I have been getting into many little arguments with my partner of the course of couple months. We talk/fight them out and then make up. I think in the long run it is hurting us. What are some good ways to communicate my issues without getting into a fight?

Both of us are somewhat stubborn and sometimes it feels like we are trying to see who will win the battle. Both of us get emotional and tend to have strong feelings towards the subject at hand. Both of us tend to cut into each others conversations. We argue each other points and even sometimes each others opinion.

We do on the other hand listen to each other and see each others view point. We try remain calm and understand each others feelings.

I do not want to fight about every little thing but I feel like sometimes we both get heated over the tiniest things. How can I learn to let things go? Also, how can I communicate to her an issue that I have without her getting mad at me?

I want to minimize the amount of arguments we have because I feel like it will better relationship.

Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advanced.

I don't think it's the amount of arguments but how the partners handle them.

Being a good listener is great, but knowing when to back away is better. If you must always make your point or have the last word, then you just make the conflict worse.

Picking your spots, and choosing when to make a point is stressful and more competition than communications.

Knowing when to back off, is what I advise as it takes two to argue. Over time you will both establish the boundaries of honest expression and being a good listener.

I find it very helpful not to press my point when she is emotional, excited, or intensely engaged on her own point. I wait for a better time.

So, you are saying that when she has something to argue with me that I should have a more passive role and be an active listener while she expresses her concern?

Also, what if I do not feel the same she does about her concern? How do I go about this?

One thing I have found is that when someone starts getting loud with me I just tell them I'm not yelling at you so if you want to resolve this don't start yelling at me. If they do, walk away and tell them they can talk to you when they are ready. That puts their behavior on them and lets you control the situation.

Here is something else that I have noticed. While we are talking things out she tends to assume many things. She tends to say: "Well, I thought...... "

One of the biggest things though that gets me fired up is when she uses something from the past and brings it up again to use it in her argument.

I just want to minimize these arguments because I feel as if we have way too many.

Absolutely. Knowing what's on your partners mind is paramount to communications.
Its not that you agree or disagree, it's the way you express your thoughts and when. I think you first have to acknowledge her side, I do this with questions, to let her know I not only hear but understand what she is saying. Then I can present my side and answer her questions. Sometimes you have to back off and give them time to consider what's said by you, and you have to be willing to back off, and consider what they have presented to you, before you reply. I try to keep it calm, and casual, as getting excited and loud, leads to neither side getting any information or facts. Never dismiss her side whether you agree or not.

I'm like chuff, yelling and screaming, shuts me down completely.

Thank you, I will try to back off next time she has a concern and I will acknowledge her feelings.

So how do you pick your battles?

How do you let the little things go? I seem to have trouble with that.

Pay attention, she is only letting you know she needs clarification of the facts.
Don't get fired up, let her vent, without comment. Many times your resolution to a problem doesn't cut it for her, and because its not a big deal to you, it is to her. It takes time to let something go, especially if its important to her.
Because she wants to argue do you have to? Think before you respond, as you'll find that sometimes, no response is needed. I think your trying to fix too much, relax and stay calm so you can hear what she is saying and what she is feeling. All to often we take things to personally and feel we are being attacked, and react poorly. Think first. Sometimes instead of arguing let her have her way and do her thing, and help her. Whether you agree or not. That stops a lot of arguments.

All good points once again. Thank you

Here is a actual problem that occurred today. I just want to see how I should go about this.

Yesterday her and I talked about something that was bothering me. I did not explain the situation correctly and she missunderstood what I was trying to say. We decided to go to sleep and talk about it the next day. I decided to send her an email explaining everything. I explained to her how I really felt about the situation. Next I called her during my lunch break and asked her to read the note because it was important to me. She said she will read it and respond to me. Roughly 2 hours pass and I find out that she went to the beach and did not respond or read my note. She did not forget to read it but chose to go to the beach. I made sure to tell her that this was important for me and that I would like to have a response.


So, here I am now at work, really annoyed that she did not read the note. I do not know how to approach her with this and I do not want to start an argument.

How woud I go about this? Am I wrong to feel annoyed?

Without you giving away the situation it's hard to know how "severe" this is. The thing that comes across to me is, whatever the issue is it just keeps getting dragged along and along. To me it should have been solved when it came up (if possible, again hard to say without knowing what it was) because the problem now isn't even the original problem. Now the problem is the reaction to problem this morning and then the reaction to the reaction. Ironically the reaction was their was no reaction. Follow that? The point is you two are now either arguing or setting up an argument over something that is unrelated to first problem.

Having said all that I both agree and disagree with your wife. Whatever you are dragging out is your problem and she's moved on from the problem and I can understand why she didn't answer. It just keeps getting dragged out further and further.

I disagree with her in the aspect, she is clearly testing you. She sent you to bed upset, you were still upset about it so you emailed her, and she tells you she'll respond and yet goes to the beach. Both lying and insulting at the same time. She's doing this to see what your reaction is while continuing the drama of the situation for her emotional needs... which might mean you are shorting her there so she plays these games.

To answer your question about what to do. Well, you should feel annoyed. But you shouldn't let her know. When you get home I wouldn't even bring it up until she does. She's expecting you to come home, PO'ed and confrontational. She's probably already got it planned in her head what to say to you. So don't feed into that. Come home, smiling and in control. When she brings up the issue then address it calmly and in a manner that is matter of fact and then get to a resolution and move forward.

You don't approach, just me, I would go about my business until she addressed this issue with me.

No, I would not even be annoyed or dwell on it. She will get around to it in her own time, not mine.

That's part of knowing when to back off, and let her consider things in her time, her way. Whether you agree with her methods or not.

I think it important that partners be patient, and flexible, so they can make adjustments when necessary.

Consider, you have already had this issue end in not understanding each other, and slept on it, that's good, giving her the time, and space to consider her response, is merely an extension of that.

I pass on this battle, and just adjust to her schedule. Hope she has a great time at the beach.

So in order to resolve an argument I have to:
1. Listen to her and acknowledge her feelings
2. Do not argue back
3. Give it some time
4. If it's a problem of mine I should let her know what the problem is and how I feel about it.
5. Do not let her raise her voice
6. Let the little things that bother me go

Anything else?
This is really helpful and I appreciate all the input.

I don't think this necessarily falls into the argument category but a lot of women just let of steam or vent which we sometimes turn into arguments because we sort of misread what they are doing. But along these lines if a woman asks you for advice on something and then doesn't follow it. Drop it. If she starts complaining about the issue again but did not follow the advice you gave her the first time, tell her in a calm but assertive manner, "I told you what to do, I'm not going to talk about it."

It's really effective in two ways. One, she can pout but at the same time she has nothing to argue with you about because you already offered your solution and she chose not to apply it so it's on her. You've told her your done with it so you ended it. The second effect it has is, after you do this a few times she will get the picture and ONLY come to you with issues that are worthy of a discussion and so you know they really must be important to her so that helps alleviate some of the guess work. Also by being calm and assertive when you initially start doing this, it makes her approach to calm and direct as opposed to confrontational. I have stopped many an argument with that and also taught her that she can come to me for advice, but she can not come to me to complain, whine, and argue for no reason.

It's not going to eliminate them, but it will reduce them. The key is to be calm, assertive, and then back it up by not engaging her after you've already given her the advice. My rule is she can come to me for anything and I'll help her with anything once, but if she starts complaining about the same thing more then once I'm done.

Had to spread it chuff, calm, assertive, and patience. That's how I deal with conflict too. Works for me.