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    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #1

    Mar 10, 2006, 04:04 AM
    Upset...
    I know that Pete did not mean anything by this and he was trying to hurt me in any way but I was almost in tears last night and I just need to get this off my chest.

    His mate has who we spend a lot of time with went through a bad break up a couple of months ago. We have supported him as best we can and he is really starting to move on now which is fab. Petes mate really fancies my mate 'S' and we were talking about her last night.

    My birthday is coming up and I have made plans for a nightout. I said to Petes mate that if nothing happened with 'S' then some of my other single friends were going to be out. (I said this in a jokingly way) and then he enquired who would be joining us. I told him their names and then mentioned that one had a baby. Petes mate was not bothered by this at all, but Pete looked up and said "well thats her out then".

    I asked him what he meant and he said "well she has a baby, so she's a no goer".

    He knows I had an abortion a few years ago - so my next question to him was - "so if I had a baby, your saying you would not have touched me with a barge pole" and he responded with "No I would not have "

    At that point I could feel tears welling up in my eyes so I asked them if they wanted a cup of tea and disappeared to the kitchen. I had to pull myself together. I started thinking how awful that was. If I had gone through with my pregnancy I would not have Pete, I would not have the life I have today and it really hit a nerve and I was not expecting to feel that way.

    I put my washing on in a bid to give me more time to pull myself together. I did just that but found tears were rolling down my eyes on and off whilst I had my head in his lap. He was playing with my hair and hugging me tightly whilst watching a film and nothing more got said. I was really tired last night which probably did not help, and I feel OK this morning but it is still playing on my mind a bit.

    All your thoughts would be much appreciated.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #2

    Mar 10, 2006, 04:15 AM
    Im sorry to here what you went through a few years ago. Im sure that's hard for any woman to pass through. I can't talk from experience as this never happened to me. All I know is that if my loved one said that to me I would have been hurt just the way you are.
    I don't really know what advice to give you. But I suppose you can either forget it or else if you really want to know if he meant what he said you could ask him again.
    I think any guy would find it hard as first to be and love a woman who has a child from another man. But its still a harsh thing to say to you.
    Xxxx
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #3

    Mar 10, 2006, 04:27 AM
    Yeah, I think that's what's bothering me, the fact that it was a really harsh thing to say. I know he did not mean anything by it and that it was not intentially directed at me, but it did hurt!
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #4

    Mar 10, 2006, 04:31 AM
    Like to said to me - men don't think before they speak - they speak before they think. Xx
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #5

    Mar 10, 2006, 04:40 AM
    Lol - I am good at giving advice, not so good at taking my own. Lol
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #6

    Mar 10, 2006, 04:52 AM
    Im the same too i.e asking for you help.

    It seems to me though that you have a very strong relationship with Pete. So don't let this ruin things between you. I know it must hurt you, but you're talking about the past not present and furture you have together.
    Xx
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #7

    Mar 10, 2006, 05:05 AM
    That's why I did not make an issue about it and say anything to him, because in the scheme of things it is in the past and it isn't his fault. His words hurt me, not him.

    His words hit a nerve that triggered flash backs and bad memories and awful thoughts of what life would have been like without Pete - that is not his fault and I am in no way blaming him. I have to admit I was not expecting to feel that way!
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #8

    Mar 10, 2006, 05:13 AM
    I guess its exactly how I feel with my problem as it wasn't really him who hurt me but the thing he said, you know.
    That's only natural, of course it hit a trigger its not an easy time that you went through. Maybe what you should do is tell him that his words upset you and he doesn't have a clue what you went through when you had an abortion. NO man does. And then he will probably feel guilty and apologise :)
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #9

    Mar 10, 2006, 05:25 AM
    Well I could do that, but if I am honest he doesn't really have anything to apologise for. And looking at things from his angle - he is only 21 getting involved with someone who has a child is a big step. His mate is 24 (almost 25) so I guess he is at a point in his life where he would be ready to take on the responsibility whereas Pete isn't.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #10

    Mar 10, 2006, 05:33 AM
    That is very true. 21 is young ESPECIALLY for a man seeing as us woman are more mature :)
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #11

    Mar 10, 2006, 05:41 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Krs
    that is very true. 21 is young ESPECIALLY for a man seeing as us woman are more mature :)
    Exactly! So I guess I have just answered my own questions - but could not have done so without your help - I can not express my appreciation enough.

    If you ever come to visit your friend in the UK, you must let me know!! Out of intereted what part of the Uk were you living in when you were here?
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #12

    Mar 10, 2006, 05:53 AM
    Thank you sweety and you, you have helped me immensily. I liked in brighton (well the outskirts of brighton) I lived there from Nov 99 - Jan 04. I loved it. Im maltese by the way :)
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,929, Reputation: 674
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    #13

    Mar 10, 2006, 06:12 AM
    Hi,
    I think you are over-reacting to what Pete said. Why don't you ask him again what he meant? And if he meant it?
    We all say things, off the "top of our head", and sometimes don't even think about it.
    Also, there are men who will not date a girl with a baby. Why? They are not yet ready to be an "instant" family man. Some men feel that way, others don't.
    That's what "learning" is all about. You learn more about a relationship with time.
    confuzed's Avatar
    confuzed Posts: 34, Reputation: 6
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    #14

    Mar 10, 2006, 06:22 AM
    Men often say stupid things without thinking. I went through the same and I know that it is very painful to think of. Even when you know you have made the right choice there is always that what if. I would definitely not make a big issue with him. He may have not even realized the implication to you. I know that I have had times where something someone says brings about some painful memories of those times and it definitely hurts, but try to be strong and realize that Pete really seems to love you and you love him so I am sure he didn't mean to upset you.
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #15

    Mar 10, 2006, 06:44 AM
    If you read all of my posts in this thread Fredg then you may understand a little better. I am not over-reacting - and I know pete is not at fault and he did not direct what he said at me. He probably forgot if anything. That's why I have not said anything to him or made it an issue, but I had to get it off my chest. Cannot bottle things up, it does not do me any favours.

    Confuzed you seem to understand!
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #16

    Mar 10, 2006, 06:47 AM
    In fact I was going to say too to Fredg, that how dare he say you are over reacting, because you are definitley NOT.
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #17

    Mar 10, 2006, 06:59 AM
    What I went through was horrific and something that is really hard to just forget about. I cope well, but at times things do hit a nerve. This is one of those times.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,929, Reputation: 674
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    #18

    Mar 10, 2006, 07:12 AM
    Hi, DJ,
    I am sorry for the word "over-reacting". I had misunderstood your statements.
    If you are just "getting this off my chest", then I hope it helped to post your comments.
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #19

    Mar 10, 2006, 08:12 AM
    No worries Fredg - misunderstandings happen all the time. ;) - I do feel a lot better for getting it out of my system and I do appreciate your help as I do everyone else. You have all been fantastic as always xx
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #20

    Mar 10, 2006, 11:45 AM
    I'd tell him how it hurt you. It seems like an issue to you. You should talk it out with him. These are the things you need to discuss in a relationship. You need to feel beter about this. And maybe old Pete needs togrow up a little bit. I've dated several women who have kids... it's not a issue.

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