Hello all, I'm new to the site but have been reading a number of posts that have honestly given me a lot of clarity in my situation. Anyway, this is essentially what happened:

I met this girl in late October and we really got along well. The only hold up was of course the fact that she had a boyfriend at the time. None the less, we clearly had a lot of chemistry and that added to the fact what she was essentially a part-time girlfriend to her ex led to their inevitable breakup in late January. A few weeks prior to their breakup, I had a talk with her intended to clarify our situation as we did a lot of heavy flirting throughout the first few months we knew each other. She told me during this talk that she has constantly been in relationships for the last 9 years (since she was 15 years old – a 3 year followed directly by a 5 year followed directly by a 1 year) and she really just honestly wanted to be single and free to do what she wanted when she wanted without having to keep someone else informed.

After she broke up with her boyfriend on January 30th, we started dating immediately. This is where the mistakes started. I practically moved in with her from the get go. I slept in the same bed as her at least 6 days a week for the entire time we were together. Things were going absolutely wonderfully. We had such amazing chemistry, never fought, and genuinely cared for one another. As we were acting like boyfriend and girlfriend, I wanted clarity as to what we really were. She was insistent at first that we were "dating" and she wanted to remain single for a least a few months. Though my own personally insecurity issues, this was unacceptable to me as in my mind this meant that she possibly wanted to find another guy. I was afraid that I would fall in love with this girl and then lose her without having a chance. I now realize that the truth is she was mine all along; she just wanted to feel free to make her own decisions.

We had an amazing Valentines Day and became official that night - she was no longer single. Another amazing week went by and then on a fateful Saturday night, she was going to go out with a bunch of girlfriends, something I had no problem with. Her ex works as a sound guy at a local bar, a part time job for him, and she was going to go to that bar, which I also had no problem with. That night though, she was supposed to come stay over my place and all I got at the end of the night was a text message that said "Jessica drove us to the bar...I'm going to sleep at her place tonight...I'll call you tomorrow". The next day I didn't talk to her until the late evening, when she asked me to come over. I absolutely acted differently at her house as I was very worried about what may have happened the night before. Her actions were very atypical from the way they had been at the beginning on our relationship and I was confused. I honestly worried that she saw her ex and it rekindled some sort of feelings in her. She admittedly said that he still loved her and had told her as much, but I was still worried to a point that I only slept for 2 hours. The next morning, I asked her how much I need to worry about him and she said something to the extent of “You don't need to worry about him. You don't trust me. This isn't good – this is why I was worried about moving so fast.”

The next week was definitely different. She was acting slightly distant and this was a major cause of concern. I got to a point that I honestly did trust her when she said that nothing happened and just wanted things to go back to normal. I stayed over her house last Sunday night and when we went to bed, I asked her why she was acting so oddly and what was wrong. She said that she felt somewhat smothered and felt like she always had to report in to me and tell me what was going on in her life and it was confusing her. I didn't spend the night Monday, but she did call me later that night to ask if I wanted to get dinner Tuesday. At dinner, when it was nearing an end, I asked her if she had thought any more about our talk on Sunday to which she responded that she had. We had a minor conversation in which not much new was discussed. Then, I told her that over the past few days I had felt somewhat nervous that a breakup was coming. She hesitated in her response, and the breakup commenced.

During our conversation about breaking up, she told me that she honestly and wholeheartedly loved me, she thought I treated her as well as she could have ever hoped, she knew that I cared for her tremendously, and she had more fun with me than she has had with anyone in a long time. She once again proclaimed that she had been in relationships for 9 years straight and didn't want to feel obligated to keep another person informed of the decisions she made even though she admitted that she knew I never needed that from her. She said that starting on the morning I asked her about what happened with her ex and if I needed to worry about him, she realized that she really did have an obligation to keep me informed and that was exactly what she didn't want to have to do – that is why she wanted to take things slowly with me and remain single at the beginning. It didn't even matter whether I wanted or needed to know where she was or what she was doing. She said she worried that if we stayed together and she ignored these feelings then at some point down the road, these feelings would come bubbling to the surface and we would have a terrible breakup and that she would resent me. She said she still wanted to see me and be friends - we could still go out to dinner, go out to the movies, and take trips and such, but that she wanted to be single. Another important thing – we have a 5 day trip planned from March 16th to March 21st (another mutual friend is coming as well), so it was decided that if we were to still go, we needed to see each other a few times prior to that day.

