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    happymonkey's Avatar
    happymonkey Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 10, 2015, 12:24 PM
    What is my ex thinking?
    Okay so let me start straight away, saves you digging through pages of info. I have been dating this girl for a half a year, she is 25, and I am 23. We had an amazing time together, planned so much stuff together (house, dog, future stuff) but, she has a problem. These last 2.5 years she has been using drugs. Cocaine. She calls it a little bit every weekend. Since she met me she doesn't because I have had a rough past a an addict so I don't ever want a relationship with someone like that.

    BUT, last Saturday she used and lied about it. I saw it at her face. Next day she was super upset, I passed out the same morning so I decided to take this up the next day but as soon as I woke up she was already looking at me and saying good morning to me in a I am so sorry kind of way. So we spoke. She has problems. As a partner I am here to help her and all that but I also had a downfall the same day. I was so upset, felt like my trust was broken.

    She broke up with me on the same Monday, blocked me everywhere possible. I wrote a letter yesterday telling her a lot of stuff. She is going to travel for Christmas to Dubai next Monday and she is spending two months working for charity in Costa Rica. It was my surprise to travel there without her knowing because I made good money and I quited my job.

    So yes. There are a lot of things going on here, she blocked me everywhere after breaking up with me and the reason was that she said that we weren't going to work out. I brough a letter to her yesterday which she probably read by now. I am devastated. She is also on Tinder because my friends found her and I don't have Tinder of course.

    Can someone explain me why she is breaking up with me after such a beautiful time? So abrupt and so heartless? What is she thinking off, is this her dealing with her being upset? I am left with so many questions and pain, all I got was we don't work out. And Monday she is flying out to Dubai. Im hurting.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #2

    Dec 10, 2015, 12:30 PM
    Just be glad you wasn't married 10 years and had 2.5 kids before she decided this.

    You aren't going to get answers, or at least answers that will satisfy you.. its just how it is.. you have to just accept it and move on.

    Yeah it sucks..yeah it hurts..but you will get over it. She's an addict...you know how people using can behave irratically more than most.

    There is probably a LOT more to this you don't even know, and that she would even admit to.

    You don't up and go to Dubi overnight You wouldn't be allowed to board the flight and if you got on the plane you would never be allowed out of the airport.....VISAS take significant time to acquire, etc....She has been planning this for a good while.
    happymonkey's Avatar
    happymonkey Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Dec 10, 2015, 12:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by smoothy View Post
    Just be glad you wasn't married 10 years and had 2.5 kids before she decided this.

    You aren't going to get answers, or at least answers that will satisfy you.. its just how it is.. you have to just accept it and move on.
    No exactly. But I do not understand what she is thinking to go from full throttle in love to being this heartless human being who blocks her crying ex girlfriend 3 days old on Whatsapp after seeing me cry and be so down. Like Ive never done that and I could never. How can humans be so hard without no reason? It can't just be only for the reason that it doesn't work out right? That is not a realistic reason at all when she is been the one using coke and me being nothing than a helping partner and in love and doing everything for her. I don't get it. It hurts so BAD.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #4

    Dec 10, 2015, 12:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by happymonkey View Post
    No exactly. But I do not understand what she is thinking to go from full throttle in love to being this heartless human being who blocks her crying ex girlfriend 3 days old on Whatsapp after seeing me cry and be so down. Like Ive never done that and I could never. How can humans be so hard without no reason? It can't just be only for the reason that it doesn't work out right? That is not a realistic reason at all when she is been the one using coke and me being nothing than a helping partner and in love and doing everything for her. I don't get it. It hurts so BAD.
    I added some more to my post. This action she made isn't something that was decided in a couple days... or even weeks... but likely something she decided at least a month or more ago. I am thinking even longer than that.

    Sounds a lot like she is a user....(uses people as well as coke)

    People like that are narcissists at heart, everything is about them...what is good for them and what you can do for them...

    The "doing everything for her" screams that more than anything.

    A good partner doesn't need, want or ask for anyone else to do everything for them.

    Partner means 50/50 not 100/0 90/10 or anything much more than 50/50 in their favor for receiving.


    And you rarely get an explanation at all, and if you get anything its abbreviated and rarely the full story.

    You can either beat yourself up for something you never did and probably wasn't your fault....or count your blessings and move on...you suffer a bit either way....its just over a lot quicker when you decide to move on.

    And trust me if it was something you did....you would have heard about it ad nauseum.

