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    03fridge's Avatar
    03fridge Posts: 21, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Apr 9, 2006, 01:37 PM
    What the heck?
    I've posted about this before, but here is a recap:

    Dated/lived together for over a year. She felt she needed a break, moved out, asked me not to see other people as she wouldn't either. At X-mas time I catch her on a date. Things get ugly, she tells me to never contact her ever again.

    Two months of no contact of any kind. Then I receive a refund check from her that I had sent her in the mail two months after I had sent it. Then after that I start to receive emails from her telling me that she wants me to be happy.

    Here is where we are today and why I say what the heck is going on here? Last Sunday I needed to call her to pass along some mail that I received from her daughters school concerning her school loan. She was very chatty and it was actually a nice conversation. Then last Monday I get an email from her just shooting the day, I respond by saying "hi", then the next email I get about an hour later knocked my socks off, she is asking to borrow a large sum on money. Tells me that something just came up and needs it quick and can I help her out. When I don't respond in a timely manner I get another email asking me again. I respond that I don't think its best if I were to help. She asks me to come to her house that night after work so she can talk to me in person about this. I again tell her I don't think its best. So I get six more emails asking me to come over. So I give in just so I can get back to work.

    So that night I go to her house, which felt very weird, and she tells me that she is getting ready to leave on a business trip and only has about 30 minutes. She tells me why she needs the money, and I tell her that I would love to help her, but just don't think I can trust her to pay me back. As I'm leaving she asks what my hurry is and do I want something to drink. She tells me I've got some good wine do you want a glass? So I take glass, and we play catch up. The first questions out of her mouth were, have you been dating, how many people have you dated, where did you meet them at and did you have sex with them? I told her that it really didn't have any bearing on things and I didn't feel the need to share. Her response was "this is what friends talk about". She tells me that she has dated four guys, but none were what she was looking for and that she has become very disillusioned about dating all together. I finish my glass of wine and start to leave so she can get to the airport to catch her flight. She asks what my hurry is and pours me another glass of wine. We talk some more, and then she starts asking about my house (the one she left). She asks about this old car that I'm restoring. She tells me that I should think about selling it so I can free up some space in the garage. When I asked her why I needed to free up some space in my garage when its just me, she just looked at me and smiled. We chat some more and she asks if I would mind is she streches her legs. I don't mind, but then she rests her feet in my lap. Then she begins the big flirt job. So as I'm finishing my third glass of wine she all the sudden tells me its time for me to leave. That I need to finish my glass and leave. By the way its now 8PM. So as I'm leaving she walks me out to my car and starts hugging me. She gives me three very long hugs between her house and my car.

    When I get home about 15 minutes away, I get on the computer to check my email. Low and behold I have an email from her. She wrote/sent an email from the time I left unitl the time I got home. She hadn't sent me an email to my home email address in a year.

    The next night I get a phone call from her. She tells me that she wants to talk to me before she falls a sleep. That she is on her trip and just wanted to hear my voice to make her feel better in her hotel room.

    The next night I text messaged her concerning some plans we had made for Saturday night. Like I knew she would, she called me back and told me to hold off on making the reservations, since she was going to go visit her family this weekend.

    The very next morning I get a call from her while I'm at work. She hasn't called me at work since last September.

    Then Friday as I'm getting home from work she calls me and asks what my plans are for that night. I ask her why she wants to know. She asks if I would mind picking her up at the airport later that night since she will miss her commuter flight. Oh, and the airport where I'm picking her up at is two hours away. I tell her sure I'll pick you up. I need a nice road trip and could use the time to think about some things. She's like great, we can have a nice chat and do whatever on the way home. Then she calls me back not five minutes later and tells me to cancel that, things have changed and she'll call me later to explain, but I didn't need to pick her up. Then at 11PM Friday night she calls me back to tell me that she knew her commuter flight was going to be late and that she knew she would make it and thanks for offering to pick her up. I found her request to pick her up at the airport very interesting because when we were together I always offered to pick her at the airport when she was going to miss her commuter flight. Her response was always that it was stupid for me to drive that far just to pick her up and then drive home. She always stayed in a hotel then caught the first flight home the next morning. The next morning I sent her an email telling her that I was glad she was able to catch her flight and hoped she slept well being home again, and to have a great day. Then last night I sent her a text message on my way home from hanging with friends. I figure since she was calling me every day it was OK for me to contact her.