As hard as it was, I didn't contact her the day after the breakup. It was the first time since the middle of January that I didn't see her or talk to her. Then, yesterday morning (2 days after breakup night), she sent me a text: “Would you like to see a movie on sat night?” I responded an hour later that that would probably work and after it was all said and done (we had a short text conversation that I ended after 3 texts), we had a “date” scheduled per se. I'd like to believe that she sent me the text so soon because she misses me the way I miss her, but I obviously can't say that for sure.

I don't know what to say or do at this point. I apologize for the novel above, but the people at this site seem to give well thought out, honest input. Right now I'd say that what I truly want is to get this amazing girl back, but I do recognize that one day I would get over her. I know there is nothing I can do or say to take her desires of freedom away, and I wouldn't want to immediately either as I feel like this could be a recurring problem if she ignored it.

At this point, I just want to know if it would be foolish for me to try to clarify that we are still dating as opposed to just being friends, because I don't know if I am ready for that yet. If I am to truly believe that she honestly loves me, which I do believe, I can't see any reason that she would be opposed to keeping me in her life as more than a friend. I don't need to be her boyfriend right now, but I want to know that I am at least considered someone she is dating, albeit not exclusively. Am I being unrealistic and foolish or should I try to get clarity?

Thank you all very much in advance for your help.

Adam

I'm glad you read the other posts because it may have giving you insight to your mistakes. In my opinion relationship grown through stages and each stage there is a time frame some shorter than others.

Interest stage You have two have interest in each other you may flirt and talk, but nothing concrete.

Courtship stage this is the stage where you go out on dates. This is the stage where people try to win each other over. Some people have sex during this stage I would recommend it because he/she may have other sexually partners. There really isn't a commitment.

Boyfriend and Girlfriend stage - you have dated for some time now and both of you are ready to commitment to seeing each other exclusively. You probably have sex, spending the night and may even decide to live together.

Engagement – You decide that you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

Marriage – You get married, kids, house and try to live happily ever after.

I think you skip stages or you ran through them too quickly and this made her uncomfortable. She allowed you to run through the stages and even helped because the two of you were happy and enjoying it. Then she spent the night out and it's an issue. She says to herself I don't want this!

Now, you did every right to be worried and ask about her where abouts. It that stage of the game she is obligated to call you can say baby “I'm not coming home tonight I'm sleeping over Kim's house.” And you had the right to say I rather you not spend the night over there I rather you come home. If she refuses…personally I would break-up. You don't spend the night out when you are in a committed relationship unless there is some type of emergency and you can't get home.

The relationship ended and you did the right thing by not calling. Then she calls texts you lets go out. Which is a great thing; it shows you that she really wants to be with you in some way.

The relationship was demoted back to the courtship stage. Now, she can go out with you and enjoy you company without the obligation of having to make the call. She can go to the clubs, spend the night out will her girlfriends. If you are not comfortable with this I would suggest you don't date her. Tell that you understand where is coming from but at this stage in your life I'm not looking for this type of relationship. Chalk it up to bad timing maybe in the future she will be ready to go to that stage but in no way should you wait for her.

As far as your insecurities stems from that fact that your relationship is fruits of a bad tree. She was in a relationship during first two stages of your relationship. So you don't trust her and you develop that trust in the boyfriend and girlfriend stage.

Oh Darlin, I'm sorry. You're ready for a relationship with an amazing girl, but she is scarred from her past. She's not ready for what you want. What you want is not wrong, but neither is what she wants.

You've handled this perfectly. Your honest, upfront conversations with her are exactly what I would have recommended doing along the way of your "breakup."

It sounds like you have amazing chemistry, a potential future, and a wonderful relationship... but hon, she's not ready for it yet. If you decide to wait until she is ready, you will probably, one day be rewarded. But, by waiting, you may miss another equally as wonderful opportunity for a relationship with an equally as amazing woman.

Believe me, I know that the "going backwards" is the hardest thing for you to have to deal with... but its what she is wanting right now. You've shown an amazing wealth of understanding and honor in this situation.

Bottom line:

If you choose to wait, then patiently wait. She will probably one day come around. No one can give you a time limit to this, she is the only one who knows when she will be ready.

If you choose to move on, move on. Wish her well, remain friends, but go on into that future that awaits you... you deserve someone as IN the relationship as you are, you shouldn't have to settle as an option when you deserve to be a priority.

Unfortunetly I don't see the same as others on this topic.

