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Im not even worth saving

Tonight my mom told me to go die every fiber in my body wanted to. I asked god more times than I could count why he couldn't just take me. How am I even still alive, I wish more than anything in the...

Okay will do but I don't think I will be able to go on internet while in treatment. So if I don't respond for a while you'll no I was in treatment.

Well I'm sorry for disappointing you. If it makes you feel any better I am calling my eating disorder support group specialist on Tuesday to hopefully go to treatment.

Why?

And if I don't call?

And If I do call and I give up with my cutting and suicide and eating what do I have control over? Nothing, I have nothing once I stop

If I call I'm giving in , I'm becoming part of a pathetic generation, If I want to die there's nothing anyone can say to make me even question my thought. The only thing I would get help for is my...

I didn't call but I think I should have. I am so tired of hearing my mom say that I am the reason why her and my dad are fighting and why she wants to leave him. Seriously that just proves everything...

OK

Everything I seem to do to try to help myself causes my mom problems. I will call Wednesday if I am still feeling this way.

And cause more problems for my parents?

I'm not suicidal right now I feel it throughout the day and a lot at night or when I'm alone

I keep on hearing my mom say that I'm ruining her and my dad. That I am destroying them. I feel like absolute . I want to just leave so I don't hear that anymore. I don't know what to do. Suicide is...

Okay I'm going to call Tuesday

[what am I supposed to say?

What's that?

That I need to stop I'm to pretty to do that and I need help but they didn't get me help.

I talked to the nurse and the Counselor today, I felt like I was going to pass out from not eating so I went to the nurse not expecting to tell them about my eating but I did and so they told the...

Haha okay :)

Will do thank you for everything

Okay

Tomorrow what?

So I don't wait?

Yes
I don't know what to expect but I will. Now I'm not saying this as an excuse but you don't think I should wait until after schedule changes and after they get settled in before I throw this on...

Okay

I feel like me doing that just puts a burden on the school to get me help. I don't even think I deserve help people are so much worse than me.

I don't think they will be able to help will they I mean I'm sure they are just going to call home and they will let my mom take care of it

What am I supposed to say I throw up and I need help?

Why?

Yes

Umm she's just not going to be around much now
And what do I say I just go up to the office and say I need help..

Who do I even talk to, to make an appointment

But I just started school today and my parents don't even know the severity of it I was going to tell my mom but she's not going to be here anymore.

I think I am going to treatment within the next few months

No its not. Im okay and I'm trying the goldfish and tic tacs out I feel like I wouldn't purge as much

I feel bad not doing it for you because you have been there when I was depressed and you have given me great advice and I want to do it for you but I don't think I'm bad enough to get help. And plus...

Well I am just starting to find a grove with my purging and the laxatives. I am going to be fine I'm not bad enough to get help. I would love to get help when I need it.

Question: how many laxatives is to many, for 1 dose?

Because my mom is afraid I will take medication from their houses or take razor blades from their houses or laxatives from them. Its not fair Im going to do the things I am weather I get the meds...

I want to be able to not eat and not feel guilty that my mom is mad at me for not eating and I want to be able to do things I want to with my friends and I want to go inside my friends houses.

No like I have control over who I want my friends to be. I have control in my life its just not as much as I wish I had.

Well I have control over my cutting and laxatives and my suicidal thoughts I have control over my school work and my friends that's all though.

I have control over how much I eat and if I want to eat so I have some control.

I eat way more than 1 goldfish maybe I am just a purger.. if there is such a thing. And I don't know if I am bad enough to need help.

So I'm confused I thowup almost everything I eat but I eat more than a gold fish am I or am I not bulimic? I will talk to one of my teachers but what if I'm not bad enough?

Its just that school starts on the 29th and I don't want them to have to deal with this along with planning their classes.

I will continue to post here this has helped me so much.

Ive already talked to a teacher and I don't want to tell them and bring them into this. I would feel bad if they had to deal with this to.

I have realized that I do need help. I purge now 5-6 times a day and I don't want to anymore. I don't know where to go for help.