[nporterd12]

My boyfriend is 40, Im 30. Our sex life started amazing. Now it is down to once a week. I am at a point where I'm not ready to settle for this. I don't consider it a relationship if the sex is once every 2-3 weeks. We have talked about our feelings. I feel less attractive, non-feminine. Almost like a man. Although I'm 5'6" good shape attractive, in nursing school. He has admitted that he has had a low libido lately. This low libido has been for the majority of our relationship (past 10 months). Every once in a while I have an angry outburst and threaten to leave. He ends up in a panic and says he won't let me leave (we live together). He tells me that relationships go through phases and that it doesn't mean that at some point in time we could be having sex everyday. I have asked him point blank "If you are not in love or are not attracted to me-let me go. I don't want to live a life of celebacy." I've said I would rather be honest, since this isn't an issue I've experienced in the past. He says he'll go to a doctor.

About him. He's 40, very stressed with his job. Works out of state (he hates leaving) at the most 4 days/wk. He constantly complains about his job. He always brings his work home with him. He eats a high fat diet-is always eating out. A few times he has been physically ill from the stress. On top of that he drinks alcohol and is drunk at least 2x/week. And smokes weed usually on weekends. He also smokes cigarettes during the day.

I have told him that I need to be loved a certain way. I at least need sex 1x/wk. He says that he wants to make this happen and that he's willing to go to the doctor. His close friends who know of our situation tell me that they know he loves me and that his work life is really getting him down. But the sex we have is now not satisfying to me anymore. The last time I remember feeling satisfied is last July 8 mo. Ago. I don't consider it sex unless it's mutual. The sex has been in the same position for the last 10 months. Me on top. I think it's just easy for him. He's not good at getting me to . For me, a turn on is if the guy is turned on. That makes sex good for me-is being mutually wanting sex.

The good things about our relationship: He tells me he loves me, that I'm beautiful. I feel like he really understands me and we laugh all the time together. We have a good friendship as well. I can see a future together if he can increase his libido. We work well together-living together, sharing finances.

If anyone has any clues? I'm at my wits end... I'm not scared anymore to be alone if this doesn't get better. I feel like some other women can put up with this sex problem in a year if this doesn't change. I'm losing my physical desire.

How do I get my love life back?

[Alty]

I think you have to decide what is most important to you, sex or a relationship?

He's right, relationships do have their ups and downs. Stress can be a major factor in a persons libido, and the stress of his job and the added stress that you're not satisfied, well, this most likely has a lot to do with his problem.

Seeing a doctor is the first step, but good communication and understanding in your relationship is the next.

Yes, sex is important in a relationship, but it shouldn't be the most important thing. It sounds to me like sex is the major factor for you.

Love means accepting the person the way he/she is, not trying to change him. So I have to ask, if this situation doesn't get better would you be willing to accept it or is it a definite deal breaker for you?

If you can't be happy with what you have then maybe it's time to move on, for both of you.

[nporterd12]

Have you had this happen to you? I do agree with you about the ups and downs in a relationship. I have read many stories about relationships when a guy is not mutually expressing any sexual desire and it always seems to end up making the woman miserable. Every relationship is unique, but don't you think that without physical intimacy it's not a relationship? I became worried about this when my boyfriends libido took a dive 5-6 months into the relationship. So, with that said-it was a change in the physical portion of the relationship and it scares me. I've never had this issue with guys before. When I was 21 sex didn't matter at all to me. But now I'm becoming more comfortable with who I am as a person, career wise, relationship wise. I don't want to be involved in something that leads to nowhere. I will have to decide eventually...

[Synnen]

When I'm stressed with my job, not eating well and not having the energy for anything, you're damned straight I have no libido.

And my husband nagging me for sex makes my libido go even further away. Sex is the LAST thing I want to think about, the last "chore" I want to do when I'm tired, frustrated, stressed, and have gained weight.

Frankly, I'd be more concerned about the weed smoking (ALSO a libido killer), the drinking (ALSO a libido killer), and the lack af any action taken on his part to work on this in any way.

