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    What should I do about my baby momma?

    Asked Mar 12, 2012, 10:11 PM 13 Answers
    I have known my baby's mom since 2007. We had a baby girl in late 2009. I got her tested to make sure even though I knew it was mine because the army made me. Because I joined the army we have been having a really difficult time. She broke up with me when I joined. She got pregnant after I graduated basic. And because she left me I made really bad decisions. I ended up calling her every name in the book. I slept with other women and everything. But here's the kicker. I love her. I can't get over her. Believe me I tried. I even broke complete contact for like 3 months. Except I paid my child support. She also has been with other people. And about a week ago we started talking again. All of a sudden we are the best of friends. Neither of us claim to want one another. Both of admit we care. But so to actions we both have done. Mainly mine. It just doesn't seem feasible. I really love her.

    But I'm still in the army for another 3 months before my four years are up. And the life of an infantryman makes relationships very difficult. She would take me back I know if I was home. I only know this because she told me that the other three people she has ever been with can't get her off, only I can. And to be honest it's the same for me. We both have to have feelings for some one for that to happen. Now another reason she claims it won't work is because I tend to stereotype all Muslims. I hate them all and I would gladly destroy them all. If you're Muslim, I wouldn't comment on this because I hate you all. Look she doesn't like that fact about me. And neither do I. But I lose a lot of good friends to those *******s and can't help how I feel. She is afraid on going to wig out on people. I did threaten to kill the people she slept with but god knows I really won't because I can't lose my little girl. I Love that baby too much.

    The mom claims I don't though because I'm never home. I don't think she quite understands that the army just isn't going to let me go home whenever I want. But point is I realize I'm out in 3 months. But time is running out. How do I get her back before I'm out? I don't want to change who I am for just this girl but then again this is a girl I legitimately love and because of all the mistakes I have made I'm fearing the worst here. I used to go to her about all my problems and if was the same for her. And as I said we started talking and went right back to being best friends, problem being, I want it all or nothing. I can't be friends. It's way to damn painful. Any advice?

    Last edited by talaniman; Mar 13, 2012 at 08:09 PM.
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    13 Answers
    kcomissiong's Avatar
    kcomissiong Posts: 1,161, Reputation: 275
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    #2

    Mar 13, 2012, 10:17 AM
    You need to leave her alone and get some counseling that can help with your issues. You so not sound stable or healthy right now, and not in a place to be in a relationship or to be a good parent.
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    mikelzimmerman's Avatar
    mikelzimmerman Posts: 5, Reputation: -1
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    #3

    Mar 13, 2012, 11:26 AM
    You know nothing about me. For your information I have seen doctors and stuff. I have told them all my problems. As far as my beliefs. They realize I'm not just going to go out and hurt people. It's just not who I am. Now if the government told me to do so like it is for me in Afghanistan then its game on.
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    kcomissiong's Avatar
    kcomissiong Posts: 1,161, Reputation: 275
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    #4

    Mar 13, 2012, 11:37 AM
    You really expect someone to know anything about you from the internet? Why even ask the question unless you want to hear what people have to say? I do know the following (from your won words): you have threatened to kill people she has dated, you are a racist, you have anger issues, and you said yourself that she is afraid that you are going to "wig out", and you think that you are a good person to be in a relationship with? You really need to work on yourself. Counseling before you separate from the Army and after would be a great start. Anger management would be better. You do not sound like a person who has any self control or rationality. If she were asking this question, I'd tell her to run like hell away from you. If you value her and your child, you would want to be your best for them, and be willing to acknowledge that in your current state, you aren't. A part of loving someone is wanting what is best for them, even when it isn't you. All you are taking about here are your needs and not the needs of your ex or your child. It is almost as though they only matter because they are what you want.
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    mikelzimmerman's Avatar
    mikelzimmerman Posts: 5, Reputation: -1
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    #5

    Mar 13, 2012, 11:47 AM
    I'm just going to say a couple things to show how little you know about anything. 1) when I said wig out she's referring to ptsd. Maybe I should have clarified. 2) hateing Muslims is not raceist, because Muslims are not a RACE of people. What I hate is their religion.

    I may have some anger problems but what infantryman doesn't? And I have always put my daughters needs above my own.

