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    tomorrowman_2002's Avatar
    tomorrowman_2002 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 15, 2006, 09:32 AM
    What would you do?
    My wife and I have been married almost 20 years and have 3 children. Our marriage was happy until this past year, when my wife had an affair and then realized that sex with other men excited her. She has an older man, actually quite a nice guy who is also married. They get together every couple of months for sex. Our sex life is good and she says it is fulfilling to her, but she likes the variety. Safe sex is always practiced and while I have not been happy about it because it makes me feel a bit inadequate, I have allowed her to maintain what she is doing.

    I have never bene with anyone else but my wife. Yep... I was one of those wait till marriage guys! My wife has offered for me to find a partner of my own as a "special friend"... but I have never taken her up on it. In my eyes, I have been faithful to our marriage and have not wanted anyone but her.

    In the past few days, I have been chatting with a neighbor down the street. (all of us are in our 40's by the way) She is in a horrible marriage with a guy who does not appreciate her at all. She has not been sexually active in a number of years as the husband shows her no interest and he goes on vacation to resorts like "Hedonism" all by himself. The woman and I have been chatting about the fact that we both have desired each other for a long time, but neither one of us have ever said anything.

    My question is... what should I do? What would you do? Remain on the sidelines while my wife plays... or become active with this woman who obviously desires me and has needs that I could help her meet?

    TW
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Feb 15, 2006, 09:39 AM
    Get marriage counseling for you and your wife, what she is doing is not right. For her to opening be unfaithful ( and for you to allow it is beyond me) is not a healthy relastionship.

    You being unfaithful and perhaps destroying someone else's marriage is not right.

    Also does the man she is cheating with, does his wife know all about the affair he is having.

    So my answer is no, you should try to save your marriage, if you can't, sepearte and start a new life that does not involve someone else's wife
    phillysteakandcheese's Avatar
    phillysteakandcheese Posts: 973, Reputation: 356
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    #3

    Feb 15, 2006, 10:02 AM
    Your wife was unfaithful. She broke your trust. She cheated.
    In my book, that’s a deal breaker.

    I wouldn’t try to “help” your neighbor. You already feel bad enough with yourself for letting your wife’s affair go on, how do you think you will feel if you start cheating yourself?

    If you are both resolved to making your marriage work, the affair must end and both of you must go to counseling. You can probably work through it as long as both of you are committed to doing so.

    If I were in your shoes though, I would end the marriage. I know you have a 20 year investment, but I find such behavior so disrespectful that I simply couldn’t continue in a "true" relationship with that person.

    If your wife had talked to you and both agreed on some kind of adventure, it might be a different story. When she’s broken your trust in her, you’ll always have that suspicion that she’s doing it again. And you’ll never be happy.
    lilfyre's Avatar
    lilfyre Posts: 508, Reputation: 98
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    #4

    Feb 15, 2006, 10:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
    Get marriage counseling for you and your wife, what she is doing is not right. For her to opening be unfaithful ( and for you to allow it is beyond me) is not a healthy relastionship.

    You being unfaithful and perhaps destroying someone elses marriage is not right.

    Also does the man she is cheating with, does his wife know all about the affair he is having.

    So my answer is no, you should try to save your marriage, if you can't, sepearte and start a new life that does not involve someone elses wife
    You will not get a better answer than this one!
    CaptainForest's Avatar
    CaptainForest Posts: 3,645, Reputation: 393
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    #5

    Feb 15, 2006, 12:16 PM
    Don't cheat with the neighbor. That will only make you feel worse.

    Try counseling with your wife. If that doesn't work, then its time to leave.

    And why you agreed to letting her have an affair is beyond me.
    nwsflash's Avatar
    nwsflash Posts: 530, Reputation: 73
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    #6

    Feb 15, 2006, 12:24 PM
    You need to put your foot down and stop your wife being screwed by this guy! Don't lay on the floor and get walked all over!! You say there having SAFE SEX, how do you know this is true, are you there ?????

    As capainforest said stay away from the neighbor this will just lead to a lot more problems, and it would be good for you both to seek counseling... But you need to get her to stop cheating, no wonder you feel inadequate letting her cheat and sleep around with you knowing.
    DrJ's Avatar
    DrJ Posts: 1,328, Reputation: 339
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    #7

    Feb 15, 2006, 01:03 PM
    This is very interesting...

