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snoop22 · Jan 11, 2009, 08:57 PM

My girlfriend and I had been dating for a year and a half. Thanksgiving day, on our way home from her grandparents, she told me her mom thought that she should be single while starting college so that she could make new friends and focus on herself and her studies. She was reluctant but then decided her mother was right. She wanted a break and at first we were still intimate but now we aren't so much because it makes it harder for her to spend this time on just her and not with me... I need to know what to do? She continuously tells me she loves me and cares about me and that she still wants to marry me and have children with me but that it will have to wait a little while. Do I trust her? And what advice do you have? I know that everyone's relationship is unique and you don't know us personally, but when I look into her eyes I can read her like a book, and I know she still loves me and cares. What do I do?

kctiger · Jan 12, 2009, 06:15 AM

She wants to be able to enjoy the "college life" and not have to worry about hurting someone. Simple! Once she finds someone at school to replace the emotional support you give her, you are out of there man, sorry to say.

My advice, do your thing, and let her do hers. You guys clearly do not have a relationship anymore, and to try and pretend like you do is unfair. If she really wants to make this work, she can. I dated someone from their high school graduation to their college graduation, and NEVER once did she want to end it because she wanted to be single in college.

Romefalls19 · Jan 12, 2009, 06:57 AM

She wants to experience college life with no strings attached. She does love you and doesn't want to hurt you but at the same time doesn't want to miss out on the things that she wants to do. Just give it time and space life she requested and start building your life without her, as she is doing without you.

snoop22 · Jan 12, 2009, 08:46 AM

So you're saying that there is no chance of winning her back? She still calls me and texts me everyday... And she still gives me little kisses and that stuff and we still hang out at least once a week, sometimes more... I guess I can see where you guys are coming from but I was thinking there was some hope? Am I wrong to think that? And as for doing things with my life, I've already started. The gym, school, friends, and I picked up some new hobbies already...

snoop22 · Jan 12, 2009, 08:51 AM

Although this last week and a half we haven't done anything because of school and other things going on in our lives. But at the same time I thought giving her the space she asked gor would be good so I stopped texting and calling and it was a couple days and she called crying because she thought that I let go and that I was going to move on... So yeah?

talaniman · Jan 12, 2009, 09:13 AM

So what are you going to do? What is she going to do? Are you both going to go against family and stay in a long distance relationship?

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

If your not discussing these things then your not doing what your supposed to.

Is it possible she is only staying together with you until she goes to school??

People your ages change and life comes between you, so someone has a decision to make for the good of you both.

Talking may get you answers, but they should be based on FACTS, not just feelings.

Ignoring the inevitable would be a disaster.

jmw0713 · Jan 12, 2009, 09:17 AM

This is a tough one. Her mom has potentially already planted the seeds of destruction here. Not to say that she should not listen to her, or that she is to blame for this, but parents have extreme influences over decisions younger people make.

I remember back, my ex's mother told my ex kind of the same thing about half way through our relationship. My ex and I had just got into a huge fight. I ended up leaving her house because I was so upset. She was crying because of the fight, and her mother told her that maybe she should be single for a while to see what she really wants in life and to find herself. So we went on a break, it lasted 2 days maybe. She called me later on day 1 crying saying she didn't want to loose me and I told her that she needed to respect my feelings more about the particular situation we were fighting over... blah, blah, blah.

Well after this "break", it seemed like my ex was constantly re-evaluating our relationship and meeting new potential suitors. Not to say that I hated her mom or she had anything to had anything to do with it, because I loved her whole family, but it definitely had an effect on our relationship and certainly introduced more unneeded "confusion" and uncertainty.

