So about a month and a half ago my boyfriend broke up with me. We are both 26, and I was just about to graduate college. (finally!) The break up came to me as a complete surprise. I know it might sound like total crap... but we never fought! He got along great with my friends and I got along great with his. When he broke up with me he told me that he just feels like we're two different people. He went on to say that I'm about to finish school and get my career on track, and he doesn't even know what he wants to do yet. He said a few silly things like "sometimes I think you just want to be married now and start a family right away." I never pushed anything. We didn't even live together and never talked about it.
Before the break up we both went through some very stressful situations... none of which were related to each other. I was finishing school and had a lot of stress from that, and I had an internship at a domestic abuse shelter. I did different administrative/office management type duties during my internship, and I really didn't think that the atmosphere would effect me. A couple weeks before the break up there was a domestic murder in our area and that completely changed everything for me at work. Not only did we have more crisis phone calls, but there were more women coming in to talk with counselors. I did have to talk to these sobbing women many times and try to calm them down. Often they'd tell me in great detail what was going on with them. I heard awful things. It started to eat away at me. I kept it all inside, which I now know was wrong. I took the confidentiality of the job very seriously and didn't want to talk to anyone outside of work about it. One day I even tried to talk to my supervisor, but she was in her office crying when I approached her. I walked away. There would be times where I would just start to cry randomly, including the last night we spent together as a couple. He asked me what was wrong and I told him a couple things were wrong... school and work. He later told me after the break up that he was sure that I was crying because I was thinking about how this relationship would never work... a thought that never crossed my mind. His stress that was going on during this time was mainly money related. Even though I am just finishing school, I've never had any money issues. I am lucky to have had money left to me by a grandparent. He found out a few days before the break up that he wasn't approved for a home loan, and he has been working his tail off and he still lives paycheck to paycheck. Although he's not really in debt besides his car loan, he really has anxiety issues because of money. He hates hates HATES his job. He has a goal of becoming a fireman. I told him that I'd always support him no matter what he chooses to do. (If I would imagine he and I together a year from now, I'd picture him in school and we would go through the financial and emotional stress of that together.)
The first time we talked after the break up (maybe 3 days later), I found out that he gave his 30 day notice on his apartment- even though he has no idea where he'll go, he just knows he can't afford it- and he had a meeting set up with an army recruiter. This is one path that he could take to get trained in fire safety. I told him that I'd support him if he thought that was the best route to take in achieving his goal, but I suggested that he really look into going to a school around here for the same training. He has a lot of fear about school loans. Although I never had to take any loans out, I don't understand that he doesn't realize that pretty much all college students take loans. He now is studying to take a placement test at the college and has applied for loans to see how that goes. He's been really negative though... he thinks that he won't get any loans and that he'll do real poorly on the test. He's very intelligent and I tell him that all the time. He wasn't always this negative, either. If he was, I never would have been attracted to him in the first place.
We have talked a couple times about maybe getting back together. Every time he says that he just doesn't want to be with anyone right now. He told me that he doesn't think that he'll want to get back together at any point because he thinks he would have felt that way already. (he said that about 3 weeks ago)
I love him so much, but I am trying as hard as I can to just move on. I can't. I cry every day. He and I still talk about once or twice a week and each time is for about and hour and a half. (and no, I never cry on the phone) I am so proud of him for working towards his career goals. I was 24 when I went back to college to finish, and I know how hard it is to go when you aren't the typical 18-19 years old. Although I am happy that he's working on getting things where he wants them in his life, I am so sad that we aren't together. I just feel that everything would be so easy to fix.
I ran into one of his best friends about a month after the break up and she had no idea anything had happened. She said that if she'd call him lately he wouldn't answer and would never call her back. She didn't know about the military stuff or anything. I don't quite know how to take this. I don't call him much, but every time I have he's ALWAYS returned my calls. Although it's hard for me to hear him talk so negatively, I somehow think that him talking to me about everything helps him. You know how just telling someone what's going on makes you feel better? And how getting other's perspectives helps?
Well one night last week we were maybe going to hang out, but we both got too busy and it didn't happen. He called me that night and we talked for over an hour again. That was Monday night, and I left for a quick trip to Las Vegas Thursday. He told me to call him when I get back from my trip. Thursday when I arrived in LV and was able to turn my phone back on, I had a text from him telling me to have a great time and win big. He gets off work at 4:30 and texted me at 4:37. I'm trying so hard not to read too much into this... but I can't help it! He called me Monday... told me to call him when I get back from my trip... and then texted me the day I left wishing me fun and luck. Obviously he's thinking about me, right? I have been dumped before, and I've dumped before. As the dumper, I didn't call my ex or care about what they were up to because I frankly didn't care. And when I was dumped by others, they didn't call me... and if I called them they ignored my calls and didn't call back.
I just want so badly for him to get everything in his life straightened out. Inside that wish I have hope that we'll be back together in the end. This is the first man that I could see myself marrying. This is the first guy that I talked to about having children. Even though it may sound like it, I really don't want to be with him now. I realize he has a lot of things to straighten out, and I think he needs to work on his depression/anxiety issues. I am not going to sit around and wait for him, but I won't be searching for anyone right now. I am simply too hung up on my ex. What do you all think I should do? What's happening in this situation?