    OK, I only skimmed over the other answers because I assume they all say the same thing... Im going to go out on a limb here, since there are not likely many "swingers" in here and give the "other" side. (and by the way, no, Im not a swinger lol)

    However, there are many people who are in healthy relationships that venture out and have sex with other people... this isn't exactly cheating. It is a common interest in both parties: two people who love each other dearly but have sexual desires that extend outside what we feel is a natural relationship.

    At first, she went behind your back.. that was wrong. But she is being open about it now and is trying to make it a part of the relationship.

    You seem to be okay with it and are toying around with the idea of venturing out yourself.

    First, let me say, that this other woman, who is married, is NOT a good choice. It is not fair of you to break up her marriage for your fun. If she wishes to engage in such a thing, she will have to end the marriage herself BEFORE ever getting involved with you.

    But if you are interested, look around.. check out the internet. There is a rather large community of swingers and people that are open to this lifestyle.

    We could argue the morality of this all day but that is not the issue here... Im not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't believe. You seem to have already made your mind up about that.

    Is the man that your wife meets married? Or with someone else? If so, maybe this woman would be a good person to go to.

    It comes down to this: Are you going to open up your relationship to this? If it is not strong enough, it WILL destroy it. Are you strong enough and are you sure SHE is strong enough?
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #8

    Feb 15, 2006, 03:37 PM
    This IS HORRIBLE.

    I agree 1000% with father Chuck.

    This is A FORM OF ABUSE BY YOUR WIFE.

    THIS IS A DEAL BREAKER.

    Personally - I' WOULD leave her. Ask for a divorce. SHE IS WALKING ALL OVER YOU. SHE IS CHEATING ON YOU.

    This is very unhealthy - especially for a 'nice guy' like you.

    DUDE!! HAVE A FREAKING SPINE. TELL HER THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE - WHICH IS IS!!

    SHE TOTALLY HURTING YOU!! I don't believe yo uare OK with it.

    This other guy sounds like a MASSIVE CREEP!! Ughhhh!! Who the hell is this guy and why don't you punch his lights out?? This YOUR freaking wife and you ALLOW another guy to have her?? SOrry Dude - but you are get walked all over.

    YOU NEED to work on your confidence - tel lyour wife under to end it now or you leave. Period, end of story.

    What is the matter with you?? "He's a nice guy" - sure he is a nice guy to you - he gets bang YOUR wife.

    FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GROW A FREAKING SPINE WILL YOU!! PLEASE!!

    I am so freaking angry over this and it's not even my wife. I'd put that ho in here place in abut 5 seconds after I emptied the bank account, moved out, and found a GREAT divorce attorney. AND that guy would take a beating for thinking it was OK to have another mans wife - not really a beaten, but something drastic. That guy is scum and your wife is a ho.

    Your wife is complete trash - she should have divorced you - then been with the guy. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #9

    Feb 15, 2006, 04:16 PM
    ALSO - once you move out and GROW A FREAKING SPINE... THIS WHOLE FREAKING TRIST Won't BE SO MUCH FUN FOR WIFEY HO. She does this because OF YOU!! She does it because she can. She does it because YOU LET HER!!

    Be a freaking man will you!! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

    Plus... YOU NEED A DIVORCE BECAUSE OF RIGHT NOW, YOU DO NEED TO EXPERINECE OTHER WOMEN. Forget this one.
    nwsflash's Avatar
    nwsflash Posts: 530, Reputation: 73
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    #10

    Feb 15, 2006, 06:10 PM
    SSssshhh wildcat your smoking LoL But HELL I agree with you 100%

    tomorrowman_2002 I would also say it maybe in your interest to get a full STD screening done, can you be sure its just the one dude she is screwing whilst your sitting home making here meals etc??
    educatedhorse_2005's Avatar
    educatedhorse_2005 Posts: 500, Reputation: 78
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    #11

    Feb 15, 2006, 10:47 PM
    Just think you are having sex with the same man your wife is because she brings him home to you

    So personnally if I found out my wife was cheating on me

    Out the door she would go because I don't need the std's that she will probable bring home to me

    It makes you wonder how many actual partners she and he has

    But does the guys wife know about the two of them
    Satira's Avatar
    Satira Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Feb 16, 2006, 06:13 AM
    I think you need to ask yourself... What do I want?

