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    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 7, 2021, 07:29 PM
    Unable to identify healthy behaviors in stressful situations
    After the breakup with my ex 6 months ago, I finally decided to meet people. I met this person recently (online), and we both connected pretty well. Neither of us were looking for a relationship as such (I wasn't prepared to jump into one right away, and he had other priorities and he told me that he didn't want anything to come in his way, that weighs him down from focusing on his priorities), but we wanted to spend time together, especially because we loved talking about topics that both of us had interest in. We had a very similar past, and hence could understand each other pretty well. Our intellectual connect was exciting for the both of us. I tend to run away when I feel smothered. With this person, I didn't feel that way.

    We had a great first date, and on our second date (due to a specific circumstance), we ended up in a hotel because we drove a little far from our home city. He wanted to talk all night, but I was too sleepy and fell asleep. He didn't sleep the whole night and was outside talking to some random people. The next day morning when I woke up, I found a bit uncomfortable about being in that situation. I wanted to head back home. He said he wasn't in a position to drive back, but he would book a cab for me and he would stay the night back at the hotel. I was fine with the option. We got some food and then we started talking again. The more I talked to him, the more I felt comfortable and connected, and I wanted to stay back. Also, the room had two beds, and he didn't make any move on me, I felt very safe. That night, I sat with him in his bed, and eventually we ended up cuddling. It felt so comfortable after an entire day of talking to each other. He could have had sex with me, but he was pulling himself away. I could sense some sort of a resistance from him. We ended up kissing, but he would pull himself away, and again would kiss, but then pull away. It was confusing. The next day morning we woke up, and I felt really good, because he was being really affectionate the whole night, with his cuddles.

    On our way back home I asked him why he didn't kiss and he gave some reasoning which didn't make any sense to me. We had an argument on our way back which was quite silly but he got so mad at me (for no real reason). And then he dropped me home and didn't talk to me after that. I felt weird, sad and confused. I reached out to him asking if we weren't going to meet or talk because of something stupid, to which he replied saying his mental sanity was important. I messaged him again saying how much I loved the time I spent with him and would want to spend more time together, and he didn't respond to my messages. I thought I would let this go, but I couldn't. I couldn't forget that weekend.


    I reached out to him after 3 weeks on my birthday saying it was my birthday and that I was feeling sad that we aren't even on talking terms. He replied immediately wishing me birthday and also saying he is dealing with some mental issues and that he was looking forward to reconnect with me soon. Over the days, my anxiety increased. I would send a meme or a hi hello message once in between, he would respond but would never initiate a conversation.

    Last week I sent him a message asking about some random stuff and we had a night long chat. Out of the blue he asked me if I wanted to go with him on a vacation to which I said yes. He said he has been wanting to say something to me, that he has always been scared of attachment, and that he hides from intimate conversations in situations that scares him. He said that he was scared of catching feelings for me and that the two days we spent together was a lot of attachment for him. He said he had wanted to say this to me since a long time but his anxiety prevented him from initiating a conversation with me. I said I felt the same level of attachment, and that after a month and half I was still thinking about him, and asked him if we could just enjoy our time without thinking what happened next. We had a heart to heart conversation and we decided to meet in two days for our little vacation. Everything was fine till the day we were to travel, and I was waiting to hear from him on the confirmed plan which I never heard from him (even though nothing was booked which he was going to, or maybe he thought even last minute booking probably was okay). The day we were supposed to travel, he disappeared. I tried to reach out through call/text but to no avail.

    The next day also I didn't get any response to my messages. I was genuinely concerned about his safety too. I sent him a note saying, I hoped everything was okay, and also it was fine to cancel if something came up, but not communicating that to me was not fair. I again called him in the night and he disconnected my call. That's when I got extremely anxious. I sent a big paragraph (not nagging though), asking if it was his anxiety and attachment issues again, and if he didn't want to meet me, or if something else came up that he wanted to reschedule. I also said that I was feeling extremely stressed and that the silence was not helping and requested him to at least say something. In a while he replied to me saying - his friend was shot and everything was not okay with his friend. I didn't know what to say. I kept apologizing, and said I hoped things would get better, and that I had no clue. He replied saying he would talk to me later. I felt stressed, and I didn't reply to that.

