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You are doing what you can, I am proud of you and these are some very good things Gem.

There are two things I would like you to think about which may cause some unnecessary stumbling.

One is...

I see you have reclaimed some of your power, Gem! I am just delighted for you. Keep building on each victory and let the failures slip through your fingers like sand. So far so good -- you've done...

Spot on Chuff!

It is because alcoholics (who are like overeaters only with booze) tend to drink over being overwhlemed that the slogans of AA are so effective:

Live and Let Live
Easy Does It...

This is good and I understand about being scared. But look! You've now done two things -- posted to this site and called and retrieved relevant OA information. Good for you! But you don't have to go...

You are welcome and there is only a limited amount that can be done here, so be mindful of that too.

It sounds like you've retreated from your real life into a fantasy world as much as you can....

I understand how one thing leads to another and before you know it, you are being squashed by the whole mess. Its important to find the beginning and take steps about that one. It can pay off so well...