Hi I'm 24 years old and my ex girfriend is 22. We dated for 14 wonderful months, and it was just something so special that everyone could see the love and connection we had. This girl was adopted at the age of 12 by two christian parents who have helped her deal with her messed up childhood. She hasn't had a easy life, and the boyfriend before me, treated her like dirt it kills me to hear. I swore from day one of relationship to show what real love, care, and adoration looks like by putting her on a pedestal she deserves.

In the recent months she began to pull away, however, wanting to spend more time with a roommate and when stress in her life came, she would push me away and say she didn't have the energy for me. We were doing fine and out of blue, she broke up with me, saying she needed time to work on herself, pursue her faith, and to live without a boy in her life. It pains me terribly, I am a very hands on person and it hurts that she made a decision before talking to me. But she said she wanted to end loving me, not fighting, which is respectable.

Its been about 4 weeks with hardly any contact (my decision to give her the space she requested). But I am just torn up because she is so beautiful in my eyes and I have such a huge heart for her, to show her better.

What is my next step? I want us to be together so bad. We both had strong feelings one another was "the One".. I want to see us to conclusion, whether we're to be together forever or its clearly demonstrated to us we're not compatible. Please help!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Many of the people in this forum have gone through your painful experience and have since recovered from it.

First of all, you have to start accepting the idea that she had a change of heart. She doesn't feel the same way about you anymore.

I know you are grieving and hoping that when she's done with her time out, she will come back to you. But the reality is, she will probably never come back. Your best bet is to start accepting reality so that you can move on.

Otherwise, you prolong the pain and suffering...

Really I think she just needs time do some soul searching and some maturing. I know she had a special kind of love for me up until a couple weeks ago, she said it broke her heart to push me away.

"But like she said, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

She needs to love herself before she can be loved by another and return the love

That's fine, you could be right, but don't expect it to happen, or else you will be really hurt. Spend this time apart to get over her. If she comes back to you, then great, but if she doesn't, at least you will be stronger and better prepared to fully move on.

Thanks. I know we're both really trying to do this right, we care about each other a lot, but during this time, we are apart. She is working on herself, and I am building myself back up - to be a stronger man for myself first and when/if she comes around or ms right comes before me. Hopefully this time is helping her to realize how much I mean to her. I know we ll have a friendship at the very least, but we've had a unique chemistry since day until the break. I don't think that can be overlooked

*since day one until the split*

Please! I need opinions/advice!

I agree with I Wish. She has already exhibited signals that she no longer wants to be with you - she would no longer seek you when she is troubled. Ending the relationship with love and her saying it broke her heart to push you away are just ways of making the break up less painful for you. It does NOT indicate any covert meaning that she wants to be with you in the future. I would take this time to leave her in the past and stop dwelling on the possibility that she will want you back. It is likely not going to happen.

Your not going to like this, but keep giving her what she asked for, time and space for herself.

She changed her mind for whatever reason, and its up to her to let you know how she feels. In the meantime, yes you live your life, and have a great time.

I think we all have been through that time of intense feelings, that are hard to let go.

Great advice so far, but I'd like to point out one comment of yours that caught by attention, Pat.

You mentioned putting her on a pedestal like she deserves. This, to me, indicates that you have more respect for her than you do for yourself. It is fine to care about another person as much as you care about yourself, but when you think that you cannot be happy unless the other person is happy you have a problem.

Right now, I'm going to give you some advice, and you probably aren't going to take it but that's fine. Go NO CONTACT with her. Get whatever belongings of yours that she still has (I know you have left something at her place, or otherwise made sure you still had a reason to call her) and don't talk about anything other than what you need from her. That means, no discussion of relationships, no asking how she is doing, nothing other than "I want to get my things, when can I come pick them up?" When you do this, give her back anything of hers that you still have. It's OK to keep gifts, as long as you box them up and put them where you won't see them all the time. Then, delete her from your Facebook, myspace, friend's lists, etc. because otherwise you'll be checking it every ten minutes for a glimpse of what she's doing.

Once you have removed her from your life, you can start to move on with it. It is not intended to hurt her or make her want you back; you obviously no longer have a life of your own, and you deserve to find happiness for yourself. What did you do for fun 14 months ago? What have you changed to "preserve" this relationship? Go back to how things were with the knowledge that you are a good person.

I'm not going to give you advice on how to get her back, because that's not what you should be worried about right now. Focus on your OWN life, for your OWN sake, so that you can be happy on your own again. If she chooses to keep you in her life, that's her choice, and you do have the right to ask her for space as well. You need it right now, even if you don't think so yourself. If she cares about you, she'll come around on her own. If not, then that's a clear indication of who she really cares about.

~ Tee

Thanks for your insight.

She has very independent personality and a hard time leaning on people (bc they have hurt her/abandoned her in the past stemming from childhood i.e. pre-adoption). Hopefully in this time of maturation, she realizes to be really loved is to let someone loving, close to her.