    Now all sorts of thoughts are going inside my head. Did I let him take me for granted? He could have still informed me that we weren't going. Am I being too nice here? Or is it that this guy is someone who seems to just shut down when things overwhelm him. That being said, he might not even reach out to me again because of his anxiety. And I want to give him his space if that's what he needs. But I am in limbo. I have these weird thoughts - what if he is anxious and lost feelings for me, and again don't want to get attached. Because it has been three days now and he didn't even send me a message explaining the whole situation, but I saw that he was active on social media (liking posts, sharing stories etc. - maybe that's his way of dealing with anxiety). Or maybe he prefers talking to me in person instead of explaining this over text? For someone who has anxiety issues, maybe all this is normal? when we talked last week, he did mention that he hasn't been doing that great in terms of his mental health. Should I reach out to him in a few days? Or should I wait? I don't want to be a pushover, nor do I want to be needy or sound desperate. I didn't even ask if his friend was doing okay. I can't seem to figure this whole thing out. What should I do ?
    teacherjenn4's Avatar
    teacherjenn4 Posts: 4,005, Reputation: 468
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    #2

    Jun 8, 2021, 07:06 AM
    This doesn’t sound like a good relationship at all. What would happen if you didn’t communicate with him at all? From his standpoint, you’re waiting by your phone hoping to hear from him. Meanwhile, he’s doing whatever he wants. Don’t waste any more of your time on him. Move on with your life. Stop chasing him.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    Jun 8, 2021, 05:17 PM
    Pretty easy from what you have written to suggest you both leave each other alone and deal with your own issues. I also believe you are definitely moving way too fast in investing so much time and emotions into this "emotional hook up".

    Neither of you knows the other well enough, or is healthy enough at this time to be dating at this level. You aren't even caring friends yet, so drop the couple fašade and stop being so eager and ready for that travel vacation stuff.

    The bottom line is stop chasing a stranger that has told you he has certain issues. Recognize for whatever reason he is unreliable, and self absorbed. Case in point, why not be honest and call to cancel with you when his friend was shot? Is such a thing too much to ask? Take that as a warning where you stand in his life and leave dude alone.

    Neither of us were looking for a relationship as such (I wasn't prepared to jump into one right away, and he had other priorities and he told me that he didn't want anything to come in his way, that weighs him down from focusing on his priorities), but we wanted to spend time together, especially because we loved talking about topics that both of us had interest in.
    That would be fine if you had kept it at that CASUAL level as chat buddies I think, but it's a case of too much...too fast...crash and burn and maybe 6 months just wasn't enough time from your last relationship because you sure jumped in deep with this guy. Too deep to be healthy or wise after "nice chats" of mutual interests with a guy you met online. What's your hurry?

    Regardless you have enough information to slow things down and stop overthinking this thing.
    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    Jun 8, 2021, 07:29 PM
    Thanks for your reply Talaniman. I believe you when you said this is moving too fast. Yes. Probably time for me to work on my issues. That being said, is there a potential for us to be together, if there is a chance of us taking things slow in the future? Would that be a healthy choice in your opinion? Or am I ignoring any red flags ?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #5

    Jun 8, 2021, 08:28 PM
    Well he very clearly told you he had other priorities besides you, and his actions certainly bear that out, so I can only ask why you don't believe him and get on with building a life that you enjoy without him because of unrealistic high hopes on your part.

    Yes I think you are ignoring OBVIOUS red flags here at this time...because you seem to have unrealistic high hopes and expectations based on comfortable conversations?

    No need to chase this fellow, or any other. You gave it a shot and it didn't work so just move along to bigger and better options and opportunities. No biggie.
    Samantha0808's Avatar
    Samantha0808 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jun 9, 2021, 05:21 AM
    Thank you Talaniman
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
    Family & People Expert
     
    #7

    Jul 25, 2021, 12:16 PM
    Just wanted to add to what talamiman said about moving too fast. Sometimes, after ending a relationship, we just want to jump back into something familiar because the previous relationship may have been comfortable at some point in time. But remember, every relationship starts somewhere, and it takes time to build that connection.

    So even if it does not work out with this person, this was a valuable lesson to learn for the next person that you feel a connection with. Remember to take time to get to know each other at a pace that you are comfortable with!

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