I made a terrible mistake last night. I'm being destroyed by guilt, and crying like a child. Please help me.

I (M, late 20s) have been with my current partner (F, late 20s) for the past three years. At the start, she never felt perfect, or "The One", whereas she would call me perfect, and I could never reply with the same words, for some reason.

One year into the relationship, I started developing feelings for someone else, and knew that this wasn't fair on my girlfriend, so I broke up with her. She was confused, and then angry as I told her the reasons (was not only due to the other girl, was also due to distance in the relationship, and other minor problems). After breaking up with her, it felt like a huge mistake; it had never felt like that with other ex's. I assumed that it was just guilt, and we initiated no contact. After a couple of months of soul searching and heartache, I got back into contact with her, and we began re-building our relationship.

I know that I have issues. I have never been able to commit, after an ex from ten or so years ago cheated on me, and left to be with the other man. From that point I have always kept myself distant from my partners, and never letting them get too close. I have had issues with insecurity and light depression for most of my life, and also issues about never being "good enough", possibly based on my relationship with my mother. I had a selfish fear, that if I did commit to my current girlfriend, and if she wasn't the one and cheated on me, what if I could never sleep or kiss anyone again? What if she wasn't the one for me, and that other person was out there?

I have managed to keep these problems in check, and begun working on most of them, but obviously not hard enough. Before last night, our relationship was better than it ever has been, and I really felt like I was connecting with her on a level that I've never known before.

However, last night I went out for some drinks with some colleagues. I drank far too much, and ended up kissing a female colleague, and we eventually went back to mine, and we slept together. I felt immediate remorse and regret wash over me as soon as it was over. I know that it was selfish and stupid, and I can't blame the alcohol as obviously on some level I wanted to do this. Some part of me wanted to ruin what I had built up with my girlfriend. Some self-destruct, self-hating, "I deserve nothing".

I saw my girlfriend today, and I know that she is suspicious (or my guilt is telling me that she is). I put my distance and "weirdness" down to being incredibly hungover (which I was). I am a complete wreck inside however. I feel like a monster and I can't bear to even think about what happened last night without wanting to throw up or burst into tears.


So, my question, is what do I do now?

I know that I need professional help in overcoming my problems. Before, I had been using self-help, but that evidently isn't enough.

I think that a couple of my colleagues saw me leave with this woman, so I know that tongues will be wagging tomorrow. I know that I can try to play it safe by saying that I was just very drunk, and the woman just walked me to the cab rank to send me home by myself, but I'm not sure how effective that will be. None of my colleagues know my girlfriend, but of course, they are loosely connected on Facebook.

I'm not sure how the woman will react. She knows that I have a girlfriend, and that I love my girlfriend, but I'm not sure how she feels. I feel that contacting her in anyway would be a mistake, and I only very rarely see her in the office. I know that I need to leave my employer as soon as possible, but it is easier said than done in a small town. I know that this won't happen again with her, and I regret it with every ounce of my being.

I know that I should tell my girlfriend, as a relationship cannot be built around deceit and mistrust and guilt. But, I've already been incredibly selfish once... wouldn't sharing the burden of my guilt be just another selfish act? I know that she would be heartbroken if I do tell her or she finds out, and I really do want us to have a future together.

Please help me.

If I were you, I'd straight up just tell her. You mentioned that your colleagues ARE loosely connected to your girlfriend over FB. I learned in the past (the hard way) that FB reveals a lot more than you'd think. Trust me when I say this; you're better of telling her yourself. Imagine yourself in her situation and she did this to you. You'd darn right demand to want to know what happened, and she has that same right to know. It is better for her to hear it from you, than from FB friends or colleagues who may or may not spread rumors and twist your situation to fit their own versions (unintentionally sometimes too).

Just step forward and tell her, and see what happens then. My only problem is you doing what you did to this woman. Guess it is just me, but if you're IN a relationship, why sleep with someone else? I never got this. Just spare her the feelings and break up and sleep around, or try FIXING your problems and talking them out. I hate to be harsh, but this is the only way I see you solving this issue.

Best of luck to you.

Do her a favor and break up with her. Tell her you can't be trusted and that she doesn't really mean all that much to you and for her own good, you are breaking up with her to spare her any future pain or torment. Break up with her so she can get on with her life and find someone that respects her and cares about her.

I agree with odinn7. As I stated before, (and you did too) you clearly know that in order for a relationship to function well, their need be a great level of trust and security. I personally thought that you, of all people, stating that you have been cheated on by an ex in the past for a long time, would have learned how it feels to be abused and hurt in that manner, and would never repeat such an action.

Here I quote you : I have never been able to commit, after an ex from ten or so years ago cheated on me, and left to be with the other man.
See, you clearly have been in the same situation, and claim to have been badly hurt from it. Your girlfriend has feelings as well, and she deserves someone who CAN commit to her and respect her, as odinn7 stated.