You're not communicating on the same level. He's hearing"I want sex, or I'm going to leave" and you're hearing "my job is more important than your sex drive"

You're SAYING that you long to have intimate touches and a connection on that level--but that's not what he's hearing.

He's SAYING that he's freaking exhausted, under pressure, and you're adding another "chore" to his list of things he HAS to do by nagging him for sex... but that's not what you're hearing.

By the way--"nagging for sex" doesn't mean you're harping about sex every time you're together--but it DOES mean that if you expect sex when ANY kind of intimacy is started, that it becomes a chore instead of something fun. A "command performance", if you will.

[Alty]

Have you had this happen to you? I do agree with you about the ups and downs in a relationship. I have read many stories about relationships when a guy is not mutually expressing any sexual desire and it always seems to end up making the woman miserable. Every relationship is unique, but don't you think that without physical intimacy it's not a relationship? I became worried about this when my boyfriends libido took a dive 5-6 months into the relationship. So, with that said-it was a change in the physical portion of the relationship and it scares me. I've never had this issue with guys before. When I was 21 sex didn't matter at all to me. But now I'm becoming more comfortable with who I am as a person, career wise, relationship wise. I don't want to be involved in something that leads to nowhere. I will have to decide eventualy........

You're 30, you're nearing your sexual prime. He's 40, his sexual prime is a thing of the past.

You aren't even trying to understand his point of view, his needs, his stress. You've threatened to leave because you're not getting what you want.

You are adding more stress and you think that's going to help? It won't.

You're either with him because you love him and accept him, or you're with him for your next orgasm. Sorry to be blunt but that's the way it's sounding to me.

[nporterd12]

When I'm stressed with my job, not eating well and not having the energy for anything, you're damned straight I have no libido.

And my husband nagging me for sex makes my libido go even further away. Sex is the LAST thing I want to think about, the last "chore" I want to do when I'm tired, frustrated, stressed, and have gained weight.

Frankly, I'd be more concerned about the weed smoking (ALSO a libido killer), the drinking (ALSO a libido killer), and the lack af any action taken on his part to work on this in any way.

You're not communicating on the same level. He's hearing"I want sex, or I'm going to leave" and you're hearing "my job is more important than your sex drive"

You're SAYING that you long to have intimate touches and a connection on that level--but that's not what he's hearing.

He's SAYING that he's freaking exhausted, under pressure, and you're adding another "chore" to his list of things he HAS to do by nagging him for sex...but that's not what you're hearing.

By the way--"nagging for sex" doesn't mean you're harping about sex every time you're together--but it DOES mean that if you expect sex when ANY kind of intimacy is started, that it becomes a chore instead of something fun. A "command performance", if you will.

~Thank you for your honesty. I am 30 and sort of expected this area in my relationship not to be a problem so early in our relationship. I become worried that if I didn't initiate nothing would ever happen. I don't feel natural doing all the initiating. I just here about couples being more physically intimate at least 2x/wk and I wonder if this is a "red flag" never having him want me. I am not in it just for sex... it never became an issue until it fell off the board all together. I do not consider what we do intimately as fulfilling. I feel that it's about me doing all the work, receiving no pleasure. He's in a hurry barely a participant. I do believe sex is essential in a relationship for 2 people who are relatively healthy. I do get what you are saying about "command performance". I am just afraid that if I never initiated we would go a year without sex. You are lucky that your husband initiates.

[Gemini54]

He's 40, very stressed with his job. Works out of state (he hates leaving) at the most 4 days/wk. He constantly complains about his job. He always brings his work home with him. He eats a high fat diet-is always eating out. A few times he has been physically ill from the stress. On top of that he drinks alcohol and is drunk at least 2x/week. And smokes weed usually on weekends. He also smokes cigarettes during the day.

Er, that about says it all I reckon.

My husband is 50+ (and although he is stressed in his job - ain't we all these days?) he is a vegetarian, jogs daily and drinks a glass or two max. His libido is incredibly strong, and I'd say he's still in his sexual prime.