    Bottom line is. I would never hurt either of them. The mom knows this.
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    kcomissiong's Avatar
    kcomissiong Posts: 1,161, Reputation: 275
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    #6

    Mar 13, 2012, 11:55 AM
    And your defense of being a bigot says a whole lot... dude, please get some help. She is AFRAID OF YOU. Be a better father and a better man for your family. You behavior is indefensible (and I married the military so I am very familiar with what servicemen go through overseas). The difference is that my husband can say that there is an issue and take steps to correct it for himself and for his family. You don't seem to be willing or able to do that. If you don't love her or your child enough to make sure that they have the best life and husband/father possible, I hope that she loves herself and your child enough to get away from you.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 80,628, Reputation: 7627
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    #7

    Mar 13, 2012, 12:12 PM


    You need to consider getting out, the military is and can be a very good career. Next sorry getting back and trying to change things now is not going to do anything. She has played you, and you need to start standing up and be a man ( I would have thought the military would have done that) Next of course you needed the DNA test, only a fool would not do it, the military was trying to protect you.

    You stay a father to the child, go home when you can, use email, video chat and more.

    Next you do have issues, Muslim is just a religion, there are good and bad, in fact we are fighting FOR them and with them in the war helping to establish a nation that may be ran by Muslim religion.

    In fact in war, you just hate the enemy who are only sects of the Muslim religion, not the religion.

    And no most people on the ground in war do not have anger issues. Sorry that poor excuse does not fly, people who had anger issues before, get them worst, at times. Don't blame the war on your issues.
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    mikelzimmerman's Avatar
    mikelzimmerman Posts: 5, Reputation: -1
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    #8

    Mar 13, 2012, 12:18 PM
    Your crazy she isn't afraid. If she was she wouldn't see me when I was home. She wouldn't have been at the flight line when I got off the plane. And being the good mother that she is she wouldn't have let me be around my daughter. Just stop commenting. Just because you husband in the military doesn't mean you are. You obviously don't know anything. And your husband sounds like a pog or person otherthan grunt. Or in my own words. Piece of garbage. You army wives think they know everything. But what you don't know is what we have to go through. All you know is what people tell you. And that's not called experience. So thanks for bringing this way off subject. You need to no longer comment if your just going to call me a big scary man who scares his child and child's mother. Wow. I think you're the one with issues. You should learn not to be so judgemental.

    Chuck your absolutely right. I did start as a bad father. And I really eNt to fix that. And I don't know man, everyone I know has quite a lot of anger built up. We all try to not direct it towards others. Now the military has made me a lot more mature but yes I admit I do have some problems I can't blame on my two tours. I actually do my best not to. And I am getting out. I have about three months left. I'm just trying to get my ex back. And my daughter closer.
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    kcomissiong's Avatar
    kcomissiong Posts: 1,161, Reputation: 275
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    #9

    Mar 13, 2012, 12:36 PM
    First, you do not get to dictate who answers your question. Blaming the military for your issues is just a piss poor excuse for being too selfish to work on your problems. Read what you wrote. How many of those issues did you cause? Are you a different person then the person who went out ans slept around, name called, and threatened to kill people? I don't feel sorry for you, but I do feel sorry for your child if you reuse to admit that you have issues that you need to work on. The military has so many resources for you to get counseling and anger management and even parenting classes that will help you transition back into civilian life and become a better man and parent and you are just wasting them. You are so angry that you are ranting at a stranger on the internet. Is this showing your maturity?

    Counseling or therapy will help you work on your bigotry (you say that is something your ex dislikes). It can help with your anger issues and jealousy. It can teach you ways to manage your feelings so you don't feel like you want to lash out and hurt people. It can begin to treat PTSD, and connect you with resources that can help inside of your community. All of those things are a part of being a good PARENT. Making excuses and passing blame are not. Why would you not want to take every opportunity you had available to be the best man you could be for your child? If you feel the solution is to find a way for her to live with who you are now, and for you not to change, then you need to leave her alone. If you are committed to being a better man and father, then you have to take the steps to make it happen.
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    Kahani Punjab's Avatar
    Kahani Punjab Posts: 510, Reputation: 200
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    #10

    Mar 13, 2012, 12:53 PM
    You should also take the help of some career counsellor, guide or expert. Talk to some psychologists also. Meet some ex-army man/woman to get more consultation. Good luck!
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,506, Reputation: 4594
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    #11

    Mar 13, 2012, 02:30 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by mikelzimmerman View Post
    Your crazy she isn't afraid. If she was she wouldn't see me when I was home. She wouldn't have been at the flight line when I got off the plane. And being the good mother that she is she wouldn't have let me be around my daughter. Just stop commenting. Just because u husband in the military doesn't mean you are. You obviously don't know anything. And your husband sounds like a pog or person otherthan grunt. Or in my own words. Piece of garbage. You army wives think they know everything. But what you don't know is what we have to go through. All you know is what people tell you. And that's not called experience. So thanks for bringing this way off subject. You need to no longer comment if your just gona call me a big scary man who scares his child and child's mother. Wow. I think your the one with issues. You should learn not to be so judgemental.


    Wow - answers like this cause people not to respond. I'm going to take a deep breath and jump in. Where to start?