    If you want a traditional relationship based on fidelity and traditional values, then you need to leave the marriage. Your wife clearly isn't willing, and wouldn't be happy, with your need for a traditional life.

    If you're willing to explore the Swinging lifestyle and Swapping, then you should try it and see if it's the right life for you and your wife. But not with this other woman. One of the Main principles of the lifestyle is that everyone be open about what they're doing, that there isn't the dishonesty and sneaking around associated with infidelity. On line you can find swinging clubs and social groups in every city in the country. You and your wife should sit down, talk about your boundaries and rules and then go together! To check it out and speak to other people in the lifestyle. There are also a lot of on-line groups and message boards.

    Either way, you need to get into counceling (yes YOU, not your wife) to 1) figure out why you allowed this to go on so long without taking action of some kind yourself, whatever that Action might be -- and 2) to figure out what you really want and how to take action to achieve that goal.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #13

    Feb 16, 2006, 08:53 AM
    I got to tell this guy - it's not her - it's him. He let this happen. He let this happen because he is a 'nice guy' - YUCK. He has it in his head that's its OK for his wife to do this to him and its not. Its even 10 times worse because he knows the guy and calls the guy a 'nice guy'.

    Ughhhh - I am angry over this. Dude - you need massive help - go see a therapist now. Become a man.
    happybisaya's Avatar
    happybisaya Posts: 68, Reputation: 6
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    #14

    Feb 16, 2006, 09:33 AM
    Dear Tomorrowman,
    You are a good person, BE NOT LIKE THY WIFE. Divorce her properly, and find yourself a good woman who will only want to be with you and nobody else, then love her and respect her. The relationship you are in right now is NOT HEALTHY, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This relationship is NOT NORMAL, only animals do this kind of thing, even some animals don't do what your wife is doing to you right now. I don't think counseling would work, because you will always remember how she hurts you, and that one man is not enough for her. Good relationships really happen, it takes a lot of work from you and from your mate. Engage yourself in activities that you like, to keep your mind off this sickening situation. Take some night classes to better your chances of getting a good paying job, volunteer in church or in your community; doing so, you might just meet the woman of your dreams. Life is short, GET GOING ALREADY.
    blueiman's Avatar
    blueiman Posts: 158, Reputation: 5
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    #15

    Feb 16, 2006, 02:41 PM
    Let her go. She is not worthy of your love, trust, etc. bad situation to be in. married and messing around. No thanks. Maybe if you're single then OK. Do what feels right. Let her go fast...
    Sosdog's Avatar
    Sosdog Posts: 39, Reputation: 4
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    #16

    Feb 17, 2006, 01:40 AM
    This one is too weird for me. And everythings been said already.

    ...
    ...
    ...

    Nope. Can't think of anything else to add. Its your choice, if yourself esteem is so low that this doesn't bother you, I guess, uh... I don't know.

    Listen to the wildcat.

    Sos
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #17

    Feb 17, 2006, 08:49 AM
    This guy needs to come back and tel lus what's going going... I hope he has the balls to put his wife in her place... but, me thinks he is too weak to do this.

    I really think he needs therapy. I bet he brought up by women, maybe lots of sisters and they womanized him - happens to a lot of guys.
    VLynn123's Avatar
    VLynn123 Posts: 35, Reputation: 5
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    #18

    Feb 18, 2006, 09:17 AM
    Wildcat, that was harsh, but it had to be said.

    She is cheating, divorce her *** now. What's next, she's going to invite these guys over and screw them and let you watch. She has to respect for the marriage. If she wants to be a ho, don't stand by her.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,225, Reputation: 10853
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    #19

    Feb 18, 2006, 09:43 AM
    You made your mistake when you first gave your wife permission to go outside the marriage!Now you want to do the same.Bad move on your part.Tell your wife you've changed your mind about this arrangement and be willing to get out of this so-called relationship!I doubt she'll take this change of heart with anything but anger but stick to your guns! Either you have a marriage or not.The kind of marriage you have is up to you so have that talk with her and be willing to let her go!:cool:
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #20

    Feb 18, 2006, 12:47 PM
    I am harsh... but thisguy needs a massive wakeup call.

    He needs to step up and be a man. You don't ALLOW your with to sleep with another guy.

    He needs to document EVERYTHING. Divorce her... move on - your marriage is long over.

    I hope they don't have kids... it's VERY unhealthy for the kids as well.

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