Your too hung out over your ex and is expecting too much from someone that is your ex.

Does your ex have issues--yes but they aren't your issues. He sounds conflicted and is battling issues from within. Maybe counseling will help him sort things out.

It is time for you to realize this relationship is over and move on. Sometimes people grow apart and relationships comes with no guarantees.

Your ex was jealous that you had your life in order while he didn't. You finish school is about start a career while he is living paycheck to paycheck. He doesn't know what path he wants to go down due to his own issues.

For now, he isn't mentally stable to be in a relationship and he express that to you.

Let go and accept that it is over. Stop calling and expecting him to call. Start a life with him by moving on.

I've read some of your other posts and they are all negative... Thanks for your thoughts, though.

You have the right to pine over your ex, as long as you would like.

If you really want sometime to heal and for your ex to heal and grow, then I think you need to concentrate on no contact for the time being. He has a lot of tremendous worries on his shoulders and contemplating joining the service is a huge commitment that shows how pressured he feels in his situation.

He was probably uncomfortable applying for student loans, on the chance that he would be rejected again, like the home loan. I think it's time for you to support him in straightening out his life, as he is probably even somewhat jealous of your scenerio whilst he is struggling and worrying. None of this means that he doesn't have feelings for you, which is why you need to be no contact for the time being.

You can not go from lovers to friends, your feelings are not going to stop for him until you give yourself time to heal. Spend sometime focusing on you, allow him time to be focusing on him, revisit the status of how you feel in 3-6 months. You don't have to stop loving him today, but you do need to stop communicating so that you can heal and get some clear vision.

I realize you want answers that you want to hear, but people here who have been through the same thing, want you healthy, and happy, so you can deal with your issues.

I think you need time to get over your shock, and hurt, so you can see the reality of your situation, and figure out what can be done about it.

Understandable, and I realize your not ready for anything, but letting the emotional dust settle.

Take the time to be good to yourself.

I am going through a samiliar problem me and my boyfriend were together for a year and there were something's that happened but we still talk and he says he still loves me so I'm in the same boat with you he told me don't give up on us or him and he is getting ready to deploy July 28th to afghanistan and no matter what I will be there for him but it is all so confusing

Blue,

From reading your post, I can see that you two still love each other and care for each other. I cannot tell you how things will turn out for you and him but I can tell you what I see and think is going on between you and him. I, of course, could be wrong so don't take my words 100%.

You both are 26 years old and you are finishing college and starting your career; he, on the other hand, is living paycheck to paycheck and still struggling. I honestly do not think that he is jealous of your success, I think he is more afraid of losing you because of your success.

Oftentimes, when one person in a relationship succeed and the other fail, the successful person tend to leave for someone "better." Maybe he is afraid of losing you and therefore he lost his self confidence.

Of course, him losing his self confidence is his own problem but have you ever asked him why he isn't seeing things in more positive ways?

Before you jump to conclusion about why he's so negative, dig the truth out of him; he could be waiting to just get that extra push.

People are always so quick to think that it isn't worth it to put our own life on hold for a little bit to help pull our love ones out of their holes. Even as adults, many of us get lost sometimes and all we really need is a little patience, tough love, and an extra push. I am not telling you to put your whole life on hold for someone that you probably won't even be with 5+ years from now but if you really love him, slow down a bit (day to day) and let him know that you're with him every step he takes to make a full recovery from his current situation.

It WILL take a little bit of work and patience on your part so before you tell him that you're willing to help him out, make sure that YOU, YOURSELF is ready--mentally, physically, and emotionally to help him out. The last thing you want to do is help him half way, realizes that you can no longer do so and leave him hanging. It will kill him more if you half way help him so before you plan on telling him that you are committed to helping him get to where you are at, make sure YOU are ready for it.

I hope that you find your way through this. Please continue posting and keep us posted. We are all here to help. =)

Just remember, sometimes, all one really need is an extra tough love push. ;)