In relation to your BF I suspect that lifestyle changes are required - by all means visit a doctor but drinking, stress and smoking weed don't make a good combination. Something has to give, and in his case, it looks like it's sex.

You may have to meet him half way on this...

I have told him that I need to be loved a certain way. I at least need sex 1x/wk.

... relationships are about give and take - telling him what you 'need' ain't going to make it any easier for him to get it up - in fact, the opposite, I imagine.

If he's willing to go to the doctor, decrease the booze, eliminate the weed and do something constructive to reduce the stress (like exercise), then why not go along with him?

He sounds worth keeping.

[kp2171]

His current lifestyle, demands, and stressors are, as already mentioned, more than enough to play a major role in this.

That doesn't mean you need to accept it. You get to demand for yourself what you need.

But... after discussion and talk and time... if nothing changes and he isn't making an effort to change things... then you don't get to stay and complain about it.

Long term... you choose to stay, you accept your choice.

And that in no way gives him a free pass to neglect you if he wishes to stay with you...

[smoothy]

Between the stress... the diet, the booze and getting stoned on weed. I'm not surprised he has a low libido. Any of those on their own will do it, combined it just guarantees it.

Personally, I'd walk away from anyone who uses drugs recreationally. They ALL cause problems in the long term if not the short term.

You deal with life on its terms... or you deal with it without me in it. And yeah... I have walked away from women... some damned atttractive too, because of their drug use in the years before I got married.

[slapshot_oi]

My boyfriend is 40, Im 30. Our sex life started off amazing. Now it is down to once a week. . . The last time I remember feeling satisfied is last July 8 mo. ago. I don't consider it sex unless it's mutual. . .

If you've been dating for a while, once a week isn't as ridiculous as you make it seem. The second statement is the real problem; it's the quality, not the quantity.

. . . I have asked him point blank "If you are not in love or are not attracted to me-let me go. I don't want to live a life of celebacy." I've said I would rather be honest, since this isn't an issue I've experienced in the past. He says he'll go to a doctor.

You have accomplished nothing with those words but bruise his ego and put the relationship into question. You have a right to the pursuit of happiness, but it isn't fair to assume that all that is wrong in the relationship is his fault, putting all the pressure on him. If you don't want to live in a life of celibacy then leave, like kp said, you chose to stay.

If I were him I would be expecting you to leave me any day now, I would be so unmotivated to do anything.

[SimpleguyJoe]

Synnen and others have pretty much already nailed it. His lifestyle choices are obviously affecting his libido and possibly performance?

Sex is a great stress release but we wouldn't be posting here if you had no problem getting that. I would honestly look into getting each other more active, going to the gym may not be for everyone but it definitely MELTS the stress of day to day life away for me. Another positive about this is that it will undoubtedly raise his testosterone (as testosterone determines strength building and muscle mass to an extent) as he gets into it therefor increasing his sex drive.

Also eating healthier should be something you two should look into tackling together. Fatty foods per say shouldn't affect your sex drive but they definitely don't get the body what it needs to keep a healthy libido saturated "so to speak" as they lack many of the vitamins you need to really keep a healthy sex life alive. To be honest a low sex drive could be as easy as taking a good multi-vitamin high in your b series vitamins (3, 6, 12) as they promote higher energy levels and a more active libido due to the stress they can help control.

Just work on getting your foundation back under your feet and the sex will come naturally, the way it should be. I think he really just has too much on his plate.

Also smoking weed is probably KILLING any idea in his head about putting forth the required effort to really deal with his problems. But none of what I said really matters if he is not willing to change himself or at the very least take care of his own physical and mental state.

As far as the communication advice previously given goes, it's pretty solid, so I don't think I can add there.

[nporterd12]

[QUOTE=SimpleguyJoe;2280115]Synnen and others have pretty much already nailed it. His lifestyle choices are obviously affecting his libido and possibly performance?

