Story merged

Hello all. I'm new and I found this website, and I must say that I am impressed. I have read all of the sticky'd posts and I like what every one has to say. They have really helped me to understand my past few weeks and have helped me get through my difficult time.

I want to thank you in advance for taking to the time to read this, as I'm sure it's going to get pretty long.

I am just coming out of a 5 year relationship with my now ex-girlfriend. We met back in college, and for the past 5 years, things were fantastic. For the whole duration of the relationship we were inseparable, up until about a year ago when I moved about an hour away due to my job. We had talked about living together before, but we mutually decided that it's best for us to stand on our own to feet as individuals before we made the next step and lived together. My move didn't seem to affect our relationship. We still saw each other pretty often and we were both satisfied with our setup. She made (or showed) no complaints from our situation of being that far away from each other.

She says she still loves me, and she still wants to be with me, yet she wants to be single and take a break. I completely understand how she feels, and I told her that I loved her and I am going to give her the space she wants. We're both still young, and I get what she is saying. She asked if we could still be friends and still talk, which I told her that it wouldn't be fair to me, so I would have to cut off all contact (to which I later found out was the right thing to do after reading the sticky'd posts on here!).

Our break up, on the exterior, was mutual. What else was I supposed to say when she told me she didn't want to see me anymore? I took a few days to process everything, and on our final phone conversation, we actually spent the last hour or so laughing and having a good time, reminiscing and cracking jokes. It was one of those moments when even though I sounded fine, deep down I was hurt, but I didn't want to show it.

Of course I still love her, and I would love to be with her this moment, but I have a few questions.

First, are all relationships this unfair?

What I mean by this, is that for the past few years it seems I have given her everything she needed. She is one of those girls who is too proud to ask for help, so when she does, it is only as a last resort for her. I have been there for her through all of her hard times, and I was there to emotionally, physically, and financially back her when she needed me. This may sound a bit skewed, but I'm going to say that, without me, she maybe would not have finished college. I'm not some rich guy or anything, but throughout college I had a decent paying job which provided for both of us. She had no car (so I always lent mine to her), sometimes her financial aid wouldn't be enough for living expenses (so I chipped in some money here and there), and always covered our food expenses (groceries and whatnot, unless she had money and insisted on paying)

Now, though, the tides have turned and I am the one who wants the help. I recently got laid off from my job, and have had a few family events to which I really would have liked her to be there with me for support. A part of me feels as if (and I know I'm wrong here) she should in some way repay what I have given her (with the emotional/physical/financial support), yet I know all of you here will just say that what I have given her is irrelevant. It's just that I feel cheated, as I have invested so much time into her to help and now I have nothing in return.

Before you all go and say "you don't deserve a girl like that" and "you're better than her", I just want to make one thing clear. She is one of the most generous and caring people I have ever met. I know that, if things were going well, she would gladly reciprocate the love and support I have shown her.

My second question, is it wrong to want to write her a letter?

Remember that she has been my best friend for the past 5 years, and I figure that if I write her a letter, we both win. To explain: the context of the letter is not to beg her to take me back, nor is it threatening or descending in any way. I just want to write her a letter telling her about things as if we were having a normal phone conversation. I want to tell her the funny stories that I've experienced, the things I've done, how my grandma is now out of the hospital, etc.

I win because I get the comfort and peace of mind that I am still communicating with her (in some way), and she wins because she still gets to hear from me (which is what she initially wanted). I do not expect any reply from her... this would be completely one way.

One thing to note, is that I (sadly) don't have many friends. At least not many to confide in or talk to, so writing this letter also allows me to release a lot of stress, just being able to talk to someone. (Remember the movie I Love You, Man?) Yea, that's me.

Any issues to doing such a thing?

I appreciate the time and advice you guys have taken to help me out. Thanks a whole bunch!

I'm sorry about the pain you've been experiencing lately.

And as an answer to your first question... yes, the majority of relationships end on terms completely unfair to at least one of the inviduals involved. I've been through it, & a ton of other people on here have been through it. Even the ones that were dating someone generous & caring. Even decent people can be unfair to others. Sad, but true.

You have every right to feel cheated. It's always hard when you give so much of yourself, but when you need the help, the one person you need/want the most is no where to be found. If she really loved you, & truly cared about your well-being, she would be there for you. In my experience, people that truly love their partner will not want to take a break unless they feel like they

1.) Find that they love their partner as a friend/sibling

Or

2.) Think that maybe that can find someone better.

