I am current turning 19. For a about 5 months I've been dating a 55 year old man and have engaged with him sexually. We are deeply compatible as far as sexuality and personality go.

Our only concern is the age difference. He worries about himself dying to soon or ageing too quickly to the point that he finds himself selfish for putting me in the position to be his carer in some years to come.

My concern is my fertility. I don't want to have a child now but if I don't soon - he may be far too old.

I also have concerns as to what society thinks. People at work know and understand that I'm an easy going person who easily and simply - " has a fetish for older men ".

Its very hard to hold hands in the street without getting looks despite the fact that I can pass for 25.

So tell me your thoughts on the matter. Be my devils advocate or simply comment with suggestions or opinions.

As long as your relationship is on an even footing, and you are an equal in every way, I'd say your relationship is very unconventional, but so what?

In terms of having children, this is something you need to sort out with him. What is the schedule you'll be happy with, that works with your life? 19 is very young to be having children. Depending on how serious you both are, there is also the option of adoption later on.

In terms of you being his caregiver at the end of his life, that is something that needs to be discussed later on, definitely not 5 months into a relationship.

You mentioned that you care about what society thinks -- why? Is this a major setback for you? If that's the case, I would spend some time reconsidering why I'm doing what I'm doing. Do you care because you innately think this is not healthy for you? Do you care because it makes life uncomfortable? There are lots of things that make life uncomfortable; why are you focusing on this one?

My concern is that you're asking a lot of very heavy questions so soon in a relationship that should really be at its "getting to know you better" stage. Have you met any of his friends? How have they reacted to you? Are you prepared for their reactions? How would he expect you to behave? What about his family? Does he have children from a previous marriage? Have you met them? How do you plan to meet them, or be introduced to them? All of these questions are more important than society and being a caregiver or when you'd like to have children.

I have a sense that you need to be more settled in your position before you take on those huge issues of raising a child and being an end-of-life caregiver.

That is a good point. I am asking a lot of questions at the " getting to know you stage" because quite frankly unlike other "conventional" relationships - there is more that must be thought about on a larger scale.

I care about what society thinks because I don't want him to be labelled as a dirty old man or me to be labelled as strange person with odd sexual habits.

The only thing I see wrong is having sex with a guy for 5 months, and thinking seriously about having babies with him. Wait until the lust has worn off, and see if he will be a good dad, but if he is a dad already, then his kids are older than you are. Heck his grandkids are probably almost as old as you are.

Don't worry about what society thinks, worry about yourself. He may not even be around in a year, let alone for life. He may find another young thing to have sex with.

You wrote:
Once again, this preoccupation of yours precedes getting to know each other on an even footing. Worry about your relationships with each other, including family and friends first. This is part of getting to know each other on an even footing. The society thing is something that you will have to deal with if you want to continue into the long-term. You cannot possibly control others' opinions of you, and frankly, why you care about the opinions of strangers is puzzling to me. I have a lot of gay and lesbian friends, and interracial couples who have to deal with all kinds of societal pressures, including intense family pressures, but society's opinion of them hardly ever factors as a large reason for pressure.

I think it is unhealthy. I recently got out of a relationship with a 36 year old woman, I am 19. And in the moment everything was awesome and she was the best girl I had ever found. Looking back at it now I have come to realize that people my age can be a lot more fun because interests and energy levels are the same, considering that I am now engaged to an 18 year old girl and very, very happy I'm pleased to say that although the older woman was fun and a very useful experience, I could not imagine spending the rest of my life with her.

Good luck,

Javi

Personally, I think it's strange. But if both of you are serious about the relationship, then you shouldn't care about what I think, or what the rest of society thinks because there's probably a lot of people that would be creeped out by the age gap.

There's other things you have to consider if you decide to stay in this relationship. Turning into his caregiver is a very real possibility. If he's healthy, it may be years still before he needs much help. But chances are you'll still outlive him.

And if you decide to have children with him (if you're worried about infertility he should talk with his doctor), and him dying before they've grown up is a real possibility. And more likely than if you were to have children with someone closer to your own age. Or, you may end up caring for him, and your children all at the same time, which would be especially stressful.

I would worry less about what people think though, and more about how this could all play out and what risks you are really willing to take.

I read somewhere by a wise owl to date them all, old, young, short, tall, fat skinny... etc.

Consider this part of your dating/life experience on your way to find 'the one'.

You're young and vibrant, I wouldn't give a rats what society thought, it's your life right? Enjoy it, learn from it, don't get caught in what you believe is a lifetime commitment. You've a lifetime ahead of you. Use it to your advantage.