    Today she calls and we talk and I tell her that since she is so interested in the house and what I've done to it since she left she should stop by and see it. After that statement she quickly gets off the phone. Then I get an email from her shortly after that telling me that I'm coming on to strong and need to back way off. That she still needs her time and space. That she doesn't want me or any man in her life at this time, that she doesn't want to hurt me, and that she feels somewhat sorry that she invited me over since I felt that gave me the need to stay in contact with her.

    So what the heck is going on here? She all the sudden is asking me for favors and calling all the time and when I somewhat recepricate I'm pushing. Its not like I'm asking for a date or any type of commitment. I'm just treating her like another friend, I'm not trying to get back together. She was the one dropping all kinds of hints that she wanted to get something going again and wanted to be at the house. Any ideas of what is really happening?
    milliec's Avatar
    milliec Posts: 262, Reputation: 55
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    #2

    Apr 9, 2006, 02:01 PM
    Do you have the same kind of relationship with all you other friends?
    I guess not.
    And I don't think any of them takes these liberties to tell you what to do with the car, to ask for big loans, to have driving them from the airport, etc.
    I gather that if you read your own letter wearing a stranger's glasses, you'll get the impression I got: she's playing with you, enjoys controlling you.I think she's a very selfish (and MAY BE even cruel) person, and I don't think she cares for you or anyone else but herself.
    What are YOUR feelings?
    I think you should really end this chapter for good in order to be able to continue your life and find the person you really deserve.
    You seem to be a very nice person, just lost a little.
    It's time you pay attention to your own needs and feelings, and put yourself in the 1st place in your life.
    Good luck
    Millie :)
    03fridge's Avatar
    03fridge Posts: 21, Reputation: 3
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    #3

    Apr 9, 2006, 02:02 PM
    This is an email I just received from her:

    Yes friendship is a possibility, but at my pace, especially right now... you have to put out of your head that we can or could be boyfriend/girlfriend... only friends... comprende?? I don't want to go through all of this drama again... the other night was nice, just two people that care about each other... having a glass of wine and catching up on old times... to bad you didn't do this before!!

    I always did this before. We did this every night that we were together as a couple. All of this stuff has happened since I told her that I thought it was maybe best if we just went back to the way it was with no contact at all.

    Is she slowly testing me to see if I am willing to get back together as a couple contrary to her above email. To see if things have changed. Is that why she asked for the favors and is calling all the time? That our friendship is being paced, at her pace... what is this comment about? This comment is also interesting; "two people that care about each other...having a glass of wine and catching up on old time". Shouldn't she have said "two friends having a glass of wine catching up on old times" if we are just friends?
    jeffatl's Avatar
    jeffatl Posts: 489, Reputation: 83
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    #4

    Apr 9, 2006, 02:06 PM
    She wants money from you so sure she is going to play the nice game. Don't DO IT! I ave a feeling if you "lend" her the money, you won't see it again or have a REAL hard time getting it back. You sound like you aren't falling for her games and that's good. I say you aske her what her intentions are by all of this and then take it from there. I would say just move on.
    jeffatl's Avatar
    jeffatl Posts: 489, Reputation: 83
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    #5

