Hey I need an outsiders appinion on this, someone who won't bring the religious side of things into it, but talk to me as if I was there own daughter or a great friend etc.
so here goes...

My ex partner and I split up nearly 2 months ago after been together nearly 5yrs. We have 2 gorgeous boys together and are currently still living under the same roof. He broke it off with me because he said he wanted to be able to do what he wants when he wants without having to say even where he's going or what time he might be home. Since splitting he's done nothing anyway, and before we split I never stopped him doing anything he wanted to do either, We have lived together for just over 4yrs. So to me it feels very weird that he said he wanted all that but then never does anything anyway.
He has also been abusive in the past, pysically and emotionally.
Anyway to the point here, he still expects me to treat us not been together that way but at the same time when he wants me there I have to be there for him, I can't do what I want when I want and stuff. And although that is fine for me because I love spending every moment I have with him it is confusing for me.
he lies to me all the time and I always catch him out. He cheated on me when I was pregnant with our second child and even though he didn't have sex with her, he did have a fling with her text her non stop and ranked up serveral bills over a period calling her and then lied to me about it for 12 months after convincing me there was nothing happening, now since about 6wks before we split the same thing has started again.
A couple of days ago he told me he cut contact with her but then the next day he spent 20 minutes on the phone talking to her when we were out while we sat in the stinking hot car waiting for him to get off the phone so we could go home, then he tells me the call was random and he don't know why she rang him (but she told him her whole life story on how she finally got the guts to leave her man and so on) anyway he still told me he didn't talk to her but when I went out that night and come home the next day I went through his mobile and found dozens of texts to and from her so that means he's been lying to me about not talking to her...
anyway the new thing going down atm is, he is telling me he wants to be with me get back with me and stuff but this is what has to go, when our lease ends feb9 I still have to move out and he wants to then live apart for 6 months, not only that there's another catch ontop he wants to live on the north side and that will leave us living at least 1hour apart so he doesn't want to catch up during the week because he said he will be too tired to come see me after work then have to drive home still. And on wkends he wants to have the kids on his own as it will be his time with the kids so we will only get to see each other Friday nights and Sunday night, which is when he will be picking up the kids and dropping them off again. I asked him where is the time for us and he said we can talk on the phone, I don't know what to do, I love him so much, I know there is little trust from me to him because of all the times he's lied but I know that can be gained again. But I don't know if I am to just give in on us and move on with my life without him, or trial been with him but not living with him and if it works carry it out for the 6months then take it from there.?
what would you guys do?

thanks
Mia

I would move out in February and he could rot in Hell... he would get his kids on the weekends just like he wanted but he would have no contact with me. 1st and foremost I would file for custody of my kids. <----remember this is the most important thing that you do.If he wanted to play child support games I would take him to court... I bet he will because he sounds like a little controlling, mind game playing little boy. He has seen that you are going to put up with his crap so he is going to keep giving it to you. Stand up for yourself you deserve better $hit than that.

Thank you for your response, I like your honnesty. And thank you I do deserve better your right

Honey you have been with this man since you were 17 don't continue to live with someone that treats you badly.

I been with him since 16. I know there are more fish in the sea and a lot that know how to treat a women right, I guess that's why they say love hurts and love is blind, it makes you accept things you once said you would never except. I gave birth to our first child when I was 17 and a half, our kids are 3 and 1, they will be 4 and 2 this year, and that too breaks my heart that I can't give them a family life that they so dearly deserve. If that makes any sense to you..

Hi Crispy
Well first let me say how sorry I feel for your situation. It just astounds me how many stories we hear on here where someone is so stuck in love where the other person just doesn't give anything.
To me this guy definitely doesn't deserve you , he lies , he cheats and then he wants everything to go HIS way. This is why we say so often that starting a family etc. at such a young age is normally not a good move , and I'm sorry I am not trying to judge you just trying to make a point.

In my opinion you should bite the bullet and leave this guy , what a creep. Sorry it might be hard but do you want to put up with this sort of behaviour all your life? I don't know many people who would.