Couple of issues stick out. She told you she broke up with her b/f because she needed the freedom, that she was involved with 3 guys spanning 9 years correct? If that be true than why in the world did you jump all over this and start dating her right away? Why in the world did she play along with it only to turn around and use the same line she used before you guys were dating? She wants space.

Those are pretty big mistakes, mistakes that arise from jumping into a relationship head first. I think there are other issues at work in this story, perhaps your own self confidence. Seems to me your actions indicate that your not all that confident in yourself, I say this based on the fact that you jumped right into it, the fact that as soon as the ex was mentioned you began questioning her loyalty. That's something to look into because I think it is the driving force behind this whole situation.

She wants space, she's said it many times before the relationship and now again after it, I don't agree with the way she has handled the situation as it seems like she is playing the poor me card while she goes out and deals with multiple suitors. As it stands, she has her ex telling her he loves her, and she has you waiting for whenever she wants to do something, pretty good situation for a girl no?

You got to leave her alone, nothing you sayis going to magically make her settle down with you, no doubt she is confused over many things. Let her be, don't be available to her all the time, you cannot handle being friends at this point and if you convince yourself you are capable of that you will find out the hard way. Distance my friend, anything else would be a huge error.

Give her what you should have in the beginning, time to heal. Right now that's what you both need, so save the confusion, and leave her alone, for both your sakes. Couples always crash and burn, when they jump in way to fast, and skip the important steps of getting over the exes, and getting to slowly know future partners.

Thank you all for your input.

Since I originally posted this, a little bit has happened. She called me the following morning to confirm our movie plans. During this conversation, I told her I'd call her the next day at some point. She didn't wait and she contacted me the next day as well.

We met up at a local mall at 7:15 to go to dinner and the movies. She let me pay for everything during the night without so much as an offer. We walked around the mall a bit after dinner and prior to the movies. There was a little bit of touching (arms around each other, etc... ) but not too much else up to that point.

Then, the movie started at 10:40. In the theater, we held hands virtually the entire time and at one point, she lifted the arm rest between us so she could get close to me and lay on my shoulder. At one point, we were talking with our faces directly in front of one another (noses touching) and we kissed a couple of times. After the movie was over, we went to my car and had a small discussion.

I asked her during the discussion if she missed me during the week and she told me she did sometimes and didn't sometimes. She said she was pretty much fine though and happy with where things currently are. She was VERY irritated that I was discussing this issue with her again though. She also informed me that part of the reason for our breakup was the fact that she had been getting irritated with me throughout the previous couple of weeks and she felt that the "honeymoon was over" so early in the relationship even though I disagree with that.

Needless to say, she said that she is worried that if we casually date, I will read too much into every kiss and everything touch and think that we are finally getting back together. Even though it will be very hard for me, I'm determined not to do this. I realize that it is a long road ahead. The result of our conversation was that she considers it acceptable to casually date. What that entails exactly is yet to be seen. I know that she doesn't want me sleeping over at her place anymore for the time being. We will continue to have some sort of intimate contact (kissing at the very least), but I'm wondering if this is really a good idea. None the less, at the end of the night when she was about to leave, we did a little bit of making out in the car and she was relatively in to it.

I know I really need to start dating other girls and that will hopefully either tell me to move on or convince me even more to stay. I just feel like right now my ex is having her cake and eating it too and I don't know if that is acceptable.

Am I foolish for loving this girl enough to wait around for her? I feel like as long as she has been honest with me, patience will be rewarded. I know I have to back off on my pressure or I will chase her away quickly and things will never work, but I'm committed to acting the way she wants me to because I care about her and want her back. I know no one can tell me exactly what to do, but hopefully someone can guide me in the right direction?

She seems to still want me, so I don't know what to do. Any ideas?

Adam

I'm kind of old fashion so paying for a night out with a woman I'm interest in really would have been a problem, but everyone different. From what you wrote you had a great date. The two of you held hands and kissed a couple times. Then you get to the car now instead of driving her home and kissing her good night. You get into a heavy discussion about you're her feelings about you, feelings that ultimately lead to the relationship demotion. In her mind you guys started over and this is a new relationship. Its time to get to know each enjoy the company, spend nights over the phone, both refusing to say goodbye. If you don't feel that you can do that, then you have to tell her that you rather not date her.

Now, are you foolish for loving her?

No, of course not. I don't think we get to choose who we fall in love with it just happens.

Wait around? Are you talking about waiting for the relationship to progress to the next stage?

No don't have to wait.

