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    Jenn044's Avatar
    Jenn044 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 4, 2018, 10:01 AM
    What do I say when my dad said to me that there won't be any wedding?
    This was a little over a year ago when he said it after I came home from my date and felt very happy and my dad saw me like that and I think he thought I got engaged, he said it in an angry/mean tone, since then when he said it, I have been feeling very desperate and feel like my dad doesn't want or even deserve me to be happy and have happiness in the relationship I am in. I am almost 27, an only child, not engaged but have a boyfriend and we are dating for 3 years now and my dad said we can only date and nothing else in the future, my dad can be pretty strict and is a very serious man but can have humor at times, my relationship with my dad is all right though we do have communication problems at times and don't talk much, but when we do, like when we talk about an issue, my dad says "don't get wise with me" but what I say I am only expressing my opinion, so it is not easy to talk to him about things and sometimes I have a question or questions, my dad doesn't seem to like to answer or simply just ignores me most of the time, that's how I feel. To that I feel discouraged to speak up my thoughts or ask anything because I already know how he could react as he does most of the time so I just prefer not to speak up also to avoid any arguments or disagreements that only stresses me out. I respect my dad and his opinions but he doesn't respect mines and it feels unfair and I feel depressed about that. My family members ask when will there be a wedding and I don't know what to say.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #2

    Jan 4, 2018, 11:04 AM
    Why are you still living at home? Do you have training or college, and do you have a job?

    Are you required to live at home because of the culture or religion you're in?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #3

    Jan 4, 2018, 11:46 AM
    Where in the world? In my country, the US, this is unheard of. Anyone of your age who doesn't have the approval of a parent just does what she or he wants without that parent.
    If you need a dowry to be married where you are, then tell us so.
    If you just want a nice wedding that costs money, get married with nothing but the filing fee, and have nothing more to do with your father until he accepts you with the man you married.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Jan 4, 2018, 11:47 AM
    What country are you from? Most American females don't let dad decide such things for them, unless they are from strict cultures with a tradition that dads have the final say in such matters. As long as you are in his house then he makes the rules, and probably will never change his mind. You need a better perspective, your dad allows you to date a young man of YOUR choice, and doesn't insist you marry someone you have no interest in.

    I think counting your blessings will give you some peace of mind. You answer others with a simple "I DON"T KNOW! HAVEN"T THOUGHT OF IT" and leave it at that when they ask when is the wedding. So don't be depressed because you disagree on a few issues with your dad, that's pretty much par for the course wherever you are. Most kids feel as you do so you are hardly alone, that's why they leave when they can. I actually think you are more fortunate than most.

    Again, what country, region are you in? Do you work, or have an education? What does your mom say? What does your boyfriend say? These are all important questions for you to answer please, for the best suggestions.
    Jenn044's Avatar
    Jenn044 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jan 4, 2018, 01:44 PM
    Wondergirl- I live with my parents because I am the main caregiver looking after my mom who has a mental illness, I have finished college studies but currently don't have a job and there is not reason I live with my parents because of culture or religion, the reason is because I am looking after my mom.

    joypulv- I live in Canada but in not rush to move out, just feeling bad about my dad said and his opinion about my relationship.

    talaniman- I live in Canada but my background is Polish, both of my parents immigrated from Poland and I was born in Canada. I currently don't work because I am the main caregiver and look after my mom who has a mental illness, but I have finished college, my mom doesn't approve of what my dad says and his opinion and says it is not nice how he said it to me, I prefer not to mention this to my boyfriend because I am uncertain how he might react to it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Jan 4, 2018, 03:15 PM
    Thank you for adding that info. I had my suspicions that your dad and mom needed you, but your dad never expressed it that way, as the thought of you leaving would be terrifying to them. I suspect too, your boyfriend already has thoughts of your situation. How could he not after 3 years of dating? I can certainly see where you could be sensitive and frustrated by this circumstance you find yourself in, and caught between responsibility, and the need to be acknowledged and accepted as an adult yourself by your parents. What ADULT child would not, no matter your age.

    I can only suggest you not take your dad's brusqueness on this subject personally, as it no doubt is due to his own FEARS, and frustration from that FEAR. Some issues between people take MANY years to resolve so be patient. I know, much easier said than done. Patience is NEVER that easy at all, and requires MUCH practice. It would help to understand your parents, especially your dad's fears and frustrations.

    Deal with your own stress in a constructive way. Do you have a close female friend that you trust?
    Jenn044's Avatar
    Jenn044 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jan 4, 2018, 03:54 PM
    talaniman- Thank you too for your helpful answers, I agree it is quite an uneasy situation that I have to deal with my dad's attitude at times while I look after my mom, I am very grateful of them though that they raised me well, it is just that I do think of the future and life of my own but in no rush about it, but I do feel this injustice how both my parents didn't go through what I am going through which I don't wish for them or anyone. To your question, I don't really have close friends after finishing school but I do have an aunt and cousin as female family member and of course my mom is my closest but don't actually talk to them about these things as I don't want to irritate my mom about this or to hassle my family members so I am interested in others opinions.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #8

    Jan 4, 2018, 04:49 PM
    You were born and educated in Canada? I'm sorry but based on your writing I'm not believing that.

    If you're in Canada and your religion isn't prohibiting you from marrying the man of your choosing, then what your father said doesn't matter. No, you can't marry your boyfriend and bring him to your parents house to live with you, but you can move out, marry him and live the life you want to live. There's absolutely nothing preventing you from doing that.

    I admire that you're taking care of your mother, but how long are you going to put your life on hold to care for her? You're 27, apparently have a college degree, and no job. The longer you wait the harder it will be.

    Now, be honest, you weren't born and raised in Canada, were you? No way you went to college in Canada, not with your grasp of the English language.

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