That she says she "still wants to be with you" & "still loves you" makes me think that she wants to keep you hanging in confusion & limbo until she finds someone else. And if she doesn't, she'll take advantage of your neverending kindness & "settle" for you. But that's just my opinion.

To answer your 2nd question, I would not recommend writing a letter to her. It keeps the wound fresh, & gives you a feeling that you two are still romantically connected, whether you think so or not. I wouldn't contact her whatsoever.

Also, I know how it can be having that one perrson as your BEST FRIEND & not having many others. But this is the time to get out there and make friends. Join a group that has similar interests & meet some people that way.

Just keep NC. It's going to take some time, but I think that you really do deserve a girl that will be with you, not just when SHE'S having hard times, but when you are, too.

Good luck.

I am so glad this site has been helpful to you. You cannot imagine how often people post similar stories. It must be something in the water...
But you already said goodbye in the LAST phone conversation, remember? --
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What will you do if she replies? I expect she will. Are you hoping she will? Or, you KNOW she will. Hmmmm.
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So get out there and become a volunteer at a hospital or library or animal shelter. Join a cooking club! Take out a gym membership! Learn to crochet! What are you waiting for??
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Write the letter, keep it around for a week or two, read it once a day, and finally light a match to it and safely burn it in your own personal goodbye ceremony. It will be a concrete end of the story.

The ones that end in a break up seems to be. Which is most of them.
That's normal after the death of a long term relationship. Sorry it worked out that way. She owes you nothing, besides you were more than happy to do it at the time, and be honest she gave you years of joy.
That's a lousy idea for now, because it distracts you from a proper healing which I won't lie, will take an awful long time and a lot of work.
I think you are better served leaving her alone completely, and focus on building a life that you enjoy, and being happy with who you are.

If you have read the stickies, we all want to keep the ex as a friend, and stay in contact, but that's not your solution to keep her in your life any way you can, so she never forgets you. The goal is to heal. Keep a journal for yourself, or write the letter and burn it, but don't deliver it.

You never know what the future holds and maybe you get that second look later, so start now and be healthy enough to make a good impression, and if not with her, then someone else.

Good luck, I think you sound really lovely and I'm sure that if you go out and join a few clubs you'll meet some nice friends soon to take your mind off things and chat to. I know how painful the end of a relationship is but we do have to try our hardest to move on and experience new things. Best wishes!

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago after a semi-long distance relationship (45 minutes away) spanning a few years. We had planned next weekend to go to her niece's birthday party, which is over 3 hours away in her hometown. I had bought a few gifts for her niece, and now I don't know what to do with them.

It's definitely past the return policy on the gifts... so returning is not really an option.

Through our relationship, I became close with her family and am (or was) almost like an included member in their family.

I was thinking about sending them to her niece directly by Fedex/UPS. Is this off limits? Anything wrong with doing this? Her niece is turning 8 and I have been like a surrogate uncle to her ever since she can remember.

Thanks for the advice!

I'd give them to the salvation army, or something like that.

You decided to give all of yourself to your last relationship. It worked for you to do this. Next time, maybe it will be more even. As for the niece's present - it's just more giving instead of sharing. If she really thinks of you as an uncle get a card to her to give her, but no gifts, and a gentlemanly goodbye. I think it was TIME you all took some time off - you both need to spread your wings. It HURTS, but you'll fly better in the long run if you do it now.

If you can't find anyone else you would like to give the present to I would say to send it to her.

But I would either send it with no card and no return address or send it in a box with the mothers name on it and a letter inside to say that you want her to have the present but not to know it is from you as you don't want to hurt her.

Send the gifts UPS to the little girl.

She will be thrilled to get them.

If you are enclosing a card, maybe a few words appropriate to an 8 year olds understanding to say that you sent the gifts that you had bought for her some time ago, and you hope that she has a happy birthday, and enjoys her gifts.

I see nothing wrong whatsoever in doing this. She is not involved in the breakup, and at her age, by the time Christmas rolls around, your ex will probably have a new boyfriend, and he will be buying gifts for her.

So this is not like you are setting a precident for the next 25 years.

It depends on your intention of sending the gift.

If the gifts are purely for her niece's birthday, without the intention of hoping to win your ex back, then that's OK. But when he niece asks why you're not at the party, it's difficult for your ex to explain. Therefore, you'll probably have to enclose a card saying that you're sorry for not being able to show up.