Sex is a great stress release but we wouldn't be posting here if you had no problem getting that. I would honestly look into getting each other more active, going to the gym may not be for everyone but it definitely MELTS the stress of day to day life away for me. Another positive about this is that it will undoubtedly raise his testosterone (as testosterone determines strength building and muscle mass to an extent) as he gets into it therefor increasing his sex drive.

Also eating healthier should be something you two should look into tackling together. Fatty foods per say shouldn't affect your sex drive but they definitely don't get the body what it needs to keep a healthy libido saturated "so to speak" as they lack many of the vitamins you need to really keep a healthy sex life alive. To be honest a low sex drive could be as easy as taking a good multi-vitamin high in your b series vitamins (3, 6, 12) as they promote higher energy levels and a more active libido due to the stress they can help control.

Just work on getting your foundation back under your feet and the sex will come naturally, the way it should be. I think he really just has too much on his plate.

Also smoking weed is probably KILLING any idea in his head about putting forth the required effort to really deal with his problems. But none of what I said really matters if he is not willing to change himself or at the very least take care of his own physical and mental state.

As far as the communication advice previously given goes, it's pretty solid, so I don't think I can add there.

Thank you for your advice. He is a very good guy. Treats me good in many ways-we are always laughing together, go skiing, go out to dinner or concerts/dancing. From all the people (not many) I've dated he's the one that I feel knows me the best and compliments me.

I really like getting opinions from both male and female perspectives. I was afraid the men would be saying "he's not interested" because he's not wanting sex at least 2x/wk. I just interpreted this part of our relationship (limited sex) to be a BIG ISSUE because I am so used to men wanting it all the time. Sex was the 1st thing on my last boyfriends mind. I never wanted sex with him in the end, because I was no longer in love with him. So I compared my relationship to that one. I do agree with the libido killer's (stress, alcohol, cigarettes, weed, no exercise in past year (of any form except few x skiing), and high cholesterol/high fat diet). I suppose I have to make a big decision for myself about whether to accept his unhealthy lifestyle and limited sex or to be single again. I would prefer to stay with him if he can be healthier. I just don't want to be married and 2 years from now have a kid and the sex life becomes non-existent. I see all these people walking down the street with like 3 kids and I think to myself "they are doing it" He says he'll go to the doctor... I don't relate to this, because I try to work out, don't smoke, if I have more than 2 drinks I get a headache or throw up.

Thanks for the honesty.

[lailababy]

I don't want to sound argumenative but I'm frankly sick of anyone who puts the blame back on you. Women have been told for centuries that it is their responsibility to satisfy their men or accept the consequesnces of their men finding a woman who will. Now I don't agree with that, nor do I think you should go out and cheat, but for pete's sake you have the right to expect sex and expect him to figure out what the freakin problem is! If the tables were turned everyone would be giving you suggestions on how to be sexier, how to seduce him, how to basically sacrifice all that you are for the sake of the relationship. Well I say, let him do the work and figure it out or risk losing you.

I am in the same boat. Going to my therapist tonight because I'm so exhausted and defeated from failing to get the sex I need.

[smoothy]

You did notice this thread is 8 months old and the OP only has 8 posts in all.

[lailababy]

Well it still let's me express myself and talk things out for myself. That's really how I use forums anyway, don't you?

[chocolateemamii]

I think you have to decide what is most important to you, sex or a relationship?

He's right, relationships do have their ups and downs. Stress can be a major factor in a persons libido, and the stress of his job and the added stress that you're not satisfied, well, this most likely has a lot to do with his problem.

Seeing a doctor is the first step, but good communication and understanding in your relationship is the next.

Yes, sex is important in a relationship, but it shouldn't be the most important thing. It sounds to me like sex is the major factor for you.

Love means accepting the person the way he/she is, not trying to change him. So I have to ask, if this situation doesn't get better would you be willing to accept it or is it a definite deal breaker for you?

If you can't be happy with what you have then maybe it's time to move on, for both of you.

I most definitely agree with you

[Synnen]

These are NOT chat forums.

This is a question and answer board.

Please do not resurrect old threads. Your posts will just be deleted and the thread closed, so it is a waste of your time anyway.