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sumkindoffool · Mar 6, 2010, 04:02 AM

Ok...
My girlfriend and I met last summer. We got together and saw each other virtually everyday for 4 months. After which we moved in together... (I know, bad... )

What makes things worse, is that I'm 33 and she is 24. What makes things even more worse is that I have a 2 year old kid, but he doesn't live with me, I have him every other weekend, and see him 2 days during the week.

Now, we have been together for 8 months, and lived together for 4 months... for the last 2 months things have changed a bit... she is not happy in her job and feels like she isint appreciated at work, and its in the wrong area. She feels like she is wasting her education. This is her first 'proper' job, moneys not good, and its very stressful for her.

We have argued a fair bit, but mostly because I'm not feeling that she cares as much as I do. But really I know she does care, but she doesn't show it very well.

So last week she moved out, back to her parents - and wants to slow things down - go on dates, not see each other 100% of the time - which we basically were before...

She wants to feel the way she felt before. WHich is totally understandable. But it hurts so much.

I know she wants to do this to help us, but it feels so weird. I don't know what to do.

Please... any advice is most welcome!

Thanks

amicon · Mar 6, 2010, 04:20 AM

Yes,you jumped in way too fast and now the honeymoon phase is over and you're faced with reality.

At least it seems she is willing to work on the relationship,so that's what you do.

Go back to dating and start communicating about your issues.
That's all you can do.

The age difference isn't going to change,nor is the fact that you are a dad with responsibilities for years to come.

If she is unhappy with her job,she could try changing it,but that has to be her decision.

Good luck.

sumkindoffool · Mar 6, 2010, 07:21 AM

Hi amicon,

Thanks for your reply.
Yes, this is quite apparent. She says she still loves me, and I love her. Im just finding it hard to adjust, since we have lived together, and we have had a lot of fun, it seems like such a huge step backwards. But I do understand. I don't want us to get lazy, take each other for granted.
But this last week she has seemed so distant... I can't help but feel that she might want to split up, but can't face that reality.

I guess I really should just give her her space, and let her work things out. But I so want to help her too.

She is looking for other jobs, and looking for her own apartment too. ANd she has even said that I should look for apartment in the same area of the city as her... so I do realise that I could be over thinking the whole thing..

I think I may be being quite selfish... I need to just relax and let whatever happens happen. Ive probably put so much pressure on her, on us - by imagining this relationship to be perfect, because it really was for a while. At least I hadn't felt anything like that...

We weren't thinking properly... we stopped seeing other friends as much. And I think now she wants to go back to that, which of course is a good thing. We just got so wrapped up in each other.

amicon · Mar 6, 2010, 07:59 AM

Relax and do things for yourself.
Don't worry about the worst case scenario.

Date and have fun.
Give each other space.

talaniman · Mar 6, 2010, 10:51 AM

Listen to yourself when you have the feelings of dread, and stop the worrying. Your only going back to the part you skipped by rushing things to fast, before you were ready, and that's the having fun getting to know each other.

You both got carried away, and have to back up, and regroup. At least she is open to it. So go along, and have fun, and see what happens.

Being with someone doesn't mean you give up your own life, and loves, you just have to make time for them too, and keep a healthy balance, and see what happens.

Jake2008 · Mar 7, 2010, 08:05 AM

It sounds like she bailed on you, and she bailed on your son, who no doubt came to love her as well. Why was there no trying on her part to communicate, and repair the relationship first, without jumping ship?

Many relationships are successful after a short 'courtship', and that is because couples build upon a foundation of communication, especially when a child is involved. It sounds to me like she tested the waters, and found them to be too wavy, and just left. There are right ways, and wrong ways to end relationships; after you've tried your best, and after you minimize the emotional effects on any children involved.

She isn't appreciated in her job, and moves back in with mom and dad. I wish I could have done that, but always had to put food on the table and support myself.

She realizes that her life with you was not working out, because her expectations of herself were too high. She is obviously too young and immature to be in a long term relationship, and more importantly, to be a step mother to your young son.

Please put the needs of yourself and your son first. Should you wish to start seeing her again, try to take a really good look at how she fits into your life, not how you can change yourself to fit into hers. Your son has to come first, you are a package deal.

sumkindoffool · Mar 7, 2010, 03:10 PM

HI all,

Thanks for your help and advice.
Its rather complicated... that I know. And there is no right and wrong answer.

BUt to be fair to her, she is calling and we are talking. She says she loves me and that she promises we will work this out. She wants this to work, it seems like she just wants to have some space too. Which is probably not a bad idea.

I would love to think that two people can meet and want to spend all their time together (like we did) and then have that feeling develop in a positive way rather than a negative. That is, we could have stayed living together but just made sure that we did our own things.

She has stayed over night here once in the last week, and it seems like next week will be the same... its just such a big change.

amicon · Mar 7, 2010, 03:30 PM

If you want this to work you need to find the tools to adapt to the changes.

Use your alone time to do things you enjoy doing.

People in any kind of committed relationship need to be doing there own thing as well as spending time together.

Get busy!

ked1 · Mar 7, 2010, 03:50 PM

You have good insticts, you are right , it was too fast. It is better get to go slower. It may hurt for now but it the wiser thing.