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    christinecook's Avatar
    christinecook Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 16, 2019, 01:23 PM
    Where do I stand in this relationship?
    I have been dating a guy since the last 4 months. Both of us are in our late 20s .He has never been in a relationship in the past and he is someone who has a personality disorder called alexithymia (not a chronic alexithymic) where he has issues expressing emotions (only love and jealousy). So he has never loved anyone other than his mom. He is always very logical and he has almost no place for emotions in his life. We never labeled our relation because we both need time to see where this goes and for the most part things were going pretty well. In the beginning, we used to have a lot of arguments on his emotional unavailability and then later i figured that he is a certain way because of the way he was brought up. The arguments led us to break up twice or three times but we talked about it and gave it another chance. Since the last one month, things were really good. We hardly fought in the last one month. He spends time with me mostly on week days (at least 2 or 3 days). He comes to meet me after work and we just chill at home. I have been wanting to go out over weekends just because i didn't want to be a f*** buddy. Once in the past we made a plan to hang out on a Saturday and then he decided to go out with some of his friends who came to meet him from out of town, the very last minute. that was one time we broke up and got back later, which was 2 months ago. And then another time, we had fought and couldn't meet over the weekend. The weekend after that he already had made plans with his friends so we couldn't meet. And then the last weekend we were supposed to meet and on Friday he says that it is one of his friends birthday and he got free tickets for a game and that it is for just three hours and that he would meet me afterward. I got annoyed and we had a light argument too but we went out on Sunday (it was a rainy day though), because he promised to meet me on Sunday and kept his word. It is my birthday today and I had been telling him to plan something. We planned for a weekend getaway and he also booked airbnb accommodation for this Saturday night. So the weekend was for us and I was so looking forward to this. Yesterday he sends me a text saying, his friends want to meet him on Sunday so may be once we are back he will go meet his friends and asked me what time we would be back. I got really annoyed. I was like 'can't you just keep two days for me'. And he got annoyed saying he didn't make any commitment to his friends and that he was just asking what time we were going to be back. I probably overreacted a bit because for me this is my birthday weekend and his 'last minute plans taking priority' has been going on since a while. Out of anger i said just go ahead and cancel the booking. However, he didn't make any plans with his friends. After some time I get a message from him saying he canceled the booking because his company asked him to do some door to door sales in two nearby cities and that he had told them that he has plans for the weekend, but then it is a pretty important thing for which he couldn't say no to. I got really disappointed and got so emotional and sent him multiple texts about where i stand in the relation and how i am treated like a door mat every time. It was also over texts and that caused a lot of miscommunication as well. For which he said he has always spent a lot of time with me and that if he decided to spend time with someone that person is important to him, and that i am just not understanding his situation and that i am being dramatic, and being more demanding. He was like this work thing came literally last minute and that he had no other option. So i asked him, if he would make up for this, for which he answered that he doesn't know and probably not in the near future. Clearly he got annoyed with my emotions. He also said my crying and emotional text messages turned him off so much. So i was basically labeled as an emotional crazy b****h because for him the least of emotions is too much to handle considering his different personality. Usually when we are good, he himself finds time to come and spend time with me at home, he helps me with things like groceries, or fix my computer etc. If i ask him to not watch a TV series because i want to watch with him, he waits for me to watch. He is too logical a person. But most of the times i have felt that he cares, through his actions. But the cancellation over weekend when it happened too many times, i lost my control and moreover it was my birthday too. After we had this arguments over texts, he told me that he can't deal with my emotions and that it has happened in the past and that he is done with this. Honestly i don't think it was a lot of drama, because for me it was my birthday. And he is someone for whom birthdays are not important and he has told me a couple of times not to celebrate his birthday or spend money on buying gifts. But since i was too excited about mine, he was willing to take me out and he was definitely determined to treat me well and then this unexpected situation comes. He broke up with me, didn't come last night to cut a cake which he had promised before, nor did he wish me on my birthday. I felt really bad for not canceling the plans, but for not being sensitive enough to not ruin my birthday by breaking up with me, or at least wishing me on my birthday or by not being sensitive enough to reschedule the plans so that i feel important. What should i do? Am I being dramatic here? We are compatible in every other aspects - views about life, about marriage, about kids, sexual compatibility, religious views etc. Am i holding on to something that is not worth it? Since he is not emotional, he can easily move on, though I have felt that he really likes me. Or is it too early for me to have such expectations out of this relation that we haven't labeled yet?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,884, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    May 16, 2019, 02:12 PM
    A promising dating experiment that fizzled. Yeah I know it looked so good/felt pretty good at times, most dating experiences do, but with this level of chaos AND break ups, you should certainly give yourself the time and space to gain control and objectivity back. He dumped YOU so why bust your butt to get back with him? Naw, take the time for YOU that he didn't have the time and inclination for.

    You gave it a try for a few months, it didn't work for whatever reasons, but I bet you learned something, like maybe be cautious making a person a priority when you are just an option, or giving your heart to someone that doesn't deserve it or know what to do with it, or (YES another OR!) maybe your interest in him was much greater than his for YOU.

    Whatever the case, he dumped you, so after all those break ups maybe you take the hint and take care of your own emotional needs and stop expecting him too, as clearly he doesn't have that capacity, nor is he willing too. I mean 4 months and some honeymoon period huh! It's not supposed to be that hard. You may have expected to much, too soon, but obviously he was not ready, willing or able to handle it.

    Leave him alone.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,761, Reputation: 5426
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #3

    May 16, 2019, 02:41 PM
    Was he formally diagnosed with alexithymia or is this just his (or your) explanation? He doesn't seem to have any trouble understanding and responding to others' emotions.

    Emotions will be part and parcel of the rest of your life with him -- in marriage, parenting, religion, sex, even grocery shopping. You feel like he really likes you. I gathered from what you wrote that you are the one trying too hard and he isn't trying at all -- or as my mother would say, "Boy, he is trying, really trying -- and pushing all your limits!"

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