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Wehrenslave · Dec 13, 2013, 01:57 AM

How do I tell my boyfriend of over 10 years that I want to experience other partners without him freaking out on me?

joypulv · Dec 13, 2013, 03:49 AM

It isn't possible to say something like this and sugar coat it. Of course the odds are high that he is going to freak out. He might leave you. Or he might shrug and say OK. He might say 'Me too!'
We don't know him or you, and there's no rule book for saying awful things to someone. You can dive in and take the consequences, or not.

If you think that bringing it up as a hypothetical smooths the path to talking about it for real - you are wrong.

talaniman · Dec 15, 2013, 11:00 AM

How do you know he will freak out on you?

Cat1864 · Dec 15, 2013, 11:52 AM

I think you need to stop and ask yourself why you want "something new" or to experience other partners. Why does the "something new" have to incorporate other people? What are your expectations for the present and future of your relationship?

As far as telling your boyfriend, how well do you discuss and communicate about other sensitive subjects?

Wehrenslave · Dec 17, 2013, 12:32 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

It isn't possible to say something like this and sugar coat it. Of course the odds are high that he is going to freak out. He might leave you. Or he might shrug and say OK. He might say 'Me too!'
We don't know him or you, and there's no rule book for saying awful things to someone. You can dive in and take the consequences, or not.

If you think that bringing it up as a hypothetical smooths the path to talking about it for real - you are wrong.

Well we've talkers very seriously about it and he is interested in bringing another female into the mix but not another male! I didn't give the full drawn out story. Thank you.

Originally Posted by talaniman

How do you know he will freak out on you?

He's very protective and the jealous type! He won't like to share.

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I think you need to stop and ask yourself why you want "something new" or to experience other partners. Why does the "something new" have to incorporate other people? What are your expectations for the present and future of your relationship?

As far as telling your boyfriend, how well do you discuss and communicate about other sensitive subjects?

He's an amazing lover and in our time together we've tried A lot of exciting sexual things together! I think it's just the rush of feeling something new! It would be an experience for both of us. I want to be with him for life! We also have two children. We are very committed. We have talked about another female but I think fair is fair and if we include another female why can't we include another male?

joypulv · Dec 17, 2013, 03:27 AM

Fair is fair, indeed.
Men have had a double standard about this for thousands of years. Sociobiologists say it's the biological imperative for males to want to keep the mother of their children at home while they go out and sow their seed, to insure survival of the species. We don't realize how close we are to basic instincts.

tickle · Dec 17, 2013, 04:31 AM

If he won't let him have another male, then he is issuing a double standard. Do as I say, not as I do. Just remember when you open up your relationship to other people, you are opening yourself up, and your family, to STDs. It is a dangerous practice that can also get out of hand.

Cat1864 · Dec 17, 2013, 04:52 AM

Originally Posted by Wehrenslave

He's an amazing lover and in our time together we've tried A lot of exciting sexual things together! I think it's just the rush of feeling something new! It would be an experience for both of us. I want to be with him for life! We also have two children. We are very committed. We have talked about another female but I think fair is fair and if we include another female why can't we include another male?

A threesome is very different than wanting to experience other lovers which implies your partner wouldn't be present or part of the fun.

If both of you are wanting to experience a threesome, then you sit down and discuss the details. He wants a female. You want a male. Perhaps think about finding another couple (looking into swinging.) Set boundaries of what is allowed and what isn't. Be realistic about your expectations and reactions. Once you have a compromise worked out between you, look for people who you can invite into your bedroom. Then discuss and set the rules with them. If you can't find a compromise, then look for something else to bring 'new' energy into your bedroom.

Frankly, it sounds like you have already talked about this with him and he has said what he is uncomfortable with. If that is the case, then you either accept it and play his way, don't accept it and let the idea go (at least for a while) or you keep trying to bring him around to your way of thinking which could end up driving a wedge between you.

talaniman · Dec 17, 2013, 06:05 AM

I have to agree with Cat, this is something of an impasse, fair or not, and since neither of you can get what you want then you have little choice but to not make this a wedge issue and cause for conflict.

Maybe there are other alternatives to explore over time, that you both can agree on but it's a great sign you both can talk about it openly. Does something new have to be something sexual?

Wehrenslave · Dec 20, 2013, 12:20 AM

Originally Posted by tickle

If he won't let him have another male, then he is issuing a double standard. Do as I say, not as I do. Just remember when you open up your relationship to other people, you are opening yourself up, and your family, to STDs. It is a dangerous practice that can also get out of hand.

oh I'm very cautious!! That is my main concern. But being able to tell him exactaly how I'm feeling is a feat in itself...