Please understand that both parties have to be comfortable progressing to the next stage. For some people it is just not in the cards. I know men and women don't believe in committed relationship, they came life is to short. There are plenty of people in the dating stage bail because the other person doesn't want to move to the next level.

Try to give the relationship a chance. Get about 6 to 7 good dates under your belt. If by that time you feel that the relationship is not going anywhere. End it and tell her "I really care for you but I don't feel like this relationship is going anywhere and I really want to be in a committed relationship with some that feels the same way." The relationship would have ended on good terms so the door is open if one day she decides she wants to be in a committed relationship and call you that option is available to you. But the meantime you dating and you have prospects. Who knows you may fall in love with another woman.

Please note that your date counter is reset when you have a bad date.

My point about me paying was not so much intended to show that I minded, as I have always paid and do not mind it at all. I was just slightly perturbed that we hadn't seen each other since we broke up and she still assumed that the night was on me. Even had she offered, I wouldn't have let her pay. I just didn't like that she assumed that her "ex" boyfriend was still going to cover her when we hadn't truly established yet exactly what our relationship had been relegated to.

It is funny how cut and dry this situation really is - it truly is just as easy as you put it. Though I'm not sure our history together will allow things to progress quite as you stated them, the reality is that we still clearly do have some sort of chemistry and are both interested in some capacity. All I can really do is wait and see at this point. I'll continue to show her a good time and keep my hopes up, but also look elsewhere for someone that might be willing to commit to something more. One way or another, things will work out.

In the meantime, I have decided to go on the trip to Florida with her and her friend. Instead of focusing on the fact that I'm miserable without her, I'm going to focus on having fun with her and try to show her as good a time as possible without pressuring her too much. If that isn't good enough for her, I suppose it is her issue, not mine.

Adam

Whoa, whoa I wouldn't go on any trip with her at this point things are going to start getting confusing. Couples go on trips. Sounds like she wants benefits of being a couple without being a couple. You are heading in a danger zone.

This trip was planned from before we even were dating in the first place. It isn't just going to be the 2 of us either - there is a mutual friend coming as well. I was somewhat hesitant in going and she told me that she understands if I don't want to go. She seems to want me to go though and at this point, I'm thinking that it is going to be a good gauge to see if I can truly handle remaining in contact with her. If the trip goes well, and there is no reason it shouldn't, I feel like things can proceed. Otherwise, I'm going to have to cut contact off with her for a little while.

Adam
The way I see this , you are far more invested in this than she is. She has stated that she doesn't want to be with you exclusively , you can take that whichever way you want but the message is pretty clear.
She knows you will just hang around and be there for her whenever she wants. I'm not saying she is a bad person for that as she obviously has her reasons and has been honest with you.

So you have a decision to make , hang about and be her backup whenever she needs you , or you can let her know she either has all of you or none of you. It sounds to me like you aren't ready to be "just friends".

Look , I'm all for 2 people who love each other to be together and live happily after , but it has to be a two way street. Leave her be for now in my opinion , and if she really loves you she will come running back when she realises she might lose you.

There are plenty of women out there that would love to date an intelligent, kind, caring man like you, this girl isn't one of them. If you think that you can "just be friends" with her than go for it. Obviously this casual dating thing isn't what you want, and you shouldn't have to settle because she isn't ready.

I would tell her that you don't want a casual relationship, you can understand why she isn't ready, but this isn't working for you. It's either all or nothing, if she chooses nothing and can handle just being friends than you have to decide at that time whether you can handle that.

You're right, she's having her cake and eating it too and you don't get a say in it. She invites you to the movie and expects you to pay after telling you that she doesn't want a serious relationship with you. She's sending you mixed messages and it's time to put a stop to it, otherwise you're going to end up suffering emotionally.

I realize that you care about her, but she's just playing with you. Cut her loose as a girlfriend and find someone else. There are plenty of fish in the sea, you'll find one that wants you as much as you want her. Maybe someone with a little less baggage and not so many issues.

I wish you all the best. Don't give up hope.

Thanks to everyone for their help. For the time being, I'm going to try to convince myself it is day 1 of dating and do things the right way this time around. I'm of course going to leave my options open, but that doesn't mean I can't still go out with her and have fun in the meantime. If things progress, they progress. Otherwise, there are plenty of other girls.

That doesn't change the fact that I have a heavy heart and am still longing to have her back but at the same time, I realize that this course of action is what gives me the best chance of that scenario coming to fruition. I care about her too much to completely let go without a fight but realize the personal struggles that will come along with that. I'm committed to making things work but, if they don't, life goes on - it just sucks sometimes I suppose...

