So I wrote a blog months ago about my alcoholic boyfriends at the time. After that post we had lived together for about five months and it was awful. He was always going off into drunken rages. He has physically and emotionally abused me. He's stolen money from me to buy drugs and alcohol. When he cheated on me it was the last straw and I moved out. We continued contact and occasionally saw each other for sexual purposed only. The after four or five months we started dating again. He stopped going to his AA classes and missed meetings with his parole officer. There was a warrant out for his arrest & so the day before he was going to turn himself in he got picked up on possession of cocaine. He's been in jail for a little over a month now. I visit him faithfully every Saturday and write him letters and talk to him on the phone. As the weeks go on and on I find my feelings for him trailing off. I love him but I am not sure I can handle this situation or that I want to. He promises to change but they seem like empty promises when I think about the past. He tells me to stay strong and think about all the good times we shared but he doesn't understand that the few good memories we shared have been buried under a hill of pain, & deception. He's awaiting the grand jury to see if there is enough evidence to convict before he is sentenced and then he goes before the parole board since he's obviously violated it. I feel guilty about leaving him when he needs me the most but my head is telling me that I have dealt with enough. I feel as though I am trying to convince myself that I am still IN LOVE with him when I know I am outgrowing him.

I suppose its selfish but I don't want to leave him and then find out he's out of jail doing great. To find out after the fact that he's changed his ways and staying sober. Part of the reason I can't seem to leave is because of this vision, this dream, this future I had of us. He's the only man I wanted to marry, have children with, share my life with. We understand each other and he loves me in spite of my flaws. But if he loved me enough he wouldn't have treated me so horrid & then I tell myself, well he was drunk...

My heart is torn in two different directions. Have I spent too much time and effort on this relatoinship? Any advice?

Yes alcoholics can lie very good about how great it is gong to be.

Get good health insurance to protect against the physcial abuse and write down a list of lies to tellyour friends on how happy you are.

Nice, I appreciate the humor. It's refreshing & makes me feel foolish all at the same time. I suppose I need to see through his manipulation because that's the only way he has this power to guilt me.

Yes you have spent too much time. There is no good future with an alcoholic, drug addicted abuser. This is what he is and this is the life you will have if you stay. Get over the fantasies you have about him and wake up to reality. Leave the guy.

That was a little harsh Father Chuck... but true! Look, if this IS the only man you WANT to see yourself with... you must ask is it worth your while to go through all of the injustice? I mean really, do you want to already be on the bad side of the law.. just by connection? If he already had a felony charge.. he won't be out anytime soon. I say... it would be more healthy for YOU to get out of it now. If you don't want to break the news yet, just tell him you can't afford all the calls right now. You can still be a channel of support for him with letters and a phone call every now and then. After the final sentence, I would break the news... he can't hurt you when he's locked up!

Good luck in your decision.

I dated a man, a felon, who has been to the same federal prison three times. He sells drugs, does drugs, drinks alcohol, you name it. He told me the same thing every time he was in prison. It was three hours away from where I lived and I would drive up and visit him every single Saturday. I would write letters and take his collect phone calls. He is now out again for the third time and has not changed a bit. I would say he is worse. What makes it even harder for me is that we have two kids together.

I felt the same way you do. I still do. And because I thought/think the same way you do-I'm in such a horrid mess now and have no way out. Please, if you can, get away from him now. I don't know your man personally, but I honestly feel safe enough to tell you-he's lying to you. I had the same same thoughts you did, "what if he gets out and he is all great and blah blah blah blah.....if I leave him then someone else will get his greatness and it could have been me if I would have just stayed...blah blah blah..."

He is lying to you.

Trust me it is not worth it. I understand your love for him but it isn't worth putting yourself in his lifestyle which is exactly what you will do if you stay with him. The lifestyle keeps you down and broke and always wondering what next. There is no settling down to a stable home. They want you there for them but they aren't there for you because they are more concerned about where they are going to get their next high or to in a fog to care.
Addicts always say they will change but very few ever do. They will swear they only had three beers, smoked a joint with a friend and had ONE hit of crack. They can't change because, beside the addiction itself, they are so in denial they will not be honest with themselves to see they NEED help. Often they go to rehab simply to get it out of their system so they get healthy enough to go do more because their body gets to the point it will kill them if they don't. So it is a vicious cycle and too much to handle watching them live the lifestyle they expect you to accept since you love them.