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    iamarcin's Avatar
    iamarcin Posts: 72, Reputation: 4
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Mar 9, 2006, 09:39 AM
    Would you recommend marrige
    I'm 22 will finish school next year
    Still living with my mother and brother and now fiancÚ in ny
    My mother just recently got a divorce with my father
    I was born in poland and have lived there for the first 10 years of my life
    She is 28 and not a us citizen so that is one of the reason we want to marry this soon
    The problem is that this is my first real grilfriend
    I have beed going out with her for 15 months
    The only girl that I had sexual relations with and they aren't as good as I would like(im not shure about how important that is to me)
    I do find her psisicaly attractive but we share very few comon likes which seemed like there were more at the start of this relationship
    She wants the marige I don't want to rush it
    My friends are advising against marrige but not that strongly
    My mother is supportive and is friendly with my fiancÚ
    My father is very unsupportive but I don't appreciate his advice because of the other choices that I saw him make
    I don't want to break up because I think this could be the one but I am worried that in a couple of years I will see it diferently
    Like as if I didn't have much to compare
    I don't enjoy dating
    I hate formality like wedings which is why I want a small one and she agrees
    I want one kid but in about 3 years she want one soon

    Any advice would be appreciated
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
    Uber Member
     
    #2

    Mar 9, 2006, 09:43 AM
    Don't do it

    You are not ready

    Period
    iamarcin's Avatar
    iamarcin Posts: 72, Reputation: 4
    Junior Member
     
    #3

    Mar 9, 2006, 09:45 AM
    Please don't misread this as rudeness but that does not help much
    How do you get ready
    If I dump her that's it
    Please leaborate more
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #4

    Mar 9, 2006, 09:46 AM
    There's just too much uncertainty. And don't even talk about wanting a kid in 3 years. Find the relationship that is right first.

    You say she might be right. You are not sure. Please, please, please... don't marry to save somebody. Don't marry because of a rush. Don't marry because of pressure.

    You're not a bad person for not wanting to make a big mistake. She might be the one. She might be a great person.

    You are simply not ready yet.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #5

    Mar 9, 2006, 09:49 AM
    There isn't a checklist for when you are ready for marriage.

    For me... id dated for some time. Id even dated a girl I thought id marry someday, but didn't.

    When I knew... I knew myself better, I knew this person was great, I knew that all of the things that were important we saw eye to eye on, or close enough.

    But I didn't feel rushed or pressured. There was a comfort in the idea of marrying her. It seemed like the right thing to do inside, not because id lose her otherwise.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,928, Reputation: 674
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Mar 10, 2006, 07:02 AM
    Hi, iamarcin,
    I was married for the first time at 24, she was 19. After 7 yrs of marriage and two small children, I was divorced. Three years later, married a wonderful woman, now married for 29 yrs. I am 64.
    At 24 yrs old, had a Bachelors Degree, had a job, and was ready for marriage.
    You notice I said "had a job, and was ready", but it still didn't work out.
    You are 22 yrs old, still in college, no job, and thinking about marriage? To a 28 yr old woman? Who isn't a citizen of the US?
    Please think about the questions I just listed above. They are ALL against you getting married now.
    My advice is to wait. Finish school, get yourself a job, learn some about other girls closer to your own age. After a year or so, and if you both are still in love, then consider marriage with her. I do wish you the best.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #7

    Mar 10, 2006, 07:28 AM
    I agree.

    Marriage, even a great one, is work. Sometimes very little work, sometimes it takes all you have.

    If you put all of the things into the mix... the pressure, the uncertainty... its just a recipe for frustration later.

    Not easy to hear, I know. But just don't think the circumstances are very stable or supportive of such a big step.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,305, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #8

    Mar 10, 2006, 07:49 AM
    If you are not ready to be married, you should not be living with her and having sex. ( only difference is a piece of paper)

    You are making emotional ties when you continue to see someone and have sexual activities. And if you don't want to live with her then don't
    orange's Avatar
    orange Posts: 1,364, Reputation: 197
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    #9

    Mar 10, 2006, 10:28 AM
    To add to all the great things that have already been said, I also think that you should be living on your own (not with your family) and supporting yourself before you consider getting married. This is especially true if you plan on having children. Children cost a lot of money, and someone will have to pay for that! Plus, your wife will likely want her "own space", and not want interference from your mother or siblings. I know I wouldn't.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #10

    Mar 10, 2006, 11:06 AM
    I don't advise anyone to get married before age 25. The human brain is not fully developed until age 25. Things ca nchange drastically in you life in 3 short years. I'd wait - you also many unanswered questions. You'll know when it's right.

    I understand her urgency. Please make sure she isn't using you to stay in the good old USA. I don't know all her details - but, people use other people to marry just to stay in the US.

    Hey, and you sound unhappy ALEREADY over the sex. It can be a huge issue going forward. It can and usually does get better IF you communicate.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #11

    Mar 10, 2006, 01:18 PM
    - still living with my mother and brother and now fiancÚ in ny

    - not a us citizen so that is one of the reason we want to marry this soon

    - the only girl that I had sexual relations

    - they aren't as good as I would like

    - we share very few comon likes

    - I don't want to rush it

    - I am worried that in a couple of years I will see it diferently


    Again, all reasons to not marry now... and I didn't see this the 1st time, but did you call her your fiancÚ at the beginning? Are you actually engaged to be married?
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #12

    Mar 10, 2006, 06:42 PM
    It sounds like you're very unsure of yourself right now. That being the case, I'd refrain from making any kind of major, life-altering decisions whatsoever regarding marriage, having kids, career move or whatever. It is totally unfair to the other people who'd be impacted by such decisions, first and foremost your fiancÚ. Give yourself a couple of months to think everything through and decide for yourself what course you want to pursue. Decide on what's best for you, not what you believe others think or expect. You should tell your fiancÚ that this is what you need to do and put your engagement "on hold" for a while, giving her the option of breaking it off if she wants. Touch base with her again when you've sorted everything through and let her know what you've decided.

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