Now I am not saying that this was the reason for our break-up, because there were other factors that weighed much more heavily than this, but I know that it didn't help and certainly put the idea in her head for later.

snoop22 · Jan 12, 2009, 09:48 AM

Well for starters, we both planned to go to school close to each other, less than a half hour drive, and it seemed that at my not get admitted... Now I got accepted and we'll be close. And I don't know if she will go against her mom because she has stated that she is continuously trying to please her mom and can't ever seem to do it... As for her mother, I think that she has influenced and pushed this break up very hard. But I'm not going to blame anyone for it actually happening.But every time we talk she seems to hint that she's going to regret this decision and that she thinks she might be making the wrong one. But then her ma tells her that she has to be strong and stubborn and stick this out and that if it's meant to happen it will... Any other ideas or advice?

snoop22 · Jan 12, 2009, 09:58 AM

She also says that if she ends up like her mom and one of her mom's friends, that regret getting married young and not doing the wild child thing in school, then she wold probably regret not making this decision for a break too... I feel like maybe I should tell her that if she doesn't love me enough to try and make it work that I think we should just stop the process and go on... I know I love her and I do feel that she loves me. I've been in relationships before that involved the dreaded "break." But this one doesn't seem the same. It feels she is being totally honest with me... I'm just at confused time in my lfe right now...

talaniman · Jan 12, 2009, 10:03 AM

I would leave her alone, to make her own decision, without your influence.

I have seen many who stay because of those strong feelings, only to be confused later by talking and keeping in contact with a partner, and not defining the relationship, or the reasons for staying, or leaving.

Your both at a crossroads and the only decision to make is do you proceed together, or apart.

Don't just be carried away by feelings, or the fear of losing a partner, as you both have to work for your own future also.

Did you read the link I gave you?? Those are some good topics of discussion to make things a bit clearer.

If you can't work together, then it will show soon, and you'll be apart any way.

snoop22 · Jan 12, 2009, 12:48 PM

So ultimately what you are saying is that I should keep contact to a minimum for now? And see what happens? Because I've thought about that ad the result is one of two things, absence makes the heart grow fonder, or out of sight, out of mind... And I worry a bit because she's always reading between the lines and overanalyzing things. So I've thought that maybe she'd take it the wrong way if I did that and she might just turn and walk away? I know that I should just be happy that we spent time together and it was great! But I don't want to lose her either... I know it basically comes down to her decision based upon how she feels at a given point in time, but it doesn't make it easier... And on top of all this, I had bought her a ring just before we ended up on this break. I was going to give it to her on New Years... Ha. You can see how that went. The problem is that the only person that knew I bought the ring blabbed because they couldn't believe she was being so stupid in asking for this break. So she knows and she told me not to return it because she says she knows that we'll be back together in due time... Ahhh! Anyway I find it comforting knowing that there are people I can talk to such as you guys. I appreciate the advice given and even the support. I take everything that's said into consideration. I may not like it but I do listen to all ends of the spectrum. I'm just looking for a way to share my feelings and vent, and still get some advice...

snoop22 · Jan 12, 2009, 12:56 PM

Oh, and I did read a lot of the posts on the link you sent me talaniman. Thank you for that... And I've also read about a lot of other peoples situations and feel like I shouldn't even complain... We have never fought, had a great intimate relationship, became friends, and even helped each other through some rough times... But non of that makes the feeling of rejection subside. I know that I'm not old by any means, but I've been rejected before and that was after 3 years and took me another 3 years to finally turn her down when she came back to "use" me again... I don't really feel the desire to date anymore if this doesn't work. I just feel that the feelings I have for her are never going to go away... I pretty much know they won't. I'm in love with someone who is either unsure of how she feels about me anymore, or loves me and is just unsure of the decision she should make... I'm trying to take everything with a grain of salt. I also feel I need to continue to trust her and trust that she's being honest because she's never been dishonest with me... I hope that it doesn't backfire... Wish me luck

talaniman · Jan 12, 2009, 01:05 PM

I wish you much luck, and your understanding of her feelings may not make the pain go away, but will help you later in making the right decision for yourself, and ultimately her also. She is confused, and conflicted, and has a decision to make for herself, and her future.

