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    What do I do about my abusive son?

    Asked Mar 15, 2008, 10:34 AM ó 10 Answers
    I am nearly 72 years old. My husband passed away 4 years ago since then my son 29 year old who lives at home has got in to a lot of debt, and he is also very aggressive to wards me. I don't know what to do? He brought a big dog over a year ago and now I have to look after it, I find it hard to go out I don't feel I have my own life any more.

    Last edited by chill00100; Mar 15, 2008 at 10:48 AM.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,015, Reputation: 7676
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    #2

    Mar 15, 2008, 11:03 AM


    Let me see, you are the mom, tell him NO, if he lives with you, and it is your home, kick him out. If you are watching a dog, tell him to take it away, or call animal control to come get it.

    You have to take control of your situation.
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    FeelSoNumbZombie's Avatar
    FeelSoNumbZombie Posts: 129, Reputation: 10
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    #3

    Mar 15, 2008, 11:18 AM
    You can as well, contact the Department of Social Services if you feel abuse has been made against you. Adult Protective Services can also be an intermeadiary system for you in the event of any fears you may or may not have when it comes to adult children living with you. It also sounds as if you should consider therapy on dealing with difficult people in your life. Especially, if there is no respect within the household. Or no boundaries. I believe communication is the key. Effective communication on your part. Without hostility. Whether it is spoken or unspoken. It may save your relationship with him in the long haul. Before something errupts.
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    chill00100's Avatar
    chill00100 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Mar 15, 2008, 01:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
    Let me see, you are the mom, tell him NO, if he lives with you, and it is your home, kick him out. If you are watching a dog, tell him to take it away, or call animal control to come get it.

    You have to take control of your situation.
    Thank you for your reply, It isnít easy to say anything to my son as he loses his temper, he has a very short fuse. I am frightened of him when he get in his rages and I am not sure of how to speak to him with out setting him off. I have told him to get rid of the dog she is weimerana she needs a lot of exercise which she does not get, I have arthritis in both my hands my thumbs are bent backwards so I am un able to take her for a walk. My son work very long hours as he is a lorry driver.
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    chill00100's Avatar
    chill00100 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Mar 15, 2008, 01:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by FeelSoNumbZombie
    You can as well, contact the Department of Social Services if you feel abuse has been made against you. Adult Protective Services can also be an intermeadiary system for you in the event of any fears you may or may not have when it comes to adult children living with you. It also sounds as if you should consider therapy on dealing with difficult people in your life. Especially, if there is no respect within the household. Or no boundaries. I believe communication is the key. Effective communication on your part. Without hostility. Whether it is spoken or unspoken. It may save your relationship with him in the long haul. Before something errupts.
    Thanks for your answer. Its very hard for me as he is my son and I am frightened to what he may do to me. I don't feel safe.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,015, Reputation: 7676
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    #6

    Mar 15, 2008, 01:42 PM


    Well not sure what a wimerana dog but elderly deserve respect and honor,
    If he gets that angry, you may need to follow up with legal action to protect yourself.

    Since he drives a lorry, I will assume this is not in the US, so you may not have all the laws for protection of the elderly we have here.
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    chill00100's Avatar
    chill00100 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Mar 15, 2008, 01:51 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
    well not sure what a wimerana dog but elderly deserve respect and honor,
    if he gets that angry, you may need to follow up with legal action to protect yourself.

    Since he drives a lorry, I will assume this is not in the US, so you may not have all the laws for protection of the elderly we have here.
    Thanks again, I am from the UK not sure if there are laws for protection of the elderly.
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    FeelSoNumbZombie's Avatar
    FeelSoNumbZombie Posts: 129, Reputation: 10
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    #8

    Mar 16, 2008, 06:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by chill00100
    Thanks for your answer. Its very hard for me as he is my son and i am frightened to what he may do to me. I dont feel safe.
    Chi,
    If you don't feel safe, by all means please seek help. The Dept of Social Services maybe able to help you. Or at least guide you in what your options are. Even if anonymous.
    Have you ever considered moving? If he won't leave, that is.
    I know of a mother, whose son refused to leave. She sold her home and moved to a Senior living facility where only 55 yr olds and above could live. She states she feels as if she is on vacation, every single day of her life.
    She doesn't have the upkeep of the house anylonger. She can participate in all of the Senior activities or not as she wishes. And the relationship with her son grew closer.
    Once he was forced to provide for himself, he began to realize the value that his mother provided him all of his life. And basically, he grew up.
    He still continues to ask her for money. And on a limited income, she simply states, "sorry dear the new condo and my trip to England this spring makes me a little short", etc.
    It worked for her. I cannot see why it wouldn't work for you as well. But at times, every choice has a price. Memories for many. But memories are not realistically materialistic in nature. You take memories no matter where you go. With whomever you are with. And you can share those memories with anyone who is willing to listen. And be able to relive those memories within your mind and heart.
    Just some things to consider.
    At this time in your life, you should be dancing in the moonlight. Whether your legs can stand it or not.
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    purplewings's Avatar
    purplewings Posts: 145, Reputation: 24
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    #9

    Apr 5, 2008, 01:41 PM
    As a mother of 4 adult sons who have returned home to stay with me many times, I advise you to ask him to find his own place and soon. I've found that as adults, these guys want to be the boss - but as the bill payer and owner, I want to be the boss, so there is always some friction, even though we love each other. It's unhealthy for your son to be there and unhealthy for you at your age to deal with this. If you don't need his rent payments to live, just have a nice calm talk with him and explain that you need your own space, just as he needs his and then ask him to find that for himself. Even if he raises his voice in complaint, please don't let him push you into doing that. Stay focused and insist. Here in the US, we have to file and eviction order with the courts if someone has been staying with us and refuses to leave. It doesn't cost more than a few dollars and is done quickly. Usually the son will leave without that being done but sometimes they threaten that they won't so you need to know your options.

    Once he's moved out you can re-establish your relationship as mother and son in the way it needs to be.

    I wish you well. HuGs
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    zenomorph's Avatar
    zenomorph Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Apr 20, 2012, 07:37 AM
    My Mom is 83. Twenty years + Mom is verbally abused & annoyed by her (now 50 yr old) son, who does not work. She is of sound mind except where it comes to him... she is deathly afraid of him... BUT will not ask him to leave or kick him out because she feels he "can't survive on his own". So, she puts up with him, cries, shakes, locks herself in her bedroom and breaksdown during his daily hours of harassment and attempts to control her. I have tried 3 attorneys and gotten absolutely nowhere. He's been removed by police several times, arrested, jailed, etc. HOWEVER, the crazy laws allow him back into the home as long as the homeowner (MOM) allows it. I'm her son, POA and take care of all her personal affairs, financial and the home maintenance. I am desparately trying to help her. To gain guardianship, she needs to be determined incompetent but she is not incompetent. I am trying to establish if I can be awarded guardianship based on her "incompetency to protect herself from her abusive son." Anybody who has incite here, other than "kick him out", your input is welcomed and appreciated.
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4599
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    #11

    Apr 20, 2012, 02:56 PM
    If your mother won't cooperate, no, there is little you can do.
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