is that I am aftaid he is going to try to hurt my son to hurt me. Like he tried to hurt my dad... by hurting me. My family really won't accept it happened or talk about it. But I just think that given the circumstances it was very inapproate for him to go into the bathroom with my son... exspeacailly since he was naked. Then when I went to get him out he acted scared. My mom says that it happened and its over... but I don't think it is... he can't see his daughter and won't tell us why. It just really scared me.

vlee · Mar 21, 2007, 07:33 AM

I'm more worried about you than your brother... have you talked to someone? Have you ever confronted your brother? Sounds like you may have to confront your mother too.

robertsqueen · Mar 21, 2007, 07:35 AM

Yeah I have gotten treatment. I still get nightmares about it... only its not me he is touching but my son. I have treid to talk to both of them and they seem to understand... I talk to my husband about it though and that really helps.

kp2171 · Mar 21, 2007, 07:36 AM

I'm sorry that I haven't read your other threads.. will do that next... but just walking in here without more info, I think you are in the right frame of mind.

I don't know whether you have had a talk with your brother about what happened or not... and your mother getting upset seems to indicate she might have some idea.

You know if something happened that you would blame yourself. It would tear you apart. So your mother getting upset is worth doing what is right. She's in denial or she's transferring guilt.

I do think kids and adolescents can do things when they are younger that don't necessarily translate to the adult mind. But in a case like this, some extra precaution is absolutely fine.

You have to live with yourself. If you are overprotective and wrong some feelings might be hurt. If you are right, a child's life is being protected.

I think you handled it well.

vlee · Mar 21, 2007, 07:39 AM

I am very sorry to hear that. There is a family near me that has had a similar situation and all the adults want to sweep it under the rug and won't get help for the victims, nor do they keep the victimizers away. I am so so sorry. You are grown now, and can take control, and no one has the right to ask you to forgive or trust your brother, or to allow him near your son, especially at bath time. I know you don't want to cause trouble, but forcing your mother to face what you have been through and letting her see that it is NEVER really over isn't you causing trouble. It's you taking control and feeling empowered, and it's you cleaning up the trouble someone else has made. Stand firm on this one, no matter who gets upset.

kp2171 · Mar 21, 2007, 07:49 AM

You asked why you feel so bad hurting him...

Well... he is still your brother and you still care about him, just as you still care about your mother who refuses to face reality.

You, unfortunately, get to do the heavy lifting here. You're the parent. Its up to you. So you will bear the weight of caring for your child as best you can, and you will bear the guilt of hurting your brother or your mother. Up to you to be stronger than all of them.

grammadidi · Mar 28, 2007, 06:32 PM

RQ, I think that if your brother is going to be around you and your son then you and your husband need to talk with him privately and tell him that he may NOT be in a room alone with your son at any time. If he violates that even once then you should NOT participate in any family events with your son present if your brother is there. Your brother should NOT be allowed in your home at all. Your family are all in denial... not just about this, but about everything bad/negative. You need to stick up for yourself and your son and stop it NOW!

I have been raising a little girl for 12 years who went through similar circumstances to you because people wouldn't listen. It has destroyed her. Don't allow this to happen to your son.

Love, Didi

robertsqueen · Mar 28, 2007, 06:36 PM

Thank you didi. It is just hard to confront my family...but I really feel that I need to talk to my brother. He never apologized for what he did...and I honetly don't think that he is sorry. I know that I need to protect my son, and I am going to talk to my brother. We have tried to bring it up but everyone says it happen so long ago. I would never forgive myself if it happened to Bay...he is my world.

Parajr · Mar 28, 2007, 06:54 PM

I can only offer my opinion, because I can't begin to put myself into your situation. They say that you are suppose to forgive, but he would not be in my house or near my kid. I'm sorry but you have to do what it takes to protect your child, that is the bottom line. Until you have resolved the issue between you two don't allow him into your home.

Megg · Mar 28, 2007, 07:55 PM

Personally, people make mistakes and can chage. Its possible your bro is sorry and feels ashamed and sorry, but too afraid to say it. It's possible he wants to be an uncle to your kid. If it were me, id talk to him about it. Why did he do it, is he sorry. If he is sorry and feels bad, he shouldn't be punished for life for a mistake. I'd let him see the kid, just not naked. I would follow or have someone keep an eye on him, but to not allow him to see or play with the kid is a bit harsh. Ppl make mistakes as big as this is. My dad touched me in wrong places when I was in 7th grade. My mom didn't know what I meant so she never got him to come clean. To this day no one know's. It happened once, but I remember. Its done. He never talked about it again and nether did I. I was even touched by a guy in 5th grade. IN school while we watched movies. I didn't realize it was bad. So I know some of what you may have been through. BUT people can change. Good luck.