Do I know how hard it is to go through this, kind of makes you feel helpless to do a darn thing. Sometimes we just live with what is, and keep going.

When does her school begin?

snoop22 · Jan 12, 2009, 01:23 PM

I'm already going to school. She'll begin school this coming fall... She has said that she doubts this will last until then and she doesn't think that she'll be able to cope with not having me in her life that long, or even by summer. That's why I'm not sure if I should avoid contact with her as much as possible or contimue to keep it this way... And we aren't far away from each other as of now and now we won't be far away from each other when she starts school either. And she heard through the grapevine that I am going to lunch with a friend, who is a beautiful girl, and called me up saying how it was a slap in the face and a wake up call but wouldn't explain herself. And she also called that night at four in the morning crying because she dreamt that she lost me in an accident and couldn't stand the thought. And has called on several occasions saying that I need to understand that she still loves me and completely cares and that she is worried I'm going to go back to my ex who seems to be trying to hover around these days... These are the things that make me think that she really does care and truly does love me and want things to work... Do you know what I mean and where I'm coming from?

talaniman · Jan 12, 2009, 02:05 PM

I sure do, so read that link and see what needs to be talked about. Sounds like she will be insecure in a long distance relationship.

snoop22 · Jan 12, 2009, 05:14 PM

Yeah I thought that too... But she knows that it won't be long distance now. It's almost like even though she feels bad and has all these feelings for me, she's being stubborn and selfish, and is going to stick it out... At least for a little bit. What can I do to open her eyes or is therer nothing. I'm not the type that likes to feel helpless! I don't know anymore. Things are no longer keeping my mid occupied. Playing basketball, lifting weights, none of it... I know I don't want to, but maybe I should just give her an ultimatum? All of me, or none of me type of thing. What are your thoughts on this?

talaniman · Jan 12, 2009, 07:09 PM

Ultimatums never work. Express some honest feelings, and see if she feels the same, and if not, then do what you have to. There is no need to just have things go all her way, as you have a stake in this also.

Either you work things out, or go your own way. What's the hurry though, give it thought. Acting impulsively on just feelings, is as bad as giving ultimatums.

snoop22 · Jan 14, 2009, 12:56 AM

So I have been attempting to not initiate any conversation with my ex... But when I don't initiate it, she does. I don't always text her or call her back right away even. But when I don't, the first thing she does is ask me if she did something wrong? Like she doesn't know. Ha, just kidding. But tonight she called me and told me about her day and what she did... Which is fine. But then she decided she needed to make me feel jealous. She mentioned that she saw a couple of guys that her and I both know at Subway, and how they complemented on how hot she looked, etc... Which naturally pissed me off! So she let me go and told me she was going to text me before bed... The next text I got said I hope that what I said about the comments I got today for looking good for once didn't upset you dear... Say what! I didn't have time to respond before she was sleeping because I didn't hear my phone go off. But I'm so confused. Why does she feel the need to make me jealous? And is it a good sign that she is continuously contacting me? I also don't know if I should be honest with her about how I feel, especially when she does these things, or if I should just keep it to myself for now?

snoop22 · Jan 14, 2009, 01:28 AM

Also it came up today that she wanted me to know that she still wears the rings I bought her... They weren't expensive but more of the artsy type of rings, but they were what she wanted. She wears one on her right index finger and one on her wedding band finger... Also she still wears the watch I bought her and says she still loves it... Does any of it mean anyhting?

Yosomoton213 · Jan 14, 2009, 01:31 AM

Hahaha her game is very shallow my friend.

She's wanting to get a rile out of you. That way she knows she can still pull the strings to get to your heart and emotions. Get past these emotions and see this as for what it is... a game to feed her ego, to let her know she has power over you.

And you're going to have to learn to accept the fact that guys are now going to try to get with your ex, and that your ex can now do whatever she wants. However, so can you, and I'm sure you will get some attention in a few days, if you haven't already. Be patient, stick it out, and be prepared.