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    What should I do? Guy help

    Asked Mar 4, 2012, 05:35 PM 5 Answers
    I just got out of a relationship with my kids dad for 7 years, which the cops got involved, in which most of the years I have been with him have not been good. He is the type of guy who thinks about himself, the type that puts you down, makes you feel bad, and has put his hands on me a few times.

    I've been unhappy for a long time, but I'm so confused. I met a younger guy at my job. I'd say a year ago. Since then we been going out. He is great. Real nice, takes me out, and he pays. When I'm with him, I'm happy. The times we are together its great, but when were not, I sometimes feel like I don't exist. He never really starts conversations, and I always seem to have to be the first to text. Sometimes it takes minutes, or sometimes it takes days to hear back. I just never really know with him. I really care about him but I'm not sure if its worth it?

    So in the past few day the kids dad has been trying to get me to take him back. He says he'll change. He doesn't want to be that Guy anymore. Says he getting help. He loves me.

    I'm just not sure what I should do? Should I pick one or the other? Should I get rid of both? Help!!

    Last edited by talaniman; Mar 5, 2012 at 01:24 PM.
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    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,692, Reputation: 1547
    Entomology Expert

    Mar 4, 2012, 05:40 PM
    In my experience, men like that do not change... they say they will, they may even actually mean it when they say it, but it doesn't happen too often. My sister went through abuse with her husband. He would beat her, say he's sorry, he'll change... they would get back together and it would start all over again. He almost killed her when he smashed the toilet (and broke it) with her head. That was when she realized it wasn't going to work.

    At the same time, I think you got involved with the other guy too quickly. Not good to get out of a bad relationship and jump right into a new one.

    My suggestion is you just forget about both of them, live for yourself for a little bit, and someone else will come along when you're really ready.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,253, Reputation: 10825

    Mar 5, 2012, 01:39 PM
    I think that you should be doing whatever it takes to heal, and rebuild yourself to be happy and independent on your own. That means in mind, body, soul, and spirit, and especially EMOTIONALLY.

    Trying to go from an abusive relationship, to one where this fellow is not in it to win it (nor should he be), is impossible without a lot of the proper healing you need. Have fun with others is fine, but stay out of any commitments for now so you don't fall into the EXPECTATIONS trap, and risk disappointments down the road when those expectations are to high to be reached, and UNREASONABLE given the time and situation you are in.

    I mean being a good supportive friend and coworker is hardly the foundation at this time to assume romance. Back away gracefully and work on YOU, and JUST you!

    Leave the ex alone even if he does change, and don't wrap yourself up in nothing he says except when the child (?) support check on time and regular.

    The co worker is justified to keep his distance for your own good, and his because he knows you are at a weak state and need time and are emotionally vulnerable to LATCH on a friendly place that provides a secure place for you.

    The last thing you need is to return to that needy place that requires others to be happy with who you are. So go slow, and heal properly, and get the YOU back that has been so hurt, and damaged. That will take some time, but you have PLENTY.

    Good Luck.
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    sameasu's Avatar
    sameasu Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 6, 2012, 12:47 PM
    I was and the same boat. I had children with my man and everything seemed to dull out. We aren't the wealthiest people so finding time usealy meant family time. I wanted to have one on one time with him and he said he did too but it was really rare. I was unhappy and so was he and we both knew it. Everyday was the same as the last. I thought it would never change. Then came the snipping at each other. Even though good moments shined through, there wasn't many of them. I stared seeing a guy behind his back and I was really excited about it. He was very charming like your fling. Well, my man found out, we fought, I broke up with him.

    And I was really upset. I think deep in my mind that I did only thought about myself. Why did I want to have this other man in my life? I wanted excitement and I wanted to breathe. But I also wanted this with my ex too. I remebered what he said. That he wanted too. I went on ahead of him and left him to sulk. After the break up He called me none stop. Told me what you said. I met up with him and we made love and after I felt good and sad about it. I decided that we need to try again. Called it off with the new man and have been enjoying the time with my ex. He is very reserved, and very insistant on his promices. Im not going to kid here, but it was a tough new start. But I feel that I have made the right choice. He really is a good man and has his ups and downs but he has been very attentive to my feelings and we are closere than ever.

    People can change, and think about what the both of you and your ex did to reach this point and did you really want a good life with him? If so give it a chance. I did and Im glad I did.
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,001, Reputation: 553
    Ultra Member

    Mar 6, 2012, 03:16 PM
    Let him change first, then let him come back, not the same abusive man who SAYS he will change. As far as the other guy, maybe he just likes his space. Time apart can be just as important as time together, respect it. If it bothers you THAT much to be alone, maybe you have co-dependancy issues, which is a sickness, and you might need to reach out to a local group of people that help you deal with that. Kind of like a AA group, but for co-dependancy. You cannot expect to be happy with someone at your side, if you are not happy alone, basing your happiness on someone being there can turn out to be an extremely painful experience in the future.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,692, Reputation: 1547
    Entomology Expert

    Mar 6, 2012, 06:09 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by sameasu
    People can change, and think about what the both of you and your ex did to reach this point and did you really want a good life with him? if so give it a chance. I did and Im glad I did.
    You know, I am glad things worked out for you because it's nice to hear that now and then. However, what you wrote about and described isn't what the OP wrote about and described. Your situation was where you two got bored... hers is where the man is a controlling and abusive jerk who hits her. People like this do not change on their own. Her leaving him won't suddenly make him realize how much he cares. He may tell her that but in the end, he will go back to doing what he does. Counseling is the only possible solution but there is no guarantee in that either. Most abusers stay abusive.

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