Thank you to those who have replied. 'Net is a great place shout with anominity. 5 months is very short. But the feelings were intense and I tried so much harder than I did with the girl I was with for 3 years, or any of the others. There are many people in this life that we could be compatible with. With whom we could have a long relationship with. I have been with people whom I knew it would end - shortly, and others whom I knew it would end, just not when. And others yet with whom I could see possibility. She had the most of any person I've met. And, like all everyone who reads this, I have met many. We progressed rapidly and even she was thinking about long term. That frightened her she said. That was something I thought about. But the next year was far enough for me. There's a few years between us and at different stages in life. She was special. Its always difficult to separate fantasy from reality when you're in love. But she really is a beautiful, smart, strong young woman. I always had a thing for singers and dancers.
Logically you are all correct. And I know that if I want to have a second chance I need to keep a distance and let her decide. Only she can decide to come back, willingly. All I can do is keep the door ajar. But I will go see her this weekend. Pick up some belongings left behind. Tie loose ends and such. But ah emotion do make one act irrationally at times. I was never one to give up silently. In this case my only option is to be mute. But does give me time to ponder, contemplate, decide, wait and act. The most important thing here is the lessoned learned. The ones that scar you tend not to forget.
Peoples wants and expectations are not static. In a relationship they are ever evolving. But I was too self involved with work and myself to listen enough, I would say. Work is demanding. It was perhaps too demanding. A position with less responisbility would have helped. I would have needed her less and had more time for myself and time for herself. Instead too much importance was placed on the relationship. But if given the chance to choose between the two I would have chosen her in a heartbeat I can't fault her. She had faults, but in this scenario even I think she did the right thing for herself. I hate it that I can empathize.
Deep down I feel as though I deserved it. It was far too good. Perhaps subconsciously I sabotaged it. My comeuppance. If this happened a couple of years ago my first reaction would be to go out and shag everything in sight. But that idea just doesn't excite me anymore. It sickens me. The world lost its colour. Everything seems to be a struggle. And I feel empty and small. My problems are insignificant in the scheme of things. I even tried my hobbies but they just don't excite. Pfft that's my problem. Whether if be work or my life. When I commit to something I give everything. Overexhaustion and burnt out. You can't keep that star shinging forever, now can you.
I now realise that I wasn't the best partner. There are things I could, no, should have done to make her more at ease. A relationship should not be tense. I am a hard, hard man. I strive for an ideal that is unfair to expect from others, while neglecting other aspects that are equally, if not more, important. The lesson comes too late.
The rules of dis-engagement.
To know the solution to the problem is one. To follow through with said solution is another. I want to see her, but I shouldn't. I will and in doing so will probably end any chance. But I have to hear the words spoken from her lips. Unfiltered by electronics and gadgetry. I need to experience it firsthand. The break up with the girl of 3 years was over the phone as well. I'd walk the earth, but I must hear it from her. I must experience the feelings she feels. There are two people hurting here. And, as much importance I want to place on my own, I cannot. Hearts are both delicate and fickle at times, unwaivering and steadfast at others. Its important to feel loved, but, at the same time feel free. I got the first bit right, and I know/must have failed miserably in the other. I feel nothing but goodwill towards her. She never harmed me. Or manipulated me. She was herself. Honest to the core. If it is at all possible, I think I love her more for it.
After reading an excellent post by SouthernBelle06
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...eak-94746.html
I can't be friends with her like she asked. I have feelings that go beyond the platonic. I desire her. Want her. Want to to make her happy. But I _must_ respect her space and I could not do that by staying friends. I could not do it as lovers. It would only bring unhappiness to me and awkwardness to us. I cannot fathom what she is feelings. For they are as complex as anyone's. But she has already moved on. This is something she has thought long and hard about.