No don't be sorry I like the honnesty, No I don't want to put up with it for the rest of my life, honnestly sometimes I wonder why I have put up with it this long, I used to say I would never let a guy treat me the way he does, I used to say the day a guy cheats on me is the day I walk out that door but I never did, well I did for about 2 weeks then took him back so I pretty much didn't.
And yeah I agree having a family at my age has a lot of disavantages but it also has it advantages too. I don't regret having my kids, they are the world to me and I just want what is best for them. But I also know what I might think is best for them isn't, I stayed even when he belted the crap out of me because I wanted the kids to have there dad in there life, but I also know that was a stupid thing to do because I left them in a dangerous environment. (please note he's never physically hurt the boys in any way). I do know now though that I can't stand for his violance anymore and I do know the next time he hits me I am gone because All it will take is one fone call to any single friend and they will take my kids away from here weither I follow or not,
Yes all my family and friends dispize of him which makes life very hard. This is why I needed an outsiders advice on things, because your head can get so cloged up when you know they don't like who your with and then you think they are just saying things because they don't like him.
I also know all my kids do need is for me to be happy so they can have a happy and healthy up bringing.
In saying I agree having kids at a younge age can be a bad thing, Yes I too did choose to have a baby so young in fact 2 babies and I wouldn't change it for the world, but yes it is hard and it changes a lot of things, it also means you have to grow up a lot faster but in saying that I also believe there's not much different in having a family at my age or at double my age, I could be 40 and be in the same situation. Its how you deal with the situations that is what makes the difference.
I think the thing that makes it so hard for me is that he expects me to act like the perfect couple around all my friends (but he doesn't know they know the truth about us as I am not aloud to tell them what happens in our relationship because when he finds out I do he goes off his nut at me). Then when he wants sex from me even when I don't want it, its either give him it or put up with him been all $hitty with me and making me feel bad about myself, or he will just be all over me non stop till he gets what he wants, then he goes off and does his own thing and goes back to been his old way and all the rest... I guess you can say I feel very stuck.
There is also one note I should maybe make, No he isn't my first, I have been with many other guys and had 9 other sexual partners before him (yes you could say I was one of the chicks that slept around in a way because I was but when I met my now ex I changed my ways quick smart because I loved him and I haven't been with anyone else since the day we met) I say this because sometimes people say your more emotionally attacted to them if they were your first so no this isn't the case.

Crispy
I understand exactly where you are coming from when you say you wouldn't change having your babies. Again , I was just trying to make the point.

Anyway I didn't realise as well that he beats you as well , not only physically but also emotionally. That is just totally unexceptable behaviour and just reinforces the fact that he not only doesn't deserve you but also that you need to get out of there sooner rather than later. Violent men don't change overnight , they either need extensive therapy to fix the problem , and that's only if they realise it is and are willing to work on it. OR they just plod along with the assumption that nothing is wrong with them and everyone else is the problem.

We are all here when you need someone to talk to.

Thank You, That made me get tears in my eyes. (for a good reason)

Yeah I knew you were just making a point so sorry if I sounded defensive I don't mean to sound that way.

Yeah I get you totally when you say that they think everyone else it the problem, its never their fault they hurt you its always yours and it sucks.

That's fine... you have every right to be defensive when your babies are involved. I really hope it all works out for you.

Keep us posted.

Thanks, I guess only time will tell, I just need to find the strength to put a stop to the crap and move on so I can bring my kids up with the life they deserve, I don't want them growing up and thinking that what he does is right because I haveput up with it, or what not, I know I got a lot of support if I do that too, but if I go back to him and do it his way and all the rest I will have support for the most of it but I know they won't support my decision to take him back and what not, I have been told to use my anger and pain to give me the strength but I just can't do it. I don't know how to find the strength, but I know it is there somewhere I just got to want it enough, But making it something I want to do is not going to be easy. But then Life isn't easy

Mia
I think you know what you need to do and probably did before you came on here , just for reassurance I would guess. Yes look after the children's interests and needs but also look after yours. They will know if you are not happy.

Crispy... when he hits you and treats you bad he is being mean to your kids. You can not be the best mommy to them while putting up with that $hit. Don't you think they know you are upset.. they probably hear him hitting you and it scares them. You need to have his rotten a$$ locked up when he hits you. 9 times outt of 10 he will hit them someday because that is how he handles his problems... why do you think he will be any different with the? Then you will either have to shut up and let him hit your kids or fight him... but trust me it will come to that.
As far as the sex... he is raping you... you should never have to sleep with some $OB for them to leave you alone or to treat you with a little kindeness.
You have slept with 9 guys from the age of?? To 16. Who told you in order to be loved and accepted you have to have sex with guys. Sweety your body belongs to you, you should not have to share it if you are not ready to. Please get some professional help. Domestic abuse hotline 1-800-799-S7233 or Domestic Violence Shelter Tour There are so many groups that could provide you with help. Even if you just find a counselor from a battered woman's shelter to talk to you would learn so much about the cycle of abuse. This could be done over the phone each time you are upset or he mistreats you. Look the up in your area.

