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    MarieLee89's Avatar
    MarieLee89 Posts: 19, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Aug 31, 2009, 09:39 AM
    Woman stay in abusive relatioships.
    I was wondering why, I want to help out a friend and she can't tell me herself why she stays with this man. She says it is cause she loves him, But he is a danger to her children just by being the way he is with her. I have seen first hand the psychological and emotional stuff he puts her through, calling her scum and worthless. He turns the situation around from what I hear about the physical stuff, making her feel guilty and telling her it is all her fault. She comes to my house always prepared with what sounds like a viald excuse for the marks and bruises for any company I may have at the time. She calls to vent to me but I have no idea what to say to her.
    Is there anyway I can talk some sense into her or something I can see that might make her see the situation?
    I am thinking there is some "battered person syndrome" going on. But how can I help her without her ending up losing her kids?
    Her mother tried to help(along with her brother and sister) but she just turned around and lied to the cops saying nohing was wrong. Now her family no longer talks with her.
    WHAT CAN I DO!? :confused::confused::confused::(
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #2

    Aug 31, 2009, 09:51 AM

    She has to want help from the outside. If she doesn't want help you can't force it onto her.

    What you can do is express your concerns to her and let her know that you will be there to support her if she needed help. But it's still her choice what she wants to do.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #3

    Aug 31, 2009, 09:54 AM
    Your friend must repeat must leave this scumbag at once.great that you stand by her. Her family apparently abandoning her is awful.she could go to a shelter, the police etc.men like him kill women.she must think of her children.do all you can to make her understand the gravity of this situation.
    MarieLee89's Avatar
    MarieLee89 Posts: 19, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Aug 31, 2009, 11:34 AM

    I forgot to add that when I spoke to him he said it was his right to hit her. If she acted like a child he would treat her like a child, and some how that means beat the crap out of her. Really worryed for those kids too.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #5

    Aug 31, 2009, 11:57 AM

    He has no right to hit anyone.all abuse be it physical emotional or verbal is w r o n g.
    When did you speak to him?
    MarieLee89's Avatar
    MarieLee89 Posts: 19, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Aug 31, 2009, 12:03 PM

    Coule days ago, after his last incident with her. It seems like every time she has healed from the last incident whether it be from bruises or blood, he does it again .
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #7

    Aug 31, 2009, 12:44 PM

    This has got to stop.could your friend stay with you?
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #8

    Aug 31, 2009, 01:05 PM

    He's being so unreasonable. She's not a child, she's his wife. He's suppose to treat her like a wife.

    Your friend should STRONGLY consider calling the police on him. Have you suggested this to her?

    Let her know that she has options. Let her know that she's not trapped.
    MarieLee89's Avatar
    MarieLee89 Posts: 19, Reputation: 2
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    #9

    Aug 31, 2009, 01:18 PM

    I have plenty of times and she says that if she does she will lose her kids. Somehow he has her convinced that if she calls the cops, she will be put in a nut house or something
    MarieLee89's Avatar
    MarieLee89 Posts: 19, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Aug 31, 2009, 01:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by amicon View Post
    this has got to stop.could your friend stay with you?
    I would say yes but I am leaving to see family in another part of the country. And she ha refused to come with
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #11

    Aug 31, 2009, 01:24 PM
    She s not going to lose her children.she NEEDS to lose this pondlife man.
    chikiemonki's Avatar
    chikiemonki Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Aug 31, 2009, 01:48 PM

    Ugh that's awful

    I'm saying as a child raised in a very similar situation.

    The cops would never take child away from her, only the abuser. I wish she would just get out of the relationship for the kids. To this day I feel very hurt by the fact my mother didn't take me out of the situation quicker and protect us. The kids are getitng exposed to far to many awful things. Sadly I don't think my brother will ever get over what we went through.

    There is always a way out and many organization and people who devote their lives to helping people in situations like this.

    Maybe if she went to a meeting at the women shelter she may feel differently, seeing that she is not alone and that she can and should do anything to get out of that situation. If not for herself, at least for her children, they are the biggest victims in all this, they have no control over the situation

    My heart really goes out to her and I really hope she finds the strength to do what needs to be done
    Survivor07's Avatar
    Survivor07 Posts: 380, Reputation: 143
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    #13

    Aug 31, 2009, 01:52 PM

    As the saying goes, you can't help those who won't help themselves.

    That being said, she chooses not to help herself, but her kids can't choose. They need help.

    Suggest to her that her non-action is, in a way, abuse and neglect on her part.

    She needs way more help than you could ever provide. I applaud your wanting to try, but she needs to be in a women's shelter. That would be the first step. The next would be to have him completely removed from her and the children's lives.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #14

    Aug 31, 2009, 08:17 PM
    Why don't you contact a Women's Shelter? They are used to dealing with these situations and will be able to advise you.

    I'm not sure where you live, but in Australia there are also 'help lines' for people experiencing domestic violence - if the same thing exists in your area, I am sure you can ring and ask for assistance.

    I can assure you that no-one will take her children away from her. They will remove the abuser not the abused!
    katyb's Avatar
    katyb Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    May 14, 2012, 03:36 PM
    I agree with Gemini, and that the children will stay with her not the abuser. She is codependant on him , part of her is attached to the bully as her self esteem is so low she is grateful for any attention from him.
    She will not want to disrupt the children by leaving, but she must for all their sakes.
    When this happened to me I packed the things away , bit by bit so he didn't know they were gone or missing, then left in the middle of the night whilst he was asleep.
    I literally did not look back. I started over and it was the best thing I did.
    Get her to start packing away possessions, get her to start looking at benefits or Shelters.Not to make an instant decision, but to take it one step then another

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