    Apr 9, 2006, 02:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 03fridge
    This is an email I just received from her:

    yes friendship is a possibility, but at my pace, especially right now....you have to put out of your head that we can or could be boyfriend/girlfriend.....only friends.....comprende?????
    Dude, this gal wants to have her cake and eat it too basically... You need to set this straight and FAST. A friendship is on NOBODYS terms, she sounds like the controlling type and it sounds like you might have put this gal on a pedestal. It sounds to me like you give in to pretty much whatever she says, because you are a nice guy but come on, she is running you. She dictated how much wine you had to drink, how long you stayed, and not the possible friendship. What the heck is going on here! It doesn't sound like this lady has any respect for you at all and that's why she came out of the blue to ask you for money because she thinks you will give it to her. NOW, she is going to use that money as a glimmer of hope for a friendship that will just bite you in the *** in the end. I say tell her NO, not a chance. ARG!! This woman it totally using you now, and manipulating you still having feelings for her to get her way. EVIL WOMAN GAMES HERE BUD, WAKE UP!! I can tell you know something is wrong here, so that's step one. Step 2: no more talking to her unless it is on YOUR TERMS!! Don't respond to her emails right away, give it a few days at least. I guarantee she will annoy the crap out of you sending you a TON of them because you won't respond. You are a busy guy too you know. You have to see this for what it is, and hit the ground running. Best of luck to you sir!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,321, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Apr 9, 2006, 02:29 PM
    Hi again 03, I suggest you go back through your past post and relive all the things she put you through and also what you went through to put her behind you. Her e-mail shows a selfish controlling individual who has an agenda that means you no good. You've come to far to let her put a foot in the door to use you again so take off the blinders and see the b... h for what she really is . Ask yourself-with a friend like this, wouldn't you rather have an enemy. Protect yourself you are in danger! :cool:
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692
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    #7

    Apr 9, 2006, 02:31 PM
    She has gone though other guys that would not give her all she wanted and is out of new guys ( for the moment anyway) so she is going back to some that she can perhaps use again for a while.

    She wants to use you, you need to find someone that wants you for you,

    I would stop emailing back to her, don't take her calls, and move on.
    03fridge's Avatar
    03fridge Posts: 21, Reputation: 3
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    #8

    Apr 9, 2006, 02:33 PM
    I know what you are saying. Like I said before. All of this started after I told her it was best if we went back to not communicating any longer. I'm not looking to get back into a relationship with her, but I did offer to be her friend, then I saw the writing on the wall with that and told her that we should not contact each other since I didn't see how that was going to do any good. As far as the money, no she didn't get the loan. Your right friendship is friendship and doesn't have terms or a pace. That's why I asked if her main motive is to try and get back into a relationship with me because she is realizing that she had it really good. I did somewhat put her on a pedastal while we were together and I guess that is my fault. I showed her a good lifestyle and wasn't a challenge for her any more.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #9

    Apr 9, 2006, 05:06 PM
    Whatever is happening I don't know but it's pretty strange. Rather than knock yourself out trying to figure it out I'd just move on. You can see her occasionally if you want but don't say or do anything that would suggest any kind of commitment such as lending her money. Keep things purely casual. I have a feeling that maybe she's trying to use you as a "cushion" when she needs one and when she doesn't she gives the cold shoulder. Be very wary of her. Have fun with her but nothing more.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #10

    Apr 9, 2006, 08:16 PM
    Don't loan her money - NO WAY. For a lot of reasons.

    "asked me not to see other people as she wouldn't either." - Always another guy - always - 97% of the time.

    She seems to lie if I am not mistaken.

    RUN - she is using you for the cash.

    Coming on to strong?? You guys had somethng established.

    Something really stinks here and its her... I wou;d n't have anything to do with her.

    It all seems pretty weird. Trust your gut. Move on.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,928, Reputation: 674
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    #11

    Apr 10, 2006, 04:52 AM
    HI, OR,
    I am so glad you were able to see through this. She wanted to be back with you for "money", and what you were able to do for her.
    Good relationships are built on trust, caring, respect, and wanting to show love to the other, in any way you know will make them happy. There doesn't seem to be much of this in her way of looking at things. Best of luck, and you will eventually meet someone who is just right for you, with love.
    03fridge's Avatar
    03fridge Posts: 21, Reputation: 3
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    #12

    Apr 10, 2006, 04:36 PM
    I so agree that its not smart to get back with this woman and I have no intention to, but it does make me wonder why she is putting so much effort into this contact thing. I know its not really for the money, because her brother is her bank. She can go to him and he'll give the money to her without batting an eye. The second thing that makes me wonder; is what the big deal last Friday was about picking her up. What was that test all about. Was it 1) to see if I would pick her up or 2) to really see if I had a date?

