I need some advice please... I'm 31 years old and just got out of a relationship that I've been in for the past year with my friend J. Both J and I have been married to other people before and gone through really bad divorces. J and I grew up together and have known each other for 20 years but just found each other again a little over a year ago. At that time we were both getting out of relationships with people that were the first for each of us to date after our divorces. J had been with this one girl on and off for 2 years and she had even lived with him. During those 2 years she left him 3 times, each time to return to her ex boyfriend. This past year she has been back with her ex but they just split again here a couple months ago. J was always honest to tell me that he really loved this girl and couldn't quite get over her. We were taking things really slow and building off our friendship. We even started a little business together to make some extra money. About a month ago I noticed he was being different and distant. I finally asked him a couple weeks ago what was going on and he told me that they had been talking on the phone and he felt like he needed to give her another chance (number 4!) He told me that he had to know for sure whether it was ever going to work. He said this would be the last time he gave her a chance and if she leaves again it will be enough for him to have his closure. Maybe I'm wrong but I can't see that this girl actually loves him, if she did she would have never left in the first place and even if she had to to figure out her feelings she should have known after the first time. But she's left 3 times to go back to the same person (who by the way does not get along with J). So is it just me, or does it seem more like she uses J to make her ex jealous in hopes he'll come back. Does anyone else think she'll leave him again? By the way, the last time she came back she was only there for 3 days before she left. J and I never really talked about us or our feelings till this all ended and he told me that besides this girl, I'm the only other person he could see spending his life with, and that he knew I was better for him then she was, but couldn't help that she had so much of his heart. He said it wouldn't be fair to me for him to start a relationship with me when so much of his heart is somewhere else... He said he didn't want to think of me dating someone else but couldn't ask me not to considering what he's doing and that if it wasn't to work out with her he knows he's taking a chance that I may be with someone else and that he may end up kicking himself for the rest of his life then. He has even said that he KNOWS he doesn't make the best choices in life. The thing is that I really do love him. I believe God brings people into our lives for a reason, a season and a lifetime and I've told him that too. That our ex spouses where there for a reason to give us our sons and then this girl would be his season, she was there to pick him up after he lost his family and then there was me... it's just weird how we were able to reunite after 13 years. And J even told me that he's a firm believer that if we are meant to be we will be, that it will all work out that way eventually. In a backhanded way it's like he knows it won't last with her, but he's not admitting it to himself. I've asked him numerous times if she's promised him that she is back for the right reasons this time and to make it last but he can never answer that all he says is, "I believe in MY HEART that we will spend the rest of our lives together"... well I thought that too about my ex husband, but things do change and the heart has a cruel way of fooling you sometimes. And he even followed that up with "I know you'd love to tell me I told you so some day"... How can he think that way and then still talk about me being there for him and all that stuff, for example I said something to the effect of "what am I supposed to do sit and wait for a year before she decides to leave again" and he came back with "why do you say a year, why that long, the last time she was only back for 3 days, so why you think a year?" I had just thrown that out there, but he was so snappy about it and that is what I mean by backhanded belief there (how do you believe you'll be together forever, but then not think she'll be there for even a year), does that make any sense... can anyone on the outside reading this tell me what you think? Do you think she'll leave and we will get a chance? Please help... I've been so lost with out my friend and it's all I can think about.

Can anyone help shed some light to my situation? I do feel a little better after talking to J's roommate. He knows this girl and told me that it's a "crap shoot" only a matter of time before she leaves. It's just still hard to get through each day that he's not here

What I would do is go NC and let him do his thing, then maybe after a while he will start to miss you and maybe feel in his heart you are the one. Really though let him deal with everything that is going on. You wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him right now anyway, you would most likely be a rebound. He seems very confused about what his heart is telling him right now, so you don't want to be caught up in that. So give him time let him deal with everything, let him get a clear mind and then maybe he will see that you're the one if he truly loves you. But don't just sit there and wait for him because it could never happen, move on with your life also.

Reality and fact- Neither of you is ready for a healthy relationship, and I think its unrealistic to think you have a future with someone who hasn't dealt with his own past, in a healthy way.

What's troubling about you, is your false hope, and willingness to be a rebound to someone who hasn't moved on to a healthy place yet.

Leave each other alone, and at least YOU heal, and get healthy, and happy.