    I'm guessing she found a more wealthy sugar daddy.....one that will party with her and pay for her habit....
    happymonkey's Avatar
    happymonkey Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Dec 10, 2015, 12:53 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by smoothy View Post
    I added some more to my post. This action she made isn't something that was decided in a couple days... or even weeks... but likely something she decided at least a month or more ago. I am thinking even longer than that.

    Sounds a lot like she is a user....(uses people as well as coke)

    People like that are narcissists at heart, everything is about them...what is good for them and what you can do for them...

    The "doing everything for her" screams that more than anything.

    A good partner doesn't need, want or ask for anyone else to do everything for them.

    Partner means 50/50 not 100/0 90/10 or anything much more than 50/50 in their favor for recieving.


    And you rarely get an explanation at all, and if you get anything its abbreviated and rarely the full story.

    You can either beat yourself up for something you never did....or count your blessings and move on...you suffer a bit either way....its just over a lot quicker when you decide to move on.
    I am happy you reacted. Things give me more perspective now with your wise answers. It is easier for other people to see this because I am inside this hurt zone so I can't think clear on it. But yes I have the feeling there is a lot more she isn't telling me. And I think my power now can be to not show a single sign to her that she has me where she wants me to be. And this narcissist thing is very right.

    Yes she planned to go to Dubai for a cruise with her parents two months ago and the departure date is first Monday. And then she comes back and we were supposed to go to Amsterdam because that is where I come from. And then I was supposed to tell her I would go to Costa Rica to visit her and travel at the same time to. Cause that was her dream.

    So yes there is a lot of crap going on, and I have so many questions where I need to basically find my own answers on. With help from you now with an older and wiser view, its easier and it makes sense. Most people don't care to help because it takes energy.

    What frustrates me the most is that I never knew her at all. Because no normal human would suddenly decide oh my god its not working out, and cuts out all the contact, leaving me clueless.

    Quote Originally Posted by smoothy View Post
    I added some more to my post. This action she made isn't something that was decided in a couple days... or even weeks... but likely something she decided at least a month or more ago. I am thinking even longer than that.

    Sounds a lot like she is a user....(uses people as well as coke)

    People like that are narcissists at heart, everything is about them...what is good for them and what you can do for them...

    The "doing everything for her" screams that more than anything.

    A good partner doesn't need, want or ask for anyone else to do everything for them.

    Partner means 50/50 not 100/0 90/10 or anything much more than 50/50 in their favor for receiving.


    And you rarely get an explanation at all, and if you get anything its abbreviated and rarely the full story.

    You can either beat yourself up for something you never did and probably wasn't your fault....or count your blessings and move on...you suffer a bit either way....its just over a lot quicker when you decide to move on.

    And trust me if it was something you did....you would have heard about it ad nauseum.

    I'm guessing she found a more wealthy sugar daddy.....one that will party with her and pay for her habit....
    This Saturday one of the guys she dated with was at the party, she was drunk and I just came in. And she was sitting on his lap. And I am a girl by the way haha, for the notice. But anyway that guy and his friends are so free in drugs and living that way and being this spiritual coach and stuff. So it starts to make more and more sense. He was at his place the first night we broke up and we both wanted to speak, she said he was sleeping on the sofa and had to wake him up first. Very weird.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #6

    Dec 10, 2015, 01:13 PM
    I think the signs were there all along if you think about it... but your infatuation with her blinded you to them or made you explain them away to other reasons, you WANTED to see good and valid reasons even if you had to make them up. That's what usually happens.. it IS that common. Everyone has had that happen to them.. usually more than once.

    It takes a few of those before you really start to see things for how they are... if something doesn't seem right... it usually isn't.

    Trust me... I learned my lessons the hard way.. before 99.9% of the population even heard of the internet much less knew what it was or had it.

    Been there done that... didn't even get a t-shirt for my trouble.

    Like I said..think back at all the signs like those you mentioned and others you didn't.

    When you see how many there were..its going to be that much easier to move on...because its not as much of a blindside when you realize thinking back at all of them. (hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it)

    Don't be bitter or hold a grudge (it holds you back)...just be glad you found out now before you had a lot more time invested (or wasted depending on how you look at it).
    happymonkey's Avatar
    happymonkey Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Dec 10, 2015, 01:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by smoothy View Post
    I think the signs were there all along if you think about it... but your infatuation with her blinded you to them or made you explain them away to other reasons, you WANTED to see good and valid reasons even if you had to make them up. That's what usually happens.. it IS that common. Everyone has had that happen to them.. usually more than once.