    I see anger issues way out of line, aimed at total strangers. We're not here, posting our lives, asking for advice on problems we cannot solve. You are. You hate a certain religion? That would be no less offensive if you hated any other religion or group of people. I think you would be very dangerous if you were walking the streets of the US. So, Michael L Zimmerman, I hope the Army is aware of your rants.

    I honestly hope you make a better impression in person than you do in "print." I think your Baby Momma should make very sure you are not a danger to her and the child before she has any contact with you. TONS of people have served in the Armed Forces. They don't all come out bitter and hostile. You've gone through counselling? I would go back, ask for a different counsellor and work on whatever issues you recognize and/or don't recognize. Everyone can blame something in his/her life for how things are. Adults move beyond that. Some of us lost relatives in this War - we're not on here, preaching hate. Speaking just for myself - I don't want bigots of any nature around my children and stepchildren.

    I'm laughing that she's going to take you back because out of all her partners you're the only one who can "get her off." I don't see that as a reason to reconcile. You've threatened to kill the people she has sex with (but you didn't really mean it) and no Muslims should respond to your question.

    I trust some of this gets resolved before you're back here, walking the streets in the US. I care little about your baby mama drama. I do care about people who are Muslims and innocent of any crimes against the US or, for that matter, you.
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,506, Reputation: 4594
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    #12

    Mar 13, 2012, 06:12 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by mikelzimmerman View Post
    I may have some anger problems but what infantryman doesnt? And I have always put my daughters needs above my own.

    Here's where you start offending people. You say you always put your daughter's needs above your own. Here's what you posted about your daughter's needs: "We had a baby girl in late 2009. ... And because she left me I made really bad decisions. I ended up calling her every name in the book. I slept with other women and everything. ... I even broke complete contact for like 3 months. Except I paid my child support. She also has been with other people. And about a week ago we started talking again. ... Now another reason she claims it won't work is because I tend to sterotype all Muslims. I hate them all and I would glady destroy them all. If your Muslim I wouldn't comment on this because I hate you all. Look she doesn't like that fact about me. And neither do I. But I lose a lot of good friends to those *******s and can't help how I feel. She is afraid on going to wig out on people. I did threaten to kill the people she slept with but god knows I really won't because I can't lose my little girl. I Love that baby too much. The mom claims I don't though because I'm never home. ... I don't want to change who I am for just s girl but then again this is a girl I legitimately love and because of all the mistakes I have made I'm fearing the worst here. ... . I can't be friends. It's way to damn painful. Any advice?"

    The way you treat the mother reflects directly on the child. Threaten the mother, you threaten the child. Call the mother names, you insult the child. Be the mother's enemy, you will become the enemy of the child. Don't change who you are, expect the mother to live with your anger issues, expect the child to be emotionally scarred.

    I don't know how you see yourself as the abuse victim here.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,765, Reputation: 10741
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    #13

    Mar 13, 2012, 08:59 PM
    You have 3 months to do your best to get your act together and better yourself, so use the time wisely, and see what happens when you get home.

    There are no magic ways to get her to give you what you want at this time, and I am sure she is worried if you will come home at all. Know this and be patient as you give your service to your country (Thank you), and get a path to a better attitude, and more mature actions. In this way you can put your best foot forward, and have a plan to deal with those NASTY demons, and prejudices.

    So forget the remote control long distance convincing act, and have your stuff together when you get home. Then at least you can handle your stuff in person.

    Hope you listen, because as of now you are to out of control emotionally, and mentally to be honest, to convince any one of anything.
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    gamaguy's Avatar
    gamaguy Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Nov 8, 2012, 11:24 AM
    Bro I'm in the same situation except the fact that I'm not in any military branch, though I intend to become a marine, my baby momma don't want me to go, cause as it is I appearently have anger problems of my own that I have to cope with, she fears me experiencing the violence and discipline will have me at the edge of "wigging out" as they say, but like I been a real lately and I want everything to go back to normal, I told her the only reason I want to join is so I can find a good career once I serve my time, I never cheated on her, I've lied and I have abused her both physically and mentally, and now she is even more scared of me and at this point I can barely talk to her without wanting to come on too strong, really all we need is time to breathe and think, and ultimately I have to better myself before I stand a chance with my family, I love this lady greatly and my daughter is my highest priority. She just fears the worst and since I've frightened her from my behavior sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her, but in my head I know I want this girl to be my one and only. I really hope you can better yourself as well cause
    Seeming as you have that discipline mentality your offspring will be a great kid, respectful and wiser than most, just straighten up brother we all have anger problems some worst than others. But if you want to be part of your family prove to her you will never let them fear you and you will do nothing but protect them with your own life. But overall be there for your kid, she'll love it.
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