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Hitch21 · Sep 2, 2007, 10:22 PM

I'm in a serious dilemma. I need input from others, what do you consider cheating?

If finding out that your significant other for the past few years, has been on an adult sex hookup wesbite, and goes on it at times. What would you do? How do you confront him/her?
Is it really consider cheating if you compliment other girls, email them telling them how attractive they are.

pugsley26 · Sep 2, 2007, 11:32 PM

Its fantasizing incorporate yourself into his fantasies and it more then likely will stop

s_cianci · Sep 3, 2007, 07:55 AM

I would consider that cheating, at least in spirit if not literally.

talaniman · Sep 3, 2007, 08:14 AM

Even in this new electronic age, he is cheating. I would confront him and let him know how you feel about his computer habits.

excon · Sep 3, 2007, 08:48 AM

Originally Posted by Hitch21

I'm in a serious dilemma. I need input from others, what do you consider cheating?

Hello Hitch:

I would consider SCREWING somebody else to be cheating. Flirting isn't.

That doesn't mean he doesn't have the INTENTION of cheating, and it looks like he might. THAT, in an of itself, is a problem. And, I think you need to address it. However, if you begin the conversation by accusing him of "cheating", you will NOT accomplish your goals. In fact, I wouldn't begin ANY conversation with an accusation….. unless you want an argument.

Of course, I'm speaking from my own experience. I had a lady that I was committed to. I believed in my commitment, and was NOT wandering or even thinking about it... I did NOT promise, however, to never check out another woman again. Now, I never did it blatantly, and I didn't oogle, but I did look. But, that's all I was doing, was looking. To me, it meant nothing. To her, it meant everything. To her, I was cheating, and she constantly accused me of it.

We're not together anymore.

excon

Ash123 · Sep 3, 2007, 09:02 AM

He has not broken the law, but he has broken your trust.
Communicate immediately. See how he reacts.

To have him giving attention elsewhere hurts.
So, don't feel bad talking to about this.
And consider some couples therapy. Something he hasn't voiced - is being filled online.
Perhaps you can get to the bottom of it now.

Dennis777 · Sep 3, 2007, 09:27 AM

Hello.

The big question is, does he do more then flirt with them. We all flirt in one way or another. YES even the ladies flirt and enjoy it when a Man looks at them. I think as long as he is keeping it on the net and not meeting them it's something to talk about but I wouldn't call it cheating.

If you wear a low cut top to the mall knowing guys are going to look at your assets is that cheating. Your doing it in real life not over the net where no one knows who you are. Something to think about.

OK before everyone says she can wear anything she wants, I agree, in fact I think its healthy for her to act sexy and make herself feel good. We all need that and to some they get it from being who they can't be in real life over the net.

Dennis777

xxsamxx110 · Sep 3, 2007, 09:53 AM

Yes I would consider anything from a kiss in person as cheating (even a hug if too close ;) ) how did you find out about him using the site? I would also count it as cheating. If he respects you and wants your trust etc he would not be on the site. I find it insulting if my boyfriend makes comments on others and it makes me insecure. I would tell him this and explain why I ddnt want him to do certain things rather than just say he's not to do it.

carping_mama · Sep 3, 2007, 10:14 AM

Originally Posted by Hitch21

I'm in a serious dilemma. I need input from others, what do you consider cheating?

if finding out that your significant other for the past few years, has been on an adult sex hookup wesbite, and goes on it at times. what would you do? how do you confront him/her?
is it really consider cheating if you compliment other girls, email them telling them how attractive they are.

I don't consider that cheating, no touching involved, but if it were cyber sex, then absolutely cheating. Just tell him you were on the computer and happened to see what he was doing, and ask him what you can do to fulfill his fantasies, or ask him why he feels it necessary to do that, he should be spending his time telling you that, not someone else. I know it hurt to see that, but the best thing in a relationship is honesty, communication, and trust. If this is a serious thing you have going with him, try to save it if you think its worth saving. Talk to him and see what the next step should be in your relationship. Try your best to listen and to be understanding of his feelings, even though your mad as hell

Hitch21 · Sep 3, 2007, 10:14 AM

How can I confront him without starting an argument and having to be blamed, since I snooped through his mail.

excon · Sep 3, 2007, 10:19 AM

Originally Posted by Hitch21

How can I confront him without starting an argument and having to be blamed, since I snooped through his mail.

Hello Hitch:

Confronting him IS going to start an argument. Plus, you don't have to tell him you snooped. Make love to him... Do it different. Do him good.

Then ask him what else he might want to satisfy him? It's awfully hard to argue when you're naked.

excon

Hitch21 · Sep 3, 2007, 10:37 AM

Well, he seems to be ignoring me, so I can't even get to see him, to talk to him and make things better and casually bring anything up..

So I don't know what to do...

carping_mama · Sep 3, 2007, 10:43 AM

Hey hitch, I don't consider it cheating, no touching involved, but with cybersex, its different I consider that cheating because you're getting off with someone else. The most important things in a relationship are trust, honesty and communication, which I'm sure you know. If you have something serious with this person, and something worth saving, talk to him about it and see what needs to be done to improve your relationship. He should be spending his time telling you nice things like that not someone else. How to tell him you saw it, well that's iffy, there's no easy way to do that. Let him know you stumbled acrossed it on accident, he shouldn't be hiding anything from you to begin with, so he shouldn't mind if your snooping, but of course he was hiding something and that will be the whole reason for him to be angry. Hope this helps! Good Luck!
From:carping_mama

Hitch21 · Sep 3, 2007, 10:49 AM

Well,I know, but right now my problem is getting to see him and talk to him. I don't want to talk to him over the phone, and I want to take care of it in person.
And I have tried and he's just not being responsive. He hasn't been calling, he hasn't been picking up, I sent him messages online, and he hasn't answered back. We kind of got into an argument yesterday and haven't talked to him since. I don't know how to get his damn attention and sit down and talk

That's the problem and I don't know what to do because I just can't wait anymore

excon · Sep 3, 2007, 10:53 AM

Originally Posted by Hitch21

i dont know what to do because i just can't wait anymore

Hello again Hitch:

Frankly, I think you waited too long.

If he's your significant other and you can't get a hold of him, I don't think you're his significant other any more. Time to move on.

excon

shortyz · Sep 3, 2007, 03:24 PM

I think that you are worried for nothing. I think that its not cheating. Cheating is when you find out that he/she is seeing someone else or having sex with them.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 3, 2007, 03:42 PM

If he is sneaking around doing something he does not want you to know about, he's cheating. I would consider what he's doing a form of cheating. I would let him know that it bothers you. If he continues to do it, that would tell me that my feelings are not important to him, and he would be history.

talaniman · Sep 3, 2007, 04:45 PM

The sneaking around bothers me too. What's worse is he cannot be a man and talk about it with you. On top of all that, he choses to disappear?? I'll bet there is much more to this story.

SnakeBite · Sep 3, 2007, 06:28 PM

Originally Posted by Hitch21

I'm in a serious dilemma. I need input from others, what do you consider cheating?

if finding out that your significant other for the past few years, has been on an adult sex hookup wesbite, and goes on it at times. what would you do? how do you confront him/her?
is it really consider cheating if you compliment other girls, email them telling them how attractive they are.

If there is no physical contact, there is no cheating...
How can you cheat on a computer? LOL

Trouble321 · Sep 3, 2007, 06:36 PM

Why is all blame falling on the guy?
She admits to snooping through his stuff, getting his password and invading his privacy.
So who exactly is "sneaking around" here?
I'd say there are some major trust issues going on here.