During our relationship, she gave me a list of qualities she wants in a husband that she made was she was 12 and duplicated when she was 18. And I met (and excelled) on so all of them. She has every reason to trust me, but she's just not ready (bc of immaturity, fear, and past hurt)

It seems like the best bet is stay to calm, continue to let her be, make myself strong and desirable, and see what plays out in the next couple months. Time will tell whether I ll give it up forever or we ll come back close and stronger.

*sigh* You just don't get it, but that's OK.

I hate to see this, I really do, because I've been there myself.

The only way you're going to understand this, truly understand it, is to experience the pain yourself. You are going to hurt, and it's going to really suck. But, the good news is, you'll be a much stronger, much healthier individual because of it.

All I can say is, you got to stop worrying about her maturity level, her emotions, and anything else that involves her. You're just distracting yourself from your own problems. I'm not trying to be mean, but right now you really need to look at yourself instead of focusing so much of your thoughts on her.

You won't like what you see. Hopefully you'll do something about it.

~ Tee

Tee,

First of all thank you very very much for your time and words of wisdom. The break happened about 3.5 weeks ago, she wanted to keep talking and be there when I move into my own apartment, but I wisely told her decision to break away from me and SPACE to herself equals not talking and not a part of exciting moments of my life. So glad I decided that, I refuse to terrorize her like her last ex.. I picked up my stuff a couple days after that, didn't say all that much to her besides, "hope you realize we had something special and I would do anything for you"

In regards to putting her on a pedestal, she definitely deserves it. She had a childhood with alcoholic parents before putting herself up to be adopted at age 12. She missed out on that essential love. Since HS, she's had boyfriends to sort of fill her needs, which is wrong and she knows that. She is concentratiing this time to go back to being a woman of faith, very respectable.

But yes the relationship become very one sided due to both our personalties, I gave and she took. She is selfish and takes more than she gives; while I have always been selfless, concerned about others, less about myself. Its not that I don't respect myself or my needs, it's that it brings me happiness to make everyone else around me happy. Guess its tragic flaw.

We traded a couple emails last week, where she said she ll always care for me, and sincerely thanks me for respecting her space. I didn't lash out in emotion and we haven't spoken since.

To be honest, while she's away and going the NC route, she will be picking up new perspectives and healing from the break up. Her chances of actually coming back isn't good, I'm sorry to say.

When a person wants to move on, it is for a reason and they think for whatever reason is best for them. You should be thinking that way too, do not do NC to make yourself more desirable.

Go NC for yourself, for you to heal and pick yourself back up where you left off before you met her, but in a stronger form and better awareness of yourself. Do not hang on to the thought of you guys getting back together, that will only prolong your misery. Worry about it if she decides to come back.


Everyone is special man, even you. Don't hold on to something that will easily slip right out of your hands.

Thank you. To clarify, my understanding of the NC is a double edged strategy - first, to take care of myself, my emotions, and get myself on the road to recovery/strength. Second, to truly let experience life without me, and maybe she ll come around and realize she wants a part of her life.

The part about being desirable; women want a strong, reliable, and confident - and that is my goal to reach sooner rather than later. For her to see down the road and be attracted to OR for the next girl to see who will treat me right.

This is definetely a battle, but I'm focused on being positive and strong for myself now. It is not my responsibility to care about her anymore. Sounds like being a jerk, but it's the truth.

You keep talking about what she wants, what women want, that you'll do this because you want to seem more desirable (not just her but to anyone). That's NOT the point of it.

You break contact to figure out yourself, not to be better for the next girl, or for anyone else. You should be healing and getting on with your own life... and even hoping for something with this girl is only getting in the way of that.

You'll realize it on your own eventually. You'll get tired of the heartache, you'll choose to give our advice more thought... and maybe you'll start to truly heal.

Best of luck. It's a long, hard journey.

~ Tee

You want to be attractive, just be happy with who you are, and others will respect that.

I hear you. Im taking your guys advice, it was a clean split (I didn't beg/terrorize her), I broke off contact and I'm taking care of myself.

Reconnecting with friends and making plans for the rest of the summer. My life definitely isn't on hold for a girl. If she does come around, I won't be an idiot. I ll be smart and it all will be on my terms. I treated her incredibly well, the best any guy she s dated, that's a truth she knows and she won't easily let go of her feelings for me

I 100% am. I am a very relational person, I like building genuine relationships with people and being a part of their lives. I do being alone too, just not all the time because then I ll get real down. I will definitely miss having someone special to love and love me back in my life.

But I can't change the past, I can only make the best of each day and be happy.

I have a challenge for you, Pat. Next time you make a post here, or talk to one of your friends or family members, or are otherwise in a position to have a discussion with someone, don't bring up your ex. Talk about yourself, talk about your own feelings, but see if you can go without mentioning her in any way, shape, or form.

~ Tee