    It takes a few of those before you really start to see things for how they are... if something doesn't seem right... it usually isn't.

    Trust me... I learned my lessons the hard way.. before 99.9% of the population even heard of the internet much less knew what it was or had it.

    Been there done that... didn't even get a t-shirt for my trouble.

    Like I said..think back at all the signs like those you mentioned and others you didn't.

    When you see how many there were..its going to be that much easier to move on...because its not as much of a blindside when you realize thinking back at all of them. (hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it)

    Don't be bitter or hold a grudge (it holds you back)...just be glad you found out now before you had a lot more time invested (or wasted depending on how you look at it).
    Yea you know you're right. I just need to give this some time and focus on me and let her do and travel and use all the stuff she wants to. I subscribed myself from her issues, cause clearly this girl has a lot of issues. And I thought it was me she blamed it on. God I clearly thought that wrong
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,244, Reputation: 10853
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    #8

    Dec 10, 2015, 03:11 PM
    In time you will see that she has not only issues of her own, but an agenda for more fun without you, and with others. Probably has nothing to do with you, just how she feels, but she is who she is, and now you know.

    Fun while it lasted but like any relationship that fails because one partner has different ideas, it sucks to be dumped but it doesn't have to hurt forever, that part is up to YOU. Doesn't matter what she is thinking... it does matter how you handle YOURSELF.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #9

    Dec 11, 2015, 08:26 AM
    I think you are both messed up, equally.

    The relationship is only six months old, and always in the beginning of a relationship, you learn about each other, after the initial euphoria wears off.

    With you two, she has learned you are an ex addict, you've 'passed out' due to.. Drugs, alcohol? She is also using, regularly.

    Then, you quit your job, and lament a broken relationship, that was broken from the get-go.

    Had you been together for even a few years, I can see where you or her, would be supportive as problems come up, and work through them together. But, after six months, I think you BOTH should be grateful that the relationship ended before it imploded. Or, before a child was brought into this mess, or you had shared assets, etc.

    Consider yourself lucky to be rid of an active cocaine user, and she should consider herself lucky, being rid of a man who quits his well paying job, also uses to some extent, and has extremely unrealistic expectations of a relationship, that never was.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #10

    Dec 11, 2015, 08:34 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by happymonkey View Post
    Can someone explain me why she is breaking up with me after such a beautiful time? So abrupt and so heartless? What is she thinking off, is this her dealing with her being upset? I am left with so many questions and pain, all I got was we don't work out. And Monday she is flying out to Dubai. Im hurting.
    Perception is a huge thing in life. You're entire world is jaded by it and you're really not aware by how much. You call this a beautiful thing and it probably was in your view, but maybe not so much in her view. Cocaine is addicitive, you can't front that and you've battled with addiction. You essentially got her to quit one of her vices cold turkey. That is a big thing. She slipped and realized what all she gave up and probably decided that it wasn't worth it. None of us are as strong as we want to be.

    It was also a relationship that was still in the honeymoon/lets get to know each other phase. It wasn't a long relationship and she decided that it wasn't what she wanted. You saw a future that she didn't. It is fun to talk about what is going to come but in the end it is just clouds in your coffee. There could have been something that you didn't see and you will probably never know.

    My advice to you is to stop dwelling on this. You did your best but sometimes it will never be enough. Beating yourself up on this and trying to figure this all out isn't going do anyone any bit of good. Move on.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #11

    Dec 11, 2015, 08:39 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    I think you are both messed up, equally.

    The relationship is only six months old, and always in the beginning of a relationship, you learn about each other, after the initial euphoria wears off.

    With you two, she has learned you are an ex addict, you've 'passed out' due to.. Drugs, alcohol? She is also using, regularly.

    Then, you quit your job, and lament a broken relationship, that was broken from the get-go.

    Had you been together for even a few years, I can see where you or her, would be supportive as problems come up, and work through them together. But, after six months, I think you BOTH should be grateful that the relationship ended before it imploded. Or, before a child was brought into this mess, or you had shared assets, etc.

    Consider yourself lucky to be rid of an active cocaine user, andshe should consider herself lucky, being rid of a man who quits his well paying job, also uses to some extent, and has extremely unrealistic expectations of a relationship, that never was.

    You missed it earlier in one of her answers Post #5... but the OP is a female as well.

    I made that assumption at first as well.

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