    For some reason I just have this gut feeling that she will try and make a return visit as a temporary fixture again in my life. That she will try and get the girlfriend status again for awhile. I know she keeps touting the company line "friendship only", but its those damn subtle other hints she seems to slide in among the "look at all you did wrong before" stuff. Maybe I've given her the wrong impression by tellling her that I would pick her up and by taking her calls and emails that I'm still showing interest in a relationship vs. just being a friend that she so tells me we are. So now she is backing off by using the "friendship" thing because she thinks she has me waiting in the wings again. I guess I was wrong in letting the silence be broken.
    jeffatl's Avatar
    jeffatl Posts: 489, Reputation: 83
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    #13

    Apr 10, 2006, 10:52 PM
    Sounds like you are 1) feeling insecure about yourself or 2) needing justification. Get over her man, plain and simple. Women LOVE confidence in a man, that doesn't mean cocky. Just be confident like me now. I know I will find someone I will fall in love with at some point, so dotn worry about all the strikeouts or let downs. Crap happens, but you can't dictate how much you get crapped on. Keep your head up man, you are doing just fine. Leave her alone to manipulate some other poor sap. Show her you have changed by not talking to her anymore and not giving her the satisfaction of talking with you. She is sooooo bad news, for anyone. Time to realize that huh?
    milliec's Avatar
    milliec Posts: 262, Reputation: 55
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    #14

    Apr 11, 2006, 01:55 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by jeffatl
    She is sooooo bad news, for anyone. Time to realize that huh?
    Couldn't agree more!
    I wouldn't have her as a friend. Please keep in mind I'm a "she" and I wouldn't trust her as a friend. I never met this person, but I got the impression she doesn't really knows what true friendship is all about, let alone love!
    Millie
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #15

    Apr 11, 2006, 02:53 AM
    This girl sounds like she is very used to getting what she wants and when she wants it. She is using the guilt tactic to get what she wants out of you!

    Cut all contact and get rid quickly - she is not someone worth having in your life. Plus you have done so well moving forward - why go backwards?
    03fridge's Avatar
    03fridge Posts: 21, Reputation: 3
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    #16

    Apr 11, 2006, 04:00 PM
    Time to realize that huh?


    So true. Nothing like a good nights sleep and a great day at work to get you out of a tail spin. Helps put you back into a right frame of mind. Thanks all for kicking me in the butt and also helping point out that people truly don't change who they really are, but mask it from time-to-time for their own needs.

    What the heck was I thinking... oh that's right I guess I wasn't. For some reason this is the only woman in my 43 years that can put me in a tailspin by me just hearing her name, and I have no idea why!:confused:
    jeffatl's Avatar
    jeffatl Posts: 489, Reputation: 83
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    #17

    Apr 11, 2006, 04:20 PM
    Hey, no problem. A lot of times it takes someone to just grab you and shake the crap out of you to get the point home. We all have weak moments now and then, but its all a learning experience. Just make sure you LEARN from this, and keep your head up. You are by no means a bad person for letting someone walk all over you, but its good that you see that even the best people (in your mind) can do some pretty crappy things. The anxiety that comes along with thinking about her and hearing her name will go away over time, trust me. Don't expect to never think about her again either. I still think about my ex everyday, but the sting will get less and less until it doesn't hurt anymore. It sucks I know, but you will grow so much from this experience, and really know what you want in a woman. Be single for a while, until you feel comforitable with yourself. I really feel for you. But things do get better. Heck, I got a message form ym ex today telling me she still thinks about me and what not... You learn to just shrug it off and keep doing what you are doing. Its so funny how much things can change in your life in under a year huh? Join a gym, or pick up some kind of a hobby to keep yourself busy for at least a few months. Forget about her changing, manipulators are insecure about themselves to begin with, and she will get hers. Don't feel bad about anything you have done, but learn from it. Think of things this way, at least you know exactly what you want and how you want to be treated. Things will get better, in due time.

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