Adam

Great I'm glad you came to this conclusion because this in my opinion is the best course of action. Remember you are a good man and any women will tell you that it's a hard thing to find.

Thanks for the update.. hope to hear from you again.

So, long story short - my girlfriend broke up with me because she said she had been in 3 relationships for a solid 9 straight years combined (a relationship jumper per se) and wanted to know what it was like to not be obligated to someone. We took a step back to casual dating, but she was dating her previous ex-boyfriend as well. This bugged me so much that it got to a point that I essentially ended my relationship with her a second time as I felt that she was having her cake and eating it too. Her ex is deeply afraid of commitment (or at least was - apparently he has changed tune at this point). It was apparent to me that it had turned into me being the "fun guy" to date - the guy that took her places and did things with her and he was the "intimate guy". In other words, I realized that all things equal, if he did the things she was looking for, he was the choice. Add to this the fact that she told me she still loved him (and told him this as well), and I was done.

Ever since then, I've been extremely confused by her. Though I realize that she is honestly not currently datable and perhaps I'm simply holding on to good, nostalgic feelings and memories of her, I still want to make things work one day in the future.

Every time we've hung out since that all occurred 2 weeks ago, it has been awkward thanks to her. I only try to have fun with her, but she is constantly getting irritated with everything I do and telling me so. It is seriously as if she starts a countdown every time I see her - like she fully expects me to piss her off every time we're together. But then, a few days later, she'll always call me for no reason and we'll end up talking for an hour or so. She last called me yesterday morning at 11am to basically tell me about her weekend and just talk. It was a pointless, irrelevant call.

I don't think I love her anymore but I do still care for her tremendously and do want to try things out again at some point in the future. Anyone have any idea what the heck this girl is thinking and why she is acting this way?

You are correct.. she is definitely "having her cake and eating it too," and you my friend are an enabler. If you stay in her life (hang out with her, take her places, etc) than why would she get rid of this other guy? She has everything she wants (even if she is finding it in two guys). You need to put a stop to this one ended relationship for good. I know that you care about her, but until a "want" for her stops, you need to cut contact. You aren't helping yourself by continuing to stay in her life. I think you need to cut your losses at this point. Once she realizes that you aren't going to take it, she may decide you are the one that she wants. Or in another scenario.. once you realize you can cut ties with her... you may decide she's NOT the one for you. I wish you the best of luck. Just remember to look out for you... you are the only one who is going to do this!

<3 Leslie

Nkychic is dead on the money here, and you can stay to impress, or go down your own path without her. You're the one letting her have her cake, and enjoying it. Disappear from her life, and stop the contact. Those hour long talks are out, try not answering, and being busy, and unavailable.

I suppose I should have been clearer in my initial post. I am no longer dating her. As soon as I realized how close she was getting to her other ex, I ended the dating portion. That happened just over 2 weeks ago. I no longer take her places or spend money on her. Since then, we've seen each other a few times, but she is always very irritable when we are with each other. Despite all this, she continues to call me on a regular basis as if I was still her boyfriend. She'll tell me what she did or something funny that happened to her. Sometimes she tries to make plans with me for the future (concerts/sporting events). After seeing the movie 21 (presumably with her other ex), she even called me to say we need to plan a trip to Las Vegas with friends.

At this point I'm trying to understand why this girl continues to act like this despite the fact that she tells me that I irritate her so much. She for the most part doesn't even allow us to have fun when we go out anymore because she lets everything I ever do or say bother her. Maybe it is also relevant to tell you that back when we were together, she admitted to me that she fought as hard as she could NOT to like me, but ended up trying it out (and at least temporarily enjoying it).

What the heck is she thinking?

She's keeping you close to be there for her own reasons. If you stay confused, as you are now, not only does she keep you at her beck and call, because you think she will change her mind, but she KNOWS you can never move on, without her permission. Usually when something better comes along. Stop ALL the contact period, and don't be available. Disappear from the face of the earth.

You're her back up guy the guy who treats her like she needs to be treated. Her ex can't do nothing for her but boner real good. The excuse she made up about dating for 9 years str-8 might be true, but it's a bunch of crap. When you and her first got together she should have told you about that in the beginning. She tells you this now because her ex boyfriend wants her back or something happen between them while you guys were together.

A friend of mines made up an excuse to her boyfriend that she liked this other guy, and she only wanted to be both of their friends. She broke up with her boyfriend, and she was boning the new guy. She ran back to her ex when she needed something.