Crispy: are you dependent on your husband for money, or do you work away from your home?

bushg... Yes my kids know it happens, they can sense it, if he is yelling at me, my 3yr old shuts himself in his room, once both boys were in the room with me and as soon as there dad left the room our 3yr old ran and shut the door and locked it, it broke my heart and all they could do was sit next to me and hug me and that's how I know they know what's going on. It tears me up inside so much.
No one told me I had to sleep around to be loved, I guess you could say I was the rebulious type the one who turned to the drugs to hide for life, (note I quit the drugs for my now ex because he made me choose him or the drugs, best move I could ever make) I guess some would say I had a crap up bringing, I never really had much respect for myself before I met my ex, and those 9 guys pretty much were in a 1yr gap except for one whome I actaully dated for 2 yrs (go puppy love) between that guy and my now ex, I don't know what really happened I just went from one bloke to the next, but I think a lot has to do with the type of guys I go for too. I guess it's a cycle yet needing to be broken. A lot to could go with the age, Ive always dated much older guys and only my first and now ex have been in a resonable age gap. So really you could say I brought it all upon myself with everything Ive invited into my life...
I don't know its hard to really say I am just trying to work it all out myself too I suppose you could say,
As for you clasing what he does to the sexual side of things. It really doesn't class as rape as I do let him do it, if I said no the whole way through then it would be that, yeah OK he don't stop after I say no but that's because he knows after a few minutes ill just give in. but still I do give in and that's where its not classed as rape. I mean do correct me if I am wrong but that is my view on it.
Yeah I am in Australia so our number is different from that but I have tried to call it but as soon as they answer I just can't make the call I don't know why, I guess I'm scared to, maybe one day ill get the guts to talk but yeah, Im surprised I have even said this much on here, actaully I'm more like really shocked that I have said as much as I have, and yes there is so much he does I don't tell...
Oh also I am not saying I am perfect either because holy crap I think we all learnt that with the tiny patch of what I have said about myself too, I have made a lot of mistakes but no I don't regret them because I have looked back at my past and learnt a lesson from the things I have done.
As for why do I think he will be any different towards the kids, well really I don't know. Sometimes I fear that oneday he might hurt them but I try to block that out of my mind, but if he ever did hurt them I think I would certainly do some domage... I might just lay there and cover my face when he belts me but if he touches the kids I will fight back for them. But I hope it never comes to that.
Cycle of abuse??



Friend4u187... Maybe in the back of my head I do know, but my heart is really fighting with my mind atm if that makes sense... I am confused and I just don't know what way to turn, and yes like I said just above yes the kids do know I am not happy and they know when I am scared. As for my interests the only ones I have atm is that for my kids to be happy normal kids who don't need to be scared when someone just yells because they know where yelling leads... that's not fair on them I just want them to know it isn't right.

As it goes for money, No I don't work, but I do bring in my own income, I pay my own way, his money is his money that's all there is too it... However He has only just been taken off bankrupt so I am sure you know what that means, So no I am not dependent on him for his money as I don't even get to see it, I used to know what he brought in but over the last 12 months I have not even seen a pay check or even $5 of his, I pretty uch pay for all the kids stuff and so forth and we split food and bills half way... you prob wonder how I get an income... We have a centerlink payment here, Coz I can not get a licance for a specific reason and that reason also makes getting a job hard for me I get a payment from them for that and I get A parenting payment too. But this also isn't that much really but I do stretch my every peny so that the kids never have to go without anything. On saying that though he will sometimes buy the kids stuff but his motto is that he works hard for his money so he shouldn't have to and my parening payment has to go towards them which means he doesn't need to pay for anything for them... if that makes sense

Where do you live?

Australia

You don't have to use your anger and pain to give you the strength to leave, but instead focus on the love for your children. Even if the upbringing you had taught you that you don't deserve better than he is giving, you don't have to pass that lesson along to your children. They already know the situation, and can't do more than they have to try to comfort you, and find comfort for themselves. They are learning through observation, and if you let them get the message that it is OK for men to behave that way, then how will they ever know otherwise when they grow up? Also, what happens a few years from now when they are big enough to try to protect mommy? Do you think daddy is going to care if he hurts them... he will believe it is their fault!
As far as thinking about taking him back again, he has done nothing to even suggest that he is at all interested in anything other than a little slave girl to meet his needs. If you want to meet someone's needs, think of your children... or volunteer somewhere... but don't think that by giving all of you love to someone who doesn't show any care toward you, that you can make them love you. It has to be give and take both ways.

True so true... one thing I don't get though is if that's all he wants me for, to be his little slave whatever then why does he say he wants to be with me but live apart after living with me for over 4yrs?